The SDMB Talent Show

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

[carnival barker voice]

Come one, come all to the great Straight Dope Talent Show. Here is the chance to post wacky or humorous material that you have written or created yourself. All acts and routines are welcome, nothing too racy, there’s kids in the audience, but all styles are welcome.

[/carnival barker voice]

::Zenster steps up to the microphone::

[Rodney Dangerfield]

My sex life, it’s so terrible, I’ve got condoms with expired date codes.

I ask this one girl for a date and she tells me “Go climb a palm tree!”

The gal at the library wouldn’t even date my books.

The lady at the supermarket won’t even check out my groceries.

::tugs at shirt collar and tie::

This one dame asks me out for a bite. We step outside, AND SHE BITES ME!

You look up the word “celibacy” in the dictionary, there’s my picture!

I’m telling you…

[/Rodney Dangerfield]

2

The first joke I ever made up was about COIT, which is some kind of carpet cleaning company or something. I wished that the company would go international so that the domestic division could be known as COIT U.S.

Hah! Coitus.

I was, like, 9 or 10 at the time, so I think it’s pretty impressive that I even knew the definition of coitus.

3

::katiekilldare walks onto stage wearing gawdy red floor-length pageant dress with fringe hanging off the front. Gives earnest nod to fellows in the sound booth. Her precisely aqua-netted 'do gives an oddly dull reflection in ultra-bright spotlight::

“Ahem.”

::Tape begins to play sappy introduction to vaguely familiar song featuring bland keyboard::

“I BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE OUR FEEYOOOCHER…”

::First tomato hits at foot of aforementioned dress and splatters onto matching red sequin heels::

“TEACH THEM WEL… please stop that sir…AND LET THEM LEAD THE WAAAAY”

::Barrage of assorted fruits and beer cans hit the stage and its single occupant::

“Well, I never. Stop the music!”

::crickets::

::Flashes boobs and walks triumphantly off stage to roaring applause::

4

I can do this thing with my tounge.

See?

5

This is not for the faint of heart. I must ask that all people with heart conditions or pregnant women leave the room. Those that dare stay, please don your noseplugs now.

Ready? Good.

[bends over and proceeds to fart “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” by the Rolling Stones in its entirety.]

Thank you, everyone, thank you.

6

Crunchy, I don’t think I have ever seen a more appropriate use of a sig. Yuck, by the way. :smiley:

7

For my performance tonight, I am going to stare at a picture of a nude Roseanne for fifteen minutes without blinking or vomiting.

::starts staring::

8

For my performance, I will display my amazing jizzing mastery.

Ready everyone?

9

For my performance, I am going to squirt water in a straight stream from the gap between my front teeth. I am very proud of this talent, so be sure to applaud. (Or my feelings will be hurt, and we couldn’t have that!)

::squirt::

Pretty neat, huh?

10

::Applauds::

11

Um… I can whistle very very loudly using my fingers… um… and mouth of course.

12

Now do it with mashed potatoes.

13

::still staring::

14

I think SPOOFE likes it!

15

And he’s been doing it for four hours now. I think this counts as obsession.

16

::still staring… twitches slightly::

17

Your many and varied talents have inspired me. I would like to do an interpretive dance based upon last week’s Food Lion sales circular, accompanied by my collection of Cowsills albums - all 4 of them.

<and with a nod to the technician at the turntable, FCM begins…>

18

Astroboy steps on to the stage, resplendant in his magician’s cape…

"Ladies and Gentlemen, and children of ALL ages: I give you one of the mysteries of the Orient! [hushed, awed voice]For centuries, Masters of the Ancient Arts have worked to perfect the miracle you are about to witness… [/hushed, awed voice]

The Disappearing Kim-Chi!! Trumpet Flourish

Behold, I have in my hand a marvelous perfect hunk o’ kim-chi, fermented for months in a huge ceramic pot on some guy’s balcony. Spiced with the finest salt and firey-hot peppers, it is a veritable wonder of gustatorial sassiness! A whack of kim-chi such as this is fit to make an average Korean family weep in desire of tasting it’s spicy, slightly-rotten, deliciousity… but ALAS! That is not to be, for this particular heap of, uh, shall we say slightly fragrant, used, vegetable goodness has a far, far different fate! I, poor novice to the art that I am, shall make this kim-chi vanish before your wondering eyes!"

The house lights dim, leaving a very mysterious and slightly creepy glow…

"And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, take one last look at the soon-to-be-no-more handful o’ kimchi…

One…

Two…

THREE!!!"

There is a blinding fireball where Astroboy stands… after a second, Astroboy appears among the flames, hands empty and held high for all to see…

“Mmmmph! Shee? Arl Gome!”

Suddenly, Astroboy spits a huge glob of slightly masticated kim-chi into the front row!

“CRAP!! My hair’s on fire!! Help!!!”

The curtain descends quickly. There are the sounds of a fire extinguisher and faint curses…

19

Everyone, give another round of applause for Astroboy and his vaninshing Kim-Chi!

And now I, Dragwyr, master of the improbable, will delight and amaze you with my recreation of Stephen Wrights wonderful masterpiece. I will draw for your entertainment pleasure, a Salvador Dali print of 2 dental hygenists trying to draw a circle on an “Etch-A-Sketch”.

:: The crowd goes wild! ::

:: Suddenly realizes that the applause from the crowd are directed not at myself but at the next act, which is now approaching the center stage. ::

20

::kabbes enters in his special trousers. All is silent.

He sits on a solitary chair in the middle of the stage.

He rolls up his shirt. The eyes stare into the middle distance.

Concentration. Hmmmmph!

The poppers holding the trousers together around the waist explode outwards as the bellymeister does his thing with the superbelly

kabbes stands, bows once, exits stage left…::

pan