Things you shouldn't say -- things you shouldn't even think.

A few nights ago on the news, I saw a story about a “miracle toddler”. He had wandered outside into a blizzard and was found alive some 24 hours later, even though he was only wearing a diaper. The report said that the doctors think he suffered no brain damage. The thought flashed through my mind - “except for the damage he already had that made him walk outside into a blizzard in his undies.”
I admit it, I’m into gallows humor.
The worst, most reprehensible, funniest incident I can recall was a few years ago when I was visiting two friends. We were hanging out in the living room when we got a phone call - the husband of a woman who had dated all three of us at different times had suddenly died. After a few minutes of shocked silence, Rob turned, and without batting an eye, said, “Well, I guess she’s available.” I threw a pillow at him – because I had thought of that first.

I’m sure I’m not alone. Spill your deeply digusting, completely inappropriate jokes here.


Years ago in my correction center days, there was a serious incident with one of our former people. He’d ‘escaped’ (ie walked away) from the correction center, and this at a time when they didn’t really chase after them, just waited til they got caught doing something else.

He got into an argument with his girlfriend, she called the cops and then there was a stand off with the SWAT team outside the trailer park, him at the trailer shaking a shot gun every now and then etc. Well, the SWAT team killed him. And for days, weeks, every day in the newspapers, more about the story, and they always, always referred to him as (names changed) “Frederick, ‘Freddie’ Minola, former New Changes Center resident”. over and over again.

Fast forward a few weeks, big luncheon with all the big wigs from my company, the Director, President of the Board etc. The President of the Board says to the Director, “have you come up with ideas for new funding?” I lean over to my supervisor and suggest whispering, "how about the “Frederick, ‘Freddie’ Minola Memorial Bake Sale”?

She laughed loudly enough that everybody looked over, then repeated my comment. One (and there’s always one in the crowd) said “that’s not funny, that’s sick”.

yea, I feel your pain Sua. That’s why we make such a great team { :smiley: }

Oh, god, you two - I would share some stories but there are too many to remember. This basically IS my sense of humor.

Know any good Earnhardt jokes?

[sub]That’s sick…[/sub]

I don’t think I could be offended. I have a deformed pinky tip that was caught in a door when I was about 3 years old (my first memory was waiting what seemed forever for someone to help me get the pinkie out.) Anyway, this pinkie is the butt of many a joke from me and my friends. I guess, since I don’t mind poking fun at myself, I flippantly poke fun of things I see on TV, no matter how serious. Never would I do this to someone’s face, mind you. I’ve cracked jokes during shows or segments about conjoined (Siamese) twins and little people (midgets) just to try to offend my wife. I can’t think of specific comments or I’d share them.

SuaSponte said:

I’d wondered the same thing.

I was at a party and we had smoked quite a lot and got the munchies. So we nibbled on some cookies and a friend of mine noticed the crumbs on the ground. “And that while kids in 3rd world countries are starving”.
“Well, just send the carpet over then”. I answered.
I know… a terrible remark.

Actually I am well known for my blunt replies, cause I hardly ever can hold myself back from saying that kind of thing. If things are too serious for me, I just joke about them - people who dont know me find that disgusting.
:slight_smile: But they get used to it…


… my boyfriend always looks pretty surprised when I say something warped about friends. He seems to be afraid I ll say something like it when saied persons are around.
It s pretty annoying when everybody thinks you have no tact.

A friend (Bulimic Claudia) and I have the same warped humour, so back when I was a cutter our conversations went somewhat like this:

In the supermarket:
Me: So… what ya gonna throw up today?

Before I went on a holiday:
She: Will you carve me a greeting card?
Me: Sure - I ll send the photo of the scars over.

I crack tons of jokes on mental illnesses, eating disorders,… that kind of thing, asthma jokes, allergic reaction jokes, far-distance-relationship jokes, failing in school,…

I try not to crack jokes about things I havent been through. The 3rd world one was kind of an exception.

dodgy again

When John Lennon was shot, my instant reaction was, “So much for the Beatles getting back together.”

When President Reagan and his press secretary, James Brady, were shot, one network prematurely announced Brady’s death. When they had to backtrack later (he’s still alive), all I could think of was Python’s ‘I’m not dead…I think I could pull through, sir’, etc. from Holy Grail.

My sister and I once pulled off a double. My dad came home from a Detroit Pistons game and said “I saw Stevie Wonder at the basketball game”. At the exact same instant:

Me: But he didn’t see you.
My Sister: Why did HE bother going to a basketball game.

