Here’s the deal.
Well. That was really clueless of me. HERE’S the deal. MY DD is 15, soon to be 16. She left in a hurry to go out yesterday and forgot to exit her Blog journal. I was just about to close the page out when I saw the word “weed”. Yeah. Too early for gardening around here and all.
From what I can tell this is something fairly new - probably the last month or so. What do I do? On the one hand, I know that a certain amount of experimentation goes with being a teenager. I smoked myself in 10th and 11th grade and am not TOO warped. :dubious: On the other hand OH MY GOD MY BABY IS DOING DRUGS!!? I just want to do what’s best for her and keep her safe.
I sat here and thought for a while, and then went upstairs to hang clothes in her room. I looked into her eyes (dialated) and said “You’ve been smoking weed, haven’t you?”. Of course she denied it - who wouldn’t? I told her that I’m not stupid and she had better not be in a car with anyone that was smoking, and if I saw symptoms of this again Dad and I would have a talk with her.
I have a calm personality and don’t get upset over much. I don’t want to be TOO calm and seem to be condoning this type of thing. There just doesn’t seem to be much gained with yelling or threatening, either.
Advice, please? I would love to hear from the younger weed-smokers out there and also other parents about how to handle this.
No idea what advice to give, I just love the irony of your Dopername in this case.
Just be glad she isn’t dong the hard stuff, like alcohol. But if she IS drinking, try to get her to quit and stick to the pot (if she feels she has to use some drug).
Good luck.
Her pupils were dilated? Unless it was severe, that probably means nothing (and if it was severe, it probably isn’t pot). If her eyes were bloodshot, on the other hand. . .
What kind of use did the blog indicate? Smoked it with friends once or twice? Smokes it with friends regularly? Smokes it alone regularly? Weed can be habit-forming for some people, which is no good, particularly for a high school kid.
I’m ambivalent about how to approach something like this. On the one hand, occasional marijuana use is not good at that age, but it’s not a catastrophe, and the things you really have to warn against are habitual use and the use of other, more harmful drugs (including alcohol). On the other hand, that may send the message that you more or less condone recreational use, which may in turn make her more willing experiment. Hard to say; you know her better than we do, so you’ll probably have to fall back on your own best judgement in the end.
Good luck.
This is a tough one Purple Haze (oh, the irony). I don’t have kids of my own so I’m no authority but I think it’s best if you sat down and talked to her in a calm fashion. Tell her what you said here, that you want to do what’s best for her and keep her safe. That you don’t like her using drugs but you understand that teenagers like to experiment. I think it’s important that above everything else, she can come to you for help before she gets into trouble.
I think trust is very important in this situation. That you trust her to act responsibly and that she can trust you to not always be looking over her shoulder. Sometimes it’s best for a parent to not to know too much about what their children are doing, within reason of course.
I think it’s good that you told her not to be in a car with anyone smoking pot. In your talk with her, you should reinforce this and make sure that it includes drinking as well. Experimenting is one thing, being reckless and endangering herself and others is something else. I feel this is the most important point to get across.
You’re her parent. Talk to her like you would have liked your parents to have talked to you when you were her age. Confronting never did much for me. That can turn into rebelling and that can lead to dangerous things. Let her know that you love her and if she gets hurt, how much pain that will cause you. If you have a loving relationship with her, that will affect her more than anything.
I know this is easier said than practiced, but it’s the way I like to think I’d handle it. And keep an eye on her. Make sure her grades don’t start going downhill and she doesn’t start hanging out with shady people. But show her the trust.
Eh, I’ll probably get labled a bad Dad for saying this; but if my son’s when they get that old; I could care less. Of course I won’t let THEM know that.
As far as the speach I’d give my sons would be more focused on staying out of trouble as opposed to not smoking it. (i.e. don’t be walking the streets late at night, don’t keep it on you, know that it’s a gateway drug to looser drugs ect…)
But maybe I’m biased. The whole of my adolescent summers consisted of me and my buddies waking up in the morn, then trying to figure out how to make enough cash to buy a bag of weed, then buying said weed, then smoking said weed. Wake up the next day do it all over again. ect…
The way I look at it is: When I was a kid, Mom and Dad weren’t going to “scare” me out of doing ANYTHING I wanted to try or do. So I’m not going to be so arrogant as to assume I can do that to my children.
