The Stones vs The Who slapdown! (kinda long)

Cafe Society
1

Recently I bought two “best ofs” by two British rock heavy-weights; The Rolling Stones & The Who. Up to now I’ve pretty much thought that both these bands were over-rated and I’ve never owned anything by either. But I thought, fair’s fair, these bands didn’t get to where they were by being useless, so let’s give them a try. With this in mind I bought The Rolling Stones’ “Forty Licks” and The Who’s “The Ultimate Collection”, double CDs that are the very latest in the collected works by both. I listened to them with a receptive ear, ready and willing to be converted. There I was, for the taking, a new recruit into the massed ranks of either the Mods or the Rockers. But wait! I read in both CD booklets that this band is, without a doubt, The Greatest Rock ‘n’ Roll Band In The World. That, I thought, sounds like a challenge. Only the greatest is good enough to me and it can’t be both of them.

So, here we have it; the ultimate face off. It’s The Stones vs The Who, track vs track, judged by an sceptical and unbiased listener. Each CD lines up, primed to see off the opposition. It’s unfair, undemocratic and just a bit nerdish, but which band really is The Greatest?

Track 1: Street Fighting Man vs Can’t Explain
Both bands are off their marks with a strong opener and early hit. Impossible to separate them at this point.
Score: 1:1

Track 2: Gimme Shelter vs Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere
Stones step into the lead with the not inconsiderable aid of a female backing singer, while Roger Daltry just sounds a bit squeaky.
Score: 2:1

Track 3: (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction vs My Generation
Another big gun from The Stones, but it’s a tune that amounts to not much more than a single riff. The Who’s counter with their seminal generational statement and steal this one by a head.
Score: 2:2

Track 4: The Last Time vs The Kids Are Alright
A weak interlude from both contestants. The Who’s contribution could be from any mid-60s combo, while the Stones still haven’t got the message that a single riff doesn’t make a tune. No scoring.
Score: 2:2

Track 5: Jumpin’ Jack Flash vs A Legal Matter
The Who slip badly with a so-so tune and letting Pete take the vocals, while The Stones deliver a sturdy slab of rock and their strongest performance of the contest so far.
Score: 3:2

Track 6: You Can’t Always Get What You Want vs Substitute
The contest heats up as the two contenders let loose with two of my favourite tracks. This is the very best of early Who, up against a bit of a rock opus from The Stones and the result is a hard fought draw.
Score: 4:3

Track 7: 19th Nervous Breakdown vs I’m A Boy
The Stones, frankly, steal a result with a below par performance as The Who take their eye off the ball and wander off in some twaddle about enforced cross-dressing.
Score: 5:3

Track 8: Under My Thumb vs Boris The Spider
The Stones follow up with another mediocre showing, yet still wipe the floor with The Who’s dumb novelty tune. Commentators fear for The Who’s sanity.
Score: 6:3

Track 9: Not Fade Away vs Happy Jack
Barely a track at all from The Stones, short and sweet, and marked down for being a cover version. Countered by a fair effort at pop from the Who with nice drum work from Moon. Honourable draw.
Score: 7:4

Track 10: Have You Seen Your Mother Baby vs Pictures Of Lily
The Stones seem to lose their way with a track that introduces horns but doesn’t seem to be much of anything. Meanwhile The Who forget to add a tune while, oo-er Mrs, getting a bitover-excited. Null points all round.
Score: 7:4

Track 11: Sympathy For The Devil vs I Can See For Miles
A plucky effort from The Who, but really without a chance up against The Stones’ mighty juggernaut. An indisputable rock classic, and stonking bass line.
Score: 8:4

Track 12: Mother’s Little Helper vs Call Me Lightning
The Who come over all 60s pop again, but with a twist, and sneak a result against The Stone’s tale of domestic drug abuse.
Score: 8:5

Track 13: She’s A Rainbow vs Magic Bus
The judges are spit over a contest between jaunty, hippy celebrations that dabble dangerously with the twee. It comes down whether you’re in a piano or acoustic piano mood. A point each is reckoned fairest to all and happy and peace vibes all round.
Score: 9:6

