I know right? My kids barely drink. The legal one really almost never. My son nothing bad. It seems like doing stuff we all did or do reduces the rebellion factor and makes the act seem uncool. After all if I did it, no way the act is cool.
Yes. And for the record, four of my five went through a period where they were deliberately hurtful to the parents. It’s a phase, probably normal, and probably plants the seed of regret that heralds introspection & empathy.
Exactly! I did SCA with the younger kid and advised him that alcohol would be easy to get into but if he ever got sloppy drunk and ended up getting us kicked out of an event that would be the last one he attended so he learned how to drink responsibly and not be an asshole about it. Nowadays he’s in his forties and aside from cigarettes he’s basically straight edge–teach kids moderation early and the lesson stays with them forever.
Listen to everyone telling you this is no big deal. Get over it as quickly as you can and get back to being a loving concerned parent, and now one with a broader view of life. Do you remember all the times your children made you proud?
I do, Tripolar. But those proud images are being marred by the images of lost trust and anger
Heh, yeah. My kids are different than me. I smoked weed in my teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and now 60s. I love it and feel it has enhanced my life. I drink daily. Meanwhile, my daughter will have a glass of wine with dinner, but that’s it. My son will have a beer with me to be sociable, and he’s tried weed, but didn’t like it.
And tbh I have no one in my area with similar experience. Everyone is going on about how great their kids are…smart, motivated, responsible and trustworthy. No drug experience at all. Isolated here
If that’s the case, they’re all lying.
OK, maybe not “lying”, but definitely"putting their best foot forward". All kids screw up; so do all parents.
What exactly is the issue with what your sons did? Is it the fact that they were smoking/vaping? Is it the fact that it was weed? Is it the fact that they concealed it from you? Figure out what it is that you’re angry about, and address that.
[ul][li]If it’s the fact that marijuana is illegal where you live (which it almost certainly is for minors), then address that fact.[/li][li]If it’s the health issue, then address that (which it sounds like your husband is doing).[/li][li]If it’s not so much “what they did”, but the fact that they hid it from you, then talk to them about “trust”.[/ul][/li]And I’ll echo the statement above; forget about the random drug testing. All that does is guarantee to your sons that you do not, and never will, trust them.
I think punishment such as drug testing will only break any bond of trust. There are many ways to mask that, anyway.
At least they weren’t drinking. No one has ever died from smoking pot.
You are “done with” your sons because they smoked weed? Yes, I do think counseling would do you some good.
Yep. Your boys are the only ones in the neighborhood doing this. In fact, they’ve been growing their own and distilling out the vaping liquids on the downlow because there’s nobody else in town they can go to for the stuff. And they figured out what weed was, and the myriad ways to ingest it, all on their own. No demand = no supply, after all. Or…they learned it at school from kids who’ve been keeping their parents in the dark just a little better than yours have kept you.
Definitely counseling.
You’ll get over that. Something worse will probably make you forget about this, and I say that because it’s not really a big deal and the worse thing probably won’t be that bad either. And even if it is they’ll still be your kids and you’ll still love them.
They’re lying or they don’t know. Don’t measure yourself by other parents that way, they are absolutely biased and they aren’t airing their dirty laundry in front of you.
Are their grades on point? Are they still living up to their responsibilities?
If so, then I think your kids are doing just fine.
Also, let’s get past the myth that kids need to be depressed or stressed to consider trying weed. When I tried it at 12 years old, I did it because I was curious. Nothing else.
I completely agree with this - drug testing is punitive and, as noted here and upthread, super easy to fake a clean test. Also, if you flip out over this, they might hesitate to disclose other, potentially more serious, mistakes.
That said, as a fellow mom, I can totally understand your sense of betrayal, embarrasment and rage. We never want to believe our kids would do something like use drugs recreationally, particularly after we’ve gone through so much painstaking effort to make sure they know all the facts. And it’s so isolating because you feel like because they’ve fucked up so royally you can’t tell anyone because that’s one of those things that “other kids” do, not yours and that your parenting skills will be called into question. (Edited to add something I think you need to hear: you’re a good mom. You really are.)
But like mentioned earlier, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that those kids whose parents think they’re angels are just way better at hiding it.
Counseling may be a good idea, if only for yourself. And I don’t mean that in the sense, “there’s got to be something wrong with you for losing your shit,” but in the sense, “this is a lot to take in, get someone neutral who can help you untangle your thoughts.”
If it helps, I recently went to a counselor for a somewhat similar reason. It didn’t fix the problem, but it did help to have someone with some authority tell me that what happened was normal and give me a framework within which to think about it.
At least they weren’t going to jazz concerts and dancing with black people.
Yet
I can understand worrying about the effects of drugs on a growing mind. But if you are too strict with your kids, they’ll just become wild when they turn 18.
They deceived you and smoked some pot? Get over yourself. I went through a daughter’s pregnancy and abortion and forgave her. I went through two of my sons not speaking to me for years after I divorced their mother. I forgave them and we now have good relationships. My third son was an opioid addict and an unrelenting alcoholic who allowed it to kill him. I haven’t forgiven him yet, but I will. I envy you. I wish to christ it had only been pot I had to deal with.
I’m sorry about your son, Chefguy. And that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. That my sons will also be opioid addicts and will eventually succumb to it. Isn’t that a valid concern? I don’t get why I’m getting shit for this.
This, for certain. If you’re convinced that your sons are the only ones among their peers who are smoking pot, you are almost undoubtedly incorrect. Odds are incredibly high that a lot of their peers are drinking, smoking weed, and having sex (a fair number may well be doing harder drugs, too). Frankly, it’s what a lot of teenagers do, even those from “good families” with good parents.
It’s possible that some of their parents are oblivious to it, but it’s much more likely that the parents just don’t want to admit it publicly, because it isn’t part of that “perfect family” vibe that they want to portray to the world.
yeah. I’ve no advice, but the amount of smugness and condescension in this thread is appalling.
Look, you’d be getting REAL shit if anyone suspected you weren’t concerned about your kid getting deeper than you could help with. What’s going on in this thread is the equivalent of the rolleyes a mom of 5 gives to a new mother feeling like a failure because the brat got diaper rash.
It’s all said with different kinds of tones, but I guarantee you nobody commenting was ever “proud” their kids got into the devil’s lettuce, the liquor cabinet, or their age-appropriate gender of choice person from down the street. Kids are gonna do that, and frankly a parent should be a little uneasy if none of it ever comes up, but it’s more a rite of passage than the crisis you painted it to be. That’s all. Well, and what overlyverbose said. You care, you’re a good ma.