We still reference that comedic moment.

Once my then girlfriend was talking to me about her dad. She complained how bad he smelled when he came home from work. I responded with ‘You should smell my dad.’

Of course my dad had been dead for about 2 years at the time.

After Phil Hartman died, the first thing I thought was, “Oh no! No more Lionel Hutz or Troy McClure!”

Argh…I’d tell a story if I could remember details for any of them. But this is my sense of humor…my friends’ sense of humor…we can be awful. People refuse to watch movies with us. ::grin::

Back when I first met Mr. Scarlett, he and I were watching a TV movie about Karen Carpenter with my goody-two-shoes roommate. Early in the movie there was a scene where the teenage Karen was just starting to obsess about her appearance; it was just before a performance. When she went out on stage in her frilly little dress, there were whistles and shouts from the audience: “Karen, I love you!” Mr. Scarlett had his own catcall:

“Karen, you look fat!”

My roommate got really mad. We still laugh about that one, especially when they rerun the movie from time to time.

About 3 years ago I got rear-ended by this lady without insurance.

After trying to get the money from her to fix the car for a couple of months, I finally gave up.

About a week later a coworker shows me the paper. Turns out she got killed in a fight with her live in boyfriend.

Now, I know it’s terrible and horrible, and I never would have wished it, but…
I smiled when I read it.

Remember when those high school football players on Long Island copied that movie “The Program” and laid down in the middle of the street? Well they got killed.

That week I was at lunch with a group of co-workers. What I said stopped all conversation at the table, which then broke up laughing (although I only meant for the person sitting next to me to hear it):

“A bunch of football players lie down in the street and get killed? WHERE’S THE PROBLEM?!”

The way I saw it, Darwin was just doing his job.

You guys are so bad! I love it. I’m guilty of this, too. I can’t think of any right now (who didn’t know that?!), BUT, we have a friend who has a deformed hand. We call him Nub.

About 10 years ago, a friend’s abusive, menacing, etc., boyfriend shot himself.

Me: “It’s probably for the best. She needed him like she needed a hole in the head.”

(My friends and I still occasionally ponder when we can tell the GF that joke. We are still of the opinion that it’s too soon.)

Dolores, I have a friend who’s a thalidomide baby - legs end mid-thigh, no hands. One night he was stoned to the gills, started laughing, and did a header off the bed. Since then, his nickname has been “Tumbleweed”.


What was the last thing that went through Princess Di’s head?

The dashboard.

Hell, I lived above a funeral home when I was little, peeps!

I am also guilty of a morbid sense of humor…most comments I try to keep to myself, but sadly, I let a few slip every now and then…much to the appall of others around me.

There’s a girl at my school who goes around in a motorized wheelchair…she’s not mentally handicapped at all. She has no legs at all (literally, not even thighs…) and only like, 3 fingers on each hand. She went on Maury Povich last year, and those who saw it said she came out walking on her hands. My friend made the comment that “she probably went on all pitiful, complaining that she has to get around like that in school and people kick her over and stuff.” (hilarity ensued) Immediatelly follwing, someone commented that she looked like a monkey when she came out like that.

Naturally, I immediately came up with the name “Congo the Invalid”

There have been several other unsavory jokes made about her between my friends and I, but I’m embarassed to share, despite the nature of the thread.

Oh, and I’m banned from movies with most of my friends due to my habit of MST3K-ing every movie, regardless of quality

My friend Doug has a knack for saying the incredibly tasteless thing that everyone is thinking (byt hating themselves for). He’s wonderful to have around.

My own personal example ain’t that great except it’s on the top of my mind just now. I have a friend who called off his engagement mere weeks before the wedding. It was an awful thing, everyone really liked his fiance and she was totally humiliated (not to mention furious with him). Well, it wasn’t long before he’d found someone new and got engaged again. The wedding is in a few months.

This was pretty much a quote when he told me: “Congratulations–but I think I’ll be waiting on getting the plane tickets.” I thought I was pushing the limits of good taste but could get away with it because he and I had been through so much together. Except apparently 90% of his friends cracked the same exact joke to his face. I guess it’s a measure of his teasability. I feel sorry for his fiancee, though–up until the “I do” all many of us will be thinking about is “Is this really gonna come off?” instead of “What a lovely bride she makes” or “Aren’t they great together?”