Track 14: Get Off My Cloud vs Pinball Wizard
OK, so the Pinball Wizard story is totally bollocks, but the rock opera still easily knocks an average effort from The Stones out the stadium.
Score: 9:7

Track 15: Wild Horses vs I’m Free
The Who demonstrate why rock operas are invariably lame, while Jagger gets mellow. Easy win for the Stones.
Score: 10:7

Track 16: Ruby Tuesday vs See Me Feel Me
An unconvincing attempt at being The Beatles from The Stones, but god help us, it’s still better than The Who who are still faffing on about blind pinball players.
Score: 11:7

Track 17: Paint It, Black vs The Seeker
No contest. Another legendary track from The Stones totally dwarfs a average submission from The Who.
Score: 12:7

Track 18: Honky Tonk Woman vs Summertime Blues
A strange live outing for The Who that appears totally out of place, and roundly spanked by The Stones’ homage to women of uncertain character.
Score: 13:7

Track 19: It’s All Over Now vs My Wife
Another cover version from The Stones. But on the other hand, The Who feel obliged to demonstrate why it’s a usual rule that you don’t let the bass player write the songs.
Score: 14:7

Track 20: Let’s Spend The Night Together vs Baba O’Reily
Finally The Who get their act back together and their efforts here are warmly received. The Stones are still churning classics here, but I’ve never liked this one, just a bit too repetitive. Perhaps controversially this round goes to The Who.
Score: 14:8

=================================================
Half time and the two teams retire for drink, drugs, groupies and court appearances. The Rolling Stones have a comfortable lead, but it could all change in the second half. They swap ends on re-taking the field.

Track 21: Bargain vs Start Me Up
Ouch. The Stones come out fighting and determined to finish this contest. The Who never see it coming with their forgettable contribution.
Score: 15:8

Track 22: Behind The Blue Eyes vs Brown Sugar
The Who are back on song, with a pretty good ballad, but The Stones still have more classics like this one to call upon. This looks like becoming a rout.
Score: 16:8

Track 23: Won’t Get Fooled Again vs Miss You
But no! Unfortunately The Stones also have irritating and monotonous fluff like this, coming close to deserving minus points. A total mis-match up against The Who at their very best.
Score: 16:9

Track 24: Let’s See Action vs Beast Of Burden
I suspect that what The Stones have here is “a grower”, but neither tracks make any real impression. Disappointing round and no scoring.
Score: 16:9

Track 25: Pure And Easy vs Don’t Stop
A middling track by The Stones, but fortunately for them The Who have gone all ‘concept’ again.
Score: 17:9

Track 26: Join Together vs Happy
A stirring sing-along from the Whosters makes the Stones reply all seem a bit, well, blah. Score for The Who.
Score: 17:10

Track 27: Long Live Rock vs Angie
Aaangie! Sorry Mick, you’re just being a whine. It’s there for the taking by The Who, but instead they submit a bone-headed, dull and formulaic rock anthem. Zeros.
Score: 17:10

Track 28: The Real Me vs You Got Me Rocking
A turgid period for both camps as inventiveness flags. Noisy but dull. More zeros.
Score: 17:10

Track 29: 5’15 vs Shattered
Oh dear, a tired, tired effort from The Stones barely worth a b-side release. The Who need only turn up to better this, but put in a stirring performance all the same.
**Score:17:11 **

Track 30: Love Reign O’er Me vs Fool To Cry
The Stones attempt bedroom music, and it doesn’t work by a long shot. Compared to this, The Who stick to what they know and produce another strong sub-rock-opera.
Score: 17:12

Track 31: Squeeze Box vs Love Is Strong
The Stones are bottoming out. Yet another dull, ordinary effort from them making it three in a row. Meanwhile The Who are a little bit country with a single entendre, just earning themselves a point.
Score: 17:13

