Last night my wife walked into our 16 year old daughter smoking marijuana through a home-made bong in her bedroom.
My ex is making a huge deal about it, and well, I’m not.
Both me and my ex also tried smoking pot at this age. Neither of us smoke anymore, me for paranoid issues and she for … I’m not sure: morality issues perhaps.
My ex blew up and said that major punishment is forthcoming, but she’s not sure what yet. She flushed the pot and destroyed the bong.
So, I was asked to have a serious conversation with my daughter and be all strict and mean and nasty, but I didn’t do that. No I instead told her that I couldn’t control what she did when she was out with her friends, but I could control what she did in my house, and I don’t want to see it in my house.
I talked about potential addiction, although we both thought this was unlikely. I mentioned that perhaps a lifestyle of smoking could be detrimental. We discussed possible addictive behaviours.
Ah, shit. After typing this out, I know I’m 100% correct and my ex is wrong. Convince me otherwise.
My kids smoked pot at 16. You handled it better than I did. Be kind, be understanding, be clear, and be informative. Most kids don’t respond well to parental freak outs.
Small, personal amounts of pot in Ontario are swept under the rug. No police services will care about your personal stash. Possession is still illegal, but no police service will charge you for a small personal amount. Trafficking is their focus.
I think you handled it right. Kids are going to try stuff whether we ever know about it or not. By sharing a conversation with her about it and not going off the deep end, she might feel able to talk with you first before she tries the next thing. And telling her but not in my house keeps you from the “friend” level and firmly in the parent role which kids secretly want anyway.
My concern with pot is primarily “where did you get the pot?” In other words, do they have to go to the sketchy part of town, or interact with sketchy people, or steal it from an older sibling who Will Not Be Amused, or put themselves in harm’s way to obtain the pot. Sometimes- not always- with drugs comes the wrong kind of people, and that would be my worry.
Secondary are the legal aspects. The police may not be concerned about a personal stash, but are they concerned about contributing to the delinquency of a minor, which is what you’re doing as a parent who allows their minor child to partake of illegal substances.
Your family has been through a lot this year. In your particular case, this may be more ‘self medicating’ and less ‘happy fun experimentation.’ Talk to your daughter about that aspect… find out why she’s giving pot a go. There’s nothing wrong in experimenting, but there is a problem with experimenting in order to escape from being overwhelmed by life events.
IMNSHO, if you’re stupid enough to smoke it in the house while the parental units are home, and are then SURPRISED when you’re discovered, you kind of deserve a punishment. Make some brownies, for god’s sake.
[In a huge rage]And just what, exactly, do you think you’re listening to young man?! First of all, what have I told you about low bit-rate MP3s? DON’T LOOK AWAY WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU! Now look, [trying to calm myself] you know you can come to me with anything. Don’t we subscribe to two music services in the house? Isn’t that enough? Didn’t I teach you how to use Archive.org? Yet you’re still pulling crappy 3rd-gen aud shows? I don’t expect you to go for a clean matrix every time, but please, think of your parents!
It’s going to be an interesting approach as he gets older. He’s only four, but since we’re already taking him to music festivals and the like he’ll definitly be confronted with choices soon enough. My biggest hope is that I’m able to help him understand the difference between the classes of drugs–the narcotics, synthetics, etc. and how to make good choices. Not that the other conversations here (e.g. law) aren’t extremely important too.
I explained to my son that I had started smoking pot at 13 years old and my education came to a halt at that point. I made sure he understould thats why I ended up doing maunal labor all my life. He never took an interest in pot booze or any other drugs. As an adult he is a hobby beer brewer but barely a drinker. More of a taster. Sometimes a bad example can be the best example.
I put a roof over your head and food on the table, clothe you and watch out for you for sixteen years. I put up with your damn moodiness and tried to teach you right from wrong. Clearly I have failed. Here you are alone in your room secretly smoking the reefer. Did you give any thought to how I would feel about this, you inconsiderate and ungrateful bitch. Don’t bogart the mj, pass it here, I’ve had a rough day at work. And that better not be my stash young lady.
My position would be that it’s better than smoking cigarettes (which is addictive and unhealthy) or drinking (ditto.)
If both of you used pot when you were her age, isn’t it hypocritical to make a huge fuss?
Why not try talking and explaining why you eventually gave up?
The main reason? For trying something that maybe 80% of the rest of the kids are doing? Come on.
This is why I am not even remotely panicking about this, It’s so prevalent in society that I completely expect kids to be exposed to it. It’s how they handle it that concerns me.
An occasional puff now and then like I did is not concerning. A full-blown addiction and disassociation with normal life activities is worrisome. Is it a gateway to harder drugs? Probably not, but I’m no expert.
If you assume small amounts won’t get her in trouble with the law, you’re kidding yourself, and yes, I also live in Ontario.
Facts are, one of the cruellest and most unfair things about our marijuana laws is that they are enforced on the whim of the arresting officer. I know a lot of people who got off as you implied, without serious consequences. But I also know a few people who got criminal records and expensive lawyer bills for very small amounts.
Failing to point this out, does your child a great disservice, I feel. Making such an assumption invites a costly (and I don’t mean just money!) life lesson for you both. Please reconsider this attitude for yourself. And please don’t pass this view on to her!
I was the least well adjusted among my friends, had a less good home life and poor grades - and I never smoked pot or did drugs. For all the fretting people do about it, I couldn’t see it having any negative effects except for people who had other problems - pot seems to be this sort of weird scapegoat, you might as well say people have problems turn out bad etc. because they drink soda.
80% of them do not smoke pot in their room by themselves. Smoking pot in your room by yourself is, to me, a red flag that she isn’t “trying” pot; she’s been smoking for a long time and it’s no longer a matter of “when my friends and I get together, sometimes we smoke pot” and it’s now more like “sometimes when I smoke pot, it’s with my friends”. Generally speaking, that’s a bad place, because your priorities are more around getting stoned than they are about anything else–you hang out with people because they are the ones you get high with, not because you particularly like them or admire them or anything.
This situation is not at all comparable to finding a joint in her purse when she’s on her way out to see her friends.
I mean, if it turned out she had a bottle of vodka hidden under her bed and was drinking mid-afternoon in her room by herself, wouldn’t you react differently than if she were drinking at a party?