This morning my daughter’s purse was in front of the chair I normally sit in, so I moved it with my foot. Out fell two lighters and a little wooden box. I knew enough from my wild teen years what the box was so I opened it. Sure enough it contained enough pot for about one joint. I confiscated all of it and hid it away. Later on I told her “some stuff” had fallen out of her purse and we needed to talk.
I’m not sure how to approach this and could use some advice. My daughter is 18 and an honor student. She has been suffering some minor depression lately (what came first the depression or the drug’s, I’m not sure). The problem is I don’t want to be hypocritical, while I really don’t think it is that big of a deal, given the right circumstances, it is still illegal and she is still in high school. I don’t want to ignore it because I can’t condone it at her age. Her father and I drink on the weekends and usually get a good buzz ourselves. We are not drunk but obviously we have had a few. How do I approach this without sounding like a parent who preaches “Do what I say and not what I do”?
Ouch. Touchy situation.
I think the best way to approach it is from a legal standpoint, not a moral standpoint. Not the “OMG You’re doing DRUGS” approach, but the “what you are doing is illegal” approach. Whether or not you or your daughter or I agree with the law (and I emphatically do not) it is still the law. Getting caught can have a very negative effect on her future, and she needs to be well aware of that fact. It could very well have an impact on what colleges she can get into, if she can get into graduate school at all, and any future jobs she could be considered for.
You might also want to ask her why she is smoking. If she has been depressed, maybe she needs to talk to a counselor. I’m not one of those who believe smoking a little pot will lead to a heroin addiction, but self-medicating can have bad consequences and set up bad habits.
Stay calm. If you come across as in hysterics or condemning, she will tune you out.
I think I would approach it via the depression you mentioned. You want her better, and drugs only mask the depression.
Other than that, make sure she knows you love her and want the best for her.
This isn’t about your clean hands, it’s about her well-being. If she’s not discreet enough to hide her stash better, she’s got a problem.
“Didn’t you smoke this when you were my age?”
“Wrong question. Ask me what would’ve happened if I’d got caught smoking it when I was your age.”
Your job as parent isn’t to be a pal, a confidante, a Gilmore Girl. It’s to teach her what society expects from her. What she does with this information as an adult is beyond your purview (and it sounds like she’s gotten by pretty well so far). The conversation might start with “I wasn’t rooting through your purse. This bowl and this thing that looks like nothing in the world but a stash box were on top and in plain view. Do you take this purse to school like this? Do you see why it’s a bad idea to make important decisions when you’re high?”
You’re under no obligation to confess your own teenage pharmaceutical adventures. Trust me, daughter only thinks she wants to hear about that summer you followed the Doobie Brothers on tour.
What we say in my family is, “You ever bring this stuff into my home again, I’ll let your Aunt Janis confiscate it. You know you’ll never see those buds again!”
Good God, if we parents were afraid to confront our children because of our own checkered past, we may as well give it up now.
People screw up. It’s learning from those experiences and trying to keep your children from making the same mistakes that make us good parents.
Be calm, tell her what you found, ask her why and how (and don’t believe for a second the old “It’s not mine, it’s a friend’s!”) and show her why it’s wrong and stupid.
Good advice here, for the most part.
This is not a huge deal, but it is not nothing either.
Right on the money.
Regards,
Shodan
Also, if she is taking medication for her depression, you and she should talk with a doctor about how that interacts with drugs (and probably alcohol). The effects of antidepressants are poorly enough understood that combining them with other drugs is probably a pretty bad idea.
I’m guessing that Qwisp’s point is that the “People screw up” argument would be hypocritical. The legal issue is much better tack. If she can’t even hide it from her own parents, she could find herself in some serious trouble.
I would use this opportunity to teach her about the long history of the use of recreational drugs and the excuses people use to rationalize their behaviours.
Teach her the fallacies in all the rationalizations; I need it to calm myself, it helps me to relax, I don’t really use that much, I don’t really need it. Teach her everyone who uses anything uses these excuses and rationalizations. Pot, prescription drugs, booze, tobacco,E.
Teach her that if she can’t be honest and own her actions then she’s not mature enough to use any drug!
Teach her that all drug use has consequences, when you choose to use drugs you choose to live with the consequences. With illegal drugs the consequences cannot always be foreseen.
But mostly tell her these are decisions you cannot make for her, she must make them herself. That you have a lot of faith in her intelligence and maturity and know that she’ll strive to choose wisely and aim for balance and moderation.
If there is an age when you can condone it, tell her that.