Track 32: Who Are You vs Mixed Emotions
Enough! Another pointless, tuneless, pompous slab of nothing from The Stones. The Who can’t fail as they hit top gear with one of their best known hits.
Score: 17:14

Track 33: Sister Disco vs Keys To Your Love
At last there’s signs of The Stones pulling themselves together, but what’s going? They don’t sound like themselves at all. Still, as long as The Who get diverted into simply making bleepy noises they’ve got themselves a result.
Score: 18:14

Track 34: You Better You Bet vs Anyone Seen My Baby
A stroll for the The Who? You better, you better, you bet! The Stones are coming back into things strongly with another grower, but The Who’s last big hit is simply too strong a song for them.
Score: 18:15

Track 35: Don’t Let Go The Coat vs Stealing My Heart
What is The Who on about?? Who, indeed knows, but “The Coat” provides a sturdy defence to The Stones who, once again, fail to find a tune amongst all those chords.
Score: 18:16

Track 36: Another Tricky Day vs Tumbling Dice
Why can’t all Stones tracks be like Tumbling Dice? Another classic easily sees off an average performance from The Who.
Score: 19:16

Track 37: Eminence Front vs Undercover Of The Night
You always get the impression that “Undercover” is on the verge of something really good, but never quite finds it way there. “Eminence Front” meanders by comparison, but this track doesn’t need to go anywhere, it’s already there. A raising of their game from both sides and a point each.
Score: 20:17

Track 38: Emotional Rescue
Can the Stones take advantage as The Who call it a day, pack-up and go home? Is The Stones track better than nothing at all? Sadly, no. I hate this song. I hate when Jagger does falsetto. Minus a point for forcing me to listen to this.
Score: 19:17

**Track 39: It’s Only Rock ‘n’ Roll **
Another rock standard from The Stones. Not their best, but still worth a point for them.
Score: 20:17

Track 40: Losing My Touch
Richards is given a shot at singing in this laid back, mediocre, dad-rock, put-on-the-greatest-hits-to-get-the-buy-everything-fans ramble. Another minus points for a marketing rip off.
Score: 19:17

The referee steps in to call time and it’s a narrow win for The Rolling Stones! They are indeed The Greatest Rock ‘n’ Roll Band In The World. However, before they get too carried away, it has to be pointed out that when The Stones suck, they really suck in the most irritating ways possible. While a fair proportion of The Who’s output is unremarkable, they never manage to set my teeth on edge. Perhaps there’s a downside to being the Greatest.

Anyone else have a greatest hits face-off they’ d like to contribute?

2

Clap clap clap clap clap

I’m not a particular fan of either band, but I enjoyed that.

3

::joins in on Thudlow’s applause::
I love both bands and might slightly prefer The Who but no way can I get in the same league with Futile Gesture’s blow by blow post.
No Happy Jack (check out the drums)? No A Quick One While He’s Away?
And I still think that Gimme Shelter is arguably the best rock 'n roll song ever recorded.
But well done, Futile Gesture, it brought back some good sounds for me. :slight_smile:

4

Actually, what I’d like to see is somebody else’s take on Battle Hippie: Hawkwind (Space Ritual) vs. the Grateful Dead (album TBD).

I’d be too biased to give an honest review, since I’m a Hawkwind fanboy.

5

See Track 9. A close bout with “Not Fade Away” that produces a draw.

6

Oooh, I wanna try. Hope you don’t mind me doing it in your thread. I’m selecting two bands I liked early in their careers (in the 80s) who ended up turning into arena rock and sorely disappointing me. They both have two greatest hits albums out (for their early and late periods), so I’ll go off those. Ladies and gentlemen, I present U2 vs. R.E.M..

Track 1: Pride (In The Name of Love) vs. Radio Free Europe (Original Hib-Tone Single)

Two strong rock anthems from both camps. One’s about MLK, the other’s about who the hell knows? Both remind me of being 14. Impossible to decide. A draw.

