So here’s the story. My girlfriend used to smoke pot before she met me. I mean like every day all day. But before me, she had already cut back a lot but would still smoke at work. I told her how I feel about it and she knows I’m a clean guy and told me that she wouldn’t smoke any more.
Well, recently she came home a few nights in a row with bloodshot eyes. One night she was pretty giggly too. She told me the bloodshot eyes were because she showered with her makeup on, so I let it go. The thing is, it’s really been bugging me. I know the people she works with are all pot heads and smoke at work. One of her coworker/friends who is a real solid pot head even just moved back to town and told her they should smoke some time (my girlfriend told me that she won’t go smoke with her though). Her whole immediate family are or were pot heads too (including her dad, who is a whole nother story). Also, a few days ago she showed me this video about people smoking at work that was on some comedy channel online. Not sure if she was trying to see how I reacted or something.
I used to be pretty darn critical about smoking to her, but not for long, and after that I told her that I won’t be mad if she does smoke, I would just want her to tell me. I just feel though, that she wouldn’t tell me because I know she likes me a lot and has even told me before that she is really afraid that she’ll do something that will make me want to leave her (not out of the blue though, only when we end up fighting over something. we always get over it though).
Does it seem like she is telling the truth or lying? Am I just overreacting or do I have a fair reason to be worried? I just have this gut feeling that won’t leave me alone.
If she’s lying, what could I do to get her to tell me the truth before I find out from someone else. Honestly, I only want her to be truthful to me. I’ve even told her before that all I want is the truth if anything ever comes up that I should know.
In this situation, it is more about knowing the truth than what she is actually doing. If she is going to smoke either way, I would rather know than be lied to.
Ask her. Sincerely and directly.
Then, decide if you believe her or not, and go from there. If you don’t believe her, then move on. If you do believe her, well, then just let it go. Suspicion WILL kill any relationship!
There is the possibility that, though she is getting pressure from peers, she really wants to step back from the scene and, in the process, move closer to your lifestyle. Just because she’s being pressured doesn’t mean she’s going to cave.
On the other hand, just because she WANTS to move towards clean, doesn’t mean she won’t have a few setbacks. People are only human after all.
Unless you fancy turning yourself into her addiction councillor, or your relationship into a parent/child dynamic, both of which will be the death knell for your partnership, you need to step back and have faith that she will find her way. Even if she trips or stumbles a few times.
Encourage her when she’s doing well, compliment her on her efforts, that you appreciate how hard this is, etc. Hold hard to the belief that she is struggling but will win, as long as you can, and maybe you’ll see her rise to your expectation. All else seems madness to me.
Well in all my years of having friends that used various drugs and working in a drug and alcohol facility I can tell you that I have only know people to give up two “addictive” habits and continue to hang around with other users. Those two are cigarettes and alcohol. Personally I used to smoke and drink and, like many others that have given up, can hang around with smokers and drinkers without any problems.
I don’t know of anyone who remains clean yet socializes with the same drug users that they used to hang around with if the friends are still using.
You know she smoked when you met her.
You don’t get into a relationship hoping the other person will change, you get into a relationship because you like who they are now.
Accept her as she is or move on.
I don’t have much opinion, but welcome to the Straight Dope!
People lying in relationships is probably the death knell of the relationship. People feeling like they have to lie in a relationship is probably the death knell of the relationship.
I, for one, am deeply honored that you would choose this personal matter as the topic of your very first post.
Serious question: Why is it important for you to know?
You say you just want her to be honest, but in truth, you disapprove of her smoking, so she doesn’t want to be honest with you because it’s going to turn into a big fight, or you’re going to pout, or the next time you argue, you’ll throw it up in her face. So it’s easier just to deny it.
Well, now I’m curious… in what way is “the truth” different from “what she is actually doing”?
Indeed! When you have a question about a deeply personal relationship issue, the single best thing you can do is to go to a community where you’ve never posted before to ask total strangers.
This and what Sahirrnee said.
I don’t know why, but I feel like your girlfriend’s boyfriend isn’t being honest.
Uhhhh… what is this thread about again? 
I think he’s saying her telling him truthfully about it is more important than whether or not she’s doing it. This may or may not be accurate when all is said and done, but it’s not an uncommon sentiment.
So, he’d rather she was honest about breaking her word than be dishonest about keeping it. Got it.
I just want to know where the hell she works that everybody smokes pot all day.
So what kind of job does she have where she and her colleagues get to smoke pot all day?
And are they hiring? Asking for a friend.
Does she smell like skunk?