The "Share a Random Story From Your Life" Thread

As a child I was very well read and a bit of a know-it-all. My mother said I bailed her out of a few funny questions made by my sister. So here’s two of her favorite stories for your enjoyment.

One time we were riding in the car on the way home from the video store, where we had made an unexpected detour into the adult video section while my dad had been at the counter paying. From the contemplative silence of the backseat, my sister suddenly enquired, “Dad, what is SEX?”

More contemplative silence, as my dad pondered how to answer this question.

Suddenly I piped up, “You know. . . M or F!”

My sister says, “What?!?!”

“You know, that’s “sex”; when you fill out a form and you have to check M or F.” I explain.

“Ohhhhhhh.” End of conversation. My dad is silently laughing his ass off.
Another time, we were watching Hawaii 5-0, and someone broke the news to Dantana (don’t ask me who that is) that his girlfriend was picked up for soliciting. My sister asked my mom, “What’s soliciting?” Before my mom could even respond, I say “That’s when you sell things door to door!”

My sister says, “Dantana’s girlfriend got arrested for selling DOOR TO DOOR?”

I said, “Yes! It’s illegal! You know, they put up those signs everywhere that say “No Soliciting!”

When I was 16 I had a crush on this girl called Veronica. I used to think about her alot. I wrote a piece of music about/for her. It was an instrumental piano piece. I wasn’t really friends with her, she was a friend of a friend but one day they both called over to my house where I had been recording music. For whatever reason I played the piano piece and Veronica asked me to play it again, then she started crying. She said it was beautiful and asked me for a recording of it. It was only later that I told her it was written for her.

You were probably watching Vega$, not Hawaii 5-0.

A true “Full Service Hotel” story:

Years ago I used to work in a large and very busy hotel where we usually paged bellman or other employees over an intercom that went out over a 10 story atrium. Since housekeeping had to page people a lot and the front desk was often slammed, I taught a couple of housekeepers how to use the intercom- “We need a houseman to the lobby elevator” or “Bellman there’s a guest needing service” type stuff.

Okay, the housekeepers weren’t as a rule the best educated demographic in the work force, but generally it worked out okay. Nobody particularly minded that they sometimes broadcast over the intercom, because they didn’t use it inappropriately and it was always for valid work use and while some didn’t have the most pleasant speaking voices they didn’t yell into it and most people drown out intercoms anyway.

Until…

One day a guest left the hotel only to find out that his car wouldn’t start due to a dead battery. He asked the first person he saw, a housekeeper, if she could please send a bellman or some other employee to give him a jump start with the hotel van. He needed a jump start- I italicize that because it’s important.

The housekeeper came to the front desk where I was slammed and so was anybody else on duty, so she decided to use the intercom. I don’t know if it was a slip of the tongue or if she just didn’t know the proper word, but she announced over the 10 story atrium intercom that

“Bellman please come to the front dex bellman come to the front dex we gotta customer out front need jackin’ off bellman to the front dex a customer outside need jackin’ off drive the van customer need jackin’ off in his car…”

and I mean SHE JUST KEPT ON SAYING IT!

A lot of people didn’t hear it and were just looking confused at the people around them who were either looking shocked or laughing their asses off and without regard to age or gender or whatever (i.e. some old ladies were laughing their asses off while some men looked pissed). The hotel managers came running from everywhere like we’d just struck an iceberg, and the best line of the day is one I wish I could claim but it belonged to a nerdy lawyer type who said “Damn! This is a full-service hotel!”

That’s the last time housekeepers were allowed to use the intercom, which sucked because it was a convenience for everybody. To the best of my knowledge the guy got jacked off in his car and the bellman got a good tip.

Moonlight limned the harsh crags of the mountaintop, but little of it reached the battle under the treeline. Shadows flickered among the trees, lashing out almost at random. The scout shoved a bundle of parchment into Sandor’s hand before turning to join the fight, and Sandor drew me into the shelter of a clump of boulders. Under the shelter of my cloak, I made a small light, and cursed softly at the writing it revealed. Another cipher, one that might hold the key to everything.

A quick check of our notes confirmed that the coded message used a different key from the others we had cracked that night, and as our friends struggled around us, we settled grimly to our work. Even a substitution cipher can be difficult when your grasp of the language is shaky, but we had had plenty of practice. Whispers passed quick as thought between us, guesswork and logic in equal measure, and we began to make progress. Within minutes, the pieces fell into place. I looked across at Sandor, and in the faint light, I could see the wheels turning behind his eyes. Click, click, click. He saw it, too. We knew where to go, and what to do when we got there. Stars be damned, the Old One would not return this night.

A hoarse cry warned me, and I looked up to see one of the cultists looming over us, raising an axe. Rolling aside, I lashed out, taking him just behind the knees. He sprawled forward, and Sandor wasted no time in planting a knife in his back. Hissing commands, we quickly gathered our allies. I leveled my staff at the grim line hemming us in.

“Time to punch a hole.”

