The "Share a Random Story From Your Life" Thread

Favorites so far: Night Rabbit’s jigsaw puzzle story & monstro’s Wah! story. Mine is one that I’ve told very recently in another thread, so I’ve just cut and pasted, sorry!

When I was a kid, we got this adorable, weensy little kitten. One day, I took this crap. I was immensely proud of it, but doubted I could get anyone to come have a look at it, so I buried it in the litterbox.

My brother screamed when he found it. My mom came running and was horrified. This thing was nearly twice the size of the kitten! She yelled at my brother for a while, trying to get him to admit that it was his, and then she decided to take the kitty to the vet. At that point, I stepped forward and took the credit that was my [del]doo[/del] due. :cool:

How come “Share a random story” always turns into “share a random story involving feces” :smack:

I tried to avoid it, I swear. My user name alone usually provides just the right amount of fecal matter per post, but I suddenly couldn’t think of any other events in my life with a proper story arc. I’ll try again, maybe.

I know I’ve got some vomit stories…

Here’s one. Now with 99.9% less poo.

One summer when I was about ten years old, Grandma sent me to Vacation Bible School. I was put into a group which consisted of me (a girl) and four or five boys of about the same age. Our teacher decided to have us sing a song for the whole congregation on the last night. She chose “Go Tell It on the Mountain” and had us practice every day, although we repeatedly told her that it was pitched too high for us to sing. On that fateful evening, we got up before the assembly, and the piano player started to play, when shockingly, all the boys were struck dumb! Rather than let our teacher down, I bravely undertook to sing a solo. I squeaked and screeched my way determinedly through the song, s-ss-tr-ai-ning to hit the harder notes, while the boys tried to drill holes in the carpet with their feet. When it was over, the teacher said apologetically to the stunned congregation, “She kind of leads them in everything!” Said the preacher, “She certainly does.”
:o :o :o :o :o

Years ago, I was privledged to have a friend named Kevin who changed a lot of my views of the world. Alas, people like Kevin come and go, and he went by dying in an accident just after his 35th birthday.

Kevin worked at home; he was a craftsman of sorts, and did pretty well. One day, I’m at home, and I get a call from him. “Arr,” he says, “I need you to pick up my wife from work and bring her to the hospital. I’m there with our son. Everything’s okay, I’ll give you more details when you get here.”

Trusting Kevin quite well, I do as instructed. Turns out he had a bad accident with a rotary saw in his workship and cut his thumb in half. They’ve repaired it, but it’s going to have permenant nerve damage.

Anyway, another few days go by, and Kev calls me again, asking for help. He’d volunteered weeks before to help cater a friend’s wedding, and now with the cast on his hand / arm, it’s gonna be tricky. Can I lend aid? Sure.

I didn’t realize it was going to be an outdoor / ‘biker’ wedding. We set up in a public park, and I was setting out trays of (fantastic) vietnamese food, when a trailer gets pulled in- it was for the groomsmen to change into their formalwear. They all pile in, and I hear them chatting as I’m setting up heating elements, making sure we have enough beer, and the like.

Suddenly, I hear, “Whoah!” from the trailer, and the shuffling of feet. The trailer literally -leans- as everyone in it goes to one side to look out the window. “Who’s -that-?”

I look that direction to see an absolutely stunning blonde in an off-white dress. Heart-stoppingly beautiful. I hear the guys passing guesses around as to who’s date / friend she must be… Then everyone stops.

“No way! It’s ____!”

“NO WAY!”

Apparently the blonde was a girl that always rode with them. They’d never seen her in anything other than leathers and denim, and she’d never had her hair done in that way. They were absolutely blown away. It made me smile for some reason.

About half-way through the wedding, she asked me to dance. I’m hardly the most handsome guy in the world, and the offer was incredibly flattering. At the same time, the look of most of the male guests were of the ‘touch her and die’ category, so I, sadly, explained that I was just there to cater, and while I was flattered by her invitation, I really shouldn’t.

I sort-of regret saying ‘no’ to this day.

Fecal matter-free story (well, there was probably some present, it being Mexico after all, but it doesn’t figure into the story at all)

So there I was, on our 4th or 5th trip to the Yucatan, cavorting in the ocean. Just barely to my chest came the water, family was on the beach relaxing, bro and sis-in-law were a few yards to the north. Just another day in the luxurious Mayan Riviera. The current is getting a bit strong, about time to head back for a bit anyway, and in comes a wave. Rather than just riding this one out, I decide to dive under as I’ve done many times in the past.
As I surface, I take a glance to my left (north) and notice that the in-laws aren’t standing there, but somehow have moved several yards closer to shore. No big deal, they just didn’t look as if they were heading in, so I turn towards shore (they’re now on my right), ride the next wave and am puzzled to see that they’ve moved even closer… and that the beach seems to be farther away as well.
Bewildered, I try to stand and discover that somehow the gently sloping land that was until so recently under my feet has also managed to sneak off. Not at all pleased with all this practical joking by the formerly reliable ground, I set off towards shore yet again. Weird that instead of reaching shore in a matter of moments, the roped buoys marking the limit of the swimming section are now hitting me in the back. I grab one of these ropes to pause and ponder.
Pondering doesn’t seem to help much, and the ropes are now underwater more often than not. In fact, I’m forced to hold them with my legs while the current is trying to tear my farther out to sea. This, I decided, is intolerable. Also very wet. I’m starting to get a little tired, and I see the water between me and shore is suddenly empty as the life-dudes run a red flag up the pole. Life guards… Hmm. An idea! Perhaps someone that is not only in better shape than myself, but also is an expert swimmer trained to deal with this kind of thing could provide some assistance. Where to find someone like that? On the beach, certainly, but if I could get to the beach I wouldn’t really need them anymore. Sometimes on TV they show people waving their arms high over their head causing buxom-blondes to immediately run in slow motion towards the water. As nice as that sounds I’d prefer someone that ran in regular motion, but I give the arm-waving thing a try.
Getting a little water in my lungs. That’s uncomfortable. Maybe I should wave the arms a little more. And I’m starting to lose my grip on the rope - lucky for me the current is so strong that my legs are pretty well pinned against it. As long as I can keep my knees bent, I’ll be ok… If the waves don’t get any higher.
Getting more than a little water in my lungs now. Should I panic now or wait? Seems like as good a time as any. You don’t want to be too tired when you start to panic, you know. As I can’t move anyway, I discard the Full-Bore Linear Panic as inappropriate and prepare to adopt a Modified Stationary Panic (except I can’t really sing any Russian squat-kick songs because I’m having trouble breathing) when I notice a small Mexican fella with a red floaty thing swimming my way. Wonder if I could catch a ride? Staying a bit away from me, he tosses the floaty thing my way. AHA! Either he’s trying to knock me unconscious or he wants me to grab it. Either way, I grab the thing before he gets a chance to hit me with it. Good think I didn’t start that panic yet.
Juan (I later learn is his name) tows my pale butt back to shore, I notice pretty much everyone in Playa is watching and I’d be embarrassed if I wasn’t so tired, Juan brings me some oxygen and asks for my room number.