**Score: 1:1

Track 2: New Year’s Day vs. Gardening At Night (Different Vocal Mix)**

Both more somber, reflective efforts. R.E.M.'s almost always better than U2 at somber and reflective, though, and “Gardening at Night” is actually not that somber, now that I think about it. Prize to the U.S.A.

**Score: 1:2

Track 3: With Or Without You vs. Talk About The Passion**

Ballads. U2’s, though, is atmospheric and builds to a climax/resolution, while R.E.M.'s just kind of plugs along on a fairly standard folk riff and goes nowhere, although it is notable for being one of the few songs on Murmur on which you could make out what Michael Stipe was mumbling about. Still, “With Or Without You” sounded fresh on (or off) Top 40 radio, and still would, whereas “Passion” is dangerously close to earnest singer/songwriter territory. Dublin scores.

**Score: 2:2

Track 4: I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For vs. So. Central Rain**

Both songs chug along pleasantly enough, both songs have lyrics that aim at deeper truths than they’re capable of delivering, both songs score a point.

**Score: 3:3

Track 5: Sunday Bloody Sunday vs. (Don’t Go Back To) Rockville**

To be honest, although these songs are seen as benchmarks in each band’s respective early output and are still performed live, I don’t really care much for either. But I have to give the nod to “Sunday”, if only because the guitars are louder, and also because “Rockville”'s one riff wears thin after a couple minutes.

**Score: 3:2

Track 6: Bad vs. Can’t Get There From Here**

I have to say that the album version of “Bad” doesn’t compare with the live version released on the Wide Awake In America EP, but it still has enough passion and tension/release to trump “Can’t Get There From Here”, which is merely a fun little goof of no consequence.

**Score: 4:2

Track 7: Where The Streets Have No Name vs. Driver 8**

Here’s a really interesting one. U2’s song swells and builds and contains probably the signature example of The Edge’s guitar style, as well as some of Bono’s least histrionic singing (and lyrics). But the R.E.M. song captures a mood perfectly - you can almost feel the wind from the train going by, and the melody grows on you in a major way. Another tie.

**Score: 5:3

Track 8: I Will Follow vs. Romance**

No contest. U2’s entry is the first great song they wrote, powerered by its clanging, undeniable two-chord riff, while R.E.M.'s is a compilation cut deemed unworthy of inclusion on a proper album (though it was used, I think, in the Bachelor Party soundtrack).

**Score: 6:3

Track 9: The Unforgettable Fire vs. Fall On Me**

Probably a controversial choice, but I’ve got to give R.E.M. the nod here. “Fall On Me” is the pinnacle of the band’s folk-rock songwriting, and the chorus, which uses the familiar early R.E.M. technique of having the lead and background vocalists singing completely different lines (a technique I’ve only ever noticed employed elsewhere in rock, and to similar effect, by Sleater-Kinney), kicks much ass. “Fire”, while a nice atmospheric keyboard piece, falters a bit with the romantic/impressionistic lyrics (probably not the best way to go for a song supposedly about Hiroshima) and doesn’t hold up after repeated listenings.

**Score: 6:4

Track 10: Sweetest Thing (The Single Mix) vs. The One I Love**

Both catchy, sure. Both overplayed, definitely. But I’m going with R.E.M. because of the darker lyrics and because I always liked the original B-side version of “Sweetest Thing”, without all the unnecessary strings and later-period Bono falsetto.

**Score: 6:5

Track 11: Desire vs. Finest Worksong (Mutual Drum Horn Mix)**

Why must compilations always include inferior remixes of songs that were fine on their own? If you’re a collector, buy the singles, and spare the general rock fan these table scraps. Scott Litt’s completely beside-the-point horn arrangement ruins “Worksong” the way his same horn arrangements almost ruined “Walking On Sunshine”. “Desire” is U2’s (first) attempt at Americana: basic guitar/bass/drums (and harmonica breaks), a Bo Diddley beat, and lyrics more preachy than a song called “Desire” need to be. Still, I like the way he screams “Oh sister!” and the “For love or money money money” bit. However, I’m going to cheat and judge this on R.E.M.'s original version of “Finest Worksong”, which would win, but since I’m cheating I’ll call it even.

