We’ve been dating for about 9 months now and my pot smoking has been a reoccuring issue. Sometimes she gets upset about it, other times she’s perfectly okay with it. Now she always gets upset about it so I told I’ll just quit. Actually I’ve offered to twice before, but both times she refused because she doesn’t want me to feel like she’s controlling me. Each time I told her that pot is not a huge part of my life and if it makes her that upset, it’s not too much of a sacrifice and that’s the truth.
But now that’s all done with, I don’t really mind saying goodbye to pot but I get this nagging feeling that she’s controlling me to a certain extent. So am I totally whipped for giving in, or am I a good boyfriend?
Comments and suggestions are welcome.
To answer a question with a question: is she bothered by your smoking pot out of concern for you and your long term well being, or out of concern for her (i.e. “who will find out I’m dating a stoner”)?
I could see not doing it when you two are together but not doing it with your friends becuase she disapproves smacks of controlling. I also could see quitting if your pot smoking harmed the relationship beyond her just not liking it when you do it. I guess you can put me down as “whipped” but it seems like you are doing this more or less voluntarily so whipped doesn’t capture it correctly.
Ah, the mating game. Always the spice of life until marriage. 
She told you that she doesn’t want you to think she’s being controlling. You quit on your own, and so it’s unfair to have the feeling that she’s tugging your leash. If it bothers you that bad, then toke up again. If she hates it that much, then just don’t do it when she’s around. Although, I can see where she’s coming from.
If my SO drank a lot and he was never sober around me, then I’d start to feel second best to the bottle. On the other hand, if he drank a lot in the presence of others, I’d feel slightly jealous for reasons I have yet to figure out.
I say just stop hitting the bong for a while and trust her. She obviously doesn’t want to control you, why feel the resentment?
Eh the thing is i’m not high around her that much. Or at all really. And to answer your question robardin it’s because she doesn’t want to be dating a stoner. Which I’m not really. My life doesn’t revolve around pot by any means and no one would think so just by looking at me.
Also treis, I can kinda see it harming the relationship in the long run, so to be honest I guess that’s a big part of why I’m quitting. I mean, I don’t wanna smoke all my life, but without her, I probably would not be quitting now.
This girl grew up all her life being told about the evils of drugs and although sometimes she can see “it’s just pot” other times she reverts back to “OMG I’m dating a drug user”. I can’t really figure this out, so maybe you guys can help.
A lot of people have little irrational hold ups and at the end of the day (I assume) your relationship is more important than being able to toke up. It sounds like she is understanding and sincerely doesn’t want to control what you are doing so I don’t think this is a symptom of a larger issue. If it bothers her that you and it doesn’t bother you to quit then for the sake of the relationship you might as well. If I were your friend I would probably rag on you a bit and call you whipped becuase after all thats what friends are for but I think you are in the clear.
You are only whipped if you go along with demands which you don’t agree with and suck down the resentment you feel. Anything else is just normal inter- personal consideration.
In my mind, No. Releationships can only work with comprimise. Now, if you give in to EVERY demand she makes, then yes, you are whipped. But to comprimise on some things - well that is the only way to make a good relationship work.
Think of it this way?
In practical terms you like getting laid more than getting stoned. Perfectly rational from where I’m sitting.
Out of curiosity, how many times a week do you toke up?
Daniel
No, giving up pot doesn’t make you whipped, it makes you sensible.
A caveat: If you go down the road of “Still getting high, but not in front of her,” let her know that that is the deal. Tell her that you appreciate the fact that seeing you smoke makes her uncomfortable, but let her know that you will be taking the odd chalice every now and again. Because if she should ever show up unexpectedly on your doorstep and find you with glassy eyes and it-ain’t-patchouli in the air, she’ll feel betrayed.
I gave up pot in order to keep my desk-monkey job. Do I feel like a first-class drone? You betcha! That being said, I learned several weeks ago that the hair test they administered last year was done with a tolerance threshold and the amount I was smoking before didn’t exceed that mark, so I could probably go back to the way I was before. But I still haven’t, yet. So try staying straight for a while, and see how things work out in yourself.
I’m on the same line of thinking as Quartz: you’re not whipped your finally wising up. I know that pot is really no worse for you than smoking or drinking (with effects of both), but just the fact that there’s always a chance you could be busted with her is reason enough to quit, in my opinion.
Exactly… he quits, she starts!
Grow up, man. Why would you be “whipped” if you want to please your girlfriend, but not when trying to please your friends? Or, for that matter, would you rather be whipped by an pot addiction?
Suppose your girlfriend would change a habit for you; would you think she was whipped, or would you think she valued you and made an effort, especially if that effort was as small as you say giving up pot is for you?
