Actually you can, you can just start with an apology for going ballistic and start a family dialogue that way.
Take it from someone quick to anger and quick to feel sorry for it.
It’s the same now. An older brother or sister, any friend or classmate, sometimes even parents. It’s everywhere. I guess you can call your friends and classmates who become senators and supreme court justices sleazeballs if you want, but it’s not the weed that makes them sleazy.
A question for the OP: as a teen, did you ever do anything rebellious? Did you ever break the law or disobey your parents?
I drank for first time in college.
No drugs. Ever. I’m 53 now.
I was very scared of disappointing my parents. They came from Ireland (had never been to college) so I was first generation to reach that point. Wasn’t going to screw it up.
Is it safe to assume that you were exposed to the height of the D.A.R.E. program and ‘just say no’?
I do remember the egg crackling in the frying pan “brain on drugs” thing.
Declanium, I hope you don’t take these responses as “being dumped on”. Some are, but most here seem to be concerned that you do the reasonable thing. There’s a lot of tough love, but almost everyone here wants you to get through this with your hair still attached.
You’ll be okay. Your sons will be okay.
Talking to someone who is objective is a good idea. Apologizing to your sons for flying off the handle is a good idea, with the caveat that they understand that they broke the law in a couple ways and you can’t have that. Apologizing will not be showing weakness.
Pot is not as bad as reported by “the authorities” for the last several decades. It really isn’t. Look up the history of it’s prohibition- I believe it was tied to alcohol prohibition as away to punish minorities, not because it’s as harmful as heroin or cocaine. That being said, kids shouldn’t be using it anyway.
I’m not saying anything that hasn’t really been said here, but hopefully reinforcing the good advice. Most of us here really want you to succeed here. Good luck.
**Jumpbass**- father of three late teen/ early adult daughters.
Re: smoking vs vaping: I use a vape pen from a reputable dealer, but I’m in CA. My preference is those low dosage gummies. Less crap in my lungs.
When I was 8 years old, I rode my bike across town to visit my friend on his farm. I bragged, “My dad lets me go wherever I want.”
He replied, “My dad loves me and doesn’t let me go wherever I want.” It hit me like a ton of bricks. My freedom was actually my father’s indifference.
The point of the story is to let your sons know you care and love them and your position on smoking weed is out of concern. Sure, people like Obama and Elon Musk smoke weed and look how successful they are. They may be the exception not the rule to the effects of using marijuana. Worry less about what your sons think of you now and more of what they will think when they have their own kids.
The hardline stance on drugs that kids get is sometimes cited as one of the reasons kids get involved in hard drugs. They try something relatively benign like marijuana or alcohol and find out it’s fun without all the dire consequences they were taught in DARE. Then they assume that the adults were lying and all drugs are like that, so they try meth, coke, and heroin thinking those will also be fun without dire consequences.
Believe it or not, there are a fair number of folks who were never interested in doing drugs, and yet who weren’t brainwashed by a government program. People do have different values and experiences, and that doesn’t make them any more weird than you are.
If smoking some weed is the worst thing your sons do, consider yourself lucky.
Yes, discourage it the best you can, but they’re not spawns of Satan not worthy of your affection. Loosen up a bit.
Having been in some of those rooms, a word of warning: There is a lot of glorifying of past behavior and a tendency to be boastful. It’s a fine line when talking about past behavior between nostalgia and regret (a lot of “I was partying my ass off” stories).
A young kid (especially one who is sent there because other people think he has a problem) may get the idea that these harder drugs aren’t so bad (‘these people are all alive; I guess shooting heroin or snorting coke for years doesn’t necessarily kill you’) or perhaps a little fun (‘this guy was just talking about crazy sex parties’).
I was thinking more of individual/group counseling
Not necessarily a support group
I think the counseling thing is a very good idea–there are few people and few families who wouldn’t benefit from a few rounds with a good therapist. I look at counseling pretty much like taking my car in for tuneups regularly–it’s just good sense to do the preventive maintenance. I think it will benefit you to get to the bottom of why this very normal behavior by your sons hit you so hard and it will benefit them to know that their actions do have an effect on their family members that’s real and legitimate–kids have a hard time comprehending that their parents are people with feelings and buttons and trigger points too and I think it’s a good thing for everyone to be reminded of that and to learn to consider the human rather than the role when interacting within the family.
You’re gonna be okay, you’re heading in the right direction with this.
I don’t think any of my classmates ever sank so low as to become a senator. There was a noted dealer who also happened to be the mayor’s son. Oddly enough, he never got caught until after his father was no longer mayor.
He once said that since his dad had a tobacco farm, he was just carrying on the family business.
I’m guessing you made weed and booze seem like the uncoolest things in the world, since you’re enthusiastic about them, and teenagers never like things their parents like.
Oh, and regarding the dangers of vaping, the research is coming down more and more in favor of Vitamin E acetate being the culprit. I vape for my THC and CBD almost exclusively since I’ve had a pulmonary embolism and want to protect my lungs from as much as I can. I’m fortunate in that I know processors and can source my concentrates from people I can call up and ask about their manufacturing methods–and Vitamin E acetate is not a factor in any of the processors I patronize. I’m not cavalier about vaping risks, I’m just very certain of my sourcing being okay and safe. Not everyone can say the same so I do hope that the lesson is learned and that including fats in vape cartridges is outlawed. It has no business in cannabis vaping, that’s for sure, because proper processing yields a product that vapes perfectly and the only reason to include something like Vitamin E would be to increase profit margins and that’s not cool.
Since you quoted me, I’m assuming you were addressing this to me, so I’ll respond. The reactions of distressed adults are sometimes expressed in exaggerations:
*Do that again and I’ll divorce you before you can draw your next breath! *
*I’m never going to talk to you again! *
You are not allowed to even touch my car after this!
Maybe and for whatever reason, you view everyone who reacts this way in times of deep distress as “immature.” But your reaction says more about you than it does about the OP, whose dilemma isn’t resolved by responses like yours.
Basically agree, but one of those things that can be easier to say than do is all. Though you’re surely right that I’d weaken my position as parent generally by saying things that made it all about me, ‘look what you’ve done to me!’. That’s not a good tactic to the degree it can be avoided, I agree.
I’m thinking more of how one feels inside (or might vent anonymously on the internet 
) as a parent about disappointments by kids, hurt, IME. Who is really 100% in their heart of hearts, ‘I care nothing for myself, it’s all about you kids’. Not me, unfortunately, if I’m totally honest. And I guess a lot of people would also say I/wife were ‘freaking out’, ‘off the rails’, ‘overreacting’ etc about various things that disappointed, and disappoint, us about our kids. We know they’re basically great and we shouldn’t complain (and we’re long past the point we ever complain to them about them, sugar coated or not, they are in 20’s-30’s now). But it’s not always easy to reconcile sky high expectations even with a good reality. And back to OP as you seem to generally agree in contrast to many other posters, pot smoking/vaping by minor teenagers really isn’t OK, OP not IMO overreacting to be quite upset about it. Though it’s not the extreme 0.1% worst outcome either obviously, and again you’re right (and others have said) you can also make it worse by handling it wrong.
The message you’re sending is that nurturing and caring is a transaction that you use to get control. Imagine how these kids feel. Your love is only real if it comes with control, and in 1-3 years you won’t have any control because they’ll be be adults. So they’re already letting go of you.
I don’t know exactly what to tell you except if you want to continue having any influence in their lives, first make it clear that your love doesn’t depend on whether you control them. Make it clear that the kindness you show isn’t predicated on control. As long as you make this seem like a transaction, their response will be to game it.