Later that night, Juan comes to collect…

Not really, I guess it was for the paperwork or something.

Great thread. Love the stories so far. :smiley:

I’ll share one from my teen years. This will probably be long because I have a habit of painting gigantic verbal pictures.

During the mid-80s, my father and I lived in a three-storey townhouse in Concord, ON, with another family whom we’d known for years. (We’d even lived with them once before) There was myself and my dad, plus Rob and his mother. Four total, with three of us taking up the three bedrooms on the top floor and the mother downstairs. It worked out quite well.

Now, being in my early-to-middling teens, and Rob being three years older than me, plus my own friends who were my age, we all loved to go exploring around the area. At the time, much of the land on Dufferin north of Steeles was still undeveloped – even our townhouse division was still only a few years old, and they were building yet more at that point.

At one point, one of my friends, Ken, and myself, we were exploring some land just north and east of our place. It was largely open and unkempt field, but there was a three storey, fairly large place in from the road a ways whose purpose was clearly not residential, but which we couldn’t suss out. In behind and off a ways from this place, well out of earshot, was an old abandoned place. It was large and quite shabby, and rumour had it that is used to be an insane asylum. We’d heard that the (smaller) place we passed to get there that we didn’t know what it was for was the new asylum, but its comparatively diminuitive size and design didn’t lend itself to medical uses. Still, with nothing else to go on we went with it.

Now, I don’t know what it is with kids and abandoned places, but we just had to check it out. It was daylight, though overcast, so while we could titilate ourselves with stories of the place closing down due to mental patients escaping the psycho ward and slashing throats in their attempts to escape, we had the comfort of daylight to run back to if the shadows reached out too far.

The place was completely dilapidated. It was sturdy enough – all concrete and brick – but windows had been smashed out, paint was flaking everywhere, and the dust and debris of eons covered every surface and leftover stick of industrial revolution-era furniture. It was perfect!

We explored the upper floors with its empty rooms, the muted light of the day streaming in through cracked and broken windows and illuminating streamers of dust motes that were kicked up by our footsteps. The configuration certainly lent credence to the medical nature of the building’s rumoured purpose. Neat, but ultimately boring. The main floor, though darker and slightly more mysterious, was slightly more interesting, with different types of rooms to peek in and check out, some of them windowless and dark.

It was the basement that intrigued us the most. With the only windows being high up in some of the rooms where the floor peeked above ground level, the light down there was scant and mostly came indirectly from reflections on the walls opposite the rooms whose doors were open to let whatever light they could. That let mysterious shadows reach out and envelop certain areas – particular one area wherein there was no light, just six very small rooms – cells, really. No doubt where they locked up the real crazies that tried to kill the doctors and nurses. We dared one another to go in to that area which was almost black as pitch, with only the faintest indirect light able to cast the merest tantalizing hints of walls or shapes. But neither of us dared. Not without reenforcements.

Thus it was some weeks later that we hatched a plan. There were to be four of us, myself, Rob, Ken, and another of our friends, Adrian. I was the small but adventurous one. Ken, a budding weightlifter, liked stirring stuff up. Adrian was the same way, though without the weightlifting, and with slightly more criminal tendencies. Rob, the oldest among us and therefore the coolest among us in the manner of a cool older brother, was the budding movie director. He had an unholy obsession with horror movies in particular – loved slasher and splatter flicks, and was a devout subscriber to Fangoria magazine. By association, we all came to have an appreciation for them, too.

For illumination, Rob knew how to make a torch out of a shirt wrapped around a stout stick and marinated in kerosene. That’s right, a torch. We were doing this old school. And we were going to do this at night, the four of us, heading back to the abandoned insane asylum armed only with a fiery stick and nerves of steel. If steel could be made of yarn.

And so we did. We made our way in through a set of double doors and got in just far enough that the light from outside began to flee and we could no longer find our way by sight alone. Then we lit the torch, and the shadows retreated for a good ten foot radius at least. Just the same, we stuck very close together without actually touching – we were men, after all. Proper man-space distance must still be observed even when one’s life is threatened by whatever lurks in the shadows beyond our illuminated sphere.

Our destination was, of course, the lower level. We explored around the basement level (as best we could taking small, shuffling steps so as to maintain our compact, defensive cluster formation) and managed to suitably scare the willies out of one another, a sensation that only increased the deeper we went.

We approached the end of the northern wing of the building, which appeared to have been a cafeteria or staff room of some sort, what with all the cupboards and sink and spots where major appliances must once have stood. It wasn’t that large – maybe twenty feet long by thirty across, and a set of stairs led up on the other side of the room.

We were just about to head to it when we heard something from behind us. We froze, and slowly glanced at one another. Did we disturb something on our way past? Building settling maybe? We shrugged and cautiously made our way forward, now getting a little freaked out – well, moreso than we had already made ourselves.

Halfway to the stairs was another noise behind us. A loud noise. A pot being dropped and clattering on the linoleum. Once again, we froze, temporarily paralized with fear. That definitely wasn’t caused by us. This sound was at least ten or twenty feet behind us. We looked to one another again, now knowing that it wasn’t our imagination, and it wasn’t the building settling.

We weren’t alone. Someone else was there with us.

In a classic movie moment, we all turned around as if in slow motion, hoping against hope that it was the wind – on a windless night, in an enclosed space far from any open windows or doors, granted, but anything seemed possible when the alternative was almost certainly a gruesome, bloody, disarticulated death. But it wasn’t the wind. As we completed our 180, we saw, at the edge of the torchlight, a ground-level cupboard open with an accompanying squeak of rusty hinges, and a figure began to emerge.

Our brains scrambled to link our present scenario with anything familiar, and although we never voiced our findings – we all knew that expository dialog was foolish and always led to your untimely demise – we had all evidently come to the same conclusion, likely because it was the only logical one our particular group could come to:

JESUS CHRIST, IT’S A ZOMBIE!

Yep. Had to be. The insane undead had come back to rend us limb from limb and feast on warm gobbets of our still-quivering flesh, and that was just not on the agenda – not while we had a fiery stick, or at the very least a pair of legs that were still attached (for the moment) and capable of rapid movement. We let out a simultaneous quartet of surprisingly shrill screams and bolted for the stairs, at the top of which, rather conveniently, were a set of doors that led to the outside world. After smashing into them in a panicked attempt to ram them open, we discovered that, rather inconveniently, the door handles were wrapped several times over with heavy chain.

