Update on my daughter (warning: it ain't pretty)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well, as many of you know, I was delighted three and a half months ago, when my oldest daughter voluntarily went into drug and alcohol rehab. She got out about six weeks ago, and at first, things seemed to be going very, very well. Then, about two or three weeks ago, she started to slip back into old patterns of behavior. Yesterday, she confirmed our suspicions that she’s using again. But she cried, and told us that she really, really wants to be clean and she’s going to start going to meetings again; she’s going to stop hanging out with the slippery people, and stop doing slippery things.

Today, she had a friend over. A friend we had never met before. She kept swearing to us that said friend was responsible, and wouldn’t let her do anything stupid. We still kept her on a fairly short leash, but when she and her friend wanted to walk to the meeting instead of us driving them, we said okay.

Well, one way and another, we found out that she never went to the meeting. Confronted with this, she said that she really hates it here, especially on weekends, and she knew we wouldn’t let them go hang out downtown, so she lied to us. Fine. So now, apparently, it’s okay to lie to get your way. She keeps telling us that she’s out of here on her 18th birthday (which is in two months), and she’s right about that. We will not tolerate her lying and using while she’s living under our roof, and our financial support.

Before she went into rehab, she was days away from trying heroin, and I’m terrified that she will. The statistics for recovery from heroin addiction are grim.

I’m scared; I’m sick and tired of dealing with her seemingly bottomless selfishness. She doesn’t seem to care who she hurts or how badly, as long as she gets what she wants, and right now I hurt very badly indeed. It seems like this is all the worse because of the false hope a couple of months ago.

When she was just out of rehab, she asked me not to start any more threads about her, and I agreed. But dammit, I need this outlet right now. And if she has absolutely no respect for me, then I apparently just need to look out for myself, so that’s what I’m doing.

Sorry if this seems a little incoherrent; I’m very upset right now.

2

Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice for you. I just wanted to say I hope your daughter gets better, and that I wish your family the best.

3

I’m sorry norinew. I’m not a parent, but I’d be way past fed up at this point.

You can’t fix her, obviously. Me, personally, I’d try to emotionally detach as much as possible. What can you do? Just hurt more and more?

I hope a smart parent with great advice comes by, I’m sure a few will. Many dopers out there are great parents. But I am very sorry you have had to go through all this crap for so long.

I think you gotta get back to making yourself and how you feel first priority. You did your best, and I think you did a fine job trying to help her.

4

Are you able to sign her in yourself to a treatment facility?

5

No, we cannot legally force her into a treatment facility. The courts can, but by the time we petition the courts (a pricey path we probably can’t afford anyway), she’d be 18. Believe me, if I could think of somewhere safe to warehouse her for a couple of months, I’d do it.

Ravenous Lady, you’re absolutely right; I need to be taking care of myself first. Thankfully, I have four days in Chicago coming up later this week, and boy do I need the break!

6

{{Norine}}}

I’ve been following your story with your daughter, and I really, really hope it comes with a happy ending. If you ever need to talk, or even get a teenage perspective on things (I’m just a few months older than your daughter), I’m here. My email is in my profile.

7

I was wondering how your daughter was getting on Norine, so I’m very sorry to hear about these developments. I can’t do much more than add to the positive wishes for you all.

8

I feel for you. I know what its like tohave someone you love on drugs. You want to fight the drug, but you can’t, because its not human. There is hope! I have known people who have quit, and on their own also. Don’t lose hope, things will get better.

9

Well, I’m trying not to lose hope, but I certainly know that things don’t always get better. I know that recovery is possible (my father was clean and sober 27 years at the time of his death), but I also know that a lot of people die of drug abuse, and a lot of people just keep on using and never become productive citizens.

But thanks for the good wishes.

10

I’m sorry for you.

I know little about drug addiction, but I’ve always heard an addict will do whatever they need to to feed the addiction. They say you are not being betrayed by your daughter but by her disease.

I don’t know if that’s true, or just comforting.

My wife’s cousin got a lot of second chances, went in and out of rehab (he was addicted to heroin.)

He was just a few days out of rehab when his father went to the store and left him alone. He overdosed on heroin and died.

The only advice I can give you (and it may be bad advice,) is if you are going to do anything, don’t do any half-measures. You cannot respect your daughter’s personhood or desires while fighting the disease. Forget about the former and use all your powers in the most extreme fashion that seems warranted to save your daughter’s life.

I’m sure you would walk through fire for her, so forget about her feelings, her desires, and what have you and just do what you need to do.

11

Has anyone asked your daughter how much she is hurting right now? Most people self-medicate because they feel somehow “damaged” by life circumstances.
I hope everything works out all right for you and your family.

BTW, I became hateful and bitter when my mother used drugs and alcohol to escape her pain. Her final escape was suicide. I guess I just have another outlook on similar situations, and how the drugs can take over a life and make someone feel hopeless and out of control. It’s not easy for anyone involved.

12

I’ve been following the story of you and your daughter, norinew, and I’m sorry to hear about this latest turn. Like several others, I have no advice to give, but just wanted you to know that I’m hoping for the best.

13

You said in another thread that she won’t take her prescribed drugs. This has self-medication written all over it, and if the rehab clinic she’s been sent to doesn’t deal with the motivations around self-medication, it’s probably not going to do much for her in the long run.

A lot of drug-rehab is trying to teach people that they can live a normal life without drugs. This is conflicting with being medicated. It might be possible that she, in fact, cannot lead a normal life without drugs. She feels like crap without drugs. She feels like a different kind of crap on prescribed drugs (or feels like nothing at all or feels like someone she isn’t). But on illegal drugs, well, that’s okay.

