*** Howard’s back, and he’s trying to rewire my house ***
No matter where I go, no matter where I move, ** Howard ** follows me there. He’s some form of sick stalker who has never quite let go of me.
…
Dear Howard,
Look, I understand you love me. That much is painfully obvious. You’re my crazy stalker guy, and I appreciate the attention, but is it really necessary? MUST you follow me around every time I move? You’ve been after me since I was wee and toddling around. Give me a break, you bastard!
I understand you can’t live without me, and that my home is comfortable, warm, and a loving environment - but Howard, you have seriously been here way too long. You’re not welcome here anymore. Please go away.
A few years ago, you met a lovely girl. You had lots of little Howards. Can’t you just ship them off to boarding school? Must you take them around, too, following me everywhere? I had enough of YOU running around, making a mess of my basement, keeping me up at night with your incessant clawing at the walls… Ship 'em off to college or something! They should want them in the Catkills! Anywhere but here!
Oh Howard. Your love is unrequited. I love my Gruyere too much to share it with you. I don’t want to hurt you, Howard, but you’re pushing your luck. I will set up a devious trap, and you shall fall into it… and then my life will be squeaky clean again… Or clean of squeaks, as the case may be…
Howard, sir, leave my house. Please. And take all your little Howards with you.
Much obliged, sir mouse.
Elly