Crap.

We pushed and shoved and finally managed to push the door open just enough for us to squeeze out through an opening probably not more than three quarters of a foot wide. Adrenaline is awesome stuff that seems to transmute bone to jelly when in a state of shrieking panic. And with that, we made it outside.

Or rather, most of us did. Ken, Adrian and myself made it out, but Rob wasn’t there. Shit. Shit shit shit. He must have continued up the stairs to the second floor when we first discovered the doors were chained shut and didn’t wait to see if we could do something about it. We pounded on the door and hollered after him, screaming at him to get out, GET OUT OF THERE! We knew the zombie couldn’t get us – they could get up to a shamble at best, and they were just no good at squeezing through tight spaces without losing limbs.

There was no response. We imagined him huddled in a corner, sobbing quietly as panic gripped him by the throat – but if he was smart he’d find another way out, hopefully without being ambushed by any more undead.

After several frantic minutes of trying to get through to Rob, he appeared round the corner, having apparently come out the way we had first entered. We made sure he still had all of his extremities, and then left the scene, having survived the perilous encounter.

Now, in retrospect, it was probably just some homeless guy disturbed by our interloping on his cozy abode, but we barely got more than a glimpse of the shabby figure before we turned tail and ran, and we never went back to investigate from that point on, so really … we’ll just never know for sure.

This one’s very long but it’s true and very random. It’s an odd tale that may be the first lengthy thing I recorded in writing after interviewing my parents (though this obviously isn’t the 30 year old original). It’s their takes on God, and while names and exact dialogue have been altered the weirdest things are true. As it’s very long I’ll break it in half and if anybody’s interested I’ll continue it.

