Your feelings are valid.
The idea that marijuana leads to anything but more marijuana is, however, not valid.
The growing acceptance of weed as a recreational drug proves that idea wrong.
Add me to the list of people that think maybe you need to talk to someone about why you are taking this as such a personal affront. From what you posted here it seems like you are probably a good parent. I had good parents too, but all their good advice about life went out the window when I got together with my friends. (Well, not all of it.) I tried pot, liked it and smoked a lot of it in my teens and twenties. Then I kind of outgrew it. I still smoke it once in a while, maybe once or twice a year, at parties if someone offers but haven’t bought or possessed any for myself since the 80s. I haven’t achieved a lot in life but not because I smoked pot when I was young and I have known highly successful people that have smoked pot for decades. If your kids are doing OK in school and socially and have activities and interests other than being high all the time I wouldn’t sweat it too much.
One thing that seems reasonable to me is to suggest that if you have reason to think they are getting high they won’t be driving your vehicles or be on your car insurance. If applicable.
I have a friend. When her daughter was in high school she was damn-near perfect. Straight A student at the governor’s school. Ballet dancer. Beautiful. Confident. She got a full scholarship to an excellent university, where she did very well.
Fast forward to today. She’s in her late 20s. Unemployed. Alcoholic. Credit card thief. Self-absorbed and hateful. Attracted to the very worst men. I suspect all the drinking has fucked up her brain.
My friend did everything right with her daughter. But her daughter’s dealing with demons that have nothing to do with her.
Try to get some perspective here. You don’t know what “everyone” has got going on behind closed doors. And if “everyone” isn’t dealing with shit now, they will inevitably deal with it later. If the worst you have on your hands is some weed, count your lucky stars.
Put it another way. They’ve been smoking pot for 10 months. Presumably you were around them for those 10 months and you didn’t notice. So maybe pot doesn’t have that big of an effect.
Because you are describing a kid smoking weed as a ‘drug user.’ I mean, technically, yeah, but would you be using the same description if it was nicotine or alcohol that they were using?
Point being, in today’s age, marijuana is not thought of as a hard drug, such that it portends a lifestyle of risk, debauchery, and harm. Research reflects that it’s not necessarily a gateway drug, and claims of long term debilitation are overdone. There’s no evidence your kids are heading to opiate addiction.
Having said that, I do agree that teenage brains don’t need to be getting high, so I don’t begrudge you forbidding it and punishing them.
But do try to keep it in perspective. They aren’t bad kids all of a sudden; they didn’t turn to the dark side. There is a very very good chance that they will continue with their good grades and extra-curriculars and thrive as they’ve always done.
So, go ahead and punish them, but there’s no need to turn it into some complete shift in your relationship. In fact, maybe you can relate: I’m guessing that weed was never your thing, given your reaction, but perhaps you snuck out of the house without your parents knowing, or lied about who you were with while you were out, or snuck some wine coolers with your friends. Think of those times when you talk to your kids - as a teen, you probably weren’t thinking horrible thoughts about your parents when you did such deviant things; you were just trying to have some fun.
I agree that smoking pot is pretty ordinary these days and I think the OP’s reaction is more from what she sees as betrayal of her values than the use of pot itself. This generation of parents and children is so close to each other that the inevitable move toward independence can be a shock. My generation kept secrets from our parents, lived in a world of our own, and frankly, couldn’t wait to be out of the house and away from supervision.
[My bold] Having said that, vaping IS dangerous and people have died from it. Pulling smoke into your lungs is bad enough, but with vaping, you’re not quite sure WHAT you’re taking in.
Sorry. I’m still easily triggered on these sorts of things. Wonder if I’ll ever get past it.
Anyway, I’m sure you already know this: a drink doesn’t lead to alcoholism; a joint doesn’t lead to opiate or heroin addiction. There is a case to be made for genetic disposition towards these things, but if this isn’t a chronic problem in your family (no pun intended), your kids are ahead of the game. There are any number of awful things out there that can lead to dependency, from injuries to clinical depression, but experimenting with pot or booze isn’t on the list.
