I warn you, I may still be delirious.
It was 10 o’clock last night. I had just gone to bed, after Raw is War was through being a thorn in my side, but before TNN’s Monster Jam could do any further damage. I had a terrible pain in my stomach, which at the time I likened to giving birth, although I’m sure it hurt half as much and I complained twice as much. I thought it was just gas (which it later turned out to be, but I had no way to be sure), and at some undetermined time I got up to go to the bathroom, but no action was taking place in there.
Upon returning to my bed, I had an uncontrollable fit of shivering. My girlfriend (oops, fiance) was asleep next to me and I was surprised it didn’t wake her up for all the shaking. Eventually I got worried enough to where I woke her up myself and told her I couldn’t stop shivering. We tried more blankets, and though they warmed me up I was still shivering. I decided to go run a bath, but my tub is too small so I ended up running the shower with the plug in. This provided some relief, until we ran out of hot water that is. I managed to get myself out and stumbled back to bed, and soon after she took my temperature. 104, it said! After that I just laid there for a while, and eventually (I guess) drifted off to sleep. Oh,and at some point in here I took two tylenol’s, which may make my dramatic recovery seem less dramatic. Some time later, I started noticing things. The layers of pillows, blankets, my beloved, even my very clothes seemed to become pieces of an intricate puzzle. Each one an element in some clever scheme to ASSASSINATE… I don’t know. Someone. But it was all very clever, I assure you. If it was me “they” were after, it was not paranoia I was experiencing. Oh no! Quite the opposite! They were out to get me, but I was too smart for them! I had seen through their web of deceit and I would crush them under my boot heel!
I woke up in a sweat, and went to once again “drain the lizard”. When I returned to my bed, all the layers of conspiracy had returned to regular pillows and blankets. And the clock said it was 2:30am. The whole thing had taken less than 5 hours.
So here I am the next morning, still with a slight fever I think, but my stomach is no longer bothering me and the worst seems to have passed.
So you can keep your mountains and beaches and hotels and mini-campers and travel agents, Gentle Reader. From now on, when I want to take a trip, I’ll just go to Mr. Gatti’s for lunch.