The Pessimist's Guide to the Reality of Life

The BBQ Pit
#1

Having reviewed my life, past and present, it has all become so clear to me. For all my efforts trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, I cannot escape the indignity of getting the shaft, time and time again. It’s become an all-too-familiar thread in my life.

So, I give you the Eight Credos which I will honor in the hope that I eventually realize the futility of swimming against the tide.

[ol]
[li]You will get fucked over.[/li][li]You will not like it.[/li][li]Somehow it is your fault for letting it happen.[/li][li]Therefore, you are a loser.[/li][li]Bitching about it changes nothing.[/li][li]Blowing off steam does, however, give you a bit of vindication.[/li][li]Even if you learn something positive from the experience, there’s another one right around the corner.[/li][li]Repeat First Credo.[/li][/ol]

And a big “Fuck you!” to everyone who has contributed to the First Credo. I hope you boil for all eternity in your own rancid piss, you hemmorhoidal fucktards.

#2

You forgot:
9) Eventually, you die.
10) There is an afterlife.
11) God doesn’t like you (for whatever reason).
12) Things go downhill from there.

Not to encourage chronic depression, but hi there, fellow pessimist. I’d offer you some companionable commisseration but with my lick, Cinnamon Girl, you’re a guy.

#3

With my luck, dammit. I fucked myself over.

#4

Very good. This goes far beyond the pessimist bumper sticker: Life sucks. And then you die. But I really don’t want to get into the possibility, though, that there is no God and the joke’s on anyone who thinks there is.

I humbly bow in admiration of the depths of your pessimism --not to mention your superior skill at ironic typos-- but you’re wrong. I am a girl!

But, alas, I’m married. :stuck_out_tongue:

#5

Very good. This goes far beyond the pessimist bumper sticker: Life sucks. And then you die. But I really don’t want to get into the possibility that there is no God and the joke’s on anyone who thinks there is.

I humbly bow in admiration of the depths of your pessimism --not to mention your superior skill at composing ironic typos-- but you’re wrong. I am a girl!

But, alas, I’m married. :stuck_out_tongue:

#6

Sheesh. The dreaded double-post. I was right, begbert2. We are losers. :mad:

#7

Hello fellow pessimist! I would just like to add:

  1. You WILL inherit bad genes.
#8

Non illegitimi carborundum

(Is that even real Latin?)

#9

Aw c’mon. Decaf ain’t *THAT * bad!

I tried pessimism. Then life got good. Then I saw silver linings. Then I got bored. Then life got steadily not good for a long time. Then I realized that when life starts sucking you’re learning something new–getting another piece of armor, if you will. I began to understand that life’s curve balls were all learning experiences, opportunities to excell, things that give meaning to life.

Then I got this job. Hiring freeze, no lateral transfers to garner experiene to support a bid for promotion. Same damned thing every day. No more surprises because I’ve seen it all. Idiot coworkers who, despite no job change in 3 years, still can’t do their job correctly. My performance is flagging as my attitude deteriorates…I’m soooooooo fucked.

Shoulda seen this coming. Howzzit going,** CG**? Any chance I can get extra chocolate in that? It always helps.

#10

I swear… when I read this, I thought I saw “Hiring feces”.

And I thought “JeeEEEeez! This guy DOES have it bad!”

#11

I’m reminded of a drawing I saw: Guy is sitting on a park bench; on a tree branch over his head is a bird. The guy is looking up and saying, “Go ahead. Everybody else does.”

Not only do bad things happen to me, but they happen to those around me. Shortly after a friend moved in with us to help take care of my wife she (the friend) was in an accident that resulted in back pain which is still being treated a year later. I was considered filing to have my house rezoned as a medical facility.

#12

Believe it or not, you may be a Buddhist!! :smiley: :eek:

#13

Yep, life sucks and then you die.

One nice thing about being a pessimist, though, is that you’re never really disappointed. Plus, when something good happens, it’s so much better, because it wasn’t expected.

#14

Once you get that new piece of armor, life decides to test just how good that armor really is.

#15

Inigo, you’re singing my song. I’ve been working so hard trying to raise standards and inspire some real pride in our store, but I’m only killing myself over it. At the same time, I’ve practically sacrified my own agenda to give 200%. I don’t even know if I’ll ever get the promotion I aiming for, but I sure don’t want to stay in this position – responsibility, but utterly unempowered. I’m beginning to wonder if I even want that promotion what with the nitwits I’m sure to be dealing with. I can see my previous goals just crumbling away. So now what?

I’ve been seriously unhappy for a few months now. But this weekend, five of my co-workers collectively shit on me. I went through the five stages of grief the day after. Now, I’m avoiding the place like the plague (thankfully, I’m on vacation). I’m getting my coffee at another store. I know I’m going to have to deal with the fallout on this, but I’m not ready. I’m not even sure the best way to deal with it. I think I’m just going to see it through to the end of this particular mindfuck and get the hell out of that store. As much as I love the company, I may just look at other options. I’m just in misery.

Thanks for commisserating. Inigo, crossing paths with you in these threads has been a constant source of pleasure. hugs I do hope things start going better for both of us. BTW, can I borrow your sword? insert evil grin smiley here

#16

Nope. That, apparently, is my boss’s job. There is a consensus around the here that some of co-workers are afflicted with shit-for-brains.

I NEEEED that drawing!

Sorry about your wife and friend. No doubt you’ve been a source of comfort to both of them at the very least for being the able-bodied among them. Medical facility, indeed!

#17

Oh, come now, people. Life isn’t all that bad. Just think, in just 8 short months, you will have the inestimable pleasure of paying taxes! And it doesn’t end there, nosiree Bob! You get to pay them the year after. And the year after that. Again and again. Every year. 'Til you die.

#18

Hah! That’s so funny. Actually I was thinking perhaps I am the eclectic one I claim to be.
The Pessimist’s Guide revised
[ol]
[li]Taoism: Shit happens.[/li][li]Carlinism: I don’t like this shit.[/li][li]Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us? [/li][li]Catholicism: You deserved this shit.[/li][li]Existentialism There is nothing except shit happening. [/li][li]Quakerism: Bless the happening of the shit.[/li][li]Calvinism: Shit is predestined to happen. [/li][li]Hare Krishnaism: Shit happens, shit happens, happens happens, shit shit shit. [/li][/ol]

#19

This is simlar to my creed as a pessimist:

“I’m either always right, or pleasantly surprised.”

#20

Y’know, begbert’s next question should be, “is she happily married?”

And if you are, then that confirms his pessimism but undermines yours; and if you’re not, that confirms your pessimism but undermines his.

Any second now, the cat’s going to start spinning in mid-air.

Daniel