Sounds like you’ve worked hard on their character development and I’m sure that they are devastated that they’ve wounded you. Make up with them, let them know that you still love them and always will, and mete out an appropriate punishment so they know there are consequences for their actions. Then move past it.
Love your sons and talk to them without recrimination about pot. It isn’t a gateway drug except in the concept it might put people in contact with dealers that sell harder stuff. Smoking pot is something that 70%* of adults below the age of 70 have done. I smoked for a bit when I was between ages 15-25, I stopped for a variety of reason. I was in more danger from some overindulgent nights with alcohol than pot could ever come close to making me.
Pot is a minor drug, it has few ill effects. It makes you mellow, not hostile. You don’t want to jump off roofs, it doesn’t make you think you can fly, you don’t speed down the road while high, mostly you ride a couch and think you’re thinking deep thoughts or laughing really hard at comedies.
What are the laws in your state? Have you ever tried Pot? Have you at least educated yourself on it? This is a far cry from “real drugs” like Heroin or Meth. It really is less dangerous and less habit forming than alcohol. Far less dangerous than tequila. 
Kids will experiment, if it is only pot, you’re getting off easy.
- Yes, I just pulled that number out of my ass, but it is probably close to correct.
Actual number: 52%. But, as that’s from a poll, and two years old, it would not surprise me if the true number is a bit higher, as there may well have been some poll respondents who were unwilling to admit having smoked pot at some point, as well as the fact that the recent growth in legalization has created some first-time users.
Actually, that poll doesn’t cover what I said. I said adults below age 70. But I can’t find a poll or survey to support my 70%. But we do know there is an age point were people who used pot drops a lot. So maybe we can compromise and say it is closer to 60%?
the first time I tried pot I was 13 and my physical problems were bothering me mom and stepdad bpot smoked daily …stepdad handed me a loaded pipe and said “try this” and i did and finished it and when I woke up a few hours later id felt better than I did in a month
But I only smoked moderately because i lived around people who had to smoke 3 bowls to get up in the morning and decided i didn’t want to be that type of person… although my vice was drinking … i found out i have a dangerously high tolerance for booze…
Sounds reasonable to me.
For the OP: I can’t really add anything beyond the advice already given in this thread. Teenagers do experiment – even good kids from good families – and they often try to hide this fact from their parents, who worry an awful lot about their kids. I suspect it’s hard to realize this at this moment, but all that this means is that your family is typical, even normal.
Well, she was a good Mom.
Up until she was “done with” her sons because they smoked a little pot.
I agree that counseling would be a good idea.
Look back at the OP. The title is about your sons, but nearly every sentence there begins with “I”.
Well, Tim, I’m using “I” because “I” am the one posting on a message board with “my” feelings, “my” conflict with the situation. Stands to reason to use “I,” no? Reading thru the thread you can see my kids feelings’ on the subject are addressed. ��
I think of adolescent deviance like a pressure cooker; better to let off a little steam or it might explode one day.
I’m a prime example. I never went out, never drank or did drugs, honors student, a total homebody…I didn’t even try alcohol until my 21st birthday.
But I was so drunk that I don’t remember that birthday. And it led me on a multi year effort to “make up for lost time” by trying any drug I could get my hands on before I finally settled into a crack cocaine habit. (I got better ;))
So I’d much rather a kid act out in their teenage years than suppress their urges and try to be a perfect kid.
Having said that, I do think that there is an important role for the parent to play. It’s ok to tell your kids that some activities aren’t appropriate at their age. I personally suspect that kids growing up want and crave boundaries even as they instinctively try to push them. The alternative - parents who just don’t care what time you come home or what you do - put enormous stress on the kids and aren’t doing them any favors.
So the OP should, in my opinion, explain to her kids that their bodies are in a time of great change, and that this is also occurring internally, including in their brains, and that weed at that age is counterproductive. And, of course, smoke in your lungs is unhealthy. And bootleg vapes have caused people to get really sick. And you need to show respect to your parents, who, after all, are paying the bills. And other such reasonable reasons that weed is not allowed.
But I hope she doesn’t think that this means her kids are anything but typical kids, and react accordingly.
