The power of Ted Jesus COMMANDS YOU!

Best contact page ever.

You’d think that he’d go with “Theo” instead of “Ted,” though.

I mean, if my given name was Theodore, and I was cultivating a baroque psychosis and delusions of religious grandeur, I would shun the diminutive in favour of the literal Theo. Maybe elaborate it to THEOne when I was feeling manic, or maybe THEOdours (with oblique reference to Revelations 5.)

“Ted”? No style.

So did anyone bother to look at his home page? Should we be bothered that Jesus (or Ted, whatever) wears a mullet?

I wonder who Ted Jesus Christ God endorses for the 2004 Presidential Election?

Or, maybe Pat Robertson is correct, and Ted Jesus Christ God will give Bush a landslide win come November…

Oh, sure, blame it on Satan when you swear at your computer, Ted.

Everywhere you look on this site is gold.

Can I compete with the Creator just a little bit?

But it’s OK to put dollar bills in their g-strings.

OK, I give up.

Hey, even Ted screws up sometimes.

Uh, yeah. Got it. Jesus needs Photoshop.

I like how he accidentally broke one of his own commandments by trimming his beard to much. But no worry, he’s going to photoshop it.
Where are all the sexually adventurous saviors? I want commandments like

Thou shalt not be afraid to let thine wife insert her vibrator into your nether regions.


Thou shalt attempt sex on the beach at night at least once.

Apparently in order to be the Son of God you must have long hair and a beard. :rolleyes:

Ask, and ye shall receive.

TJCG has THE LOOK? And he’s managed to track his family tree all the way back to Dave…geez he must have a good geneologist working for him.

That seals it then. I bow down before thee Ted. :smiley:

OMG…this is just too funny

Crap, I thought I was doing okay and then he had to go put in this bit:

"Do not eat anything with Processed Sugar in this. This is WHY there are the many problems with teethe.".

I am so screwed. :frowning:

What the Ted?

I’m waiting for

“Thou Shalt Not Steal Ted’s Lunch Money. Really. I Mean It, Guys. C’mon…”

I don’t mean to spoil anyone’s fun (because the web page * is * funny), but amusing as it is, there has to be a pretty tragic story here. I did a little bit of poking around the net and the guy’s biography checks out – there was a Ted Kurts who had some role at Quest Systems. In the one post I found (from 1993) he was a coherent and articulate senior executive of a software company. To go from successful entrepreneur to homeless schizophrenic is a long way down, but maybe also a frighteningly easy step.

Whoa, I was kinda believing him until I hit this little nugget (from the Third Testament, or Introduction to TJCG for Christians):


A frighteningly easy step off a sailboat after floating in the San Diego Bay (?) for 40 days, I guess.

Some ambiguity here, I think:

According to the second and third rules, videotaping sex is okay if you have the parties’ consent. But according to the first rule and the last three, it’s never okay to videotape sex, or basically have anything to do with it. Hmmm. It’s like he’s saying, “People named Bruce are evil if their last name is Boxleitner,” and then, “All people named Bruce are evil.”

I think Ted the Jesus needs a copy editor.

All-One! All-One!

“…this is put into order with the Hottest Degree of Sin at the top and the Lowest Degree of Sin at the bottom…”

This makes a lot of sense when you think about it, thermodynamically speaking.

“…and things that Ted did the most put lower in the degree of Sin…”

Coming from anyone other than Ted, this might be viewed as self-serving.

I am gonna go get a sody pop. Pray for me.

I sure hope this isn’t the guy that Polycarp thought could’ve been the second coming…

Anyway… I’m terribly disappointed that I’m going to have to scrub my plan to overthrow God. I had troops positioned for storming the Pearly Gates and everything. I even managed to bribe St. Peter into “accidently” leaving the gates unlocked…

And is it really necessary to say “Do not Murder” and “Do not Mass Murder”?

He sounds almost Dobbsian.

Do not go to theater?
THERE goes the Passion!

<Devil’s advocate>What if a country has enslaved my people unjustly and keeps them from their homeland? May I not visit it with plagues and slaughter their firstborn?</da>

Finagle, I may be a little bit more cynical than you, but I wouldn’t be nearly so ready to say that the bio “checks out” on the strength of a single archived usenet posting. On the contrary, it seems a bit suspicious to me that that’s apparantly the only posting he’s ever made.

I think it’s very possible that Ted is sort of anti-confidence man, and his site is intended to stir up sympathy for such a wretched creature. It is mirrored in diverse places, and there are always solicitations for donations, either to P.O. boxes or via Paypal, like here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Quest Systems Corp was real enough.

I’m not sure about Quest Systems Ltd, though, which, for the last several years has done nothing but spam and scam usenet, through dodgy e-mail addresses – looking for donations to help a “severely disabled person” become more independent. Sounds familiar. I’d think it might be someone from Quest who really knew such an unfortunate, if they didn’t do things like use phone-billing fleecing on their “contact” numbers, and send out “Make Money Fast!” scams. Maybe there’s no connection at all.

I dunno – he could be a fellow who’s fallen on hard times, or he could be a cynical scammer playing on your sympathies. God knows the “craaaaazy” panhandling routine is a well-established con.