Ok, so Im a stay at home mom with two sons, 15 and 17. I’m the one who bakes cookies, plans parties for their accomplishments etc and so forth. On Christmas Day, I find out that they have been smoking and vaping weed since February. I have been completely destroyed by this seeing as we’ve had all the discussions about drugs and their negative consequences. My husband is upset too, but is taking it much better than I am. He’s taken their phones, scheduled a doctors appointment to have a doctor share the medical concerns of weed and vaping on a developing mind. He’s also told them they will have to take random drug tests. But he’s watching football with them, interacting with them. I am not there yet. I am so hurt by this that I can’t even be around them without being angry. Is this because I had only one job? To raise them well, and I screwed it up? How can I get back to feeling warmth towards them?
I’m sorry this has kicked you in the gut but personally I’m not seeing the big deal. Yeah, smoking weed is not the best activity for teenagers but drinking would be a lot worse and if this is the worst rebellion they have you’re dodging a whole hail of bullets. It’s not a moral failing, they just like getting high, just like millions of other people. They’re going to have to figure out their relationship with various substances and deal with that all their lives and they’re working that out. They’re still your little babies, they just have a bit more THC on board than previously thought. I mean, they’ve been managing to keep it from you for almost a year, that means they’re managing pretty well. Maybe you might benefit from seeing a therapist to go into why this essentially harmless essay into grownup stuff is affecting your feelings towards your kids. It doesn’t seem proportional to fell like they’ve turned into werewolves because they blew some weed, y’know?
You haven’t screwed up. Kids are going to make mistakes, and must find their own way. Many, if not most, of the people who read this have done worse things and lived to tell about it.
That said, you are right that weed is NOT good for teenagers, and I’d be VERY concerned about them vaping it. That is killing people. Some people think weed is harmless, and occasional recreational use probably is for most people, but vaping it most definitely is not.
What your kids are doing is perfectly normal for their age. The NIH says that 12% of 8th graders, 29% of 10th graders, and 36% of 12 graders have used marijuana in the last year (cite: Cannabis (Marijuana) | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)). It’s appropriate for you to be upset and want to do something about it. I felt the same way when I discovered that my high school age son was using marijuana. But based on your OP I think you are overreacting and sending a TERRIBLE message to your kids – “if you screw up, I will reject you and stop loving you”. You need to engage with your children and talk to them about it. Remember that they are not doing this to hurt you.
Vaping, per se, is not the problem and is not “killing people.” Vaping flower is considerably better than smoking it and even vaping concentrates is fine–what they’re discovering is that some manufacturers are using Vitamin E acetate to stabilize and plump up their concentrates and that’s causing fat pneumonia. Adding in flavors is another culprit, as unaware manufacturers are using food flavoring additives that aren’t meant to be inhaled. There’s nothing inherent in the weed that’s causing problems, it’s poor manufacturing protocols that are to blame.
I think you’re over-reacting. Pot really isn’t that bad. In most ways it isn’t as bad as alcohol.
I agree about the vaping. Maybe explain if your going to smoke, try a hookah.
My kids don’t smoke but I talked to them about it and about drinking. I wouldn’t be heart broken if they did smoke pot. It has almost been a rite of passage for teens since at least the 60s.
The fact that children do things behind their parents’ back is not necessarily a reflection on their parents. They heard your concerns about weed, and they made a pre-adult decision to ignore your concerns - for whatever reason.
I’d find out the reason. Why are they smoking weed? Are they depressed? Are they feeling anxiety? No offense, but your husband’s approach is probably more productive because it keeps lines of communication (which is what you need) open.
It probably won’t be the last time they make decisions when you’re not around that you don’t agree with. Move on, and communicate. They might need some counseling sessions or something - or maybe they need better friends, which is something else you can talk about.
And I’m much less worried about what the kids are smoking these days–I had to get by with shitty Mexi-weed that was brown and probably sprayed with paraquat and every insecticide on the planet, kids these days get the good shit. Spoiled little boogers. 
Over reaction. You didn’t fail in raising your kids. They’re acting like normal teens, and normal teens don’t do everything their parents want them to, or not do the things their parents don’t want them to do. If you judge yourself as a parent based on what your teenage sons do then you are doing yourself a huge injustice.
Vaping is bad though, teach them how to roll and smoke a proper doobie.
Joints are too much at once tho, a nice little glass pipe is better. With a small bowl, to discourage overindulgence.
Very good idea to keep open the lines of communication, but also a good chance they’re smoking pot for no other reason than the enjoyment of smoking pot. When I smoke, it was why I did so.
And yeah as **SmartAleq **said, our pot was crappy from everything I’ve seen and heard.