All right, so it was just a LARP. Our lives weren’t really in danger, and there was–so far as I know–no actual chance of a Lovecraftian horror being unleashed upon the world. Still…there I was in the cover of a clump of boulders, at night, halfway up a mountainside, with a battle raging around me, breaking a code in a dead language.

This has been the story of my Daniel Jackson Moment. :smiley:

**brujaja **is my hero for the day! That was a kind, noble thing you did, and you did it well. It would have been easy to look the other way. I suspect you played a major role in that girls recovery, and her life. I salute you!

I bought a honey glazed spiral cut ham yesterday. Damn it’s good. (That counts as a story, right?)

On the Art of Burning a Bridge

Complete instructions in 55 words.

He stands, stretches, and idly watches a vagrant dawn breeze make ripples across the water’s glassy surface. Elaine, contented after her victory, is still sleeping on their beach blanket. The breeze ripples her hair.

He already misses her younger sister’s golden, flowing locks. Elaine’s dark hair is cut shorter, and the breeze ripples through it.

When I was a young’un, I was watching Rumpole of the Bailey with my parents, and a woman was brought in on charges of keeping a disorderly house. I spent some time after this worrying that my mother would be arrested for her frankly lousy housekeeping skills before eventually they explained the concept of brothels to me.

:smiley: :smiley:

I know I’m going to regret this, but how did you transport it from…where ever it was to the litter box?

Two from when I was really little:

The Chicken Balls (2 1/2 years old)
This is one of the first things I remember–mostly just the cool egg colors, being freaked out by the chickens, and then running, but the rest has been filled in by other witnesses.

My parents and I were visiting my grandparents. My grandma had some Araucana hens (Araucana - Wikipedia) and I loved touching the colored eggs, so she took me with her to gather them. I caaaarrrefuly put them in the basket, and tried to avoid the chickens (they kind of freaked me out, honestly). When we left the pen and closed the gate, I was much happier with the outing and asked if I could carry the basket. She says ok, but I have to be careful and walk slowly.

This is what I remember: I started slow at first, but soon realized that I could handle the basket without falling or breaking the eggs. I saw my dad and my grandpa (papaw) standing on the other side of the yard and the sheer exhuberance of being away from those awful creatrues and wanting to share the neat eggs overcame me. I started running toward them and yelling:

“Papaw! Daddy! Papaw! Daddy! I got! I got! I got chicken balls! I got chicken balls!”

I was 15 before I realized why it was *that * funny.

The Cat Shit Story (4 years old)
My dad brought me home a stray kitten that he’d found at work. I loved that little thing like only a 4 year old can love a kitten. Of course, I’d only had experience with dogs, so I’d get very frustrated that kitty didn’t like to be petted and play like dogs did. My mom hated cats and didn’t have any experience with them, so she figured as long as neither of us were getting hurt that I’d figure it out. Our family dog had puppies that I’d happily played with and taken to their new homes, so I just tried to play with the kitty like I’d played with them. You can see the problem. One day I had it out in the backyard, trying to play with it, and it was NOT happy and kept wiggling down. I ended up holding the cat around its waist, unhappily getting scratched on my arms, while it meoowwed helplessly. Finally, it scrunched up all its muscles and crapped *all * down my shirt. I let go in surprise and the cat fled under the house.

My mom heard this from the kitchen, and looked out to find a sad, pudgy little 4 year old girl covered in crap.
Mom: “EEeeeeeew! You’re *covered * in cat shit!”
Me: “I’m sorry! I was just giving her a hug!”
Mom, stripping off my clothes: “You can’t hug cats! Eeeeww! Let’s get you in the tub.”

Took my dad hours to coax the poor thing from under the house that evening. It was given to a neighbor soon after.

When I was an undergrad, I performed in a production of The Yeomen of the Guard. It’s Gilbert and Sullivan’s only tragicomedy. The lead character is a jester named Jack Point. Our Jack was delighted to have achieved his dream role, and I doubt any Point ever worked harder. He and his (real life) wife constructed an amazingly detailed and colorful Jester costume for him and also made him a stick with a little Jester head on it with a little jester cap that matched his cap. Also, he could really juggle. His most difficult solo number he rehearsed endlessly so that he could patter it while juggling, and most impressive (to me) he tossed his balls at the end so that one ball struck the ground in time with the last three beats of the song.

The other important thing to know about the character of Jack Point is that his love marries another man and abandons him, so Jack falls down at the end of the show. Typically this is interpreted as his death, although some endings make it clear that he is not dead and others leave it ambiguous.

Our (wonderful) director had worked with Point and together they decided that his would be a true death. Our actor was a young and healthy man; a death from heart failure made no sense. So after his love and partner abandoned him and as the chorus swelled, our Point would pull out a knife and stab himself, falling just before the lights went down. Our director said that artistically she preferred not to have bows in order to preserve the stunned silence following the death, but she just couldn’t do that sort of thing to the hardworking cast. So our production was to have suicide, blackout, then bows.

Due to scheduling difficulties, our final performance was a matinee. I dislike closing on a matinee; the energy is very different than an evening show. But so it was, and we dealt with it. The other thing that we failed to consider was that people bring their kids to matinees. Lots and lots of kids. Well heck, it’s Gilbert and Sullivan, and Gilbert and Sullivan are funny, right? The production had been somehow oversold, so the producer decided that kids would get to sit on the floor in front, leaving the actual seats for the less limber ticket holders.

