What's the most inappropriate joke or comment you've ever made?

In My Humble Opinion
21

A few months ago I was eating dinner with some guys in my dorm. Another guy who lived with us was really nervous about his 16-year-old sister staying over for a few days. Earlier he announced very seriously that he wouldnt tolerate anyone putting the moves on her.

We were joking about different ways to persuade him to loosen her chain. Someone said, “man, in caveman times she would already be having babies by now.”

Someone else said, “man, in some parts of the world today she would already be having babies.”

I said, “yeah, man, if she were from Africa she’d have had an AIDS baby by now.”

It just slipped out. About half my friends found it hilarious, and the other half was offended. I was pretty offended myself and apologized for the audacity of the joke.

22

My first job when I was 16 was at a grocery store (who’s wasn’t?), and we had recently been receiving a lot of counterfeit hundred dollar bills, so every time someone used one we had to call a manger to check it out first.

So this elderly, snotty-looking woman uses one (for like five dollars worth of groceries, by the way) and I call a manager, who comes over and takes the bill in the back to check it out.

“What’s going on?”, she asks.

“Oh it’s nothing… people have been using fake bills lately so we just have to check it out.”

“Well that’s insulting. It wasn’t me who did it.”

My reply: “Well we’ll cross you off our list then”.

Now, keep in mind I absolutely, 100% thought she was joking about being insulted. Who gets insulted over that?!? She got really mad… she leaned really close to me and whispered, “If you say one more word to me, I’m calling the cops.” Give me a freaking break. :rolleyes:

You know, I thought I would feel bad when I started to write this, but actually I still think it’s funny. HA! Take that, cranky old lady!

23

About one year into my relationship with my SO, we broke up, and he subsequently began dating a guy named Cole. A few months later, after we got back together, the bombing of the USS Cole was breaking news on TV.

Me: Anything named Cole should be blown up.
My SO, ex-military man and current terrorism/Middle East analyst for the CIA: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

24

Not me, but a friend. Honestly.

One friend of ours was all sad because her dad had just been laid off. She’s one of these people who has always grown up with affluence and her family has always been a successful upper-class one, so she was upset and scared that her dad had lost his great job.

We were at my place watching movies, when the ice cream truck came by. We all ran out to buy ice cream. My friend with the laid-off dad didn’t want any.

So of course, as we were all sitting around eating ice cream while my friend sat there not eating ice cream, my other friend channeled that Eddy Murphy sketch at her: “You got no ice cream, you got no ice cream! You dad’s on welfare! You can’t afford it!”

It was only when she burst into tears and ran away that he realized how inappropriate it was.

I found it hilarious. And still do.

25

An old college friend of mine used to tease people who took a long time to eat/drink something by saying, “You’re nursing that thing like it’s your dying mother.”
So several years later I’m working with this girl whose mother is very ill and has been for some time. I was waiting for her to finish her sandwich so we could go to the cafeteria to get something to drink, and I say, “Damn, you’re nursing that thing like it’s your dying mo… shit.” She looked at me, and just went back to eating her sandwich. That still makes me curl up and die a little inside.

26

I came in with something I thought was inappropriate, but it’s very tame next to what I’ve read so far, so I won’t bother.
As mean as these are, I have to admit I laughed at all of them.

27

I’ve got nothing on most of you, but it’s all I can think of, so here goes:

I was a teenager flying from LA to Dallas and started up a conversation with a woman and her daughter (who happened to be attractive and right around my age). They were both really friendly and we were having a great conversation when they asked me where I was heading.

Me: “Oh, some little podunk town in north Texas called Denton.”

<pause>

Mother: “Actually, that’s where we’re from.”

:smack: :smack: :smack:

While both mother and daughter seemed to find it funny, I lost all nerve to try to get a phone number after that incident. In my defense, I’d never been to Denton before and only referred to it that way because the person I was going to visited used those same words. Ah well…

28

Well, I was just a kid, but it still makes me cringe…

I was very tactless, and it took me a long, long time to mature, think before I spoke, and stop being such a smartass. In the long run it has made me a kinder person, I think, but man, oh man, I had a long, hard youth because of this sort of thing. :smack:

I was about seven years old, and swimming in a tadpole-hole in the quarry with about a dozen other kids. An older girl was trying to teach me how to float, but I just couldn’t seem to get the hang of it. Later on, one of the kids’ grandfather came to pick us up with his ATV (we rode in a simple wooden trailer attached to the back that he used to haul farm stuff around). We all piled on the back and let the wind dry us off as we sped out of the pit.

As we were cruising along, we spoke to each other, but because of the speed we were going, the bumps, the creaking of the trailer, the ATV, and the wind making so much noise, we had to yell at each other to speak. The girl who was trying to teach me to float was teasing me about my not being able to, and I yelled back at her, taking the joking jabs in good humour with my own smartass remarks. At some point, one chubby girl, who was then a friend of mine, spoke up:

“I’ve never had any trouble being able to float!”

This little gem of mine quickly severed the friendship ties:

“That’s because FAT FLOATS!” I yelled triumphantly, thinking I had just unleashed the wittiest of retorts upon them all, and saying it even louder to ensure everyone heard my cleverness.

It just didn’t end well. :smack:

You know that extra weight I’ve been carrying around lately? Yeah. That’s karma.

And ice cream. But there’s some karma in there, too. Wee bit in the corner.

29

This weekend I saw Bryan Lee at The Thunderbird Cafe. Before the show, I saw a woman I know sitting at a corner table, talking with some friends. I had a tin of canine breath mints that a company had sent me samples of. I walked over and when she looked up, said, “hey, you gotta dog, right?”.

Her friends all looked at me in shock. She started to weep. Turns out she was sitting there being comforted by her friends because her 16 year old dog had died that day. Oooops.