Maybe the real issue is that giving up pot isn’t as easy for you as you make it out to be, and you try to come up with argumetns to hide that? “Oh sure, I could quit pot; I just want to keep smoking occasionally to prove I am my own man, fug it!”
Give up pot for three months to show youré not pot-whipped. After those three months, aks yourself, and ask honestly, whetether giving it up is really easy and does you good. Does you good financially, health-wise, fun-wise, energywise. If you really like smoking pot, have this conversation wiht your gf again. But only then you will have proven that it wasn’t your addiction or your insecure machismo talking when you said you didn’t have to give up smoking pot.
I gave up smoking for my husband. Does that make me whipped? :rolleyes:
Weed was never a drug of choice, so I rarely partook of the good bud. My Sr. year in undergrad, my g/f did now and then. Now, this was an extremely attractive, rather sex-hungry true redhead. One of those mutants with red hair and the ability to get a buttery tan. Gorgeous. I’m not kidding, I spent 99% of the time completely gobsmacked by my own good fortune.
The 1% of the time my thoughts strayed to “maybe this ain’t gonna work” was when she was stoned and I wasn’t. Let’s face it: People who are high are really irritating when you’re sober. You know they’re only temporarily addled, but it’s difficult to remain mindful of that after a full night of sheer idiocy.
I can’t stress this enough: I was so confoundedly overjoyed that I, Loopy, of all people, was having hot monkey sex with this total babe at least three nights a week it is nothing short of astonishing that anything could shake me from a state of perpetual bliss. Except the odd night when I was trying to relate someone who had been toking hard on a big fatty.
No it doesn’t make you “whipped”, it means that this girlfriend is looking at you as a potential long term prospect and for her (and a lot of other people) the negatives associated with smoking pot outweigh the positives by a fairly large margin. You also need to get over the “does this make me a pussy” syndrome. All decent women worth having will try to change their men for the better by subtle and not so subtle means, it’s in their nature, and you need to understand this early. If you had a woman who was OK with anything you wanted to do to yourself that’s (IMO) an indication of laziness, desperation or cluelessness.
I agree with the following points.
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She’s trying hard not to be controlling here. It seems she has made it entirely clear that it is your decision to give up toking or not. She is also honest enough to let you know how she feels, both pro and con. These are admirable traits in a prospective life partner, whether for life or just a number of years. If she wobbles a little in her position - well, she’s a human being, for goodness sakes, and we all wobble a bit.
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Long term relationships require negotiation and compromise. If the compromising is roughly equal on both sides it’s not being “whipped” it’s being mature. If you feel you are being asked to compromise on things you don’t feel you can compromise on then re-examine the relationship and ask yourself the same questions again. If you still feel you can’t give a little to get a little on a particular subject it may be time to terminate the relationship and go elsewhere.
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Mates, ideally, help each other and support each other. Part of that is not forcing the other to change but to help and encourage the other to change in positive ways. That has certainly occurred in my marriage over the years and we are both better people for it (the occassional shouting match does happen, of course, but we resolve our differences). While I don’t feel pot is the greatest of vices I don’t view it as much of a positive, either. I’d feel the same if she was encouraging you to give up tobacco, eat healthier, exercise more, or start planning for your retirement. If you hired a personal trainer to help you develop an exercise program would that make you “whipped”? If you hired a financial advisor would that make you “whipped”? As long as it is YOUR decision to give up pot then what you have is someone who is encouraging you to make a positive change in your life, and from what I gather, would be willing to either help you quit or to give you space. It doesn’t sound like she’s giving you an ultimatum either.
Bottom line - quit the pot for three or four months and see how you feel about the whole situation. What could it hurt? I mean, they aren’t going to stop growing it just because you stop toking for awhile. My goodness, the thing grows like a weed. There will always be plenty to go around if you chose to go back to smoking.
I view it a lot like I view my own consumption of alcohol - moderate at the heaviest of times, but I’ve got a lot of activities in my life that aren’t compatible with alcohol, even in small amounts. When engaged in those activities I simply don’t drink, and I don’t miss it a bit. When not playing those games I indulge a little bit. I could go the rest of my life without another drink of alcohol, but I see no reason to be that strict, either.
So… it may be that you will come to value this relationship more than whatever it is you get from pot. Or you may toke only rarely. Or maybe the relationship will end at some point and you’ll resume old habits. This really is YOUR choice, you know that? And if it’s your choice, you ain’t “whipped”, what you are is taking control of your own life.
Wow, thanks for the positive support, even though some of you think I’m an idiot for smoking pot in the first place (which is true to a certain extent). I do know quitting will(or should) improve my life in the long run. Oh and Maastricht, put the knife down, apparently you have some issues with ‘insecure machismo’ but don’t take it out on me.
Daithi Lacha: way to sell out to the man. 