Son, it's not just about the drugs.

I know I’m not even your real dad, but you live in my house. And I’m sorry that you think it’s so patently unfair that I think a 16-year-old kid should not be blowing every dime he gets on pot, because I think most adults with a grain of common sense would be thinking the same thing. I know your bio dad thinks your MJ addiction is a swell thing. It would be particularly swell if your bio dad took you in and bankrolled your pot “needs.” Alas, just between you and me your bio dad is kind of a dick, seeing as he beat the hell out of your mom a couple times right in front of you–you are too young to remember this it appears–and has pretty much totally ignored most of the last 10 years of your existence, so even if he would take you in, which he won’t, I wouldn’t want you to go. So you are stuck with me. And my rules.

But son, much as I despise the fact you are bringing illegal substances into my house, I think what I despise more is what’s happened to you as a person. I remember a kid whose teachers tipped him to go to Ivy League schools and who impressed administrators with his hard work. Well, that was pre-pot, son. Now your teachers are telling us if you don’t get your act together you’re not graduating…from high school. You were doing impressive things in music and art. Now you sit in your room all day and watch the same YouTube videos over and over again. I remember a kid who liked doing stuff with his mom and his sister and me. Now you can barely be near any of us without picking fights over things. I know you’ve hit your sister during arguments. Felt like calling the cops over it but your good old mom wouldn’t let me. Like father, like son.

God knows I have tried to help you. We’ve taken you to therapy, to school counselors, to psychologists. And for all of them, you’ve got the same answer: you want more drugs. But not even theraputic drugs, you’ve asked for ridiculous stuff like oxycodone and morphine, as if any doctor who didn’t get their medical degree from the internet would prescribe those to a teenager. You say you’re “depressed”. Well I suppose if I had nothing staring me in the face but years of minimum wage jobs I’d be depressed too. We, the counselor, and the psych have all tried to get you help for your “depression”, but then you just end up lying to avoid help. Your first counselor told us in three sessions you never once mentioned the depression you tell us about regularly…or the drugs for that matter.

Son, the most frustrating thing is I have never seen a kid with as much potential as you. You’ve got two adults in your life who love you and are always there to provide for you when you need them. You’ve got loads of friends, a loving girlfriend, you’re immensely talented in music, you are incredibly smart, and for most of your life you have been very streetwise. But the pot is making you make decisions which are just fucking dumb. The latest stupid thing was when you managed to wangle 50 bucks from your grandmother (who has been told not to give you money for this very reason) and spent it on a hydroponics kit that looked like it was made by Hasbro. Then you, who usually watch tracking notices like most people watch TV, contrived to go straight from school to a friend’s house the day it showed up on our doorstep. Obviously when we got home to a box that had “HYDROPONICS KIT” in huge letters on it we were not pleased. You, showing the pleasant attitude you have been known for lately, screamed at us that we must have opened a box that was, oh my stars, not addressed to us, and somehow much have misunderstood, because obviously you were planning to grow tomatoes this winter, and you went into a bit of a sulk. As in, disappeared for 48 hours. We were ready to call the fucking cops on you. I would have hoped you weren’t riding dirty (well, walking…we are not crazy enough to let you anywhere near a motor vehicle until you get any common sense).

So son, you are pretty much on your last chance with us. Trouble is, our options are kind of limited. We’ve already taken away pretty much everything of yours you enjoy, including your computer and all your data plans. You’ve already run away once so we’re kind of walking a fine line with more punishment. We can’t ship you to your abusive bio dad because he doesn’t want you. All I foresee for you, frankly, is that you do something dumb enough to get caught. You already once thought a good hiding place for your stash would be under the bushes in our front yard where we could actually see it from the driveway. I’ve told you once, I’ve told you again…you can sit in juvie for a while. It’s going to cost me enough to bail you out, I want you to suffer a little too, because I’ve had it.