The kids were a fantastic audience and they loved Jack Point best of all! They loved his colorful costume, they loved his cap, they loved his stick, they loved his songs, they howled with laughter at his terrible jokes even though I don’t think they got most of them. Despite the matinee, and probably because of the double row of fans right at the base of the stage, the performance was wonderful.

During the emotional final number, they watched solemnly as Jack pleaded with his love. Rejected, he began to rock back and forth laughing wildly. As he pulled out his knife, some of the children gasped audibly. At least one shouted a warning. Jack stabbed himself and fell, the lights went down, and the last thing I saw from the stage was a double row of huge-eyed white little faces.

Well, the lights came back up and the chorus began to appear for bows. The audience clapped, and the kids perked up, but as more and more actors came onstage without a sign of Jack, they became tenser and tenser. And then, the very last castmember, Jack leapt onto the stage brandishing his stick. There was a yell of delight and joy and true relief from the kids on the floor. They screamed and laughed and clapped.

I think, and I mean this in a truly reverent sense, I think I saw a little of what the disciples must have felt on the first Easter.

Vicarious thrills department…my salute to a really good teacher I once worked with.

Dwight. He taught special ed and was maybe 50 when I worked with him. He helped various kids (not just SpEd) get jobs at local supermarkets etc. I remember one day walking down the hall with Dwight and a kid came up, wanting to know if he had the job or not.

“I heard what happened in Mr. Johnson’s class last week. When you act like that, who looks like the fool, you or the teacher? [zero pause for the kid to respond] That’s right, you! And you think I’m going to recommend you for a job? Boy, I don’t know.” This kid…just…melted…right in front of us. LMAO! Dwight steamrolled kids before they could even protest.

Dwight didn’t settle for calling the parents, either. In fact, many parents didn’t have phones. The kids knew it would be hard for us to contact them so they often acted up more than they should. That didn’t stop Dwight. He’d tell the kids, “I’ll have to come talk to your house and talk to your parents if you keep that up!” They’d reply, cryptically, that it wouldn’t be a good idea.

So he’d drive over there, knock on the door. Uh, some of the parents were drug dealers (or users) or involved in other unsavory things. They were NOT happy to see him. He didn’t get the hint, either, and I guess he would patiently explain, like he had all the time in the world. After one visit, that kid NEVER misbehaved again.

I can’t decide if he was naive and had a guardian angel or if the exterior wide-eyed boyishness didn’t match the interior. Or maybe he was just nuts. IIRC it was my last year at that school and we came back after summer vacation that I heard of his misfortune. One day that summer, Dwight came home to find his house’s front door broken and wide open. He correctly guessed that burglars had visited. He charged in and oops, they were charging out—they stabbed him.

He survived. In fact, like that old LIFE photo of LBJ, he was going around showing everyone the scar on his belly. As far as I could tell, he was business as usual. What a guy!

One time, I had the money to travel frivolously, and was exploring DC. On the eastern side of the White House, there is (was?) a pedestrian available street, which gets you as physically close to the building itself as you’re gonna get, short of arranging to take a tour.
So I was walking north, towards Pennsylvania Avenue, and in a gap in the brick wall surrounding the property, were four young men in very nice suits and ties. Wrassling like a pile of happy puppies. Now, an important point here is how I look: bad. Long-haired hippy freak. Unshaven for weeks. Less than 100% sober. With a backpack. Within easy throwing distance of a place that has seen its share of armed attacks.

Anyone ever see that National Geographic footage of meerkats? Those groundhog-like African critters? There’s a scene where they’re enjoying life, then SUDDENLY they jump STRAIGHT up on their hind paws, their front paws extended, standing surprisingly tall, staring intently at something out of the frame, something that just made a noise…

Those Secret Service guys looked like that. Perfectly. Flawlessly. Really, you HAD to see this to believe it.

For my part, I realized the impression I was making…and realized I was about to make it worse. BUSTUP laughing; I mean, you can’t pay to see a show like that.

No, I did not get arrested that day. Though I’m sure the bum walking by, making those choking noises you make when you’re stifling Major Hilarity, made just as much of an impression on them as they did on me.

I’ve always preferred to leave that part to the imagination.

Sampiro’s full-service hotel story reminds me of one my college roommate used to tell on herself. A couple years before I met her she was participating in one of those stupid drinking games; I can’t recall the name but it’s sort of like Bullshit (do college students still play that game?) Anyway, each player assigns him- or herself a motion of some sort, rather than a hard-to-pronounce animal. You make your motion, then that of another player; if someone messes up they drink. Game becomes harder as everyone gets progressively drunker.

So, my friend keeps picking this one guy’s gesture, which she finds hilarious. In addition to doing the motions, she continually sings out, “Roll those dice, baby!”

That’s what she thought he was imitating, ya see, with that back and forth movement in front of his lap …

I don’t know how long they let her going on thinking that! All night probably!