When I was little my brother and sister told me about my other older brother Steve Jr., who disappeared before I was born. “He was between Daniel and you, and had curly hair just like yours, and one day he smarted off to Mama and Daddy and they were both in bad moods and so they drove off with him in that old DeSoto out back and when they came back an hour later Steve Jr. wasn’t with them, and they said for us to never mention his name again unless we wanted to end up the same way! And that was about the same time Kitty and Carrie started pulling up curly blonde hairs in their well water.” I was appropriately terrified but was warned within an inch of my life to “never ever mention him to Mama or Daddy… they will both go crazy if he’s mentioned! I mean like you’ve never seen either one of them crazy! Like Daddy when the man shot his bull crazy, or Mama about three or four times a summer crazy, those would both be just not even a ‘darn!’ compared to how crazy they get when you mention Steve Jr.!’ And I’ve heard there were others before them.”
By the time I was in fifth grade I was pretty sure Steve Jr. was a myth to live by, though I still pretended to be terrified of him because it made my sister feel really guilty and gave my brother a false sense of weaponry. (At forty-one I’m almost positive he never existed, though not as sure about the others.)
When I was in fifth grade I learned about the existence of a very real horror in the world that I had no idea existed and, like Steve Jr., at first doubted even the possibility of, but this one it turned out from all sources really did exist. I learned about them in a special assembly for upper level elementary school students at John Calvin Academy. The assembly much like the one in Third Grade where a police officer showed us a movie about a little girl named Linda Sue in California who had gone off with a man who gave her jelly beans and when next seen her head was covered in Ed Wooden gore that was cheesy even by third grade standards; any of us could have done better with some red food coloring, ground chuck, and a can of SLIME™ and instead of leaving the assembly terrified as intended we just immediately renamed the red dodgeballs “Linda Sue Heads” and renamed kickball “Jelly Beans from Strangers Ball“ for a season. But the assembly in fifth grade made us leave appropriately terrified, as it was about a real evil: atheists.
Atheists were people, we were told, who wished to destroy everything Christian. In the past few years atheists in the Soviet Union had attempted to dynamite the remains of Noah’s Ark, which was clearly visible atop Mt. Ararat just where the Bible said it was, in order to keep it from proving the truth of the Bible. Atheists had produced the movie Jesus Christ Superstar with its machine guns and electric riffs all put there to slap the face of Christians, but that was mild; what they really wanted to do was kill Christians. Their generalissima Madelyn Murray O’Hare had pretty much said, we were told, that she wanted the teachers who prayed, like ours did every morning, arrested and put into camps like the ones we saw in the film that Hitler had started for Jews; in a future dystopia dramatized on the film sneering men with Ming the Merciless accents asked crowds gathered in an assembly much like ours “Who believes Christ died for your sins?” and those who raised their hands were hacked to pieces (you just saw blood squirting as the blades fell, a minimalist effect far more terrifying that Linda Sue’s on camera dodge ball head).
Since we went to one of the few schools left where Jesus lessons could be mentioned on felt board and prayers said, we were particularly high risk for such attacks. There were millions and millions of atheists probably on their way here right now: Russia was just chocked full of them and so was most of China. Hitler had been one as well and so were lots of people you’d never suspect, and they all wanted to take over America and kill the believers.
Back in fifth grade class we were disturbed by the film- those clips of the dead bodies that Hitler the Atheist killed were real! We sought reassurance from Mrs. Barton that they weren’t really a threat, and she let us know the truth- they were MORE of a threat than that movie implied! After asking whether any of us were Jews or Mormons or Catholics, she also confided something else in us- most of the Popes (we weren’t sure how many of these guys there were) nd pretty much all of the Mormon high-ups were, and so was Henry Kissinger who’d been a hair’s breath from the presidency just a couple of years before. This was confided in a post “look outside the door” kneeling whisper whose conspiratorial tone made it all the more real, as disturbing as when Mr. Burk had told all of the boys in my class in P.E. earlier that year that fags were men who wore flowery shirts who wanted to take us to cars to suck our ding dongs, a fate so horrible you couldn’t make a dodgeball game out of it.
The concept of not believing in God in and of itself was both anathemous and intriguing, for how could anybody have doubts? If God did not exist then just how could you explain Jesus being His son and all the prophets who saw him? Polytheism I could actually understand- I thought it was wrong but at least people who worshiped cows and rain gods because the didn’t have Bibles but did have really cool statues and stories that I sort of envied (a talking donkey is just not as cool as a minotaur no matter how you beat him), but no god at all was unthinkable. Most puzzling and disturbing of all however were memories of comments my parents, both members of the Fusihatchee Presbyterian Church and both of whom led prayers in school, had expressed similar doubts. At the time I’d noticed but cast them off as rhetorical comments not in any way to be taken seriously, but having now learned that atheists really did exist it was a new context.
“There could be no merciful God who would let that child suffer like that.”
“That man winding up with that disease and after all he went through in the war and his wife’s cancer… sometimes I think there can’t be a God.”
“Shug Jordan ordering that run when hell, those retarded kids that play in the middle of the highway know that that bastard Bear Bryant’s defense this year could have stopped Sherman and the Third Army combined… and now we have to listen to those damned Bama fans another year… if God’s out there then where was He during that game?”
“The Holocaust and a loving God. One of them never happened.”
At the time I had thought of these comments as rhetorical only (though I doubt I knew the word). In light of the film and lecture on atheists in our society, they had a far more damning and damned new context. It was as if I’d pulled water from the well for Kitty and Carrie- and found a little skull with some curly hair miraculously still attached floating in the bucket.
I started to ask them several times about this but never quite had the nerve. How do you ask your parents “Are you secretly controlled by Satan even though you say he doesn’t exist?” It was probably a year before I brought it up. It seemed a good time as they were drunk, and that was always a good time to ask them questions they might not answer otherwise.
It was late on a Friday night with an unwatched Johnny Carson show blaring forth as they sat on their fraternal twin thrones, my father’s brown faux-leather and reclining and my mother’s green velvet and swiveling. His cigars and her sequential Pall Malls had already filled the miniature cast-iron wash pot ashtray between them and conjoined smoke wafted towards heaven through the bullet holes in the ceiling. My mother was already in a mood with my father, but not a particularly aggressive one, just the “because you’re a damned failure!” low grade emasculating one that was safe to people who weren’t my father. Both had already made comments about things I did know and things I didn’t really understand about miscarriages and some woman named Christa down by the creek when my father was a boy and other things that I didn’t understand but knew they wouldn’t have talked about sober. This seemed a good time to broach the subject with them.
“Can I ask y’all a question about religion? Do y’all know about… atheists?”
My father explained “Yes, I do. Quite a bit about them.” I waited for the follow-up, but evidently that seemed to conclude the conversation. My mother’s eyes were closed and my father’s were open but focusing on nothing. I continued:
“They exist then? Do most of them come from really bad families? Or are they— like the Vietnam soldiers— what is it— brainwashed? Or where do they come from in general?”
“You’re a child" my mother said. “You don’t understand how hard and infuriating and frustrating life can be sometimes. Sometimes people just cannot believe anymore. You’ll go through periods of it…yourself. Everybody does.” A cigarette puff and a sip of Jim Beam and Coke from a bell shaped soda fountain Coke glass (her decanter of choice) for punctuation, then: “And when you do, you’ll come back to believing in God again. You always do.”
I asked the obvious question, almost afraid to hear the answer. “Have you ever not believed in God?”
“I just told you there have been times…”
“What about you Daddy? Have you ever not believed?”
“Hmmm…” then his patented throat clearing. This was a good sign as it meant he was going to discourse, not just answer, and this was a time I actually wanted him to go into detail. With his own tobacco and whiskey-coke (from a beer mug, his own favored vessel) combo, he began.
““Now if you ask me if I perceive Him in the way your aunts and the trained monkeys they give teaching credentials to at that place you and your mother drive to five days a week then the answer is No. By their standards I am an atheist. I will tell you that I was pretty much on par with Madame O’Hair until I got out of the Navy. But if you ask me if by my own standards- ergo the correct ones- I am an atheist, I will state most assuredly I am not. Unlike those Protestant pickle barrel fools I interpret Him correctly. For once I made some amendments and trimming He was there. And always had been. And I shall tell you about Him without proseylitithin … prospet…” a break, a reloading of vices, and then a booming bass voice, “without PRO-SEL-Y-TI-ZING! There then… I have a problem with consonants when I am intoxicated.
“God… what about Him… Oh yes…He’s there alright. He is indeed the Author of Nature. The King of Creation. And like any king there has ever ruled more than three people he does not know all of His subjects and would find the notion that he did… absurd. Nor would He want too.” The old man appeared to be falling dead at first but then it was clear his leaning was intentional and for effect.
“He is instead selective. He notices only the achievers and the occasional person that takes His eye, and even for those He intervenes only to propel the Almighty Narrative that He Himself has not deduced the ending to. He governs through Free Will with constant but limited Interference, but only to the Elect.”
He leaned back and reloaded.
“The notion of the Elect you see is correct. They exist. Though the Calvinists and the Presbyterians mangled it beyond all interpretation of course being governed like the rest of humanity mostly by idiots and pedants and upon occasion a real genius. Do you know what a prime number is?”
“Yes sir.”
“They’re people. People are prime numbers. Some of them. Or some prime numbers are people. I don’t know which is correct because I’m drunk and if I quit talking I’ll forget what I’m talking about. But some people are prime and spread increasingly infrequently as the numbers progress. Their motives are like others entirely selfish but they are prime… special… if the sheep are lucky, they have an benevolent effects on the whole. That are of course coincidental. The Presbyterians call them Elect. Though of course they don’t know what they’re talking about. The Baptists don’t call them a damned thing unless they need money.”
“And that’s why you’re Presbyterian?” I asked, though I was barely following anything.
“No. I am Presbyterian because they are not as demagogically inclined as the Baptists and unlike the Episcopalians they had the more historically significant building. Gothic spire. Gothic spire. And proximity to the river and place where the Tallapoosa Volunteers drilled and received benediction. I almost became Lutheran as they had air conditioning, but the Lutherans had a minister with a monotonous whine, and an outdated episcopacy. So I joined… the Presbyterians. 1950. I bowed my head in that 1835 sanctuary… beneath that slave balcony… original… Gothic spire… and I joined them in doxology. I had faith in my heart that I worshiped there, in time the air conditioning would come.”
“Yes sir,” I said, having understood absolutely nothing except air conditioning. “So you do believe in God?”
“As I interpret Him, which is a qualification that lends itself in my estimation to correctness, obviously, yes, I believe in God, as you call him.”
“And of course Jesus,” I said.
“I believe Jesus probably existed, yes.”
“And that he was the son of God?”
“Not bodily certainly. That is ludicrous. I think when God sought a representative on Earth He found it in Irony. There are too many too perfectly planned ironies in Nature and history not see his fingerprints. And it is in irony… irony always… that you truly find the fingerprints of God. If he has a son it is a concept, and that concept… is Irony.”
“Yes sir,” I said. I did not understand a damned thing he had just said.
“He didn’t understand a damned thing you just said,” my mother, eyes still closed but her cigarette conducting Doc Severinsen and drunken unseen angels, informed him. “I know he didn’t understand a damned thing you just said, because I didn’t understand a damned thing you just said and I am a lot older and wiser than he is and because I know that you didn’t understand a damned think you just said. Because you’re DRUNK! And full of yourself.”
“About the intoxication I’ll grant that you are correct. Of the Divinity you are not. Thus spake the prophet Steve of his own discourses and insights and his own revelations unto the nature of the Divine and his son Irony… a spawn he inspired as I sired Jonathan there… “
“You didn’t sire him! You didn’t sire any of them!”
“I assert that I did. No lesser man could endure the freezing blast long enough to inseminate. At least not without a rubber elbow glove and some things are too scary even for you…”
“You’re drunk and you don’t know what in the Hell you’re talking about.”
“Perhaps on that you are correct as well. In a discourse on what I believe about the unseen world it is not me but you who is correct.” He polished off his beer mug of whiskey and Coke and arose. “And if it is you who are correct, which you assert and I lend some consideration to, then THAT would be irony, would it not? Which shows the fingerprints of Divinity and proves that I am ultimately correct instead. Now finish that and I’ll make you another while I’m up.” She complied and he honored his pledge, braving the freezing blast to put ice in the mismatched glasses.
“You’re an idiot. You have no concept of God or anything else that you are not just mimicking and reciting verbatim to your own aggrandizement…. DRUNK!”
“Have it yoooooourrrr way…. At Burger King!” he sang out from the freezer in a popular jingle of the time. “That too I have copied and use without permission. But appropriately.” He gave an almost graceful bow as he hander her the soda fountain whiskey and Coke filled glass.
In the silence that followed, I debated asking the obvious question. I was afraid it would make her mad, but I thought it would more likely just make her disagree with Daddy, but could also be informative. So I asked “So Mama… do you believe in God?”
Her eyes still closed, she answered “Now you’ll hear the real truth and not just a drunk’s self aggrandizement. Let me tell you about your God…”