A couple months ago, in a bit of lucidity, you said the worst thing in your life was losing your bio dad. Well let me tell you, you are on the verge of losing your second dad. My mental health is gone, in large part to having to deal with you and the constant stress and fighting in my home. I do not want the cops finding illegal stuff in my home and finding myself in legal trouble because of you. My own psychologist and therapist have recommended a minimum of three months disability because of work stress. But I’m thinking of a different kind of “family leave”, son. I’m sorry that’s the way it’s going to be, but you never listened to anything I had to say anyway.

It’s sad to see marijuana ruin another life :confused:

Shut the fuck up, Donny. You are out of your element.

– Walter Sobchak

I’d suggest Al-Anon, or Nar-Anon, for people affected by the drinking/drugging of family and friends.

Chronic use of mood-altering chemicals is usually a bad thing for the adolescent brain. It certainly delays proper maturation at best, and can impair the development of decent impulse control and emotional stability.

Otherwise, it sucks, but take care of yourself first, or you won’t be able to care for anyone else.

I wish Hasbro made hydroponics kits when I was a kid. I just got stuck with Lincoln Logs and My First Crackpipe.

You can test for THC at home, kits are at regular drug stores these days. Any chance of a heart to heart that won’t make him run away, get him to lay off the weed for one month with testing to back it up, and if he can do it, see how he feels at the end of that time? Present it as a challenge? I bet you can’t lay off the weed for 30 days. If you can, we’ll see how you feel and if you can keep doing it, start getting privileges back.

If he can’t do it, I got nuthin.

Underage drug use is one thing and I’m sorry for that. But do you want him to blow all his money or not? :cool:

I suspect the root of the issue is a 16 year old with a father that doesn’t want him and a dad that doesn’t have the right to tell him what to do.

I had a rough time at this age and my family situation was near ideal. Now I’m a new father and I sympathize, I really do.

You don’t divorce children. He will always be your son. The thing is, he won’t help himself and he won’t let anybody else help him.

Being a step dad is rough, we don’t like to be seen as failing. I had a similar issue with my 16 yo step son and in the end I kicked him out. I made sure he had a softish place to land but i do know as a step dad we sometimes are softer on the kids than we should be and yes he came back eventually and is now a raging success.

If you can raise a kid to majority in America and your biggest worry is he smokes a lot of pot? Count your blessings and have a nice cuppa.

I worry more about hyper-caffeinated “energy drinks”, texting and driving, and butt cramps from ten hour GTA Five marathons. If the kid is sliding into prescription pain-killers, booze, or meth, yeah, you gotta make a move. But short of that?

Just remember: if he’s in his room puffing some weed and tormenting an innocent guitar or causing virtual mayhem on the Box, you may not much like it, but you know exactly where he is.

Sometimes called Narcanon. Do not do Narconon, that is a Scientology front.

Pot isn’t bad, it won’t lead to crack, it won’t kill you. But certain people get pulled in completely, and it becomes their lifestyle. My sympathies, there is no easy solution.

I think the point is that he used to torment his guitar (or whatever) and now ignores it.

The assassin of youth!

Seriously, show him this.

If I may offer some (incredibly unqualified) advice: trying to make him quit pot is probably not going to work. You’re much better off trying to form his use - try to get him to have at most a joint or two every week, or buy him a dimebag as a reward for doing something significantly good. Try not to communicate “weed is evil” - as much as you want to, as much as you may believe this, it’s not working. And unless you’re planning to actually send him to Juvie, there’s not much else you can do about it, by your description.

You don’t buy more drugs for a drug addict, Budget Player Cadet.

And yes, he IS an addict. His drug use is clearly interfering with his life in significant and unhealthy ways. He’s exhibiting drug-seeking behavior not just of pot but of other substances, he’s conning people out of money, he’s lying, and he’s engaging in behavior that could cause legal problems not just to himself but to others.

This is NOT healthy!

Don’t excuse this by saying “pot isn’t that bad” and “at least you know where he is” and “it’s not meth”. That’s like excusing someone getting puking drunk every night with “at least alcohol is legal” and “at least he’s getting drunk at home instead of driving a car in that state”. This kid’s pot use is screwing up his life and causing problems for others. He has A Problem.

This is what teenagers do. Time to chill the fuck out. Throwing the kid out will harm his future. He’ll probably give it up, like the rest of us do.

