I would also add that you’re not crazy to be concerned about teenage pot use. But they key thing here isn’t that pot is dangerous - it’s probably the safest recreational drug out there.
The problem is that using any substance to solve a problem is a dangerous pattern that needs to be recognized and managed ASAP. If they’re just experimenting, fine. But if they’re using pot to solve anxiety, or depression, or just plain teen boredom, then you need to help them find the life skill to do that a different way. That behavior pattern is a bigger threat than whatever the drug is.
One very big problem in relationships is that people have a set of beliefs and then (often, wrongly) assume that the other person has that same belief.
You were very scare of disappointing your parents so you made sure that you never did anything bad. If you did something, then it would be saying FUCK YOU! to your parents. I don’t know why you felt that way, but it’s not particularly common (speaking as a parent but more importantly a teacher where I see zillions of kids).
However you were raised or whatever circumstances you were in, or however you happened to turn you, you had this strong reaction. However, your children are not you and you are not your parents. They are not doing this as a giant FUCK YOU. They are much more typical in that they aren’t taking your reaction into consideration.
I think the situation would be much easier to handle if you didn’t project how you felt growing up on how they feel.
I have to disagree with the idea that teen use of cannabis is no big deal. While I can’t use it myself, I have friends who do (It’s legal here.), and I’m glad they have safe, legal access to it. If I could use it, I probably would, at least on occasion.And I did smoke it when i was a teen. However, as has already been pointed out, cannabis is 57-67% more powerful now than in the 1970s.
And teen use of cannabis really is cause for concern. Maybe sanguine suggestions that “a little marijuana doesn’t hurt” are under-informed.
That increased volume is troubling because adolescence is a time when thinning usually occurs. Neuroscientists believe the thinning process makes brains more efficient
And for those insisting that cannabis is less harmful than alcohol, there’s this:
I’m not suggesting experimentation isn’t normal, and I’m firmly against Reefer Madness hysteria. Furthermore, cannabis really is less risky than other drugs out there. But that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement. The fact is, cannabis has real and lasting effects on developing brains. Even if it didn’t, kids who are high don’t learn much.
Forgive my ignorance but in conversation with my sons, they tell me that they will have no problem giving it up now that it’s caused a problem in the family. Is this possible? I know that weed is not physically addictive but isn’t it somewhat psychologically difficult to put down once it’s started?
Last time older son used was end of November. Younger son early December
People who have difficulty not smoking marijuana usually have some other kind of problem they are dealing with and are self medicating. Otherwise it is nothing like an addiction, it is not at all difficult to put down once started, that was just one of many lies made up about marijuana.
Please take their word for it and don’t do any testing. They don’t need to worry about your reaction if they take a random toke at some party. Your fear of marijuana is misplaced.
Why can’t they simply be smoking because it makes them feel good? That’s why most people use it. Why the worry that they are trying to “solve” some kind of “problem”?
That is actually typical. Most people can say no. (People like me, who have a hard time not smoking, do exist, but are not as common - and I’ll note that even I am quite functional despite my heavy smoking habit).
Rather than worry about them continuing to use (I’ll note that those home drug tests can be inaccurate and they can lead to distrust, so I wouldn’t subject your kids to them; also, pot can show up on a urine screen up to a month after last use), look instead for behavioral problems being exhibited: are they still going to school? Are their grades consistent? Do they still socialize with friends? Do they have interests and hobbies? Do they share parts of their life with you? - I think that a child who becomes completely withdrawn is more worrisome than anything else I can think of, and would probably be your best sign that they may be at risk of falling into a problem lifestyle.
Another thing occurs to me. The fact that the OP has created such a stable and supportive home life might in fact explain, at least in part, why the kids were comfortable defying their parents when they tried weed - unlike, for example, a child of immigrants, who might see her parents struggle and worry, these kids may have a perception that their parents are bastions of strength and security who only come to mind when you need their help. They may be oblivious to the idea that mom might have needed something from them, because mom can do it all.