When I was a very young woman my mother accused me of being a lesbian and using my sexuality as a way to “get back” at her for something. It was at that point I realized she’d been saying things like this since I was in junior high. If I did something she disapproved, or if my opinion of something was drastically opposed to hers it was always “why are you doing this? why do you hate me? do you want my friends to know this about you?”
And I realized what a controlling and self-centered woman my mother was. None of this was about her or about how she raised me, it was about ME living my life through things I’d learned. She couldn’t handle that she hadn’t created a little automaton to parrot whatever she’d programmed into me and she spent the rest of her life trying to make me feel guilty for having my own identity.
Fine, be pissed at your kids for using pot before they’re legally allowed by law, ground them, lecture them, whatever. But stop making this about YOU and YOUR LIFE and YOUR DREAMS and YOUR MORALS because guess what, ain’t none of this about you…except for whatever common sense you’ve instilled in them. IF you’ve instilled anything other than guilt and resentment by now, I mean. I’m serious here, you are just like my mother.
This is the part I’m wondering about. OP, you’re entitled to feel angry at your kids for this, and part of the shit you’re taking is just because of unrealistic sentimental cultural expectations about how mothers are supposed to love. But that’s not the whole story here.
AFAICT, your sons’ misbehavior isn’t really a “betrayal” because there is no agreement that they signed onto that they can betray. That agreement seems to exist only in your own head, in the form of some unspoken bargain with fate.
On some level, do you feel that you made some kind of “deal” that you would sacrifice your career and devote yourself to nurturing your kids, and in return for your sacrifice, your kids would turn out fine and not disappoint you and make it all worthwhile? Because if so, I regret to have to inform you that that contract isn’t worth the imaginary paper it’s written on.
Mind you, AFAICT your kids do seem to be fine and non-disappointing in many respects, and it well may be that the pot thing will turn out to be just a temporary youthful rebellion and nothing to worry about. But I think what’s freaking you out might be the realization that your sacrifice didn’t actually guarantee that you’d have nothing to worry about.
You were offering up part of your life and personal fulfillment in an attempt to secure the safety and well-being of your sons, and you are now realizing that that imaginary deal is not to be depended on, and so you’re feeling betrayed. But it wasn’t your sons who made that deal with you. Nobody actually made that deal with you.
Declanium, I’m not sure why you’re getting such shit here, either, except that people tend to respond based on their own views and experiences (adolescent and adult).
You’re seeing your sons’ use of weed as basically an “F— YOU!” after all your cautioning. I mean, you told them. Why would they ignore you and use cannabis if they weren’t, in essence, flipping you off? The answer is because their experience of the world can’t be filtered through your teaching. It’s not that they’ve scoffed at what you’ve said; odds are they haven’t. It’s that they have to start questioning. It’s an important part of the maturation and separation they need to become independent.
So here they are, bored teens (Because teens in general tend to be bored and feel they’re missing out. I always think of Springsteen’s “There’s something happening somewhere/baby, I just know that there is.”) Their friends are smoking and vaping and truly having a great time. There’s an assumption of invulnerability because their frontal cortex is under construction. There’s a natural attraction to thrill-seeking: bungee-jumping, crazy amusement park rides, etc. And yes, there’s peer pressure. During adolescence, kids start switching their primary allegiance from their parents to their peers.
This really is a good opportunity for you and for them. Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them you feel betrayed. Listen to them without judgment (the hard part) so you can learn. This is the difference between childhood and adolescence: in childhood, kids don’t understand the world and rely on parents as their guides; in adolescence, kids think they understand the world and recognize their parents, having been raised in a different time, don’t understand it–or them–in the same way they do.
Try to bridge the gap. You won’t be sorry.
The thread title is quite provocative. OP has declared she is completely writing off her children because they disappointed her. That is the emotional reaction of someone who is not much more mature than the teenagers she is condemning. Sorry, but that very much deserves some shit reception.
So you’re going to rip OP based on a literal reading of the subject line, then go off and invent your own armchair psychoanalysis to justify why you think you’re entitled to pile shit on? It’s clearly the venting of a frustrated parent, but you’re just adding to the smug condescension as if you’re acting like it’s her fault for not reading through the “How To Be A Parent” manual we all get handed to us which has all the answers for everything.