Should parents shelter drug addicted kids or move them out?

In My Humble Opinion
1

A dear friend of mine is a single mother who has a 20 year old son, and 23 year old son who live at home. The 20 year old is going to community college and is gainfully employed. The 23 year old is a heroin (among other things) addict, exited formal schooling in the 9th grade (ADD & related behavioral issues) and uses in her house. He is only very sporadically employed as he is a fairly unreliable employee, and has difficulty holding a job. She has tolerated his drug use over the years mainly because she fears what would happen if she turned him out. Her theory is that if he is using it’s better than he use in a safe environment vs being out on the streets.

She tolerated his smoking pot upstairs (his room is in the attic) over the past 6 years or so as that was more an annoyance than a life or death circumstance, but over the last 3 years so so he has graduated to much harder drugs. He has made the usual addicted person noises about seeking treatment, and she’s certain he’s sincere about it, but he keeps canceling appointments with addiction centers, and keeps telling her that he’s going to kick it on his own.

She had a bit of a wake up call last week when she discovered that thousands of dollars of her family jewelry had been stolen. She doesn’t have much, and these were her most precious valuables. She has always had an “open house” policy for her kids and their friends, and her house is where other kids often crash temporarily if their parents have booted them or there are between residences. It appears as though a person (a fellow addict) her son had invited into the house to crash for a few days is responsible as the friend has not been seen and cannot be located since the robbery. She has refused to call the police and report the robbery in that she believes that -

1: The police may go into the the son’s room as part of the investigation and possibly find incriminating stuff (ie drug residue etc) on him at which point a legal/criminal shitstorm will ensue for her son, and she may possibly lose her house under drug seizure laws.

2: The thieving friend may come back and do bad stuff to her, her son. or their house if she reports the crime, or may rat on her son as a fellow addict if he is caught, and per above a legal shitstorm ensues.

As a drug addict her son has led something of a charmed life so far, and has never (so far as she knows) been arrested for drug use. This feeds the rationale to keep him protected in her house. Over the past year her son has been stealing and selling her DVDs , CDs, and stealing his brother’s PS3 and games to sell for drugs. She tolerated this, but the violation of her most previous valuables by his associate takes it to new level. She is letting him stay and has seriously curtailed the number of people allowed into her her house.

Her son, according to her, has been crying and crying about how sorry he is that has happened, he has again made sincere promises that he will seek treatment so she is letting him stay. I have told her that I don’t think he’s going to sincerely seek treatment until he is physically forced to do so, and will continue to play her as long as he can despite whatever good intentions he may have when he is not feeling the cravings.

All things considered he’s not a “bad” kid. He’s a fairly mellow sort and is not violent or destructive, he’s just a heroin addict and will do whatever it takes to get his fix if the craving hits him. I think he wants help, but as long as she shelters him the path of least resistance for him is to stay holed up in mom’s house. I think he needs to go, but she disagrees for all the aforesaid fears/reasons.

What the hell do you do in situation like this?

2

that’s rough. I wouldn’t kick the kid out, as that would more likely than not lead him further down the spiral, but the kid needs help. (also, on an off note, I disagree with your terminology of “graduating” to harder drugs, as many people are quite content to smoke pot and only pot, and the implication that it is some sort of gateway drug is complete horseshit).

The kid needs to get his ass into rehab. No, let me rephrase that, the mom needs to get the kids’ ass into rehab. A buddy of mine got sent to this camp thing by his parents, basically he was camping out in the middle of nowhere with a few other people in the same situation for a week or so, and they had to do physical-labor sorta stuff, heat their own water, help with cooking food, daily hikes, that sorta shit. Basically like rehab but outdoors and more grueling. He said it helped him a lot. The point is she needs to do something, cause it’s obvious her kid isn’t going to (obvious from how you tell it, anyway). She needs to throw his ass into the car and drive him to a program. Granted it’s screwed up she has to take responsibility for a 23 year old, but it’s obvious he ain’t stepping up to the plate. And if he refuses to go she can throw an ultimatum at him, like a “look, I’ve tried to help you, I want to help you, but if you don’t get help I’m going to be forced to kick you out cause I don’t feel safe with your friends around, stealing my valuables and gods know what else”

3

“just a heroin addict” is a big deal.

He needs help, either rehab/detox, or the forced dryout of a jail cell.

4

Is a methadone program an option in your area?

5

Better than methadone (IMHO) is a suboxone maintenance program. If he’s not willing to be completely abstinent, it’s a good route to take.