This one is my dad’s.

One day, when he was in his late teens/early twenties, his younger sister was sitting on the front porch of their house with a gentleman caller in the late afternoon. He, being a typical older brother, decided to interrupt lil sis’s conversation.

He retrieved an M-80 (very loud firecracker, which is now illegal to sell in this state) from the garage, and headed for the backside of the house. As the house was a single story ranch, his plan was to toss the thing over the house, hopefully landing near his precious sister and her buddy, then have it explode and scare the crap out of them. He went outdoors, lit it, and chucked it over the house. Unfortunately, the trajectory was just a little short of what he wanted, and it instead landed in the gutter right above the pair on the front porch.

He stayed around back, waited for the BOOM and resulting yelps and screams, then came around front to laugh in their faces. Upon reaching the front of the house and laughing a bit, he soon discovered that there was a rather large and noticeable hole in the gutter. This was a major problem. His father would communicate his disapproval of the hole and the actions leading up to it in a loud and vocal manner, which was a situation to be avoided at all costs. Said father is due home in a short period of time.

My dad promptly dove into his car (which was rather distinctive), and headed for the nearest hardware store at top speed. He bought a matching section of gutter, and headed back home, breaking a few speed laws in the process. He managed to get home, pop in the new section of gutter, and climb down, with his father pulling in just seconds after the busted section of gutter had been hidden in the deep reaches of the garage.

First thing his dad says as he gets out of the car? “Were you at the hardware store earlier?”
“What? Nope. Why?” says my father, sweating bullets.
“I saw a car that looked just like yours at the hardware store on my way home.”

His dad bought it, and never found out about the entire thing until years later at a family gathering. By then enough time had gone by that everyone involved had a good laugh.

Returning from Germany in '88 on leave (on my way to Ft. Hood), and I’m stuck in the cattle-car section of a 747 with screaming NCO’s, their screaming spouses, and their screaming kids. It’s shaping up to be a 12+ hour nightmare when the flight attendant asked me if I minded giving up my seat so a couple could sit together. I say “Sure, no problem,” and surrender my seat in Hell.

The flight attendant led me forward, and up a small spiral staircase, to the first-class seating. The lowest ranking officer up there was a Major. They all glared daggers at me for the whole flight, but I didn’t care.

I have two stories:

First, in the mid '90s, I worked at a local not-for-profit agency, setting up day-on-the-job experiences for at-risk high schoolers. One 15 year old said he wanted to explore the idea of being a pilot. There’s an Air Force base about two hours east of us, so I called them; an Air Force pilot returned my call & we set up a day’s experience for the student.

The day came & went, & I looked forward to feedback from the student. I guess fate had other ideas. The Monday after, there was an article in the local paper about a drunk driving incident involving teens. My future pilot was one of the students killed.

The high school guidance councellor called me the next day. She told me the deceased student’s dad, who had accompanied him to the Air Force Base, told her that the pilot had met them at a McDonalds and then accompanied them both to the base. He had taken them both up & had let the young student pilot the jet briefly. She also told me that the father thanked her for the experience, and dad had felt for the first time in a very long time that he and his son had connected and he felt some hope for the young man’s future. A feedback from the pilot later confirmed this.

Second story:
I have two daughters, who learned to wash their hands for 20 seconds (to kill germs) by singing “Happy Birthday” twice. I took them to a small restaurant & they went to the bathroom. A few minutes later, a waitress asked me if one of them had a birthday that day. It turned out that both girls were singing “Happy Birthday to Me” at the tops of their voices while they washed hands.

I almost wish this story involved me, but it’s too good to not tell, so:

In college, my friend Sven (not his real name…clearly,) was known pretty well for his drunkeness. He got drunk at least 3 times a week his sophomore and junior years (this story takes place the latter…he toned it down a bit his senior year.) However, despite how drunk he got, he was always one of the best drunk people anyone ever knew. He was never an angry or sad drunk, always the fun drunk, and was never that drunken guy trying to force beer down the throat of the sober roommate/fraternity brother who was trying to do his homework. Needless to say, this made people like to drink with him, which merely resulted in a positive feedback loop of him drinking more and more, up until the events in this story.

It begins on a Saturday night. I don’t know what a lot of us were doing, but it was something else while he was at an apartment of our friends (we’ll call them Melvin and Dan,) that were having a party…next week. But they had to invent new drinks for the party, so Sven and them were testing out concoctions and drinking them. It should be noted here that several of their concoctions used either 160 proof Devil’s Springs vodka (the highest proof you could get in NY, where we were) or sometimes even 190 proof grain alcohol if one of them had managed to make a trip over to VT recently.

So the night goes by, and they all get drunker and drunker, and eventually realize that they are in no condition to judge how any more of their drinks taste, and so resort to merely doing bottle shots of the 160/190 proof booze. They finally either run out of alcohol, or just decide it’s time to stop. Sven, despite protests that he should just sleep on Melvin and Dan’s couch, insists on walking home, because he hates sleeping in his clothes on an uncomfortable couch. He walks his nearly blacked-out ass home and promptly…falls asleep on our couch wearing his clothes. :smack:

Come the next afternoon he drags his drunk ass (he’s not even at his hangover yet) off the couch and heads to his room to shower, change his clothes, etc…One problem though…he can’t find his keys (we all had individual locks on our doors.) He checks his pockets, all over the couch, the floor, and finds no trace of them. He calls up Mel and Dan and asks if they’ve seen them at their place. They say no, but they’ll start looking and also that Mel was missing a pair of his shoes, and Sven’s shoes were here, so if he could bring back Mel’s shoes that would be great.

