Yes.
I stand by what I wrote.
I was not addressing you. I wasn’t even addressing the OP. I was answering the question, posed several times in this thread, of why people were giving the OP shit.
Your reaction concerns me more than their actions.
I’m sorry that you are going through this pain, and not getting the support you’re looking for.
I’m of two minds about your dilemma. First, the vaping and the weed stuff isn’t all jokes and laughs, so your fears are not irrational. Teenagers are putting themselves in the hospital with this stuff. A lot of the posters here are older and may only be superficially aware of how much things have changed. Don’t let them make you feel like a hysterical person, because you aren’t. Vaping of unregulated substances (including THC and CBD) is an emerging public health problem that is unlike anything we’ve dealt with before.
But the other part of me says you are taking their actions way too personally, in a way that spells unhealthy relationship dynamics. The sacrifices you’ve made to take care of them have nothing to do with their decision to vape. They didn’t force you to give up your career and the whole nine, right? Hopefully you didn’t make these sacrifices expecting them to never disobey you, because that’s not how parenting works. If you’ve been laying on guilt trips, for your own good it needs to stop. Because I guarantee if I were in their position, the last thing that would convince me of my wrongness was hearing my mother focus on how betrayed she felt by me simply exercising self-autonomy (which is how they probably see their own actions). Them vaping has no direct bearing on you.
At this point, you need to try to figure out what it is you want from them so that you can move forward emotionally. Signs of remorsefulness? An apology? A vow to do better? If you don’t get these things, what then? I don’t know if there’s a right or wrong answer here, but having a conversation with yourself about your own expectations might make you feel better.
edit: no, not worth it.
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I agree. Lots of older counter-culture type posters here I think not necessarily realizing as you said things aren’t necessarily the same, also maybe not comfortable with the idea that marijuana might do permanent harm to young brains, maybe including theirs :). The fashionable response ever since their youth (and mine) is ‘but drinking is much worse!’ but that doesn’t really address the issue.
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I also agree here though I’m sure you agree it’s not easy to avoid this kind of feeling as a parent. I sense OP is reacting in the moment (or the short term at least). You also can’t tell a person ‘you’re not allowed to feel anger and alienation toward your kids for disappointing you’. It’s just not how most people are wired IME. But you try to work through it.
Yeah, that’s what bothers me too. Personally, I’d be slightly worried if my 14-year-old was smoking pot, but I’d be VERY worried if I found out he was associating with criminals and other sleazebags. I don’t want him on that kind of people’s radar.
It’s possible to find ways to enjoy marijuana that are quite safe - certainly safer than alcohol, probably safer than driving a car or eating too many cheeseburgers. That being so, I think OPs overreaction is likely to endanger her kids further, because they will feel that they cannot be open with her about their activities. By far the healthiest approach (for both their literal health and the relationship) would be for OP to work with her kids to educate herself and them about where the real potential health risks lie, and to help them feel that they can make autonomous decisions with her support to find safe ways to consume marijuana in moderation if they choose to. Sure, there’s a point to lay down stricter boundaries if the kids are running wild and getting in trouble with the cops or doing badly at school, but I saw no indication of that in the OP.
It seems to me that OP’s reaction is analogous to freaking out over the prospect of a teenager having sex. Freaking out about it and going into denial is going to put them at greater risk. A mature parent has a frank conversation with their kid about all the issues to help the kid make good autonomous decisions and to be safe.
I think the OP is a little freaked out but she’s open to counseling and analyzing her reaction, and in a little time can recover and go on. I’d guess she’s had the misfortune of having a pair of excellent sons who took a long time to get this first blot on a clean sheet or paper. Of course it looks bad from that perspective, but she’ll get over it, and maybe get a better concept of how many kids reach adulthood with many more smudges on their record, yet still become fine adults.
I remember a thread where a mother freaked out because her son watched some pornography I think. I was kind of hard on her, but she didn’t sound as reasonable as Declanium does here, and I hope I didn’t unintentionally do more harm than good in that thread. Sometimes people need to get shocked into reality, but in this case I think we need to talk** Declanium** down and support her in getting over this. She sounds so much like a wonderful mom other than this over-reaction which can still be worked out.
Declanium, one way to work out some of your anger and frustration is to hit back in this thread. Get it all out, we can take it.
Er, you really don’t know how kids get weed do you?
Hi. Mom of two twentysomethings here. I spent a lot of time wishing I had sold them to the circus as toddlers like I used to threaten to do.
First, I agree with the others who are saying that other parents’ kids are screwing up, too. It’s just that parents don’t want to admit their little angels are anything but, because they are too worried about you and all the other parents judging THEM 
Second, you are perfectly justified in being angry and upset that they are using pot. Laws about medical and recreational use are different everywhere you go and they’re underage anyway. I don’t have a problem with adults who want to smoke up because they are able to decide if the good effects are worth the risks and deal with the consequences, like if they fail a drug test and get fired. Teens are NOT known for their wonderful decision making skills. I assume one of your house rules is no illicit drug use. If they break a house rule, they get punished.
However, you’re going way off the rails here. They didn’t smoke pot to spite you. They tried something forbidden and they liked it, same as if they were sneaking beer or looking at porn. Teens do that. They look for new experiences and they want to push boundaries.