Almost everyone I know smokes pot. It is a mainstay of the current 18-25 generation, crossing boundaries of race, class, gender, etc. Not only that, it even crosses social group boundaries. Indie rockers do it, art people do it, hip-hoppers do it, hippies do it, Dave Matthews Band pseudo-hippies do it - pretty much all the alternative subcultures are saturated in weed. It’s just something that is everywhere.
I’m going to give my honest evaluation of the situation, as someone who grew up as part of a youth generation that has embraced weed wholesale: it’s not the drugs, it’s the person. What I mean here is, if you’re someone who’s already motivated, intelligent, and responsible, weed is not going to cause you problems. One of my best friends is a neuroscience student and programmer who I think will probably be a millionaire by the time he’s 30. He also smokes his weight in pot every day. But he’s still one of the most sharp, lucid, well-spoken, and intelligent guys I’ve ever met. The same goes for a lot of the people I know. Indulging in pot if you’ve already got your shit together, in my observation, is not going to hurt you.
But if you’re someone who’s not naturally motivated, intelligent, and clear-headed. you’re going to be this way regardless of whether or not you smoke pot. Pot is not some mystical and divine thing, it’s just a plant. It’s the person that matters. There are drugs that can drastically alter people’s personalities and fuck over their lives, but pot is not one of them. The people I’ve known who’ve had problems with pot smoking are generally people who just have problems period, and who would have gotten into something else if it wasn’t pot.
These are my observations. Maybe yours will be different, maybe not. But I say this coming from an environment where pot is everywhere, and not something that’s surprising or unusual to anyone. Just about everyone I know has a bowl in their purse, or their backpack, or their guitar case, or their laptop case, or their messenger bag, or their lifted Dodge Ram.
If I were a parent, what I would focus on would be the legal aspect of pot. It varies from place to place, but possession is a legal hassle pretty much anywhere. A small legal hassle is still a pain in the ass. I’d tell my kids: BE CAREFUL.
I don’t smoke and I never was into pot that much. But I have always been against the war on drugs. It’s a waste of money and resources IMHO. That being said I am going to take her out tomorrow and have a talk with her. I do not want to yell at her, but I want to know her mind set. I will not believe “It’s my friends” because I used that on my mom and believe it or not it worked (once). I know better.
I guess my main problem is how to convey to her that drugs are bad if you are using them as a crutch to escape emotional turmoil that is going on in your life (and what teenager does not have emotional turmoil?) But I do not believe a joint is any worse than an occasional drink. At eighteen I don’t think she should be doing either, and am confused on how to deal with the “You did it and turned out okay!” rational.I guess I’m not sure what punishment should fit the crime, I can’t ignore this but I don’t want to over blow it like my parents did either, to the point where she ignores anything I say on the subject.
For the most part, smoking pot is harmless, is not necessarily an indicator of any greater problem and will not have any physical consequences. Getting caught with a joint does not even carry any very significant legal consequences.
I don’t think catching a teenager with a joint is anything more to worry about than catching them with a beer (which is just as illegal for a teenager and which has far worse physical and mental effects).
If I ever catch my kids with weed (and I assume that I will), I will make sure they understand any legal consequences that could befall them as well as make sure they understand the difference between weed and drugs that are actually dangerous like alcohol and meth.
Telling them not to do has never stopped anyone, so I wouldn’t bother personally. I wouldn’t trip or make a big, dramatic production out of it (I would be hypocritical if I did, not just because of my own history but because I wouldn’t really believe what I was telling them). I would be honest and tell them that the worst consequences of smoking pot are getting caught (and even that’s not that serious for possessing small quantities), so don’t get caught, don’t get involved in dealing, and don’t assume that other drugs are going to be as harmless as pot. Actually, I would have probably already told them all this long before I found their stash.
Then I would confiscate their weed and properly “dispose” of it myself.
Actually, one caveat I would probably bring up is that smoking pot can arrest cognitive development in teenagers and it’s better to wait until they’re past adoloescence.
‘properly “dispose”’?
I think the best way to convey your thoughts are to tell her your thoughts. She’s an adult, for the most part if not totally from a screwy legal point of view, so offer her advice like you would to your eighteen year old self.
My wife just read my last couple of posts and she said, “Oh, so that’s how you think you’re going to handle it, is it? Well, I’ll have you know, we’re going to put on a united front and we’re both going to freak out. If you think we’re going to handle it any other way, you are sadly mistaken.” 
Well, there’s no need to just waste it. 
This is why I’m glad my parents split up right at the time that I started getting high. I know they would have done the exact same thing, even though my dad’s views are the same as yours.