Boyfriend has substance abuse issues

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I feel really weird about talking about this on the interweb, but I’ve talked to the few people I know IRL who I feel comfortable knowing and now I need more help. So I pose it to the Dope, where I know a lot of people have experiences like this in hopes of some advice.

I met my boyfriend at the end of 2007, but we didn’t start dating until spring 2010. We started as a very casual, kind of hookup situation but grew to really like each other and became pretty serious. I have always known he smoked pot every day, a couple of times a day. I rarely, rarely smoke pot, though I don’t have a problem with it or think it’s bad in moderation. It just isn’t something I enjoy. I’ve always thought his pot smoking was out of hand, but it didn’t bother me until our relationship got more serious and we started spending more time together.

I would be less concerned if he didn’t have other substance abuse issues. He drinks every day and, way too often, gets pretty drunk (probably two or three times a week.) I’ve also seen him snorting Xanax, ketamine, and something that he told me was “like ecstacy.” I have asked him to stop, or at least stop doing it in my presence because it really makes me uncomfortable (the last time he was snorting ketamine we were in a hotel the day before Christmas, so I couldn’t just walk out.) His response is always that it’s safe and he knows what he’s doing, and that I’ve been misinformed by anti-drug propaganda He is constantly telling me that I would like some drugs if I tried them and that I should “loosen up.” I don’t know how many other ways I have to tell him for him to understand that I just don’t want to.

Last night I finally had to tell him that I’m sick of him being high all of the time. It isn’t fair to me, and I can’t believe anything he says when he’s doing drugs. I told him I feel like I don’t know who he is when he’s not high, and that when he tells me he loves me I can’t believe it because he’s forever in an altered state. I don’t think he knows who I am without drugs, and I don’t think I know who he is without drugs. I don’t think he heard me at all. His rebuttal is always that pot/whatever drug “enhances” the person you are, where my position is that drugs are fun and make you high but that they shouldn’t be used from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed at night (which is what his use is like, and I’m not overestimating.) I can’t take the “spiritual experience” bullshit anymore.

Last month he had mentioned briefly that he thought his drinking might be a problem, and I was really receptive to it and encouraged him to pursue it, but he didn’t. He also admits he smokes too much pot. But I see no move to make any kind of change. I think what it comes down to is, he thinks it’s fine, I don’t, and we will never see eye to eye. Should I just break things off? I know by this point that he won’t change. I’m not going to give him an ultimatum about “drugs or me” because he’ll choose drugs. I’m thinking maybe I should just tell him that, that I’m not going to ask him to choose or change, that I’m just going to leave but that he needs to know why. Foolishly, I wish that he loved me enough to want
to change.

Advice please, Dopers. Personal anecdotes welcome. Thanks.

2

Yikes! How invested are you in this relationship? It is REALLY hard to go through this with someone. It takes a lot of time and emotion to get clean, and it’ll be very tough on you. Plus, he needs to want to quit for himself, not for you, or the likelihood of a relapse is pretty high. It sounds like he likes the way he lives and isn’t willing to do a full turn around just yet.

Not knowing the extent of the relationship, I’d say pack up and leave.

3

You do realize that when the police pick him up ( and they will), you can be sucked into the same amount of trouble.
Check your car and home. Any illegal drugs will be yours in their eyes.

4

Holy crap, this x10.

5

1.) He, from the moment he wakes up, to the moment he goes to sleep, is high on something.
2.) He’s constantly trying to convince you to snort “xanax, ketamine” and “something like ecstasy”.
3.) You know he won’t change.

I hate that “enhances the person you are” newage bullshit and doubt I could be with anyone who spews it regardless of their sobriety.
You already know the correct answer. Good luck.

6

Yes, break it off.

Your primary relationship may be with him, but his is with his drugs. That won’t change until he wants it to change. If he were to decide he wants it to change, it would be difficult. But without his wanting to change, it’s impossible.

7

I’m so happy you’ve seen the situation for what it is before you’re married and have a couple of kids.

Even if he does get rehab and clean up while you’re together there’s an excellent chance that your relationship will end anyway.

Get out. Now.

and check out your local Al-Anon or Nar-Anon support group. It might help you get some healing.

8

Uh huh.

That light you see at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming freight train. Get off the tracks.

Seriously, you have shown that you do in fact know the score - he’s into drugs beyond your comfort point, you know that he’s not going to change, and all that will happen is he will bring tons of unwanted drama into your life. I don’t know how old you are but I’m guessing late teens/early 20s? From my perspective (I’m 40) you do not want this guy in your life at all. It may hurt temporarily but say goodbye, move on and don’t look back, you will be far better off for it.