**Score: 7:6

Track 12: When Love Comes To Town vs. It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)**

Even though the R.E.M. tune is played out, U2’s European attempt at blues (I guess that’s what they were aiming for; how else do you explain B.B. King’s contribution?) was played out the moment the first notes came out of my speakers, and I can’t imagine anybody who didn’t spray-paint “Clapton Is God” on a wall at some point would find this classic-rock shitfest a great song. Anyway, “It’s The End Of The World” is played out for a reason: because it’s a good fucking song and deserved airplay.

Score: 7:7

(I’m just going to jump to R.E.M.'s next album here even though U2’s isn’t finished. If it matters to anyone. Which it shouldn’t.)

Track 13: Angel Of Harlem vs. Man On The Moon

I hate to admit it, but I actually like “Angel Of Harlem”. It’s a nice, simple, catchy song, and it achieves its desired effect. And I didn’t care much for “Man on the Moon” when it first came out, though it’s grown on me. So it would be a tie, except that as these are both homages, I’m going to have base my final decision on my preference for the songs’ subjects. Sorry, I do love Billie Holiday, but Andy Kaufman is a seminal influence.

**Score: 7:8

Track 14: All I Want Is You vs. The Great Beyond**

“All I Want Is You” is a nice return to their European roots, and I love the guitar solo, though I could do without Van Dyke Parks’s interminable string arrangement at the end. “The Great Beyond” sounded overly innocuous and lacking teeth when I first heard it, but it’s not the clunker I first (mis)took it for. And once more, it’s about Andy Kaufman. To be fair, another tie.

**Score: 8:9

Track 15: Even Better Than The Real Thing vs. Bad Day**

Remember when Achtung Baby was about to be released, and Bono kept saying it was going to be their “techno” album? And how it was going to be more ironic and post-modern? Well, it was none of these things. This song’s attempted dance/rock hybrid should have shown them they shouldn’t attempt dance/rock hybrids (or dance/anything hybrids - no matter what the Irish may think, U2 doesn’t have it in them to work as a groove band). Of course, R.E.M. was saying their latest album was going to be a rock album, and it wasn’t - unless easy listening is your idea of “rock”. But at least this pre-album single was, even if it was just a re-write of “It’s The End Of The World”. So it gets my vote.

**Score: 8:10

Track 16: Mysterious Ways vs. What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?**

I don’t think U2’s going to do too hot from this point, with the 90s catalogue coming into play. Another “dance” number, although better than the previous entry (a margin that really doesn’t count for much, unless you have some kind of vested interest in my opinion of their relative worth. And really, it doesn’t count for much even if you do). R.E.M.'s song, by contrast, has loud, distorted guitars bouncing all over each other, which I’m an admitted sucker for. Plus, they cram all the ironic pop culture references U2 tried to earn some “alternative” credibility with on their Zoo TV tour(s) into one song.

**Score: 8:11

Track 17: Beautiful Day vs. All The Way To Reno (You’re Gonna Be A Star)**

I have to say, I’m also an admitted sucker for big crunchy anthems, and U2 got to me with this one, despite the way Bono does that grade-school lyrical cheat to rhyme “Someone you could lend…a hand”, which annoys me no end. A simple, catchy, dumb song with a (basically) happy message. “Reno” is a Pet Sounds-ish (really High Llamas-ish) summery mood piece that I enjoy just fine. But while the aesthete (read: music snob) in me knows I should give this one the prize, I’m gonna have to go with the big dumb anthem.

