What's the most inappropriate joke or comment you've ever made?

I just thought of a pretty nasty one that I almost posted in another thread here. I’d share it now, but I’m feeling cowardly, and I’d rather read some of yours first to make me feel like less of an asshole.

Here’s a warm-up, just to get things rolling. It’s not even that inappropriate. A friend of mine, P, has had aspirations to “make it” as a director in Hollywood for several years. One day, we were discussing how an acquaintance of ours, D, had plans on moving to LA to work as an actor. I made some asshole comment, like, “Who the fuck thinks they’re gonna come out of a town like ours and become famous out in Hollywood?” I didn’t even realize that I was mocking P right in front of his face. Still feel sorry for that one.

:smack: :smack: :smack:

P is currently editing a show for Playboy, in case you’re curious. Hasn’t yet “made it”, but he’s definitely taking steps forward.

My first day at college, a stunning girl walked into the lecture hall carrying, instead of a stack of books or a book bag, one of those suitcases with the pull-out handle that are so popular with business travellers, and sat down right next to me. I tried to make small talk. What came out of my mouth was approximately, “What’s with the bag? You camping out in the quad?”

Turns out she had some kind of a painful bone condition.

(I did make it up to her later and we dated for a while, but goddamn if that was’t the nastiest [unintentional] thing I’ve ever said.)

I am in charge of writing a monthly project report. Every month for the past few months someon on our project has been killed and I have had to write an obituary in the report.

In June, no one was killed, but on the last day of the month one of our staffers was caught by a car bomb and nearly lost his leg. We were sitting around talking about it at dinner with some international and Iraqi staff and someone said he was glad the guy wasn’t killed and I said:

“Yeah, now I don’t have to write an effing obit this month.”

It was incredibly insensitive and I regretted it the minute I said it.

madmonk, I read the first paragraph of your post not realizing you were in Iraq. I had this vision of the most dangerous accounting firm in the world or something.

I once asked a blind guy, during some small talk, if he’d read any Vonnegut. :smack: He said he didn’t think they had any on tape at the library.

I was talking with some coworkers about college majors and the Communications major came up. I said “Isn’t that the really easy major that football players take to get a degree?” One of the guys said “I’m a communications major”. Turns out he used to play some college football too. :smack: I think he got over it though, since I’m his roomate now.

Every year parts of Southern Ohio flood due to melting snow (or rain maybe, but I think it’s snow). This happens every year. I was watching a newscast about the plight of the people living on the river banks there with some friends. I said “Are all southern Ohioans idiots? Why dont’ they move back a few hundred feet from the river?” One of my friends said "My relatives are from southern Ohio. Then the other friend said it. :smack:

My friend’s offhand joke takes the cake though.


On the way to an out of town gig, my old band got onto the topic of tattoos and who’s likely to get them. We talked about races, social classes, gender, hometowns etc. When we got to religions, one of the guys said “You don’t see a lot of Jews with tattoos.” another guy responded “Really? I thought they all had tattoos. Didn’t they all get barcodes or serial numbers during the war?” :eek: :eek: I guess it’s all fun and games until someone brings up the holocaust. We all told him that he was going to Hell for that. He agreed that he probably would.

Shows that the best pick-up lines are the most natural, and also provides further proof that women love bastards. :wink:

That beats this one:
Person: [holocaust joke]
Me: Hey, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
Person: What? Oh, shit. Sorry.
Me: Yeah, he fell out of a guard tower.

It wasn’t as funny as it was in my head at the time. It’s not all that funny now, either.

I might not have thought that was the most insensitive remark ever. Writing obits every month would be rather depressing, especially when they’re your associates.

But if you only didn’t want to write obituaries because you thought they were boring and tedious…well, then you’re a real bastard. :smiley:

I still feel like an asshole, so I’m not yet ready to share. I need to see something really offensive.

I was working in a bowling alley/coffe shop/bar/banquet hall in Valencia, California in the late 80’s. All of the kitchen staff was Hispanic.
I really got along good … liked all the staff … but in a fit of pique in the coffe shop one day I griped out loud about the “stupd Beaners” … only to look up and see the head Chef (originally from Mexico) drilling me with his brown eyes.

Ick. The only thing I could do was apologize and slink away.

I still feel badly about it.

Probably a little of both, that’s when were at our most insensitive isn’t it? When we don’t edit and say exactly what we think.

I’m intrigued Team of Scientists, so I’ll share another inappropriate remark from my drinking days:

This guy I used to work with at a bar/restaraunt while a bunch of us were doing some after work drinking and said his girlfriend had just posed for test photos for Playboy. You could tell he was really proud of this fact. I had a few in me, so I said “well I don’t have five bucks for the magazine, so can I look at her and jerk off now?” There was this just stunned silence…and then he hit me.

You’re not the only one :smiley:

A couple of weeks ago, I was chatting in a different department at work and the Head of Marketing came in. She was all dressed up like she had an interview or something so I said, ‘nice dress T’. She thanked me, I made some comment about how she’d coordinated all her jewellery as well, then there was a pause that needed to be filled.

‘I like the pearl necklace’, I said…

:smack: was exactly what her staff did…

A long-time friend of mine and his wife had been trying to get pregnant for a year. He e-mailed me that they were thinking about getting a dog, but weren’t sure if that was a good idea since they were still trying for a baby.

I wrote back something like:

My stepdad’s brother and sister-in-law had bad luck getting pregnant, so they adopted three Korean orphans over the course of a few years. Then she promptly got pregnant - with twins. So my advice is: get the dog. Better yet, get a Korean dog. Then your wife will get pregnant, and you can just eat the dog. It won’t mind.

I don’t even have an excuse for that one.

they got the dog, she got pregnant, and all of them - including the dog - are alive and well

Early in the June I turned 15, this girl I was seeing seemed upset all afternoon long, and I finally asked her what was bothering her. She said, “My parents are getting divorced.” My response, attempting to be witty, was “How lovely! A June divorce” at which she looked aghast at me, turned, and ran away, crying.

pseud – thus ending your dreams of becoming the next great “New Yorker” wit?

FWIW, I’m giggling like a maniac here.

No, I’m still making all sorts of tactless and heartless remarks on any and all occasions. Glad someone finally got a giggle out of that one,even if it is some four decades late.

You know, there’s nothing wrong with that. Blind people use the verb “to read” to describe what they do to books, Braille or on tape.

I’m bad at making small talk, which led to this little conversation while I was in Maryland:

Woman: So you’re from South Carolina?
Me: Yep.
Woman: SC was in the news sometime recently, wasn’t it? There was a murder at one of the universities…
Me: Oh, yeah. I can’t remember which one… Clemson?
Woman: Yes, that’s right.
Me: Yeah, well, they don’t have much to do out there.

I was trying to get a friend of mine to sign a petition. When she hesitated, I said “It’s just a signature. It’s not like we’re asking for your firstborn child.” THEN I remember that her first born son was the victim of a murder/suicide by his father.

She just left, totally nonplussed.

Does it count if you’re a kid?

I was about 8 or 9, and we were out with one of my parents’ friends, who I knew well (and had known since I was about four). I decided it was a great time to tell a joke.

“How do you get a one-armed Polack out of a tree? You wave!”

Being 9 or 10, I thought it was pretty damn funny.

Considering my parents’ friend only had one arm and was of Polish descent, my parents did NOT find it funny.

(He forgave me…he did actually find it funny that I’d forgotten he was missing an arm…)