What bothers me about the OP is that he doesn’t seem to care about the kid - only about his authority being challenged. Calling the police? I would definitely need some drugs if I had to live with an ogre like that.

It’s what some teenagers do. Most teenagers do not in fact do this.

Probably. The challenge is keeping him from fucking up his life in the meantime.

Sorry - did you read the same OP the rest of us did? Because this is entirely about keeping the kid from ruining his own life. Being frustrated at one’s inability to help someone in trouble does not equate to “I want to run that person’s life because I’m a control freak”.

I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on what constitutes an “ogre”.

As for what the OP can do…consulting a professional organization such as the abovementioned ones for advice is probably a better idea than asking us (not that the OP actually asked us). At this point, if there’s anyone the kid still respects a full-scale intervention may be required (including teachers, friends, family, etc). If that’s not an option and he gets arrested, court-ordered rehab may be required (but beware “drug courts” if you’re in a state that has them - they can be dangerous things).

And maybe there’s nothing at all to be done but to wait and let the kid make his own mistakes, hope that he comes out the other side with minimal damage, and just be there for him when he’s ready to talk and/or listen.

I didn’t see psychiatrist mentioned. There are two possibilities:

  1. He is a total loser with no hope or future
  2. He has a serious mental problem like ADHD/Depression

If he is #1, there is really nothing you can do

If he is #2 - well there is. Plenty of people with depression or ADHD self medicate - they do this cause it makes them feel better. If you have never been there - you can’t understand. Oxycodone/pot may be one of the few things that makes him feel better. Opiates used to be used as an anti depressant - well they still are - just not legally :slight_smile:

If he gets bored easily - he could have ADHD - some estimates put substance abuse among them at up to 60%. If treated properly with stimulants - the substance abuse often goes away.

The fact that you put “depression” in quotes leads me to believe you don’t buy it at all. I’d not be interested in help when I was a kid for it cause I didn’t understand I had it, but it would be much worse if other people didn’t believe me.

I’m not saying this excuses his behavior - but this is almost exactly how someone WITH real depression and/or ADHD would behave.

And taking away everything he enjoys isnt going to make him want to listen to you.

I don’t really have much in the way of suggestions - as if he does have a serious mental problem (which I’d bet big money he does) - it isn’t always easy to treat, but he would need a PSYCHIATRIST (technically any MD will do, but they are somewhat limited in dealing with ADHD - if it is that). He does likely NEED drugs.

ETA: oh and if you really think the reason he is depressed is cause he is looking forward to a life of minimum wage jobs - that is 100% not the reason he is depressed. I’m hoping that is just a smart ass remark on your part - and not your understanding of the situation. Whether he is a loser or has a mental problem - neither group is thinking that far ahead - or cares.

That’s one sad story,** Cognoscant**. I feel for you.
It must be hell to be stuck living with someone who’s destroying their life, especially when it’s someone you care deeply about.

That said, you do love this kid, right?
You do consider him your son?

Because this kind of gave me pause:

It . . . errm . . .
Those words seem to express the notion of bad blood, which is just wrong.
It’s certainly not something you should ever say to a kid who you’re trying to win back (or even any little shit that you couldn’t care a rat’s arse about, for that matter).

As for Biodad, is he perhaps becoming the “cool” parent?
If he is objectively and clearly a loser, I think thats something your kid needs to be made aware of.
I know it’s often said that you shouldn’t talk trash to a kid about their *other *parent, but if the other parent is becoming a negative influence and it’s the kid’s future at stake, I think it’s justifiable.

I think it’s at least fair to point out to your son what an arsehole Biodad was to beat his (son’s) mother and how it destroyed his (Biodad 's) marriage, by way of cautioning your son about the consequences, of violence. Stressing, of course, that your son doesn’t have to go that same way, and that that’s not what you want for him.

OK. I got nothin’ else, and this sadle is beginning to chap my arse, so I’ll just mosey on.

I really hope things turn around for you.

You’re reading into the OP what you want to imagine it says so that you can rant against it.
We all do this sometimes.
I’m doing it right now.
It’s why we come to the pit.
It’s why we are jerks.