Addicts will promise anything to escape consequences, but avoid treatment until it’s the last possible resort for them. It’s the nature of the disease. Been there, done that personally. (Now I have thousands of addicts as patients.)

Sadly, he may not buy into any form of treatment until he’s been kicked out of the house. Continuing to shelter him despite continued violations of house rules (to say the least) will not help him change for the better.

6

This is a good point, hence an ultimatum or something would be in order. Sometimes people need to see that what they’re doing is unacceptable in how it effects others around them and that there are indeed consequences for such actions. On the other hand I’d hate to see another strung out heroine addict on the street =/ Sometimes kicking someone out just leads them further down the spiral, as I said. So I have very mixed opinions about it, especially with such little information. He really needs to know that he has a loving family who will be there for him IF and WHEN he gets help, but not if he keeps up what he’s doing

I also second the non-methadone route

7

Maybe I’m unsympathetic from working with a lot of addicts but I think that unless he agrees to go into treatment immediately and stay there she should report the jewelry theft to the police and let them talk to her son. She can warn him if she wants to get the stuff out of his room but I don’t see any reason why a 23 year old shouldn’t have to face the consequences of his actions.

8

What pisses me off is how the other son necessarily gets treated. So one needs more help; then the parent has to give the other less. I despise this. Squeaky wheel gets the grease? That ain’t right.

He’s 23. How long is she going to be around? What happens when she dies and he has no life skills whatsoever? Send his ass to rehab.

9

I agree. Sheilding him from the consequences of his actions will not help him.

In recovery, we have to admit that we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanagable. It’s harder to come to that surrender when someone else is paying the bills.

If he agrees to go to treatment, great. If not, set his bags at the curb and change the locks.

10

Obviously Qadgop has the professional expertise, but in my opinion perhaps you could gently point out to your friend that:

  • her son is an heroin addict and has no reason to stop since she supports him
  • his ‘promises’ to stop are worthless
  • his habit has already cost her thousands of dollars, and such crime will undoubtedly happen again
  • if the police do come for any reason (domestic disturbance, uninvited guests on rampage etc), she will be in trouble
  • (as Anaamika said) the other son is learning the lesson that drug abuse is better than working
  • the situation will get continually worse until she does something (i.e. send him for treatment)
11

An addict will eventually steal from the people he loves.

This is inevitable. It is the final destination of this story. The cravings will become stronger than love. When that happens, your friend is going to come home to an empty house.

My friend stole her husband’s tools. The things he used to make a living for themselves and their young child. He could no longer work, and had to find a new livelihood. My own father stole from me. He sold everything of value in the house, and even cut apart the framed “uncut dollars” I brought home as a souvenir from the US Mint. I came home to that at the age of like eight. This is what addiction does to people.

And this will happen to your friend if things continue. And despite the tears and what he says, it will continue. Make your friend watch a few episodes of “intervention” if she doesn’t believe you.

He has a choice. Get treatment or go out on his own. This isn’t kicking anyone to the streets. He knows his family is there and cares about him. But he can’t be allowed to ruin their lives.

12

Junkie Son is trouble but it sounds like Mom has to some work to do too. Is she open to attending Al-anon meetings for people who live with addicts? Or maybe discussing her situation with a therapist? It sounds like she needs some concrete coping strategies so she can move beyond enabling him. Is she familiar with the term co-dependence?

She’s right to be afraid for her home and also for her younger son. She needs to work on saving herself before she can start thinking about saving someone else.

13

My son-in-law is a former heroin addict who is now a methadone addict. He’s 30 years old and, since my daughter kicked his butt to the curb well over a year ago, lives with his mother and works maybe one week every six months. And this appears to be just fine with his mom.

Not to harsh the OP, but your friend has not asked you for help and appears to be just fine with the way things are going. Addicts are not the only ones who sometimes need to hit rock bottom before seeing things in a new way. I suggest you stick around to emotionally support your friend when the bottom is finally reached, either by her or the addicted son, but other than that, butt out. I understand you are concerned, but it’s not your business.

14

The mom’s being an enabler. I’m sure she has the best of intentions, but she basically allows her son to steal from her and his sibling in order to support his habit. What kind of a message does that send to her other son, the one who’s got his act together, about how much she cares about his rights, happiness, etc? Almost everything goes as long as her jewelry isn’t taken, and even then, she still lets this son, friend to an even bigger junkie thief, stay at her house.

As someone else noted, someday she may not have any control over when the police come and search her house.

