Canadians. We’re a polite people. We say please, we say thank you. We have our quaint little ways, which most Americans are vaguely familiar with. Foreign countries love us. Not many people have a burning desire to nuke our country. We’re the peacekeepers, the mediators, and the calm, rational voice to the world.
Or are we?
You see, Americans, there are a few things you don’t know about your great and frozen neighbour to the north. We’re scamming your pants off, and have been for hundreds of years.
You think you’re the driving force behind the world. You’re the #1 world power, aren’t you? Prepare to be shocked and amazed.
The Canadians are coming.
You have guns, ships, planes, nuclear weapons, more guns, a huge army with plenty more guns. We have the Canadian army with our plastic knives and forks. But then, you don’t know about our flannel. Canadian flannel is exceptional. We’ve developed flannel to the point where it becomes impenetrable, while still being stylish and protecting one from the cold. Our innocuous Canadian coats of flannel will stop anything you can throw at us. Uh oh. There goes the usefulness of your armies!
“That dosn’t matter”, you say, “our planes and bombs and tanks will take care of that flannel problem! Surely it can’t stand up to napalm, or even a conventional explosive!” Well, you’d be right. Of course, that’s where the climate comes in. Why do you think we keep it so cold up here? Do you think nature would cause a drop from 32 degrees in New York to zero degrees in Toronto, without some kind of help? It just can’t happen. We control the cold. Our citizens are becoming accustomed to the cold, and that is one of our ultimate defenses. How well do you think your puny firebombs will work when they’re frozen solid in a matter of seconds? An incoming rocket? No problem, crank up the cold. If the missile dosn’t freeze solid and crack to pieces, the heat from the explosion will be nullified instantly. The explosive force? Hah! You’ve forgotten the indestructible Flannel! Shrapnel, and even the shockwaves from the detonation are powerless against this armour.
“Hah!”, you scream! “Cold! They’re going to beat us with cold! Well, try and see if you can nullify the heat and pressure created by 10,000 nuclear weapons! Not to mention the radioactive fallout!”. No problem.
Remember the innocent little ‘u’ we put in every word we can? Colour. Armour. As innocent as that ‘u’ may seem, it’s infecting you. It’s infecting your country as we speak. It’s working its way through your communication systems, winding itself into your military command, wrapping itself around your systems. And it’s taking over all your ICBMs, every plane you have that can drop nukes, every ship, every nuclear offense you’ve got. And what does it do? Why, it does what a ‘u’ does. It sends it all right back at you.
That’s right, America! Fire a nuke at Canada and that innocent little ‘u’ will wake up. It’ll take control of that flying nuke and send it right back at you! Now who’s laughing?! Radiation? What, did you think all those forests of ours were there for show? They’re bred, genetically manipulated radiation blockers! We can survive under their protection indefinetly.
“Damn!”, you yell! “They’ve got defenses for everything we’ve got! Well, it dosn’t matter. There’s no way they can take us over, either. We have defenses too.”, to which I respond, “Eh!”. Why do I respond “eh”? Because it’s going to scramble your mind, that’s why. Those two simple letter, said in the right pitch, with the right stress, will scramble a man’s brain. All Canadians have been training in the art of Eh for years, and when the time is right, earplugs will be your only defense! But, of course, you won’t have any.
The First Legion of Beaver (FLB) will see to that.
The beaver, properly trained, is very intelligent. It can be trained to seek and destroy a target. Earplugs, for instance. And once that’s done, they’ll turn against YOU. And you’ll have beaver to the left and right of you! You’ll be up to your elbows in beaver! There is no escape.
Ever had a beaver eat YOU?
Now, why, oh why would I be telling you this? Wouldn’t surprise nearly make your plan foolproof? Well, yeah. But, I’m a cheeky bastard, and cocky to boot. You can’t win, hence I reveal our diabolical plot. A la every villain, ever.
So you see, America, you’re doomed to be conqoured by your frozen, friendly neighbours to the north. There is no chance for you. You might as well surrender now and accept your fate. And soon, each Canadian will have ten American slaves!
(cue insane, rambling laughter from beyond the fringes of the normal human psyche)