**Score: 9:11

Track 18: Electrical Storm (William Orbit Mix) vs. Losing My Religion**

I’m sure this will be considered sacrilege, but that should be expected given R.E.M.'s entry. When I first heard “Losing My Religion” on the radio, I thought it was cool that they released such a different-sounding (from the rest of Top 40 radio) song as a single, though I figured they didn’t have a chance with it making an impact. After hearing it for about the 47,000th time, I permanently filed it away (along with “Smells Like Teen Spirit”) under “Songs I never need to come into contact with for the rest of my life”. So I’m going with U2, though I couldn’t give a shit less about this particular song.

**Score: 10:11

Track 19: One vs. E-Bow The Letter**

Sacrilege again, maybe, but “One” gets the nod. Yeah, it’s the same as every other U2 Alterna-Ballad, and yeah, it was as overplayed as “Losing My Religion”, and yeah, “E-Bow The Letter” is a nice return to form and has a cool Patti Smith cameo and a nice “indie” feel. But it leaves me cold, and not in the way I bet it was supposed to. Besides, every band deserves recognition for at least one of their all-sound-the-same-Alterna-Ballads. Best to go with the prototype, I always reason.

**Score: 11:11

Track 20: Stay (Faraway, So Close!) vs. Orange Crush**

Another Alterna-Ballad, and R.E.M. trying to sound like early U2. No points.

**Score: 11:11

Track 21: Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of vs. Imitation Of Life**

Yet another U2 ballad, this one allegedly about the death of INXS singer Michael Hutchence. And yet, no mention of the fact that he died due to autoerotic asphyxiation - a mention which would have not only been the only interesting contribution to this song, but would have forced me to vote for it. Alas, U2 has no sense of humor, so now when I listen to The Replacements’s “Gary’s Got A Boner”, I pretend it’s about Michael Hutchence. Thus do I retain my sanity in a world gone mad.

**Score: 11:12

Track 22: Gone (New Mix) vs. Daysleeper**

I’m not even sure “Gone” is a song, because seconds after hearing it I can’t remember a single thing about it. So maybe it’s actually some kind of existential puzzle the band has invented so that listeneres may grow spiritually by meditating on its nothingness. I highly doubt it, though. “Daysleeper” isn’t great, but it is one of the only two listenable songs on ultra-crappy Up, so I’ll throw it a bone.

**Score: 11:13

Track 23: Until The End Of The World vs. Animal**

What is it with these two bands? Can you think of two other bands that have “The End Of The World” in their song titles? Lighten up, guys. You’re millionaires, right? Jesus. Anyway, I guess U2’s entry was seen as a return to the “classic” U2 sound on their mostly wannabe-electro sounding album, but it’s still boring as watching a pear rot. “Animal” has grown on me, but I’m not giving it any points either, just out of spite for releasing the insipid Around The Sun.

**Score: 11:13

Track 24: The Hands That Built America vs. The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite**

Nobody gets any points for being involved with Gangs of New York. Ditto for collaborating with Luciano Pavoratti. A Dr. Seuss reference is always welcome, however.

**Score: 11:14

Track 25: Discotheque (New Mix) vs. Stand**

Both dumb-ass songs, but at least R.E.M.'s was used as the theme to Get A Life, which was more a work of art than anything either of this bands has put out for a decade. I almost docked U2 for releasing a “new” mix that I couldn’t tell from the “old” mix, but I really don’t have that kind of time. No points.

**Score: 11:14

Track 26: Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me vs. Electrolite**

Similarly to track 24, nobody gets any points for being involved with the Batman movies, either, especially when it’s this kind of tepid dick rock. “Electrolite”, on the other hand, is probably the best thing R.E.M.'s done in a decade, despite Michael Stipe’s use of “Jimmy Dean” instead of James (fitting your lyrics to the meter can be a bitch. Just ask Bono, re: “Beautiful Day”). Harkens back to “Perfect Circle” from the first album, and easily trumps “Kill Me” (which is what I shorten it to, since that’s what I shriek whenever it comes on).

**Score: 11:15

Track 27: Staring At The Sun vs. All The Right Friends**

Did you ever hear the parable about the dog who was confronted with two bones and had no basis upon which to make a decision, so he starved to death? That story always makes me smile. No points.