30

That’s when you follow up with, “Well, it wouldn’t hurt you to try a couple of these yourself, dogbreath.”

I mean, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? :smiley:

31

My friend Tina has a very difficult son. She got married a year ago, and she and her new husband had been discussing whether or not to go through with a formal adoption, since his bio dad has never been in the picture, and he calls his stepdad “Dad.” We were discussing this one evening, after a few drinks. And my darling husband popped out with, “Adoption proceedings? For Joey? Oh really - who’s taking him?” :eek: :smiley:

Everyone laughed, except for Tina.

32

This is really bad because it was premeditated. I was about 22 or 23 and I wanted to use a joke I heard and thought was funny.
I went up to a friend who was very small breasted.
“Do you want to here a joke that is so funny it will make your breast fall off”
Short Pause
“Oh, I see you already heard it”.

Very bad and cruel joke. She was upset by it.

Jim

33

First guy is struggling to light a Cuban cigar.

Second Guy: Suck, don’t blow.

Me: Yeah, that whole “blow” thing is kind of misleading.

Fortunately, they were all drinking and I think I’m the only one who remembers it. :o

34

My dad passed away a few years ago after a fight with cancer. It was tough on the whole family, and the funeral was very emotional for us all. I live about three hours away, so by the time Ms Seenidog and I got home we were pretty ragged out, and generally felt like we had been dragged through the mud. (Just the drain, no family conflict or anything like that). We were just emotionally spent. We got home and in seconds the phone rang, I answered it, it was one of my wifes friends. She had not heard and asked “How is your dad doing?”,with genuine concern. I guess I just snapped and said “Yesterday he was dead. Today he is dead. I am fairly certain tomorrow he will still be dead. Medically speaking his situation has stabilized”. To this day I cannot face that woman without apologizing profusely.

Totally unrelated, My youngest son wanted to go to a concert in Milwaukee. He asked momma bear (Ms Seenidog) if he could go. She had reservations, and told him she would discuss it with me and get back to him. As he walked away he muttered “Great, the blind lady says “We’ll see”” Ms Seenidog is legally blind. He did get to go by the way, but only because his older brother wanted to go too. The youngest had just got his DL and Momma bear and I did not think his city driving skills were up to snuff yet.

35

Like Anastasaeon, I had one as a kid that I remember 30 years later and it still shames me. You see, my mother was an avid softball player and most nights, after I’d gotten home from school, would find us at various parks. Her on some team and me hooked up with whatever other children were to be found… making up games and running around like your usual heathens.

Anyway, this particular evening we decided to play baseball ourselves and subsequently divided up. Being the expert that I already was at that age, I felt entitled to telling everyone what to do. “You take that position.” “You’re not fast enough to be an outfielder.” “With your size, you’ll be cleanup hitter.” And on and on. Well, apparently my machinations were doing okay as we proceeded through an inning or so.

That is, until one girl wasn’t running fast enough after a ball.

So, my inner coach yelled at her to hurry up. No response or increase of speed. I hollered again, this time more impatiently. Still got the more of the same, but now I had the added benefit of a couple of stares from kids around me. Therefore, yanno, this just wasn’t gonna do.

I put both hands on hips (a la’ a little tea pot), screwed up my red face and bellowed (yeppers, I had one of those adorable little booming voices that love to shatter glass) while I stomped; “RUN! RUN!!! WHAZZURPROBLEMMMMMMM?? ARE YOU FREAKIN’ DEAF!??!!!” with much emphasis on the last word. :frowning:

Lo and behold, my message got across that time as her brother said from third, “Yeah, she is.” and started after her to take her back to their folks. You know, so she wouldn’t be subjected to such a mini-bitch. After that, I watched (from a distance) him explain what happened to his, I guess, dad and then her begin to cry. Poor, little girl should’ve kicked my ass.

Anyway, to this day, I always assume I never have all the information before I speak. I wish that knowledge would make me feel better. Instead, I somehow seem to work around it enough to continue to blunder.

36

Many years ago at a party, I drank way too much wine and started telling stupid sick jokes. I sure wish I hadn’t told this one:

Q: What’s the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
A: You can’t unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

After I told the joke, a woman burst into tears, and her husband shot me a glare that could melt stone. A friend whispered to me, “She gave birth to a stillborn child just last week.”

I said, to my eternal shame, “Did they send for the truck?”

37

I told a hairlip joke to a couple of guys not knowing one of them had a son with a speech impediment. When I found out I felt like crawling under a rock and hiding.

38

Me and a buddy have a habit of making the most inappropriate jokes as we can to each other, especially while drinking. It’s kind of like a contest.

One fine evening we’re in a bar, and I guess it was labor day, because the Jerry Lewis telethon was one. I say to my buddy (and I apologize in advance for this), “You know what’s the best part of molesting one of Jerry’s kids? He can’t run away!”

I say it real low, so only he can hear it. But my idiot friend think’s it really funny (we were drinking, remember) and he repeated it to the bartender, loud enough for many to hear. A buddy of ours who was drinking with us, got up and left, and he never spoke to us again.

39

I was in an A&P in NC in 1968. I needed to buy a new broom. While my wife went shopping for food, I went over to inspect the brooms. I think I had three choices. After looking them over and inspecting them very closely, I told her

“Hey! Look at this one! It looks like it was made by a blind person!”

She looked at a tag on the broom and told me to read it.

“Made by the Lighthouse for the blind.”

How could I not buy it after that?

40

Okay, I had a horrible speech impediment as a child, and I’m not seeing what was offensive or the connection with hairlips. :confused:

As for me, I think the most inappropriate thing I ever said was in art class one day when I made a joke about our teacher being such a colour-nazi. Turns out not only did she hear, but that she’s also Polish.

Whoops.