The Secret Manifesto of Canada... Exposed!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Hah! And I say Hah!, again!

Your weapons are useless against us, sir. Those of us who live in the upper tier of states are well aware of the protective powers of flannel. And to counterattack with, we have a vast army of bearded men, tastefully outfitted in glaring BLAZE ORANGE! Picture it, my friend - a horde of Yoopers on the right flank, a host of Scandinavian Lutherans on the left, and a swarm of Wisconsin Cheeseheads in the center. The horror! The horror!

Your vaunted cold also raises no fear among us! We have dealt with your Alberta Clippers and Sasketchewan Screamers for years. Why, for some of us, winter is the best 6 months of the year.

Really, the very idea of your conquering the States is ridiculous. Once your armies arrived, and had an opportunity to taste the finer brews, the better cuisine, and observe the more beautiful women, they would desert in droves. Overnight, these stolid, sober Canadians would morph into suave, self-assured Americans, tailgating in the stadium parking lot before the Big Game.

In the interests of all, call off this mad plan of yours! Spare the world the carnage that would ensue! Let us agree to live in harmony and peace - you will keep Celine Dion and professional hockey, and we will keep Al Gore and baseball.

Yours in brotherhood,

A Friend of the Devil

22

Curse you, Canada, curse you I say!

I could accept armed invasion and total subjugation to your military might. C’est le guerre and all that. But did you have to send those advance infiltrators to undermine our morale? I’m talking Jim Carey, Tom Green, Pamela Anderson, William Shatner, Celine Dion, and all those other demonic entities who sap our very will to live.

23

Fear not, my fellow red-blooded Merkins. I have seen the enemy, and he’s pathetic.

Did you see what the protestors were throwing in Quebec? Hockey pucks. I kid you not.

Yep, when those Canoodlians take to the streets in violent protest, they express their rage by throwing sports equipment. They didn’t even have the common sense to throw hard, more aerodynamic baseballs. Instead, they threw little rubber disks. What’ll they throw next, Nerf pine cones? We wouldn’t even need to use our armed forced against them. Rather, we could just send one platoon of NCAA goalies.

Oh yeah, did you also see the clip on the news when the Quebec cop fired a tear gas grenade…and ricocheted it off the back of the helmet of the cop in front of him? I see they’re still using the Keystone Cops training film at the RCMP academy.

I think the Canadians would do better if they went back to fighting an adversary with which they’d be more evenly matched: baby fur seals.

Finally, Canada must be penalized for their misguided aggression. They hereby forfeit Terri Clark. She will be liberated from the plains and bogs of Sassakatch…, um, Mabitona, uh, Roberta, whatever, and allowed to live in Nashville where real country music comes from.

24

Sweet! We can see if Hawaiians can sympathize with the difficulties of island life. See what this ‘poi’ thing is all about; is that anything like fish n’ brewis?

Lord thunderin’ Jesus, never thought I’d have a piece of Hawaii to myself. I’ll leave Florida alone so it can maintain its role as a large motel for the elderly, one stop before ‘death’ on the highway of life. Muhaha.

And Rysdad, the only problem with bringing hockey pucks is that they didn’t bring sticks - being on the recieving end of a hard slapshot isn’t fun. I think we should have turned the tables and recruited the NHL teams that didn’t make the playoffs to fire slapshots at the violent protestors. That’ll keep them guessing… rubber bullets of a different sort. :slight_smile:

FD.

25

D’oh!

Apologies. My eyes were starting to glaze over yesterday and I just completely missed that…

26

You Yanks are all overlooking one key point - after Manitoba is finished with you, you won’t be capable of mounting any defence at all. You’ll never get your heads out of the fridge, except maybe to listen to old Guess Who albums.

27

So, we here in the Land O’ Lincoln, not being chosen to dance by any Canadian provinces, have nothing to look forward to but 50 years of Canadian TV programming? Um, I didn’t know the Canadians even had their own TV shows… :smiley:

[sub]besides hockey games, that is.[/sub]

I’ll start worrying about evacuating when I see Peoria overrun by flannel-wearing Canucks. Till then, ciao. :cool:

28

Bah, just send in a giant army of Republican Anti-Gay Christian Texans! Ohhhh, those Canadians will be SO SCREWED after that!

