The story of a former junkie -- where I acknowledge how lucky I am (novel length!!!!)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I figured responding to your post would be natural, in that my previous post was an impetus for your new thread.

and

I’m assuming you are young Ms. Lapin. I could be wrong. However, I’d like to put on my rehab counselor hat for a moment. The two sentences I quoted above, the one about getting ‘in and out of’ the lifestyle so quickly, and the one about will power - need to be addressed. Before addressing these first of all let me say that yes, I responded out of genuine concern and compassion, not a lecture. I don’t lecture people about substance abuse, lecturing doesn’t work. Unfortunately, brushes with the law and stints in the hospital don’t work either.

You are not habitually using heroine or opiates anymore. However, your chronicle of behavior [yes I read every word as well] would indicate you have a tendency for self medicating. I’ve known young people who have followed the same path from zero to 120 mph as well. Going from Perks to Oxy to Heroine very quickly. I don’t know any of them that given time have not relapsed. I hope I have met one here in you, but time is something we all have. In the industry we call these statements like “I went in and out of the lifestyle so quickly” the Yets. It means that after you have been addicted to Heroine, alcohol, coke etc…etc…you need to be ever vigilent not for a few months, but for the rest of your life. You have no idea what boyfriend will break your heart again, or whose heart you might break that could send you into a depression or anxiety fit where Oxy, Perks, or Heroine will be the only way out, again.

This is why people who abuse drugs need to stay away from all manner of their past addictive monkey, because he is always sitting on your back. Cunning, baffling, and patient is what they call him. He can wait for years.

I would have never recommended you take Oxycodone again even if prescribed by a doctor, was the doctor fully disclosed of your past?

Again, it’s out of compassion for people in recovery and for people addicted to anything that I post what I do. I pm’d you BTW.

Please be safe
~P

22

Boy, this makes sense. I’d add that you do not have a constitutional right to feel good. This is important, because what seems to be a major contributor to your past drug use is the desire to “feeling good” - you used the term “euphoria”. You must realize that sometimes in life you must feel bad. When you break up with someone after a long-term relationship you are SUPPOSED to hurt. Trying to avoid such periods in your life will be your doom. When something bad happens (loss, break-ups, etc.) allow yourself the luxury of feeling bad. Because , after a time, you will feel better, and that “better” will be permanent. Using drugs to feel better is temporary, and just increases the scope of your problems.

23

Damn, man, that´s an interesting story, and you got out of it quite fine.

I can also relate with you to an extent. Although lucky for me I did´nt get hooked on Heroin, I did have a substance abuse problem in general. Namely Alcohol, Cocaine and ecstacy.

One particularly bad expirience was when I took 3 X pills and smoked some pot and my heart was racing, for the better part of 3 1/2 hours!

This was so bad then when my heart started racing, I *could not *get up, I just sat in front of the toilent just thinking “Great man, you´ve just fucked up your life, good going!”

After about an hour and a couple of minutes of sitting down my friend was freaking out, he wanted to take me to the hospital and all that. I (very stupid-ly) decided against that because I did not want my parents to figure out my Drug problems, and since they did´nt live in the States I just did´nt want that.

However, I realized that he was going to continue freaking out so I gathered some monster strength and manged to walk to the car and go to my University dorm. I must also confess that breathing was a big problem as well, I had to breathe very deeply to get oxygen, simialar to the feeling one gets after a fast sprint.

One Inside my dorm room, my heart continued pounding for 2 hours, but I sat in front of the AC to get some cool air. It only alleviated the heart and breathing problems I had a tiny bit.

A just decided that I was going to give up, I layed on my bed and thought to myself, “If I die tonight, you deserved it you idiot”. And I just layed there until very **slooowly **my hearts pace started to become less and less intense. I just passed out I guess, and woke up the next morning feeling a very lucky man.

I have a few more simialar stories which I might, or might not share.

But safe to say that besides my idiocy of experimenting with hard drugs, I payed the price of getting Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety because of this. My parents ended up finding out about all my drug use, but I went to therapists and I happy to report I am doing much better. Not 100% quite yet, but much better indeed.

