I should like to apologize for the scatterbrained approach of this near-pitting. It was written on the el ride home on my Palm. I ran it through Word to catch the most glaring errors, but the information contained below is so important, I needed to disseminate it immediately. I don’t think there are any spoilers, but be warned all the same.
Welcome back Frank indeed.*
As your friend and respected counsel, I highly recommend that you do everything in your power to avoid seeing this movie. Should you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of actually being in the theater, leave and don’t look back. You will not know what you’re missing and that will only work in your favor. you may not thank me now, but eventually you will meet someone who has seen this movie and you will understand.
As you read this, please understand that I got to the theater a bit late and missed the first five minutes or so of this movie. The lady at the ticket booth was very nice and said that if I wanted to, i could come back and ''yell at her if the movie had already started. I thought about going back to yell at her for not stopping me from buying the ticket, but she was very nice and they pacified me with a free comic.
Of course, you may be wondering why I didn’t take her up on the offer (they would have given me a refund, you see), but remember, I strive to help my fellow man whenever possible, and in this case, to truly tell you how awful this movie was, I had to see it.
In no particular order:
Why did they send Johnny cash to kill the Punisher?
There were 2 scenes of Joe Campbell-style rebirth, but the second one was gratuitous, like much of the rest of the movie.
In-jokes/references to other movies/etc: as often as they could fit them in: Modern Bride-reading thug, police chief (?) advisor with the cup of coffee, “Year One” license plate, wild-west show-down, did Frank move in to The animal house, what, no explosive arrows?
I can’t help thinking that the, ‘‘but he’s gay’’ line was played for laughs. Which was odd in a scene of domestic violence, which is usually a sore spot (no pun intended) for audiences, although this movie had enough machismo in it that the audience’s reaction was, “sure she didn’t do it, but the bitch deserved it.”
Apparently, the Punisher is a hypochondriac, seeing as he can’t use a weapon more than once. He even took the special .45 his father made; tricking it out with everything including extended capacity magazines and shot it all of once!
I can understand that they might not want to set the movie in ny for fear of offending…someone, but did they set it in Miami so they cold dress the bad guys up like slightly more upscale Miami vice characters and jokes about Cuban cigars?
There’s got to be a way to steal someone’s car than by carrying a fire hydrant in your duffle bag. and, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think he even drove the car the second time.
What was the point of keeping Mr. Bumpo for the movie?
A paper cutter? he used a paper cutter?
The Punisher as performance artist? re: the creative pyrotechnics at the end, maybe Joan wasn’t so far off. I am Jack’s sense of poetic retribution.
“Hello Mr. Smith.”
I’m glad that the actors appeared to have fun hamming up this piece of…i can’t bring myself to finish. about the only thing i enjoyed about this crapstorm was that some brainstems across the aisle brought their little girl to the movie and she squealed with delight at every killing.
I dunno, i probably should have made this a pit thread so i could swear.
- If you haven’t read welcome back frank, and you have even the slightest interest in he punisher, I highly recommend it. This film drew from that story (mixing in the origin story as well) and is everything this film is not: coherent, witty, poignant (yes, poignant), clever and Mr. Bumpo and the Russian aren’t throwaway characters (ha, a double pun).