The power of Ted Jesus COMMANDS YOU!

The BBQ Pit
1

Somebody on another MB posted a link to this.

It’s a guy who calls himself “Ted Jesus Christ God” and he claims to be the second coming. He has a huge list of commandments that are comedy gold.

There are too many to paste them all but here are a few of my favorites:

It sounds like God is a retarded kid. Do not compete “too much” with him? I guess that means you can play some one-on-one basketball with him but just make sure you let him win.

I’m glad we got that straight.

I think those are some rules we can all get behind.

Another one I whole-heartedly endorse.

I’m glad he left that loophole for animals.

I’m not sure his description would discourage any females from wanting to ride a horse.

I love the randomness of this list.

I’m sure the girls are all over this guy.

It’s about time somebody put a stop to that.

Are there still “women’s libbers?”

What about when you’re not having sex?

Not much wiggle room there, is there?

He really seems to hate the female orgasm but somehow I have a feeling he’s never actually witnessed one.

Redundant much?

But what if I really love me?

There is much, much more but I would like people to discover some of those gems on their own. I will just skip down to my favorite one.

We now have the definitive word on farting.

You should really read the whole list to get the full power and effect of the comedy.

Oh, and since this is the Pit…fuckity fuckity fuck-tit.

2

How about “Do not post hilarious threads that make me giggle uncontrollably during normal working hours?”

This is the funniest thing I’ve read today.

Do not taunt happy fun ball.

3

Astoundingly pit worthy. :rolleyes:

Especially with the pit language, all fuckity fuck and whatnot. :rolleyes:

4

This guy must have the weeniest god ever if you need a commandment that says “Do not take advantage of God.”

“If a TJCG Prophet then do NOT copyright or legally encumber or collect royalties or trademark or legally protect anything that you write or your works.” Dammit!

5

I must be out of it today, I don’t really find any of those funny.

<shrugs>

6

“Do not sell cigarettes or cigars or anything that is smoked.”

Oh no! Not even salmon, or ribs?!?

7

:confused:

:frowning:

8

I’d say that’s a safe assumption.

If this is the Second Coming then I am so not impressed.

9

I find that if I dilute God with a gallon of water, it does an excellent job of removing calcium and mildew stains from my shower. Guess I shouldn’t do that anymore.

Must be a Christian Scientist.

My ONE LIVING GOD vane indicates that the wind is blowing toward the Northeast.

I see he didn’t rule out conversion vans.

10

I love these ones:

Mocking aside, it is good to finally get word from above that is specific and speaks to the problems that I face every day.

11

Child molest? Child molest? MOLEST CHILDREN, NUMB NUTS!

Huh?

No Second Coming of Jesus would say the word “pee”.

Once again, huh?

Considering I haven’t showered in two days, I can say this is one I’ve broke.

???

What about badgers?

Okay. This page is full of shit and the webmaster is batshit insane. There, I was honest. Happy now?

Keeping up with my as-recent awful hygiene habits, I can say this is another one I haven’t broke.

12

Teddamnit! There are way to many Tedding commandments. How the Ted does he expect ordinary non-Teds to remember all that Ted.

Aw, Ted it!

13

What if he’s called Bob? Can I cut 'em off then?

14

Wow, what are the odds? I broke this one the very second I read it! But only the “around people” part; it was SBD. Damn cranberry juice!

15

I know when I’ve hit my thumb with a hammer, I’ve often screamed TED! TED-DAMNIT! at the top of my lungs.

Ted’s looking out for our best interests, though.

T3D 1s 1337, lolololololol

You’ll leave teeth marks, and teeth marks are just not sexy.

“You don’t have to spend your life addicted to smack,
Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for crack.”

16

And I see JuanitaTech beat me to “Teddamnit”… :frowning:

17

Don’t sweat it, Duke. As you can see, I’m so Tedding stupid I typed to when I should have typed too.

Is there a commandment for syntax errors? How about one for typos?

Well, Ted. There goes half my wardrobe right there. What’s the use in having an sweet Tedding rack if I can’t show it off?

18

You know … “de meaning of the universe”. Duh! God hates it when people pry around in his private parts, like his asteroids and Uranus.
:smiley:

19

Bill?

Gotchya ya.

Thanks for the clarification.

I see…

Yeah, you don’t want to be distracted from the Evil.

How many times I gotta tell you kids that bomb is NOT A TOY!

What if I’m just wearing regular clothes?

Yoda?

20

Oh, wow. this guy is a few disciples short of a Last Supper.

Quote:

Do not make hard core pornography.

Do not sell or distribute hard core pornography.

Do not look a hard core pornography.

So soft-core is ok then?

Do not Mickey anybodies drink.

Can I Goofy it instead?

Do not charge for sex and this requiring money or gifts or expensive things.
More proof this guy doesn’t date much.

Do not shave your head.

**Well, that’s it for me then. See you all in Hell. I’ll save you a seat by the fire. ** :smiley: