My boyfriend is on drugs (may be long, rambling)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have no experience dealing with this. I’m going to make an appointment with my therapist and an addiction counselor next week so I can hopefully gain some perspective.

Preface, he did a stint in rehab a few years ago, before I knew him. Part of what attracted me to him was that he seemed to take his horrible situation and turn it into something positive, going back to school, trying to get a good job, etc.

He didn’t come home til 3am the other night, because he “went to a movie.” I was on the computer later and saw stuff like “buy heroin” and “needle exchange” in the browser history. Naturally I freaked the fu*k out. I looked through his desk and found needles, spoons, razor blades, empty nitrous containers…

I confronted him-- probably rather poorly-- and he wouldn’t admit to anything. I told him I didn’t want him living with me if he was using, and so he basically just said “Ok, I’ll get my things.” I’m sure I was ANGRY-- I barely even remember what I said-- but he didn’t argue at all. He just said ok and he left.

Let me just say that I -knew- something had changed, and we talked about it a few weeks ago. I told him I felt that he was becoming more and more distant, he was tired all the time, had random medical issues (headache, numbness, nausea), etc. He said I worried about him too much and I shouldn’t worry. Isn’t that what partners do??? Neither of us is a master of communication, but I was making an effort…

He came back to get some stuff yesterday. I was much more calm and we talked about this some more. I asked him to tell me what was going on with him, and he wouldn’t answer. He said stuff like “I don’t know what difference it makes” and “You wouldn’t believe me anyway.” Finally, the only semi-confirmation I got was (this is a quote, because it is now emblazoned in my memory) “I may be getting into some stuff that is not good for me, but it’s under control.”

I don’t know if kicking him out was the right thing to do, I feel pretty guilty about the way I handled it. But if he doesn’t even think there’s a problem, was there a better option? Would this escalate? Would he hurt someone (besides himself) or steal?

He said he never once lied to me, which may be true. But I also never thought to ask him if he was dabbling in heroin.

I am well and truly heartbroken. When he was sober, he was a wonderful boyfriend. We had our issues like all couples do, but I’ve never been happier. And now, nothing.

2

It’s under control- many people have said that.

I can’t see that there is much else you could have done.

3

I’m sorry to hear about this, amaguri, but you did the right thing. Living with an addict who is still using is a horrible thing (I’ve had a couple of girlfriends who were alcoholics). Don’t doubt your actions for a second; you do not want your life to go down this path. Addicts will, if you let them, drag you down and thru the gutter.

4

[nonmod]Hang in there amaguri – and don’t take him back. He loves drugs more than he loves you.[/nonmod]

[mod]Threads about substance abuse issues, medical issues, psychological issues, with or without anecdotes about any or all of the above, and/or advice for dealing with any or all of the above, go in IMHO, so I shall move this from MPSIMS to IMHO for you.[/mod]

5

You have EVERYTHING going for you now, hon. If he’d stuck around, rest assured you’d have ended up with nothing. Addicts will bleed you dry.

Let him go and don’t ever look back. You might want to consider changing the locks, too.

6

I’ve had my share of alcoholic girlfriends. You think you can help them; you think you can change them. You think it’s part of being a loyal partner to stand by them in their time of need. Believe me, you can’t, and it isn’t. They will get better on their own, or they won’t. The best thing you can do for both of you is to kick them to the curb. Good luck and be strong.

7

I’m sorry you’re hurting. Even when we know we have to, it is hard to walk away sometimes, but I agree you did the only thing you could do. I hope he will be ok too.

:frowning:

8

Thanks to everyone so far for your comments. Logically I am confident I did the right thing, maybe not in the right way, but the end result is the same.

It’s so fresh and painful right now, it’s making me doubt things that I should never doubt. I know I’ll be fine eventually but, jesus, this sucks.

9

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been through the same issue and it is hell to deal with. I know you’re hurting right now but you absolutely did the right thing. Stand firm and don’t deal with him while he’s actively using, and you may consider this to be a deal breaker for your relationship depending on how this plays out.

How long have you been together?

My daughter was an addict and she went downhill surprisingly fast. Heroin is no joke - it’s about as hard core as you can get. We noticed the same changes you no doubt have and were naive enough not to know what it was until things got pretty bad. It’s almost like her personality was crowded into a corner and H moved in and set up shop. She (and a junkie friend) went through our house for weeks while my DH, son and I were at work and school and stole all of my jewelry, my GPS, a flat screen computer monitor, the camera, her little brother’s video games, any cash they could find, etc. All pawned by our firstborn with an utter lack of care that many of the items had sentimental value. Hell, she pawned our wedding rings. Those were the only things we were able to recover, the rest is gone forever. That’s when she came to me and confessed that she had a problem. My husband’s ring was pawned first and only had three days before it would have been sold. Mine had been pawned the week before and I had been looking all over for it. I still can’t believe she did that, it devastated us. She was careful to start with the things we wouldn’t notice were missing right away.

Heroin has no integrity. It has no conscience. It will take the face and body of somebody you love and change them into something you no longer recognize. Heroin will lie to them and make them lie to you, very convincingly too. Most of all, heroin users are some of the most emotionally manipulative people you will run into, absent those with mental health issues. RUN and don’t look back, at least not right now. I can’t even stress that enough.

10

Dump him.

Now.
Flatly.
And don’t feel bad about it.

You cannot change him.

11

We were together for about 2 years, but at many points I seriously thought he was The One. I don’t think he stole from me, but who knows. It just blows my mind that he would give up everything he’s worked so hard for post-rehab… blows my mind. I guess that’s the thing about addiction that I (thankfully) can’t comprehend. He was doing so well.

The other thing is, should I tell his dad? Please note I never SAW him do anything, did not see track marks, etc. It’s all circumstantial, even if I can’t interpret it in any other way. I really want to do right by him, regardless of whether we’re going to be together. But I also understand that you can’t help someone who doesn’t think there’s a problem to begin with.

12

Dump him, or be a doormat.

Choose.

13

Yes, I think you should tell his dad. At the very least he can make sure not to listen to some sob story and give his son $500 that will go straight into his veins.

You don’t owe your ex confidentiality about his return to drugs.

I’m sorry this has happened, but you’ve made the right decision.

14

I’d say tell the dad, so long as you don’t fear any physical retribution from the guy. You can say that you don’t know for sure but felt sure enough to kick him out over it and let dad do with that information what he will. And, yes, change the locks.

15

Yes, if you have a cordial relationship with his father, I think you should tell him what’s happened. As his father, he not only deserves to know that you two aren’t living together anymore and why the change occurred, he needs to know this. He needs to know, or at least suspect, that his son needs help ASAP, and he needs to know that his own life is prolly going to be impacted (before the lying and thieving starts).

Just my opinion, but hey, you asked. :slight_smile:

ETA: I agree that you should change the locks on your residence. Better safe than sorry and all that.

16

I think you absolutely did the right thing. Right now, the drugs are more important to him than you, and there is a high chance that things will escalate into a worse situation. Not to mention that if he is doing injectable drugs he may very possibly end up sharing needles and put you at risk for HIV.
You have a right to say that you don’t want to put up with all that.
Letting him stay with you would just basically be enabling him. The sooner he has to deal with the consequences of his drug use, the sooner he will (hopefully) realize that he doesn’t “have things under control” and will seek help again.

That really is sad. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do. He has to decide that your relationship is more important to him than the drugs and work on getting help.

17

Run away.
Run fast, run far.
Do not look back.

Change the locks on the doors to your place.

18

Yes, I definitely would tell the dad what happened and the dad can do with that information what he wants. At the very least, I agree with the person who said the dad should know before the ex cons him out of money or steals from him.

19

You told him to choose between you and the drugs. He made his choice. Nothing to be guilty about.

If he stayed, he’d continue to care more about the drugs than you. That’s not a good relationship for you to be in.

20

Don’t “consider” changing the locks, do it. Today.