…it’s caring for others. Not just in your mind, but with your actions. That’s it. That’s really all there is to it. Finding a way to do that, and making it your chief purpose, is the best chance at happiness.
Even if you have a job you hate, as long as you make your chief purpose outside of work caring for others, and you can see that work as a means to enable you to care for others outside of work, you can be happy, in my experience.
FWIW it is not just your experience. There is lots of research that backs it up -
A wealth of research now demonstrates that altruism is often positively correlated with subjective well-being, which comprises both high life satisfaction and experiencing more positive emotions and fewer negative emotions in daily life.[15] Two recent global investigations have found this at both the geographic and individual level using data collected from countries around the world.
I am skeptical that caring for others will make an unhappy person happy. I think it’s the other way around: a person who is already happy will want to care for others.
I thought Charles Dickens had settled this:
“Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six, result happiness.
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery”
Not sure if it is enough to make an unhappy person happy, but experimental interventional studies are supportive that it can make the average person happier.
https://www.mdpi.com/2076-0760/14/2/61?utm_source=chatgpt.com
Not just selection bias.
In a larger sense it’s about having a sense of purpose. A reason to get out of bed every morning.
Caring for others is the best way to have a sense of purpose. It’s possible to maintain a sense of purpose without really caring for others, say for example a job that is considered ‘important’ but doesn’t really do much to directly help people, like being a high-level businessman or a stockbroker, or something like that. But there’s a hollowness at the center of it. I think that’s why people who depend on their jobs for their sense of purpose often die mere months after they retire. But if caring for others is your sense of purpose, you can always find some way to fulfill that.
I think that’s a little simplistic. I mean I have two kids I care for and I can’t say that I’m particularly “happy”. And I don’t believe it’s because or in spite of having children to take care of.
@solost - are you a stockbroker (if that’s even a job anymore…I think they are “financial advisors” or “broker/dealers” now) or “high-powered businessperson” speaking from experience? Otherwise like @iiandyiiii you may be projecting your values on what you believe to be the secret to other people’s happiness. Maybe people whose job provides them purpose “die mere months after they retire” because they work until they are physically unable to?
I personally believe that the “secret to happiness” is based on a number of different factors that need to be kept in balance (in no particular order):
I think it’s hard to keep all of these in balance. But understanding how much you need of these things and when you need to dial back on one or more to support the others I think leads to a happier life.
No, not a stockbroker (or whatever it’s called these days). Managing money hurts my brain-- I leave that to others.
As for your ‘secret to happiness’ list, it seems to me that we are not much different; you have just included more of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs into your equation. Which for sure is very necessary-- you have to have the foundation of the pyramid established in order to have a chance to be happy. But, assuming one’s physiological and safety needs are met, I think what I said, that the basic secret boils down to ‘caring for others and feeling useful’ is not much different than your list.
Along with caring for others, I try my best to maintain a Sanity Bubble in the midst of the lunacy that goes on in the world. I keep only sane and serious people as my friends. I keep contact with crazy family to a minimum. I carefully read as much serious/sane news as possible. Idiocy in the world is really damaging to our mental health.
Simple answers for extremely individual and complicated emotional outcomes?
At best, you may have discovered the secret to your own happiness.
Caring for others nurtures in more than one way.
It nurtures your own well being and mental health as you nurture some other.
I found joy in volunteering. It gave me a pleasant feeling to do something, well with a happy heart.
When it became a chore I begrudged, I would quit. In theory.
I just wouldn’t count on some one or some thing to make me happy. That never ends well.
Sadly genetics is a massive factor in happiness/subjective well being. However the numbers vary wildly. they can go from 40% up to 80% that is genetic depending on the study.
However with modern pharmacology, I wonder if genetics effects can be altered. I’m much happier now that I’ve properly treated my depression with medications.
But as far as behavior and happiness my understanding is the biggest factors are healthy relationships, gratitude, helping others, hobbies that let you enter the flow state, etc.
I guess first I would want to define happiness. There’s hedonistic pleasure, a general sense of well-being, life satisfaction, etc. There are a lot of hard things that are often unpleasant in the moment but can lead to deep personal satisfaction (for me that would be parenting and writing fiction.) With parenting especially there’s a funny paradox where at times I would rather not play with my kid but I can spend an hour looking at photos of him and feeling all weepy. I can’t help be reminded of (I think Anne Lamont). “I hate writing. I love having written.”
My personal take on happiness, as someone who was once severely depressed over a long period of years, is that it’s something you have to do, and it’s not usually one thing you have to do, but like, twenty things, ranging from taking medication on time to physical activity. And you don’t always do any one of those things consistently but if you do enough of them quasi-regularly, chances are you’ll get quite a few on any given day, and you’ll be okay. When I start to get depressed I can usually climb out of it by looking at which of those things I’m not doing, and doing some of those things.
Caring for others is definitely one of those things as I find parenting deeply rewarding as well as doing things for my husband to try to make his life easier. Sometimes a little time with my son is all it takes to lift my mood.
Even in the midst of the current madness I would consider myself a pretty happy person. A generally satisfied with life person. I also don’t have a lot of time to think about whether I’m happy or not. That helps.
I spend time caring for others (elderly relatives). This is difficult, time-consuming, often thankless work, and does NOT make me happier. I do it because I believe it’s the right thing to do, and because someone needs to do it.
I do, as part of regular work, family, and social life, help other people. I enjoy that, but I’d describe that more as “fulfilling” than happy-making. What makes me HAPPY is quite different.
Yeah, I can’t say that any of that shit makes me “happy”. Sure, sometimes I do get a sense of enjoyment from helping people with a problem. But I think that’s different from the sensation of elderly, dimwitted inlaws, unmotivated children, lazy coworkers, my wife’s “honey-dos” or other people just sort of sucking at my life force with their unrelenting demands on my time to take care of shit they can’t or won’t do themselves.
I agree - I need a better definition of “happiness.” And I need clarification whether “caring for” means “interest in their well being” or “performing tasks for them”?
I personally think the pursuit of “happiness” is often a misguided goal. I feel “contentment” or “fulfillment” more meaningful and achievable. So that’s one discussion we’d need to have.
What exactly does “caring for others” mean. Is it simply “volunteering”?
My band resumed playing at an assisted living facility yesterday. I derived a tremendously positive feeling from that activity. But I sure don’t want to wipe their asses. Was that “caring for others”?
There is also the aspect of how one’s efforts are received. Are one’s efforts appreciated? Or met with a sense of entitlement, resentment, or unawareness?
Other than being happy (yes, I will use that word) to add an hour of entertainment into the residents’ lives each month, I’m not sure how much I really “care about” those folk. It is largely selfish on my part. Or at least a win/win. The residents enjoy hearing us, and we enjoy playing in front of an audience. Instead of really “caring about” the residents, the more time I spend in assisted living facilities, the more I’m encouraged to check the expiration dates on the stock of pain killers in my sock drawer…
The oversimplified conclusion of an 80-year longitudinal study conducted by Harvard?
Harvard Study of Adult Development: Human Connection is Key to Health and Well-Being