They never asked you to give up your career and all to be Mrs. Perfect Mommy into their teens.
This isn’t about you. It’s all about them. They are at a risky age right now, no longer children but not even close to adulthood. They need guidance and stability. MOst of all, parents they can rely on to love and support them at all times even if you do get angry sometimes or have to punish them. They ARE going to have problems with school or bullying or relationships and stuff like that, and I can guarantee they’re going to think “No way I’m going to Mommy Dearest for help. I remember how she just about kicked me to the curb just because I smoked some pot. If I tell her about this, she’ll kill me.”
And they’ll go to other sources for help, and some of them won’t be good influences. Plus you’ll find out and feel betrayed and wonder why they can’t come to you and you’ll be right back here whining that they don’t appreciate your sacrifices.
I’m not saying she’s allowed to feel anger or disappointment at all. But there is a wrong way and a right way to express these feelings, especially if the goal is to encourage better behaviors (rather than just dumping big hairy emotions at their feet).
Bad way, IMO:
“You betrayed me so much by your actions. Don’t you know how much I’ve done for you? How could you do this [implied: to me], as if everything I’ve tried instilling in you was for naught!”
Good way, IMO:
“Since learning you’ve been vaping all year, I’ve been beside myself with disappointment and worry. It’s going to be weighing on me heavily for a while. I’m really concerned that you aren’t taking your own health and future seriously. And because of all the hiding and sneaking, it’s going to be vert hard to trust you like boys your age should be trusted.”
Although both statements address the effect their choices have on her, the former statement is very much “how dare you hurt me” flavored while the latter shows she’s ultimately concerned about them not herself.
I went through something very similar when I found a little pipe in my son’s stuff when he was 16. Every situation is different but keep this in mind:
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This is not your parenting failure. You did everything right. Children are not little blank slates, they are people that do what they want to do regardless of how they are raised.
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Your sons are not doing this as a way to hurt you. Please see this as about them.
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Counseling is in order.
We reacted strongly when we found our son was smoking weed. I had taken a few hits myself in high school, though my wife never had. Weed today more potent then it was for my experience. I was concerned that he might be psychologically dependent on it, and acting as a dealer to his friends. We talked to him about the illegality of weed, and the negative health effects. We had him talk to his doctor about it. We required him to go to some sessions at a local addiction center; he went to group sessions and I got a better sense of proportion when I realized he was talking to heroin addicts, people who stole money to get coke, etc.
So this is definitely something you need to deal with as a family. I think your husband is striking the right balance between addressing it but also keeping the relationship going and communication pipeline open.
In the end remember that at their ages, they will find a way to do what they want to do, so you can just hope to provide the right guidance and influence and hope for the best. Regardless, please try to keep things open.
The one thing we emphasized over and over again with our son is that we wanted him to be honest with us, and in return we would not go ballistic over everything that we didn’t like.
Yeah, but CookingwithGas, I already went ballistic. Not sure if I can turn around that quickly.
Thank you for sharing your story.
NO to be honest it’s not a valid concern. Smoking a little weed when you’re a teen is not some slippery slope to opioid abuse and your hysterical over-reaction is likely doing more damage than the cannabis. You’re DONE with them? I can’t imagine what my 15 year old would have to do for me to declare that I’m done with him and so disappointed I can’t even interact with him like a normal family does. Teens smoke weed sometimes. They drink and have sex too. It’s hard for us as parents to witness them growing up but this sort of behavior from THEM is completely normal. What your doing is not healthy for anyone involved. I don’t mean to bash or insult you but you need to lower your standards a little or your sons will be done with you pretty soon and you’ll really be heartbroken.
There’s always safer ways to enjoy any unnecessary vice. That doesn’t mean a 15 year old should be smoking marijuana. Without knowing anything about this people, it might be a neutral thing or it might be a bad thing, but unlikely a good thing at this stage in their development. We don’t even know if it’s legal where they live.
But even if they got their stuff from a high quality dispensary, the house rule is that it shouldn’t be used. It would be inappropriate for the parents to now back down from this position just because the rule was flouted. Given this reality, the boys will never be “open” with their parents if they continue to use it. That’s an unrealistic expectation.
Honestly? No idea. I was incredibly uncool as a teenager - nobody ever even offered me weed.
How do kids get weed?
When I was in high school, I got it by hanging out with criminals and sleazeballs and classmates. Not that there was a difference.
Apparently dealer brings right to street nowadays
When I was in high school in the early 90s we still used the traditional black market “a guy I know” system.
Then there was that relatively brief time between medical marijuana being legal in many states, but recreational use and sales were still many years away. During that period, you either got yourself an MM card, legitimately or not, or you found someone else who had acquired one, legitimately or not, and just went through them.
Now, depending where you live, you can just go to the store. And a traditional fake ID or an actual adult is all you need (although I don’t know whether a fake ID would work; the two recreational stores I’ve visited, purely out of curiosity mind you ;), they scanned the data matrix on the back of my driver’s license when I walked in the door). But still, any adult can buy the stuff, so I guess kids today are still using the “guy I know” system or are back to hanging out in front of the store with cash and getting someone to buy them something.
We are in NY. Still not legal.