9

The above posters have already given excellent advice for this situation.

Therefore, I will merely provide this link to an appropriate-ish Dar Williams song.

10

My sister married a guy who had alcohol and substance abuse issues. I think she thought she could help him. Two months after they married, he was in jail. When he got out, he hocked her stereo, TV, and jewelry, and disappeared. That’s when she figured out she needed to divorce him. A few months ago, she found out he’d died last year - he was just in his 40s and he’d destroyed his own health.

Yep, he needs to be out of your life now.

11

I ditch him for being too much hassle and too much risk.

Would you get him out of jail if he were arrested? Would you help pay the $5,000- $10,000 the lawyer will cost to clear the DWI/DUI? Would he lose his job if it were found out that he was drunk or high at work? Could you afford to keep your place and car if you suddenly not only lost an income but found a new debt that had to be paid (to the lawyers)? Would your coworkers or family assume you are drinking and using too, if he were busted? Is that OK with you?

I left an ex because of his drinking. I warned him for I while that I was considering leaving him and that his alcohol (and substance) use/abuse was bugging me. He always had a reason for why he was drunk or stoned- he was happy and celebrating, he was sad, he was bored… As it turns out, it doesn’t really matter- there is always a ‘reason’. Like you, I wondered if I even knew the sober guy.

After I left, he called and begged and called and sent flowers and mail for weeks, but then the contacts suddenly stopped.

He had found a new, female drinking buddy and I never heard from him again.

12

He’s not going to quit, you can’t abide with him the way he is, so where’s the question?

13

Do you really need advice, or just a general sense of affirmation that this describes a seriously fucked up person who has placed his substance abuse issues ahead of your concerns, happiness, and well-being without a shred of remorse? If a close friend came to you with this same story about a man she was dating, what would your advice to her be? I think you already know what the answer to this is. I think you just want someone to tell you that you’re right about wanting to exit this situation.
You’re right. Now get out of there and move on.

Stranger

14

of course be careful, but this sort of thing doesn’t really happen all that much. a raid of the OP or her boyfriend’s home is not imminent unless one of them is a big time dealer or something. also, speaking from personal experience, addicts don’t usually leave their stuff lying around other people’s vehicles, homes, etc. usually they know where exactly their stash is and how much of it they have.

as for the advice, i don’t have much more to add that hasn’t been said. it really comes down to what you feel you can deal with, and know he’s not likely to change without really wanting to and a whole lot of effort on his part.

15

Everyone has said what needs to be said. The real choices you have are heartache now, or heartache later. You can’t fix him, you can’t change him, but you can find someone who doesn’t make you deal with this BS.

16

This is the part that makes me wonder - what did you think would happen when you got serious with a guy who smoked too much pot? That the power of your love would make him change his ways? I’m not trying to be mean, but I honestly don’t see where starting a relationship with this guy sounded like a good idea. There’s “I thought he was a great guy, then a little while down the road he changed and things went wrong.” and there’s, “I started dating a guy who does drugs all the time, and (surprise!) it’s not going great.”

17

Remember that episode of Little House on the Prairie where Albert gets addicted to morphine in the big city and with the love of his family, he sweats out hte drugs and becomes a clear-eyed boy again? That’s not going to happen. What will happen is eventually he’ll lie, cheat and steal enough that you finally leave him. Just cut to the end of the book and leave him now. You can’t change him, especially when he doesn’t want to be changed.

StG

18

QFT. And there’s also the very real risk of having to pay restitution for any damage he causes. Not just property damage, but the possibility of his causing severe injury or death. And, of course, the jail/prison sentence and license suspension. Are you OK with having to pay all of that AND be his taxi?

expectopatronum, I’ve known more than one addict/alcoholic who kept a stash at an SO’s house “just in case.” (I was in AA for quite a while.) It never got to the point where the SO was arrested for possession, but more than one was VERY surprised when she went through her closet and found a little baggie of pills/coke/weed.

Green Rosetta,this guy is trouble, and he’s going to cause you trouble. He’s not worth it. Dump his ass and let him find someone who will get high with him. And don’t look back.

19

Obtain new boyfriend.

20

Really bad news. For yourself, get out of this relationship now before you have too much invested. I can guarantee you that someday, maybe not this year, maybe not next year, maybe not even this decade, but someday he will hit bottom hard and he will take you there with him. As someone who has seen it first hand several times, you don’t want to go there.