I’d say keep talking to whoever decides what drugs to prescribe her and trying different things. She should describe what drugs she likes and what drugs she doesn’t, and why… legal and illegal. One way or another, she’d going to find the mix of drugs that help her get through the day… ideally, they’ll all be legal.

14

Ah, shit. I was so hopeful for her, you and the rest of the family that she’d shed those ways-was looking forward to seeing a different young woman than the one I’d met. Don’t beat yourself up (easier to say than to do). :sad:

15

Thank heavens you are looking out for yourself and your own well-being. This may have been mentioned in earlier threads, but have you thought about joining a support group for family members of drug addicts?

My heart goes out to you.

16

Norinew, take as long a hug as you need from me. Your daughter’s right about one thing, you know. She’s old enough now to make her own choices, no matter how rotten those choices are. If it were me, though, I’d make it very clear to her that since she deliberately and willfully chose to betray your trust, she’s as tightly restricted as she would be at the rehab center, meaning she’s not going anywhere without supervision. You are in touch with a group like Narc-Anon, right? Check with them about how to handle this situation. I’m sure they’ve got people who’ve dealt with situations like this. I’d also make it as clear as you can to your daughter that once she moves out of your house, she’s not getting any financial support from you until she can demonstrate that she’s been clean and sober for a set period of time.

Sometimes people we love become hell bent on destroying themselves and others and there’s nothing we can do about it. You may remember a tall, bearded fellow I brought to GettysDope last summer. About a year ago, his wife, a dear friend, became hell bent on destroying their marriage by believing false rumors and, eventually kicking him out of their home. Neither of us knows why, although we have theories. All I can do as a friend to both of them is contain the damage and hope she doesn’t destroy herself as well as their marriage. (There is a much longer story behind this.)

It hurts like hell to stand by while someone you love destroys herself, but sometimes that’s all you can do. Yes, it does stink. I wish it were otherwise. If you don’t want to start another thread but do need to vent, you’ve got my e-mail address and I can send you my phone number. Meanwhile, you’ve got me to lean on if you need it, not to mention a whole bunch of other people around here.

Take care of yourself, first, lady, and be well.
CJ

17

Don’t you just hate it when you think of something right after you hit “Submit Reply”?!

Norinew, your daughter said she hates it there, especially on weekends. My response would have been to say, “Fine. What do you want to do instead?” I grew up in a small town. I know full well it can be boring. I also know that claiming to hate a place because it’s boring can also be a pretty good copout. On the other hand, if you’re willing to give her something to do other than hang around downtown, it might give her a chance to set up a new pattern. This weekend certainly was a glorious one for hiking, biking, etc.

It’s a thought.

CJ

18

My goodness, so many responses! And not a single email about any of them in my inbox. Oh, well.

I’ll start by saying the police are on the way over here. Last night, after we had it out, she said she needed to go for a walk, and she left. She still wasn’t home when I went to bed at 11:30, and still wasn’t home when we got up at 6:30. So we called and reported her as a runaway.

Believe me, she doesn’t miss an opportunity to tell us how much she’s hurting, how much her life sucks, what crappy parents we are, etc., ad nauseum. She’s been in and out of psych hospitals (always voluntarily; we’ve never pushed her into one); she has weekly psych counseling, weekly drug and alcohol counseling, and lots of contact with lots of support people. We have bent over backwards to give her what she needs, but she won’t accept the help that’s been offered her. Maybe, in all fairness, she can’t accept that help right now.

The combo of meds she’s on now is the combo that was found for her in the rehab, and seemed to be working very well. I suspect the illegal ones are just more fun. Does that sound cold? I don’t mean it to, but she’s scoffed at every single damned form of help that’s been offered, and won’t do anything to try to figure out what it is she needs. Oh, and did I mention she’s having sex with random guys who can give her what she wants? Nice, huh?

Everyone else, thank you for the good wishes and the hugs. Much needed right now. At this time, I don’t know what we’re going to do in regards to the oldest one, but my current goal is not to let her tear the family apart. She certainly seems to be trying hard to do that. I’ve got two other kids to look out for, and I’m going to do it.

19

Forgot to respond to this.

There are plenty of options open to her, but she doesn’t want to do anything but hang out downtown. For instance, she had the opportunity to go to an under-21 dance on Friday night; free of charge, junk food, prizes, dj, etc. She chose to go downtown, instead. She’ll tell us she’s going to AA or NA meetings and ditch them to go hang out. When she says she hates it here, she’s not talking about Cumberland, she’s talking about this home. Because we won’t give her her freedom.

We have, indeed, made this crystal clear. I have an acquaintance who is roughly my age, and is addicted to prescription narcotics. She’s never worked a day in her life. She lives, with her two kids, in a house her father gave her. She gets child support and earns the rest of her money selling OxyContin. I don’t know if she’d still be a junkie if her parents haven’t been enabling her all this time. I do know that we’re not going to play that game. Our oldest keeps saying “just let me move out”, and believe me, it’s tempting. But we’re legally responsible for her until she’s 18, and I’m bound and determined to keep her alive until then.

20

I feel for you. The tugs from opposite directions–the urge to take care of your “baby” vs. the need to treat your 17-year-old as an adult–can be painful. One thing I want to say, though: Please don’t promise her again not to express your feelings, especially here, fairly anonymously, where you can get much-needed support, advice, commisseration, etc. I’m not sure what she gets out of your keeping your thoughts and feelings bottled up, but whatever it is, you need to communicate more than she needs it, whatever it is.