One of my gf’s nephews was caught with weed last year. His mom was bragging to me xmas day about how good her son was now, he had tested negative each time they tested him!
Meanwhile, he was obviously high (as was I) while mom was telling me this. I made eye contact with him and started laughing, which got him laughing.
OP: providing a clean sample is easy-peasy. I’d reconsider the testing angle.
They were always going to be their own person.
I realize I come from an unusual family, but my parents were pot smokers, I obviously indulge and I have two kids–one likes it, the other never touches it. Now the 20-something grandkid is onboard as well, and his mom and I both worry about him, not because of smoking weed but because he drinks a lot and that’s really not good for his health and wellbeing. So that’s four generations of weed smokers in the family and every one of us is self supporting, healthy, happy and socially well adjusted. We manage our habits as adults do, have zero issues relating to our weed smoking and the only substance abuse issues in the family have way more to do with alcohol and nicotine (the non-weed smoking kid is a tobacco fiend!) and there’s one in-law who has more of a benzo/opioid preference than I find comfortable. Guess I’m just trying to say it’s not a big deal, but showing your kids your love is conditional is definitely a problem.
If this is the worst thing your kids ever do you have exceptionally well behaved kids.
I hope this thread isn’t going to turn into another vaping debate. Whether vaping is or isn’t bad for adults, the evidence is fairly conclusive that vaping or smoking anything is bad for teens. (So is drinking alcohol.) That doesn’t mean plenty don’t do it, but there’s no safety in numbers here.
OP, I can understand you’re being upset. Your poured everything you had into raising your boys. You sacrificed for them. Worked hard at being a good parent. You did everything right, and now this. Am I right in sensing you’re feeling betrayed by their decision to do weed? Have you also assumed that if you did everything right, your kids would never use?
Parenting has but one goal: to turn babies into competent adults who can think for themselves. But it’s a messy process as kids hit adolescence and start making choices. The real measure of parenting isn’t whether or not kids make bad decisions, as they inevitably will; it’s how you teach them to deal with those bad decisions. You and your husband have a good plan in place for handling this.
I don’t think you should just put on a happy face. Figure out why you’re feeling so angry (and betrayed?), then have a family talk where you tell your kids you’re angry and why. Encourage and listen to their responses. Resentment isn’t going to get you anywhere, and it’s not going to resolve anything.
Oy. Consider yourself piled on. 
Here’s the deal, speaking as a former teen and as someone who saw five of the little monsters through high school: You don’t take the blame for the mistakes THEY make, and you don’t get credit for their successes. They are not you, they are not part of you. They are not avatars of you 15-20 years ago that permit you to take a second crack at starting your life. They are their own humans just as you consider yourself to be. IME, parenting ends at around age 12. After that you’re a mentor. They aren’t going to obey you after then anyway unless they happen to agree with you, and you want them to develop an independent sprit so they aren’t lost without you. Your job is to be a trusted and trustworthy benefactor, and to be waiting there on the other side when they screw up to show them how to recover from mistakes.
And the random drug testing plan is stupid. Don’t do it. You’ll be undermining your relationship with the kids just so you can demonstrate your authority and control over them. They will not respect you for sticking to your guns, they will find ways to subvert the test, or just stare back at you when the piss hot and say, “Yeah? What are you gonna do now?” And what will you do then? Take another thing from them? Further restrict their privileges? Kick them out of the house so that when they turn to crime to make ends meet you can smugly exclaim how you always knew they were trouble and good riddance to them? Just…don’t.
Frankly…you should smoke up with them after dinner. I’m not even kidding.
Exactly. Exactly this. I quit my career to stay at home and gave them all I could. Reading books, crafts, all that. And I guess you nailed it. I feel betrayed.
Like they took my advice and said “screw you. Hope it hurts.” I know that really isn’t how it went, but…
They seem to be shocked at how I’m handling this. It led to a big blowout in my house that they were not expecting.
Maybe counseling is in order.
There’s nothing to make a kid who’s trying to be cool drop something faster than having their parents be okay with it so yeah, smoke out with the kids and they’ll quit in a hot second unless it’s something they just really like doing. I don’t think it’s in any way coincidental that with so many states onboard with recreational sales of weed and pot use being presented favorably in media that the kids these days are WAY less likely to get high than previous generations. I mean, really, that’s what OLD PEOPLE do!
You’re looking empty nest syndrome right in the face, this is probably a great time to get some assistance in getting over that hurdle. I’ve watched friends and family go through it after being super involved parents and some of them had an incredibly difficult time with seeing their babies fledge and fly. Good for you on recognizing that you’re having a hard time with it–it’s definitely a big change in life but it doesn’t have to be a negative one. Best of luck to you!