All I can do is give them the best of my wisdom and personal experieces and hope like hell the make the right choices.
The only counter measure I’ve taken so far is whenever we’re driving down the road and we see those guys in the orange jackets picking up trash; I always tell my kids: “Hey look sons, that what smoking the wacky weed will do to ya!!” They get a kick out of that. There are other little jabs I use similar to this one but you get the jist.
Personally, I recommend spanking.
Fear of the gods is a good thing for children. Getting mad at her may make her rebellious, but I suspect that a very mellow and impartial, “You broke the laws of the house and this is the punishment. We don’t mean bad by it, but every single time we catch you engaging in illegal behaviour, this will happen.” type thing will do the job nicely. So long as you stick to that and never go ballistic, nor ever give her a free pass.
Personally, I don’t feel that drugs are a wise thing to do at any age–but for a minor to be allowed by her parents to do so seems to me, regardless of those personal feelings, to still be inviting problems. High School students have already dropped half their brain in the trash can for the sake of coolness, which is inherently a dangerous enough position to be in without adding in drugs or forgiving parents.
But that’s me. Certainly, a million people cross the road without waiting for the light and almost never is that going to be an issue–still doesn’t mean I’m going to allow my child to add that extra 0.0001% of danger to her life just to spare 10 seconds of wait time that could just as well be spent enjoying the “changing of the seasons.” If she wants to do it, fine, but she’d have to wait until she’s 18.
Steal her stash.
That’s the way we do it down here 
I’m 16, I don’t smoke green, but I do drink to excess about once a month, when I’m at gigs. Personally I’d suggest talking to her openly about what you feel about her drug use, discussing the possible problems it can cause and just generally being open. I’m very open with my mother about these sorts of issues, and as her brother, and niece both smoke weed I think I’d be able to talk to her if I did, which would be helpful in case I felt I was becoming addicted, or getting into trouble. I speak with my mother openly on my alcohol use and sex life and feel this is an extremely helpful and positive position. If all else fails, I second TheLoadedDog 
As long as you don’t do what my parents did, you’ll be fine.
My dad:
“I tried it once, but I didn’t really notice anything, maybe I was too drunk?”
My mother (who grew up in Zimbabwe):
“My best day in college was that time I was dressed as the mascot, in a bearsuit, high on hash cakes.”
" I remember smoking weed in the doctor’s res after the night shift ended. We had to relax somehow, there was a civil war on!"
Don’t focus on drug use, focus on responsible behaviour, eg any sign of broken curfews, dropping grades or unsuitable friends and she’s grounded, loses the door from her room and telephone privileges.
You might not be able to stop her doing drugs or drinking, but you can try to make sure she’s sensible and responsible about her usage, although, to be honest, nothing really makes you wise up like a bad experience.
It’s 6:03 am and I can’t sleep. I glanced throught the rest of her Blog. As near as I can tell, the joint smoking started a couple of months ago. She has also had one or two drinking episodes, but they are few and far between. She’s in the 10th grade. Here’s what is rolling around in my head;
-
Do I tell my husband? If I do there will be much yelling from him, which we all hate. I never did see the point of the whole yelling thing. He gets mad and off he goes. If I don’t tell that’s not fair to him. How do I withhold my knowledge of her drug use from him? That’s just not right.
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I can’t say how I found out. I just told her that her eyes looked dilated, and that’s how I knew. How would you feel if, as a teen, your mom read your private journal? This hits close to home because my mom read my diary. It was very horrible.
There were lots of private thoughts in DD’s Blog that are none of my business. -
The last thing I want to do is seem like I’m condoning this behavior. If I don’t tell my DH, then it will seem to DD like I think recreational drug use is ok. Not for my 15 year old daughter, it’s not!
I want to protect her, and as kids get older that’s not really possible or even realistic.
I guess a better way to put it is that I want to guide her without being overbearing. She’s a good kid. I want to keep it that way.
