The New 10+ Commandments

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a certificate of ordination from the Universal Life Church hanging in my cubical. If you’re not familiar with the ULC, it will ordain anyone who asks. I received the certificate online about four years ago when I was curious about what one could do with the Internet. I have any religious beliefs regarding it.

So this leads me to a couple of days ago. Our secretary, a ‘fundie’ was distributing some paperwork and saw the certificate. She then noticed the comic book posters and such, also littering my walls. She then went to one of my coworker and asked her if I was in a cult.

Now, the resident fundie is a nice person but a little off on her outlook. I thought it would be funny to hang next to my ordination the commandments from my newly created (and totally fake) Church of the Flesh. I need your help in creating that list.

For starters ~
All baptisms must be full submersions. Naked. In a hot tub. Or a shower. In emergencies, a can of beer may be substituted.

Thanks for helping a newbie!

2

Should read:
I haven’t any religious beliefs regarding it.
I spell checked it but didn’t proofread!

Sorry!

3

When I was in High School I wrote this bible for a fake satanic cult I made up. It was called Habu. Anyway, I gave a copy to a guy I worked with, and his mom found it in his bag and then she called my house and told my parents and yelled at me (she knew my parents from church). I told her it wasn’t real, just a joke, and she told me to stay away from her son. It wasn’t very nice, since it talked about killing people and other nasty things. I wonder if she called the school and told them to watch out for me. I might have been on THAT list. Hehe… fun times those High School days.

4

I definately think the tithes and offernings can be bumped up to say, 20-25%.

5

Good thing my faith teaches we are forgiven or I’d be going to hell for sure.

Thou whoest smelled it, dealt it.

It profit a man not, if he calls shotgun, but loses his soul.

6

c_goat
Ah, high school…days of being a bad seed and a pain to one’s parents. Great times! Hmmmmm, St. Habu?

racerx
True, the coffers must be filled to fund spreading the word. And buy whips for the righteous (great band name). Or was it whip cream?

7

Thou shalt not force a fart. Neither shalt thou repress one. It is the LORD who tellest thee this. Know then that his arse is not besmirched with surprise shit, nor his belly filled with farts held back from the angels of Heaven.

[sub]I’m going to Hell.[/sub]

8

Thou shalt replace thy divots and rake the bunkers in which thee stood.

9

Obviously, Commandment #6 should be: “There is NO Commandment Six!”

10

PolishSausage - hey I’m an ordained minister with the ULC too! My favorite bit was when they offered to sell me the “Ministry in a Box” for only $89.95. I started a thread about it a while back.

So you did it just for fun too?

Well, Max Torque beat me to what I was gonna say, so I’ll be back when I can think of something.
I might have to print up Tansu’s and make it into a needlepoint to hang on my wall.

11

Call me Minister too …

How is PayPal for collecting indulgences>

12

Thou shalt not leave hair clogging the drain.

Thou shalt not call timeout in the last twenty seconds when your team is behind by 30 points.

Thou shalt not take thy lord’s name in vain, except when your team has fumbled the ball.

Thou shalt not use sock puppets on the SDMB.

Thou shall suck up to the moderators.

Thou shalt not make fun of bald people, lest you be stricken also.

Thou shalt not tell anyone about Fight Club… oops! wrong post.

13

The first commandment is that you do not talk about the commandments.

The second commandment is you do not talk about the commandments!

14

Damn you evilbeth! DAMN YOU!
You KNEW I was going to post that, didn’t you!!!

15

They don’t call me “evil” for nothin’!

Of course, Revedge kinda beat us both to it!

16

Thou shalt use thy lords name in vain when thy hammer strikes thyself.

Thou shalt maketh thy bottom musical when thy telleth a lie (this would make C-span congressional hearings a fun watch)

17

Thou shalt not release the engineered virus until the Comet appears in the Heavens.

18

#3) Hi Opal!

(someone had to write it…)

19

Crunchy Frog~
What I thought was funny is that you can purchase a religious title from them. For example, Pope PolishSausage or His Holiness Dali Lama PolishSausage. Honestly, I think about buying one of those Minister tags for my car so I can get good parking at hospitals!

Everyone~
I knew I could count on you all (or y’all) for coming up with some great ideas. This is going to be sooooo funny hanging next to my certif. Mucho Grassy-ass!

20

Hope it’s not too late.

‘Thou shalt not play on artificail turf, for it is an abomination, as is the deignated hitter.’