Perhaps, Moriarty. They seemed rattled that it affected me as deeply as it did. When we talked and I said that I was having a hard time moving forward from it, the 17 year old said “I know. I can tell…”
A lot of people seem to think they can go by their own experiences in answering these questions, but as some of us keep repeating, it’s different for adolescents. OP, how often were your sons vaping/smoking cannabis? For how long have they been smoking it? If they were daily users for an extended period of time, they may have become dependent, as teens have a higher dependence rate than adults. But withdrawal symptoms tend to be pretty mild: irritability, trouble sleeping, etc. It’s definitely not the nightmarish withdrawal alcoholics and heroin addicts face.
Again, the crux of the matter in your family seems to be the betrayal you feel and the violation of trust. To that end, you’ll need to discuss as a family what’s needed to regain your trust. Short-term testing might be one of those things.
But please DO keep in mind that you want to establish the kind of relationship where your sons can confide in you and trust that you’re not going to become judgmental or upset. If you don’t set out to redefine and rebuild the relationship–which means listening to them and empathizing with them and learning instead of assuming–this experience may just teach them to get better at hiding things from you.
Nelliebly, they have been doing it for 10 months. When I asked frequency, they said they didn’t know. Not daily. They said not even weekly. I’m guessing when they bought some, they would use it. Whether it came to a few times a week at some points, and then not at all for some weeks.
Again it’s almost been a month without for both kids now. Older son last smoked end of November. Younger son early December.
At the end of the day, this will probably turn out well for everybody. Your reaction may have shocked them into some important life lessons : “I am accountable for my behavior.” “There are expectations placed upon me.” At the very least, they have an excuse to not do something deviant in the future - “Nah, man. If my mom found out, she’d freak!” And I strongly believe that, on a deep emotional level, they are comforted by how much you care what they do. I also agree that marijuana is not benign to a developing brain.
Since you’re talking to them again, it sounds like you’ve calmed down a bit. Keep talking to them, don’t be ‘done’ with them, and just remain vigilant about watching for any indications either one has retreated into a dark place (here’s another piece of unsolicited advice - give them the benefit of the doubt that this is just an indiscretion, but take literally any comments about harm to self or others they might make in their future, just in case pot use is some sort of cry for help).
Oh, and once college starts, we may need to revisit this. Depending on who they get as a roommate, there is a chance one of them may come home from freshman year sporting dreadlocks.
Their friends all do it, and they were embarrassed to say “no”.
They want to piss off their parents
They are in pain – physical or psychological, and are desperately looking for SOMETHING that might help.
other stuff
I support the suggestion that you see a therapist to help you cope with your reaction. I also suggest you ask your kids why they smoked. It doesn’t sound like it was to piss you off, or they wouldn’t have agreed to stop. They would have said, “you can’t make me stop”.
They are lying, or ignorant. Your kids got the weed somewhere. Odds are really good that several of their friends are using it, too.
It’s a valid concern, but it’s pretty unlikely. Pot use is far more common than opioid use, and lots of people use pot and never use opioids.
In fact, my BIL has debilitating back pain, and until medical marijuana was legalized in his jurisdiction, the only way he could get relief was with opioids. Now he uses cannabis products, instead, and has cut way back on his opioid use. Both he and my sister are thrilled that he’s been able to significantly cut back his risk of opioid addition.
People vary, but I know several people who decided to stop using pot, and just stopped. Based on what friends have told me: It’s hard to stop drinking alcohol if you do it regularly. It’s excruciatingly hard to stop taking nicotine. It’s easy to stop using cannabis.
The ease of quitting is one of the reasons I never worried whether my kids tried pot. I would be concerned if one of them were a dope-head, and was high all the time. But your kids obviously aren’t that, or you would have noticed.
I think it’s great that your kids offered to quit. That means they DO care about you, and they don’t want to hurt you. I hope you can find it in you to forgive them for freaking you out, and to embrace the caring young adults you have reared.
So?
The cheapo used computer I’m typing this on would have been the most powerful supercomputer in the world in 1967. This years’ soybean crop yield on our farm would have astounded farmers in 1967. (But nowhere to sell them – thank you, Mr. Trump!). Any French wine we could have afforded in 1967 is outclassed by today’s cheap California wine.
Most things have improved in the last half-century. That’s usually considered a good thing.
If they hadn’t smoked for a month when you caught them, they’re not addicted.