So Sven looks for Mel’s shoes, puts them on, and walks back up to their apartment. When he arrives, they discover he is NOT wearing Mel’s shoes…he’s wearing two mismatched shoes, and they’re both left shoes. Oddly enough, they find both pairs for the shoes at Mel’s place, but they don’t belong to Mel, Dan, or Sven…this, of course, means not only did Mel and Dan somehow acquire TWO pairs of shoes that weren’t theirs, but that Sven walked home (and then back the next day) wearing two left shoes.

So they begin the search for Sven’s keys, both inside and out (because they were on the porch that night as well.) During this search, Mel and Dan have to tell Sven that his pants, the ones he wore the night before and is still wearing, have a GIANT tear down the back of them, exposing his pretty boxers for all the world to see (thankfully, Sven wasn’t one to normally go commando.) So now the pieces are (not quite) falling into place. Sven put on two left shoes, walked home while blacked out, fell down somewhere (probably because he was wearing two left shoes,) and ripped his pants.

Well, several minutes of fruitless searching go by, and no luck. But wait, Sven gets an inspiration! A couple more minutes of last night, after he left Mel and Dan’s house, come back to him! He actually went to his car to get his jacket because it was a chilly night, and then he remembered walking into the woods to take a shortcut home (once again more pieces fall into place…he probably tripped in the woods and tore his pants open on a tree or bush, and now there’s a good chance his keys are in that bush.) Well, they figure before they spent time searching the woods, they’ll check his car in case he left the keys there.

They go to the parking lot and…no car. It’s gone. Mel and Dan turn to Sven and yell at him for driving while he was that drunk. Sven INSISTS he didn’t drive. He has NEVER driven his car no matter how drunk and blacked out he’s gotten, and besides that, he remembers leaving the car with his coat and heading into the woods. They figure it must have gotten towed by the campus parking enforcement (Mel and Dan lived in an on-campus apartment.) They call up the public safety office, but they inform them that they don’t tow cars after just one night parked in a lot, they merely ticket it. Well, Sven knows he didn’t drive home, so he fears the next logical happenstance…someone stole his car, which makes sense considering he probably left the keys in it anyway.

So now Sven heads back home, still with the torn-up pants, but this time with at least his own shoes on the correct feet, and his hangover starts to finally kick in (nice timing with that.) He manages to break into his room, calls the police, and files the report. He then has to call his mom to let her know she’ll have to call the insurance company, since it was in both of their names. He then decides it was time for him to finally take a shower. When he was done, however, the universe had more in store for him. When he went to leave the bathroom, the knob broke off in his hand and he was trapped inside. He banged on the door until someone finally heard him and had to completely take apart the door handle and fiddle with the mechanism to get it to open. At this point, sick of all the crap that was flung at him that day, Sven promptly took a nap. He gets woken up less than an hour later, however, by the same cop that took his stolen car report. Finally, some good news, they found his car! He asks where he has to go to pick it up, and the officer says “just come out of your house, I’m here outside.”

Feeling puzzled, Sven goes outside and sees the cop. “Follow me,” he says and he proceeds to walk about three houses down to wear Sven’s car was parked in an old lady’s driveway, with the old lady standing next to it. She then explained that last night, about 4:30 AM, Sven parked his car there, knocked on her door, and when she answered, he said he was very sorry but he absolutely, positively, HAD to leave his car in her driveway, but would be back tomorrow to pick it up. When he wasn’t back the next day, she called the cops to let them know. They had her read the license plate number, and BINGO, the “stolen” car was found. The old lady was very nice, didn’t want anything bad to happen to Sven, because he was so nice and apologetic when he parked his car there.

The cop turns to Sven, tells him it’s a crime to file a false police report, and not to ever do anything like this again, and gets in his cruiser and leaves. Sven takes his car back, calls his mom and tells her that some friends of his just pulled a prank on him and moved his car, and promptly went back to taking a nap. We still think the old lady stole the car then just made up that story to cover her own ass.

To this day, Melvin has never found his missing shoes.

My eleven-year-old son told me that yesterday, he was just sitting in class with the other kids when they suddenly became aware that there was a squirrel on one of the desks. The squirrel jumped onto the back of a chair, knocking it to the ground, and from there, went up the chalkboard to the top, where his furiously lashing tail erased part of the writing on the board. The critter then ran along the board and leaped onto a table, where he proceeded to scrabble in an open bag of Hershey’s Kisses. At this point, the shrieks of the kids and the teacher scared him so bad he peed on the SmartBoard eraser and hauled ass back into the hole in the ceiling tile from whence he apparently came. The teacher threw out the whole bag of Hershey’s Kisses.

(A SmartBoard is a thing they have now which is kind of like a large computer screen. The teacher can click and drag stuff around on the board with her hands. I’m not sure what the eraser is like, but it doesn’t sound like the sort of thing that would benefit from a dose of squirrel pee).
**
Sampiro**, I for one would like to hear the rest of your story!

Sampiro, I too am waiting to hear your mother’s thoughts on God! :slight_smile:

Sampiro, would you mind if I quoted your story in a role-playing game I run for my friends? I think there are some really well-worded insights there, and I’d like to give credit where credit is due.

Monstro, years later I give you applause. I know the ‘Nobody makes my sibling cry’ reaction (albiet, as the youngest, I was often the cryer), and I know how powerful it can be. Kudos to you for sticking up for one who, at the time, could not.

Yes, Sampiro. Please tell about your mama’s God.