It seems some of us only learn once we get severely burned.

24

Thank you for sharing that. I’m a recovering addict/alcoholic who has also had some near death brushes via ODing. I used for just over 20 years, and have been clean/sober for 2 1/2 yrs as of this past Monday.

I’m not a counselor or professional in that field, just another clean junkie who can relate to everything you shared. Heroin wasn’t my personal poison, but like you- my drugs led me to dehumanizing lows, and doing things I swore I never would.

My road to recovery (still travelling) is/was different than yours, and that’s cool- I support anyone who is working to honestly turn their life around for the better, so I won’t lecture you about going to meetings or anything like that.

The only thing I would beg of you is to be honest with yourself. If you start feeling the temptation to medicate yourself, if you know stress is mounting on you and you don’t have the (non-pharmaceutical) tools to cope at that time, if you find yourself increasingly using ‘softer’ drugs like alcohol and marijuana as a substitute, etc. etc.- please be honest enough with yourself to recognize the warning signs and don’t let foolish pride stop you from getting some kind of help.

I hope that didn’t sound patronizing or preachy! Just trying to share a little hard-won personal experience. Being honest with yourself is a good policy for everyone, but it can additionally be a matter of self-survival for (ex-)junkies like us.

25

And had you gone to a pricey residential center like Hazelden, that is very likely what you would have worked on - the ability to feel bad - to face your emotions and cope - in healthy ways. If you don’t have that toolkit - work to get it - call United Way and get a free or sliding scale counselor that will help you develop a toolkit. Or work to get one by yourself (I like that idea better because you can find something that works for you - it might be religion or exercise or meditation or journaling or art or … but some people like working with a counselor). Make sure the counselor knows you are there SPECIFICALLY to develop the tool kit that will allow you to say “life is shitty, I’m going out for a walk (going to pick up a paint brush, going to write it out)”

My sister is a recovering alcoholic who self medicated her way through an abusive relationship - and then self medicated every stressful thing in life afterwards until she almost killed herself.

26

Just wondering how Br’er is doing?

27

Nobody you’d recognize. I had another account between early 2000 and whenever it says that I made this one; I think I had something like 150 posts. I was going through some stuff at the time and wanted to make a “fresh start” in every aspect of my life I could. Tuba was kind enough to disable my old account and allow me to start over with this one.

The prescription I received for Oxycodone in July was one I got in the ER after a very bad car accident. No, the doctor wasn’t aware of my history, but I felt that I had reached the point where I was able to responsibly handle the 10 5mg pills they gave me. I was correct. However, when it became clear that I needed some time of long-term pain maintenance, my regular doctor (who was aware of my history) and I both agreed that I should be given something non-narcotic to avoid falling down again. I’m now on tramadol. Tramadol is, from what I understand, a “pseudo-opiate” that doesn’t produce a high. Actually, I think it gives some kind of “high” if taken in very large dosages, but I have absolutely no interest in trying it out.

I am very, very happy to say that my anxiety is completely under control. I’m now on lexapro, which kills my anxiety almost completely, and 1mg ativan as a backup, taken only well I feel I really need it.

I appreciate everyone who took the time to reply with well-wishes, especially those who also shared their stories with me.

As to everyone who has offered advice – yes, I understand that I am only recovering and will never be fully recovered/ Once you’re an addict, you will always be an addict, even if you’ve been clean for 30 years. I’ll admit I’m a bit stubborn in my desire to handle everything by myself. So far, I’ve been able to do so, but you have my word that if I ever fear I’m in danger of losing control again, I will swallow my pride and seek out help.

Anaamika – I am absolutely, truly blessed with the father I was given. I cry sometimes just thinking about all he’s done for me, and because I know there isn’t a single thing he wouldn’t do for me. I actually haven’t seen him in a few weeks – I think I’ll go visit tomorrow and give him that hug for you.

RoOsh – I took the suboxone twice daily at first, then once daily, then only when I felt really strong cravings. I was on it for about three weeks, maybe a little longer.