**Score: 11:15

Track 28: Numb (New Mix) vs. Everybody Hurts**

These titles are models of truth in advertising. Still, gotta go with U2, who at least avoid the Phil Collins sappiness factor.

**Score: 12:15

Track 29: The First Time vs. At My Most Beautiful**

How to decide between two earnest ballads? Always vote for the one that sounds like Brian Wilson wrote it, and against the one that sounds like Bono wrote it.

**Score: 12: 16

Track 30: Nightswimming vs. October (uncredited bonus track on “The Best Of U2 1980-1990”)**

A clear example of how to write a piano ballad. R.E.M.'s is the best of their career, touching and exhilarating at the same time - and about skinny dipping, to boot, which is a damn hard feat to pull off. U2’s, OTOH, is a dirge about how October sucks. Even mentions leaves falling off trees. Ugh.

Final Score: 12:17

The boys from Athens beat the poo out of the boys from Dublin. Just like in WWII. History, as they say, does tend to repeat. Especially if you’re watching Bravo or VH1.

7

Does this mean REM go through to meet The Stones in the next round?

I can’t fault the result, but I think REM played a negative game and U2 tried too much for the glory shots while neglecting basic tactics. And the Unforgettable Fire vs. Fall On Me result was a travesty.

8

Awesome post Futile Gesture. I disagree with some of your votes, but I do agree that when the Stones are bad they’re awful. I think it’s why I’ve never considered myself a Stones fan even though I like a number of their songs. They just fall apart when they don’t have something great.

9

Freddie Garrity’s crew will be represented by the British Invasion meistersplat Do the “Freddie.” Mahler will be represented by the titanic Das Lied von der Erde in the 1952 recording by the Vienna Philharmonic under the baton of Bruno Walter, with Kathleen Ferrier and Julius Patzak as the vocal soloists.

Track 1: Do the Freddie vs. Das Trinklied vom Jammer der Erde
Mahler starts out strong with an ear-catching horn riff, but then this whole orchestra comes blaring in along with, like, an opera singer or something. Meanwhile, the English boys come on strong with their classic ode to geekaroonie spasticism. Freddie’s insanely chilling cackles puts into action what Mahler only hints at in the lines “Hört ihr, wie sein Heulen hinausgelt in den süssen Duft des Lebens!”
Score: 1-0

Track 2: She Belongs to You vs. Der Einsame im Herbst
Both artists mellow back a bit for their second offerings: Mahler sets a fog-shrouded mood with violins see-sawing up and down the scale and a yearning vocal line, while Freddie’s boys take a light folk-rock tack. Mahler’s classy offering just edges the British boys out.
Score: 1-1

Track 3: Over You vs. Von der Jugend
Freddie serves up a blatant Beatles imitation, while Gus goes all rooty-tooty with a jaunty ode to a “pavillion of green and white porcelain.” Huh? Let’s be charitable and call it a draw.
** Score: 2-2**

Track 4: Little Bitty Pretty One vs. Von der Schönheit
The Yardbirds and the Paramounts did ripping Britrock versions of this R&B chestnut, but Freddie’s wimpy exercise in doo-wop is sadly weak. Mahler starts out soft but kicks it up many notches with a stormy fortissimo section and the unlikely appearance of mandolin strumming in a symphonic setting. Bohemia 1, U.K. nothing.
** Score: 2-3**

Track 5: In My Baby’s Arms vs. Der Trunkene im Frühling
More Beatles copying from the Dreamers, but with the prescient inclusion of a jangly guitar intro that looks forward to what the Beatles would be sounding like a year later! Mahler’s got his tenor singing about boozing it up, which is always a good thing, but Freddie ties this one up.
** Score: 3-3**

Track 6: Things I’d Like to Say vs. Der Abschied
Freddie’s song is little more than filler, albeit with a tasty keyboard sound. Mahler’s effort, though–Jeezus Og! Talk about filler. This thing meanders on for like half an hour. Who’s got time to listen to all this? “Der Einsame im Herbst” said pretty much the same thing in a third of the time. Gotta go with the English lads.
** Score: 4-3**