[George M. Cohan]My family thanks you, I thank you, and my ego thanks you.[/GMC]
Her eyes still closed, she answered “Now you’ll hear the real truth and not just a drunk’s self aggrandizement. Let me tell you about your God…”
“This promises to be on par with an evening with Thomas Aquinas” said my father, managing to relight his cigar and drink a sip of Jim’n’Coke simultaneously.
“When your opinion is sought… I imagine it will be the end of times.”
“I’ve often thought that’s when my greatest service would be offered.”
After a silence I prompted: “So you do believe in God?”
“Oh yes, most definitely. I do not have the slightest doubt as to the existence of God. None.”
“I would not go that far,” my father said, returning with her bell shaped commemorative soda fountain Coke glass. “I do not think it is possible to never doubt his existence.”
“I said I used to doubt it! That’s not what he asked you blowhard son of a bitch!” she said, her voice slightly slurred but then returning to a close-eyed lecture tone. “He asst do I believe… in… Him… NOW! And the answer is… YES! I have no doubt whatever as the existence of God.”
She took a sip and resumed the ontology. “I doubt the sanity of God everyday. But never His existence.”
“And his benevolence,” my father added.
“I don’t doubt his benevolence either. Any more than I doubt Hitler’s love for the Juice. Jews. I don’t doubt His benef-benefolence anymore than I doubt my ability to walk through brig walls or that dog over there’s alibity to fly to damn… China… or your father’s ability to do one goddamned thing that doesn’t involve putting those old dinosaur women ahead of his own family in priority.”
It was always odd that no matter how drunk she became her speech never slurred when hurling insults at my father, as if there was a back-up generator that kept that part of the brain and no other sober.
“You see I don’t doubt his belevonence… because I know it’s not there. God is not merciful. Just get that out of your head. He exists. But He is not merciful and anybody He tells you who is….they haven’t read the Bible. I have never… not since I was a little girl and read Genesis when I was fi… five years old… understood where we get this mercy and loving stuff from. Who tells you He is… has not read His book. Because it’s not in there. He never even says He is except once or twice. And then you can tell He’s probably just sleepy or something…”
“Could be drunk. His first miracle as a mine was turning water to wine for his mother…” my father theologized.
“Yep. If you’d been there I’m sure you’d have done it for yours cause you do anything else she asks you to do and it doesn’t make a goddamned bit of difference whether I need something or your children need something if that old bat needs something.”
“I resent that implication. Unlike God and unlike my children I can say with pride my mother does not happen to drink.”
“She’s not a drunk because she’s a CARRIER! She CAUSES alcoholism!”
“And she’s doing a damned good job of it. Unlike your mother who never even had a damned hobby. Unless you count pettiness and senility.”
“You watch what you say about my mother!”
“I would love to. I’m told I’m something to watch when I say anything.”
“What about God?” I asked, trying to get them back on track.
“God. God. Oh yes God. HE is a spoiled BRAT! One day he loves you and the next day He’s killing your whole tribe or sitting back munching Fiddle-Faddle while somebody else does all because your great-grandfather pissed Him off. He so loved the world He sent his own begotten Son that’s what the damned preachers tell you, sent his Son to us… and they ignore the fact that He then turned around and KILLED Him. So they made up something that doesn’t make a goddamned bit of sense about how it was our fault and helped us when He did it. Peter the Greek… the Great… killed his son and nobody said ‘Well he did it cause he loved Russia didn’t he?’ but God does and they say it’s our HAPPY DAY! He gave a sacrificed to Himself. And do you know why they say that they say it because they’re too stupid to read it and too scared to see it and they have puh-reach-ers that know nobody’s going to give money for a new damn organ or give them a raise if they say the truth which is God will send you to Hell for the Hell of it because HE’S A SPOILED BRAT! So they whitewash Him.”
A long silence followed in which I couldn’t tell if she was asleep or awake. Either way I did not really want her to resume. My father apparently did.
“That was one of your best argued statements in some while,” he allowed.
“I’m so glad you like it PROFESSOR! But it’s not as wordy as yours so it mustn’t be right mustn’t it?!”
“Obviously I find mine more correct than yours or your version would be mine, would it not?”
"No you wouldn’t. “God Himself could come in this room and say ‘Steve! Blanche is right about me and you are wrong’ and you’d still choose yours. You’d say God doesn’t know what He’s talking about.”
“You said yourself you doubt his sanity. His disagreement with me on a theological matter would just yield confirmation.”
"I’ll yiel’ you some consummation. But yes, He probably would take your side. Because He’s arbitrary. GOD IS A VINDICTIVE… UNFORGETTING… UNFORGIVING… PETTY… UNFORGIVING… PETTY… MANIPULATIVE… MERCILESS… MONSTER……WITH A PERSECUTION COMPLEX AND WILL WIPE OUT CITIES IF HE DOESN’T GET HIS WAY IN EVERY TEENY TINY THING AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT THAT IS!!!”
“Then come the Second Coming it sounds like you and He will get along famously.”
“Shut up.”
“Two thousand years after the Second Coming… the Drunken Blanche could well supplant the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalen. Cause if it’s true of few others he by God made you in His image.”
“Shut the hell up… fat bi a…”
“Manipulative petty unforgiving tyrant… yes indeed… Mustang was cuckolded. Jesus has a sister.”
“You are drunk and crazy…”
“I suspect he’ll take you into Heaven with him in a chariot of fire should the Old Boy theophanize soon enough…”
“Should he what?” I asked.
“Theophanize…” said my father, drunk but fiercely proud of his knew semantic toy.
“The word…” slurred my mother… “is Theosophize. Your father…”
“Blood test came back did it?”
“Your father is trying to be deliberately obtuse and sound inteffectual. Theosophize. Theosophy was a cult in the Victorian era. He thinks he knows things I don’t.”
“Because I do. And the word is theophanize” and he saw the bottom of his ten-thousandth glass of whiskey and Coke. “A theophany— a THEOPHANY! is a materialization of God. Look it up.”
“I don’t want to look it up.”
"Thus to make a theophany should… by logic… be to theophanize!” He began to laugh, looking as if he would collapse any second of a major coronary as he did so, his red-brown Geronimo toned face seeming even darker against the white undershirt and underwear that were his outfit of choice around the house. “Now remember this Jonathan… my son… my irony… I am… your father. And I am… too drunk… to drive, or to walk a straight line. I am too drunk to recall my own telephone number. It’s 20556…67571728…2…yes indeed, I am too drunk to recall my telephone number. I am sufficiently drunk that my vision is impaired. But as drunk as I am, never forget that I can not only call to mind the word theophany but I can transform it! I can baptize it anew and… perhaps for the first time in history… convert it into a verb. Theophanize! I have coined a new word.”
“It’d be the only coin you brought home this week” my mother said.
“And if God should THEOPHANIZE… say that word Jon…”
“Theophanize,” I complied.
“Say that word Blanche. Theophanize, it has a ring.”
“Go to hell you egomanistical son of a bitch.”
"Close! But you left out the theophanize. If God should… if He should what Jon? If God should… what is the verb for His appearing before us?”
“Theophanize.”
“Indeed. If He should theophanize… then… what was I going to say?”
“I’m sure it was at MY EXPENSE LIKE EVERY OTHER DAMNED THING IS!”
“Was it? Was it at Blanche’s expense…Yes! Yes it was. And I thank you Lady for reminding me. If God should… oh shit…what’s that word I just came up with? I just had it… theocracy…”
“Theophanize,” I volunteered.