I have a sister-in-law who abused drugs and alcohol from her preteen years and was still doing it in her late 40s. She stole from her siblings, stole from jobs and was fired when discovered. Her parents always bailed her out of her scrapes - bailed out of jail for disorderly conduct, paid her rent, found her new apartments when she got evicted, etc. They never let her hit bottom. She’s been acting all right lately, but it’s hard to tell, frankly - she abused for so many years that she’s practically skeletal, plus she does have an old back injury which adds to her frailty, so we don’t know if it’s drugs, diet issues (she has body issues wrapped up with this), or what. She also came into some money not long ago, so if that all “disappears” who knows if her life will unravel again.

How many years, decades, does she want her son to be an addict, stealing from her and anyone near him, and living under her roof?

15

This is the nub of it. Your friend isn’t just not actively doing anything about her son’s addiction, she’s helping him. I’m not an addict but I have known people who have been, and all of them have a rock bottom experience. Until you have that experience, you can’t get better, and she’s doing everything she can (including messing her own and her other non-junkie son’s life) to stop him having it. If she were allowing him to stay in her house making clear that she won’t tolerate any drug use or illegal behaviour, and that he’s out as soon as he does anything to hurt her or his brother that would be one thing, but she’s bending over backwards to protect him from the consequences of his action and in the process allowing him to do all this.

To be blunt, but she might as well be handing him the spoon and rubber tubing.

16

This is much less about the kid (whose addiction is fairly predictable, based on first hand reports here) and more about the mother.

I think a parent will reach a point…a moment of clarity…where they have reached their limit. When she’s done being a doormat and when she really realizes that she can’t help him by doing what she’s doing, she’ll give him an ultimatum and he’ll either get into treatment or he’ll be out on the street. She’s not there yet. Hopefully, she’ll get there before the worst happens.

Good luck to her. I can’t imagine how painful that must be.

17

Mom can threaten, beg, cajole, or throw a million guilt trips to get the kid into treatment and while the kid might go (especially if his alternative is being kicked out) it’s pretty much a wasted effort if he hasn’t bottomed out yet. He’d be doing it for her or for convenience, not out of of a desperate desire to get clean. Rehab just doesn’t work until you reach that point.

It took me twenty years and three shots at rehab before it finally stuck. The first two were a waste of time and money because I did it for the reasons above – my parents were shielding me from the consequences of my addiction and allowing me to live in their home. They felt guilty for feeling like they’d screwed up with their parenting, I felt guilty for making them feel guilty, so I went again. The thing is, I wasn’t quitting because I was sick of it, I was quitting because someone else was sick of it. Seeing my family’s anguish was the only consequence I ever paid for my actions. Being an addict, their anguish didn’t compare to my desperate need for drugs.

Ten years later everything changed. I was four hours away from my family and totally out of control with my addiction. I ended up losing everything, absolutely everything including my friends and (finally) my family. There was nobody left to coddle me out of the mess I’d made, thank God, because being homeless, miserable, and in constant withdrawal was my impetus to change and WANT to be clean. I doubt I’d be where I am now if I was still being sheltered by willing enablers.

Yeah, telling the kid he can’t live there anymore might cause a lot of grief for everyone involved. Everyone will feel guilt or resentment or both and there may be a period where there’s no communication. But until he has to dig himself out of his own messes and suffer the consequences, until he realizes that HE doesn’t want this horrible life anymore, nothing will change. Drugs haven’t made his life horrible yet because Mom is protecting him. But she sure isn’t doing him any favours, trust me.

It’s time for Mom to cut Kid off of food, shelter, money, and everything but love and moral support because she’s only prolonging the inevitable. Meanwhile, he’s wasting precious years of youth while wallowing in addiction.

I don’t blame my parents for enabling my own addiction for so long. They did what they thought was right and they did it out of love and concern. But I do know that if they’d thrown my sorry, lying, thieving, addicted ass out of the house when it was apparent that I hadn’t changed my ways, I’d have reached that bottom about fifteen years sooner and saved a lot of heartache for many people.

18

My advice would be for the 20yo son.

Get out of that trap. Your brother is gonna keep stealing from you & your mother is going to keep enabling him. Run for your life from them both.

19

This is a good point. If she’s the homeowner and knowingly allows heroin to be used and stored on her property things will not go well for her if he’s busted. If he’s selling it she could lose her home.

20

I was gonna say, the OP lost me when s/he said the 23 y/o has already stolen from mom and the 20 y/o.

Just out of curiosity, does 23 do a lot of griping about how 20 is a total suck-up and always gets what he wants, and mom loves 20 more than 23, and everything’s so easy for 20?