I smoked weed at a similar, hard-to-pin down frequency (somewhere between weekly to every couple months) from my late teens to my late twenties. I quit when I went to law school, mainly because it wasn’t yet legal here and I didn’t want to get busted and not pass the moral character requirements to be admitted to the bar. It was trivially easy to quit, though I did end up drinking a bit more. (But even that was influenced by my environment–I didn’t drink at home, only at social events.) I began using it casually again a couple years later, after I became a lawyer and it became legal.
I’m glad you’re listening. I know some of the responses here have been harsh, but your choice of words-- saying you were done with them, characterizing their normal teenage rebellion as a betrayal of you-- was rather concerning. I do think there are some valid concerns around teens using weed, especially vaping, and I hope you can educate yourself so that you can educate them. The main points I would want you and them to agree on are:
Never, ever drive under the influence. If you do other risky things that require presence of mind, don’t do those high either. That includes sex. (At least for now.)
Don’t smoke/vape/drink/use when you’re sad. If you’re going to use, do so in a safe place with people you trust, and do it as a way to enhance an already good time, not to take the edge off a bad one. But also, don’t let this become a thing you need in order to have a good time. Have fun sober too.
Don’t lie to yourself or your loved ones. It’s posible to be a very high-functioning drug user for a very long time, and it’s also possible to lose control even after such a long time. It’s one thing to hide from the law, because the law is an ass sometimes, but if you’re hiding from your friends and family, or worse yet minimizing in your own mind, it’s time to take a good hard look at yourself. Remain vigilant; don’t fall into the trap of believing that because nothing bad has happened yet, nothing bad ever will happen. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re in over your head.
Understand the specific risks involved, and give them careful consideration. Smoking anything means inhaling carcinogens and tar, which can diminish your athletic capacity, make you more prone to chest colds and pneumonia, and increase your risk for lung cancer, emphysema, and possibly other health problems we don’t know about or haven’t discovered the link to smoking. Using any mind-altering substance affects your developing brain in ways we can’t clearly predict, but which might limit your intellectual capacity and/or emotional well-being long-term. Using vape pens with artificial concentrate full of additives introduces a whole host of other risks we’re only just beginning to understand. The safest way to use weed is to get a vaporizer that uses the natural plant, like a Pax, and don’t use it too often. But it’s safest for those whose brains are still growing-- really, anyone under about 23–to not use at all.
That said, weed is not meth. Weed is actually a lot safer than alcohol, in many ways-- you can’t OD, it doesn’t tend to make you more violent, it’s not as addictive, and if you vape flower instead of smoking, it causes less long-term damage to your body than alcohol does. It’s normal and even healthy for teens to push boundaries and take risks, including by experimenting with substances, and weed is the safest one for them to do that with. Our brains and bodies are ours to use and use up–no matter how well we take care of them, they’re not going to last forever. They are for us to live in. Just as you don’t wrap your furniture in plastic to keep it pristine, nor should you try to wrap your kids in rules and tests and everything you can think of to keep them from staining their precious selves. They will be adults soon. There’s a big world out there full of pleasures and dangers. Your job is not to shield them from it, but to equip them for it.
Understand, also, that the law really is an ass. If it’s not legal where you live, that’s another reason not to do it, or ask least to be VERY careful. You don’t want to miss out on opportunities because of a youthful indiscretion. Know the risks, and never assume the worst case can’t happen to you.
Then what’s all this I read about young people being ‘addicted’ to their computers or cellphones, and not getting any physical exercise, doing their homework, etc.?
And didn’t the OP say that a punishment for this was taking away their sons’ cellphones?
I should perhaps have elucidated. There are people who don’t use weed now but did back when weed generally contained significantly lower levels of THC than it does now and who base their “No big deal” perspective on teen cannabis use on that.
That cannabis contains more THC now may be a good thing for adult users. Again, I have nothing against cannabis. Heck, I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who owned a large grow operation, and I learned a lot from him. Even HE wasn’t wild about teens using his products. The evidence strongly suggests THC adversely affects the adolescent brain. The more frequent and more potent the use, the greater the likelihood.
While I’ll agree that developing minds should avoid alcohol, nicotine, weed and opioids, throwing around statistics does not help. There are a lot of people who are better able to manage pain and anxiety due the legalization of weed. Some day it might be as acceptable to use weed as nicotine or alcohol.