"Indeed. IF GOD SHOULD THEOPHANIZE INTO THIS ROOM!” he boomed with the power and the vengeance of a faith healer. “IF GOD SHOULD THEOPHANIZE TONIGHT! With His vindictive and crazy… theocrazy…, Hah hah hah! Another one for my account… with his vindictive and crazy and unforgiving and grudge holding and thoroughly irrational nature! Then I daresay He and your mother… should transact like Bonnie and Clyde! Like Sacco and Vanzetti. They died the day I was born. Did you know that?”
“No sir. Who were they?”
“Two wops who died when that bastard was born” my mother elucidated.
“You dated a wop once as I recall…Jerry Lupo. You used to drive me into madness with the mention of his name when we were courting… Jerry Lupo…”
“Luposi. And I had CHILDREN by him!”

“You must introduce me to them sometime. Before God… THEOPHANIZES! And takes you to be the queen of his bitter and judgmental heaven!”
“And if He did… do you know what I would ask Him for? One favor…”
“I think you’re confusing Him with a genie…”
“I’d ask him for one favor. And that is to send your sorry ass straight to Hell! And your crazy ass family with you!”
This seemed to have stung him, in spite of being far from the most damning dagger of the night. Or perhaps he was just absorbing it. For in a moment he began laughing. So much so he was nearly purple.
“And if He did… if He did… then…by your own admission…He’d hold it against you! Because He is ‘petty and vindictive and unforgiving’… by your own pronouncement. And He would call you before The Emerald Throne…”
“He doesn’t have an Emerald Throne. That’s Wizard of Oz.”
“The hell he doesn’t. It’s in Revelations. Or in… the other one… Revelations. If I could walk to the desk I would show it to you.”
“Have it your way. You will anyway.”
“Mark this, my younger son. When Blanche is before His throne… His EMERALD THRONE! God will say 'You… Thou… art the woman so much like me that I granted you a favor… and you sent your… thy…husband… and his family to Hell. And because I am unforgiving I hold you responsible for their damnation… and therefore I am sending… YOU!” He pointed to make sure she knew who he was talking about, and she may have as her eyes were now open. “I am sending YOU to Hell for sending… THEM to Hell…. And here’s the true Hell of it… the Hell of Hell… is that I… God… had planned to send your husband and his family to Hell anyway! And I’d planned to bring you up to Heaven because we are so much alike… you and I. But now because you sent your husband to Hell… where he was going anyway… you are going to Hell to spend all eternity with him… instead of in Heaven with me… Thus saith the Lord!”
“You are officially… crazy” she observed, but calmly.
“And when you get to Hell, and you join me, do you know my wife what I shall say to you?”
“Something that makes more sense than anything you’ve said here prollaby…”
“I shall say this… you Blanche… are in Hell because you put me here. And that’s ironic isn’t it? Ironic. Irony. IRONY! WHICH MEANS I AM RIGHT! And always was! De profundis inferno! Even from the depths of Hell I strike you, and that’s with you calling in a favor from God!” And he launched into a laugh that was disturbingly manic for a large drunk and prematurely old man in his underwear.
“Hah hah hah hahhahhahhahahahah…” and he laughed so hard that he began to cough. And then to choke.
“Choke to death and go to Hell now you bastard. Then I won’t have to call in a favor.” She said calmly as she arose from the swiveling emerald throne to pour a last glass for the evening.
Perhaps she got her wish, for he continued to choke. His face turned crimson. He was having trouble breathing and clutching his throat.
"I said choke you bastard! Keep doing it!”
He did. He was standing now, his very large frame facing the wall and his very large very white ass clearly visible through the hole that had been blown in his underwear over the past few wears. And he clutched his throat.
“Daddy! Daddy are you okay!” I got up and ran to help him. He shooed me away with one hand, the other at his throat which now had only gurgling sounds, no coughing, coming out.
My mother returning from the kitchen with her… and his… last glass of the evening, said “He can’t even do that ri… Steve? Steve? Steve?! Are you okay! God Almighty!” she said with irony, setting the glasses down on the counter so suddenly both fell and spread their precious contents onto the floor as she went to her husband, who seemed ready to fall backwards. “STEVE! Hold… still… fuck! I’m going to give you the… Heinrich… this is going to hurt a bit…”
Her hands slid around his considerable belly. She placed her palms above his navel. But before she could tighten the grip the middle aged old man spun around fully with surprising grace and élan and a completely unpredictable speed. His choking and instantly and near miraculously vanished, as he faced her, their stomachs touching, and as she tried desperately to absorb what had happened- for he was always the more lucid drunk- he grabbed her now limp left arm and took her left hand in his right, encircled her waist with his own left arm, and shoved her back into a random and drunken two-step as he sang, very loudly, one of his favorite cowboy songs:
“Oh the devil in Hell they say he was chained!
and there for a thousand years he remained!
not once did he complain nor did he moan!
he just decided to start up a Hell of his own!”

My mother stepped in something vaguely like proper time with him, at first as a matter of self preservation, but after a few seconds she was clearly anticipating and following his lead. I had never seen them dance before. I had heard they had danced often at one time. She apparently still knew how.
Unfortunately it had been many years since then and they had aged. Before he could begin the second chorus Daddy was hopelessly winded, and hopelessly intoxicated, and collapsed back into his chair, now truly looking as if he was on the verge of death. My mother remained standing for a second, not sure of what in the hell of his own had just happened, before sitting in her juxtaposed throne and saying nothing.
When he could speak my father said, in about one word per breath, “That is the most I ever had to go through to get a dance from you.”
She herself was perhaps drunk enough to believe that I had not noticed she had smiled just a tiny bit, or that she had definitely let herself be led during the last five seconds of the dance. Or perhaps she just knew I would not have the poor taste to mention it. She thanked him for the dance by saying “You are a drunk sorry bastard. And I cannot believe… even you… would traumatize your own son… just to make a fool of me."
“God would have killed him. You said so yourself. Count yourself lucky you married me. Instead of God. Or Jerry Lupus.”
“Luposi.”
“Either way… you’d wind up in Rome.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Goddamned if I know. But I can dance. If only for a moment. Even if I can’t theophanize. Fix me one more drink while I rest a minute. Then I’m going to go to bed. For which I will need assistance."
She fixed him and herself one more to replace the ones that spilled. By now both of them had eyes that were closed, hardly any words passed and those that did were non-sequitur. I decided that I would not gain valuable insight into the true nature of God tonight. Though I did at least learn a new word.
“…theophanize…” my father said, mostly asleep in his recliner. “Theophanize.” If he said anything else I missed it as I had gone to bed. Either he underestimated himself or my mother helped him into bed, for the next morning neither were still in the chairs and loud snoring came through the French doors of their own suite.
So long story short, that’s why I don’t drink.

Your character in a role playing game is an alcoholic southern history teacher? What’s the game- Drunkards & Dragons? :stuck_out_tongue:
No I don’t mind at all.

And what about Einstein’s Tongue? May we quote it in its entirety and credit it to you?

For real?