I don’t know what you ought to do but I can tell you what I did. Marijuana is everywhere as is alcohol and kids will try it. I certainly did.
I tried to de-mystify the whole thing and not turn it into a big deal by telling her “OK, here’s the deal. You want to try this then just ask. No questions, no lectures, no problems. I’ll let you try this at home and with me if you like. The other part of the deal is that you don’t try these things outside the house.”
This seems to have worked. She’s 17 now, her grades are good, no pregnancies, no drugged-out friends, no big problems. (On preview, that last sentence sounds a bit complacent but isn’t intended that way.) We talk about other drugs and what they do for or too a person and the dangers involved. And yes, in case you’re wondering, about 6 months ago she decided to try some of this and asked.
Regards
Testy
I agree with irishgirl that you shouldn’t talk to your daughter about your personal experiences if you don’t want her smoking marijuana. My dad did a lot of hard stuff in college (worse than I ever did) and told me about it, and then told me not to do it. It didn’t exactly have a deterrent effect, as you can no doubt imagine.
I would, instead, focus on the side effects of marijuana use when you talk with her. If you don’t know about them, you should research them. The side effects are pretty scary, especially to a 15-year-old. Short-term memory loss, possible IQ loss, etc.
http://answers.google.com/answers/main?cmd=threadview&id=30105
If she knows that she’s messing around with her brain activity she may be less likely to overindulge.
Also, she must be getting the drugs from somewhere. Do you know where? Do you know her friends? Do you know where she goes at night? Does she have a cell phone, can you keep track of her? When my parents kept a close eye on me it kept me from doing certain stuff.
From my point of view, talking about the “side effects” of a drug is hardly a deterrent unless you can apply them to something. She’s probably been hearing about these side effects at an assembly at school once a year since she was in third grade and the effectiveness of that has likely worn off pretty quickly. Ever known someone who became a complete burnout and ended up living just to smoke the next bowl? That’s the guy you need to talk about. Most of the people I know have known at least one dude who smoked pot a couple of times and totally flipped out over how cool it was, thus deciding his mission in life was to smoke as much as possible.
Apply the bad aspects to a real-life situation and you’re more likely to deter usage. Of course, this is all hypothetical, as I’m a 27 year childless guy who has never himself smoked weed in his life. I’ve experienced enough second-hand for a lifetime, though.
Don’t tell him then. I think it’s sad that he doesn’t have the restraint needed to be a proper parent, but as you said - it won’t help to have him screaming at her.
If she writes about it on the internet for all and sundry to read, it’s not private. Perhaps she needs to put a little more thought into what she shares with everyone on the internet and what she doesn’t, but I don’t see how she could be expected any sort of privacy in regards to her blog.
I’m inclined to think you should look at the results of her actions, rather than trying to police her. You can tell her you found out, or not, but just make it clear that if she starts staying out all night, doing bad in school, or gets in legal trouble, that she’s gonna face severe consequences. I didn’t smoke in high school, but I know a lot of people who did, and who maintained good grades, and didn’t end up in trouble. Personally, I think a little selective ignorance in regard to drug use is probably best, but that goes back to my own personal pragmatism.
You’re right, it’s not realistic. Unfortunately, most parents don’t seem to understand that.
You can give her the same talk my mom gave me and my brother.
Explain to her that she’s old enough to decide to do this on her own, but that’s she’s also old enough to handle the consequences on her own, as well. Make it clear that if she gets caught by the police and arrested for this, that you won’t bail her out of jail or anything. Also, not to get in the car with someone who’s high. If she needs a ride home, she can call anytime and you guys will give her a ride home, no questions asked.
Well, they say pot is a gateway drug.
It’s only a matter of time until she’s hanging out with Negros.
Sounds like he’s the one who needs the weed.
Regardless of whether or not weed is harmless, etc., there is one overriding factor that I, as a parent, would consider paramount: weed is illegal and that makes it wrong. Period. For me, I would treat this in the same manner as I would if I discovered my kid was doing any other illegal activity. I’m not talking about a speeding ticket or somesuch here, folks - we’re talking about a kid partaking in an activity which consequence is possible jail time. Treat the situation accordingly.