Track 7: A Little You
Well, look’s like Mahler’s shot his wad with that bloated behemoth of a finale. Garrity picks up the slack with cool spaghetti-western galloping and even invades Mahler’s own turf by adding a string section. Insult to injury!
** Score: 5-3**

Track 8: A Love Like You
More Beatley stuff, a bit filler-ish, but unopposed.
** Score: 6-3**

Track 9: Silly Girl
A snappy twist number, with Freddie unleashing that bizarre howl before the guitar solo.
** Score: 7-3**

Track 10: Don’t Do That to Me
Awkward chord changes; sounds like Buddy Holly, Gerry & the Pacemakers, and the Beatles placed in a blender set on “chop.” But with Mahler still out of the game, there’s no choice but to award this round to the British contingent.
** Score: 8-3**

Track 11: Feel So Blue
urgent rock strumming, and a nice bluesy structure make up for a frankly rather feeble vocal contribution. And THERE’S THAT HOWL AGAIN!!!
** Score: 9-3**

Track 12: Just for You
Who told these guys to save the worst for last? I can’t believe they capped off such a great album with this stinker. Namby-pamby lyrics and a nursery rhyme melody that makes the Banana Splits sound like Metallica. No score.
** Score: 9-3**

Finally, Mahler gets docked a point for not having dance steps printed on the back of the album jacket like the Dreamers do. Freddie runs away with it!

Final score: 9-2

10

Well, I think we should have more bands duke it out before a big showdown. I was originally gonna do The Clash, using The Essential Clash, until I realized I didn’t know who they could reasonably be paired up against. Bruce Springsteen seemed the closest choice (The Sex Pistols weren’t really that similar, and besides, they only had one album), but that didn’t line up the way Stones/Who or R.E.M./U2 did. I leave it to you to pick the next two.

Yeah, I figured that was bound to lead to heartache. But they would’ve lost even if I’d given it to them.
Speaking of travesties, I have to disagree with you on Pictures of Lily. Great song. And I’ve always thought Sympathy for the Devil was their worst 60s single, but it’s not a position I’d really fight over.

11

Futile - brilliantly done - bravo. I take issue with a few choices, but well-judged all 'round. And the conclusion is solid.

wsbbird - well, sometimes you have to agree to disagree. I find some of your conclusions directly contrary to mine. For instance, I see Achtung Baby as one of U2’s top 2 - 3 CD’s, with Even Better, Mysterious Ways and the transcendent One completely blowing away anything R.E.M. has ever done or might be capable of doing. I am not a big U2 fan, but songs like that put them in the pantheon of the rock gods, whereas R.E.M. are a strong, enduring band, at best. R.E.M. is so much more “of their time” whereas U2 are timeless. Again, not a big fan here, but I try to call 'em as I see 'em…

Biffy - could that be more hilarious? Thank you.

12

Well, I kinda disagree with you there (obviously). U2’s pretty “of their time”, too. In fact, there are quite a few R.E.M. songs that could have come out in the 60s and mixed in with everything else, whereas damn near everything U2’s recorded couldn’t have come out before punk. I agree their songs are more “universal”, but to me that just comes off as “generic”.

I think a lot of it, too, has to do with the age you were when you first heard the music. In your more formative music appreciation years (teens-early 20s) the stuff you like pretty much has a stronger impact on you than it would have later in life. I was already in my 20s when Achtung Baby came out, and while I liked it OK, it didn’t hit me the way their earlier stuff did.

13

Bravo Biffy. A bit of a shock result there for Gustav, I have to say I was surprised he fielded a rather over-aged team. When you’re placing so much of your expectations on named soloist, you really need them to stamp their authority on the contest and I never got the feeling they were delivering to their full ability.

But while Freddie may have romped away with this contest, he’s still very much in the lightweight division. He should count himself lucky here and not push his luck up against many others.