Yeah well you may have your cold and maple syrup and Mounties and hockey teams, but we have the Ultimate Weapon.
…

…
GEORGE W. BUSH!

(Insert maniacal laughter of your choice here)

I apologize for my comments beforehand…er, wait, it’s too late now isn’t it? Damn, not used to this apology thing, us Americans…
:smiley:

29

Sure. Stockwell Day will love 'em. :smiley:

"…You might think that you Yankees
Are better than us Canucks
But we don’t need no microchips
Inside our hockey pucks

Oh sure you have Disneyland
And you keep it very clean
But we don’t have Bob Dole
And we can drink when we’re nineteen

We may watch your TV shows
For hours and hours and hours
We’ll give you Alan Thicke
But Shania Twain is ours!.."
[sub]-The Arrogant Worms, “Proud to be Canadian”[/sub]

And judging by Rhysdads post, we just may be able to salvage things after all… good job, Spin Control.

30

:confused:

Isn’t that, like, an Italian shipping inventory?

Secret manifestos? :confused:

You Canucks are **A) **secretly shipping yourselves into Italy? Or B) you’re importing Italians into your counrty?

If A, I can see why you want to leave. A mud hut in the Po River valley would be a big improvement over , say, Montreal.

But B, that’s more difficult. Are you trying to improve your military ( WW2-era Eye-Tyes would be a step up). Or are you bringing in sultry Italian sexpots in a Eugenics plan to improve the Canuck breed. (Also a big step up. a VERY big step, a la Lollabrigida.)
Inquiring minds wanna know!

31

Yes.
God bless Kegel.

32

Beat Americans? Bah.

You baka Canadians have little training in the ways of other forms of attacks. The best you can do is send a bunch of country hicks and hockey players? Preposterous.

Hey. You think HOCKEY PLAYERS can beat us? We have football. Do you think we’d play such a stupid sport for ENTERTAINMENT? Nope. We’ve been training to bash you all into the ground with our 300-pound linebackers.

And you may remember that we’ve been hoisting up worthless ships, except for historical value. Why would we waste money on that? Yep, we’re planning to drop them on your squadrons.

We elected such an asshole for President for a reason-so we can keep guns. True, your flannel may protect you from explosives, but not projectiles small enough to punch holes in the fabric.

About radiation fallout. You claim that your forests protect you. Well, you’re attacking the rest of the world, right? Are your forests going to follow you? No. So when we drop the nukes, fallout will get on you before you retreat. And your forests just protect you, not cleanse you.

Do you really think you might take over, say, NYC? Americans are tougher than that. You baka Canadians haven’t realized that Independence Day was stupid. Do you think a mere alien invasion is going to scare New Yorkers? No way. So they won’t be afraid of you.

You shall fail.

:smiley:

33

"Really, the very idea of your conquering the States is ridiculous. Once your armies arrived, and had an opportunity to taste the finer brews, the better cuisine, and observe the more beautiful women, they would desert in droves. Overnight, these stolid, sober Canadians would morph into suave, self-assured Americans, tailgating in the stadium parking lot before the Big Game. "

We are going to take over as an act of mercy. It is poor souls like this that need liberation from several centuries of brainwashing.

Finer brews? More beautiful women? It’s sad to see someone who is this misguided isn’t it?

Ummm… We already know how to hold a tailgate party of monster proportions.

Mnementh - I am going to have to prepare the torture chamber for your leak of information, especially the highly classified data on flannel. Where did I put those Celine Dion cd’s anyways? A couple of days of being forced to listen to Celine’s greatest hits should straighten you out.

Now, Pipeliner… if we can get those speakers set up across the border we can get to playing some Canned Wheat and some Tragically Hip. Sure, at 1,000,000 db those folks just south of the border will be vapourized but we’ll have most of the people south of that in our thrall.

34

Hey, who doesn’t?

35

Ha. Hahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

heh…

Come get some.

36

Don’t worry Mnementh, the U.S. has known about this plan all along. Why else would the put Buffalo and Detroit right next to the border? To get rid of their ninteen year olds on the weekend? No. It is to acclimate fiercly loyal U.S. citizens to the way of Canada. They are the fortress of invasion.

CBC? Detroit’s had to live with that for years. The only thing that it teaches us is that NBC sucks at Olympic coverage. AND WE ALREADY KNEW THAT!

Minnesota, Wisconsin, da Yoopers, and early '90s disgruntled teens have long known the secret of flannel. They’ve been secretly storing it up in wharehouses to distribute to the rest of the population upon invasion.

What about Alaska? We couldn’t possibly make that a state without some sort of purpose. It is to invade Canada through the back door as soon as they try to invade the southern U.S. There is no other possible reason.

While you Canadians think you have had the U.S. snookered (did I just say snookered?), the military has known about it for a long time and has made preparations. Your nice and friendly ways might seem altruistic but we know the truth.

37

This just in :

The *Supreme Council for the Canadian Reclamation of North America * has just ruled that since Illinois is the home of Cecil Adams, recognized has the world’s smartest human being, it has been granted an exemption from occupation and been granted admission into Greater Canada as the 11th Province. For service rendered in the fight against ignorance, it will be now known as Adamsonia. We extend our welcome to our new compatriots.

quoted by Paul the Younger :
But they’ll never find Detroit.

You mean of course North Windsor, a suburb of Windsor, Ontario.

And Arden, our infiltration troops are already preparing the way. We are already in the process of converting you into right-thinking Canadians. Our subliminal manual The Joys of Flannel should be in a bookstore near you shortly. Thank you again for not breaking your cover (ooops).

And, be advised the production of Screech is on schedule, please surrender peacefully, we do not want to have to resort to it.

Thank you

38

:eek:

Why the hell would ANYONE want BOTH Texas AND Oklahoma?

shuddershivercringe

39

Bah!

We have a weapon you cannot circumvent! You think all those tornados are an act of Nature?

Ha!

Our defense forces have been testing for years. We can hit a target with pinpoint accuracy! Witness the trailer parks that always get hit. Those are our target practices. Canadian sympathizers have been rounded up and placed in them so that we could study their reaction times and improve! The news reports are part of our cover.

In fact, we’re running one right now…

40

Ha! Your secret weapon shall be your downfall, soulless invader. I watched Red Green–a known Canuck agent–melt into a puddle of sweat during an Iowa summer. We hardy midwesterners were sensibly clad in light shorts and Tshirts and our stalwart hands gripping foam insulated beer can holders. Red Green wore flannel and almost passed out from the heat.

Your hideous plan won’t work, hear? All we have to do is plant cases of Molson or Moosehead along major highways and put signs up to the package liquor stores. I’ve vacationed many a time in Canada; with quite genuine admiration I gotta say you folks drink like fish and pay exorbitant prices to do it. The invasion will stall out within 100 miles of the border. But it’ll be the most fun invasion in history.

Pump in a little lowbrow, funky American radio and you’ll be putty in our hands. This is NOT the fault of the brave, stalwart Canadian people. No, you’ve been grossly handicapped by the CBC. I remember vividly an endless night-time drive through New Brunswick, listening by default to a three hour CBC talk show on growing roses. Celine Dion or William Shatner crooning Proud Mary would have been a relief.

Oh, hell, c’mon down anyway. Most of you folks are pretty damn beguiling. We’ll getcha outta that sweltering flannel in no time, the breweries will be glad to run extra shifts and let’s face it-- Maine, North Dakota, Wisconsin, etc. could stand a kickass party. Bring along your invasion-ready plastic picnic forks. [sub]And men. Canadian men are hot, even without the flannel. Especially without the flannel.[/sub] Maritimers, bring lobster. We’ll supply the beer, JD, margaritas, pizza, nachos, string cheese and sun-screen.

This could work. Hell, this could be GREAT! A few weeks of “international relations” (wink) and we, the people, could redefine hands-on diplomacy (another wink). Politicans just futz it up anyway. Hey, maybe we could solemnize the event by ceremoniously torching William Shatner’s hairpiece. (It looks like a molting marmot anyway.)

Load up your campers and coolers, 'Merkins! The Canadians are coming! [sub]nyuk, nyuk, nyuk[/sub]

Veb