I see some others have chimed in and given what I consider to be appropriate responses: you go to jail, you do the time - I’m not bailing your butt out. Point out long-term consequences, such as an arrest record haunting you for YEARS as you try to go to college, get a decent-paying job, etc. Higher-paying employers tend to frown on arrest records; McDonald’s and road construction, eh, not so much…
The whole, “We’re not going to come get you” speech worked well for me. Plus, I’m personally a control freak, so getting high and getting drunk never really appealed to me, but YMMV.
:smack:
Beer can’t get you 5 years in prison, unless you drive.
Get her some Snoop Dogg CDs.
Seriously, I don’t know what to tell ya.
I started when I was 15. We did it and drank in High School, and I don’t regret any of it. You can smoke pot and drink without being a loser. If you’ve always been good about making her do her homework and get in on time, she’ll probably still continue to do so.
Most every kid I know that smoked pot didn’t develop a problem with it. The ones who did. . .well, I wouldn’t blame the pot.
My Mom and Dad basically ignored it. Mom would make the occasional crack about smelling it on me. They would have cracked down if it ever got to where I was shirking responsibility.
Bosda, that right there is my biggest personal problkem with folks I know doing it. I don’t care who smokes or how much, and I really think it’s pretty dumb that it’s illegal - you can get just as messed up on cough syrup if your chemicals are just right - but the fact that it is (right now) just puts a big negative on it for me.
Smoking a bowl is no big deal - but the consequences can be disastrous, and it’s very important kids know that if they’re starting.
Another thing - about the gateway aspect, well, that is both true and overblown. Personally, I could go down a list of 100 friends and aquaintences and 90% of them are tokers (no, I am not exagerating). Though I can’t say for certain, it is a pretty good bet that most of them tried other, harder drugs at some point, and probably more than once.
Out of those 90 people, few if any of them continue to do anything but week, and none at all use heroin (in my estimation the worst there is).
Most people try the hard stuff and get over it - just the way it usually works.
The first time we caught our kids smoking weed, we were the very picture of responsible parenting. We warned them that marijuana was illegal and we would not tolerate it in our house. We reminded them that they were taking prescription medication, and mixing an unregulated non-prescribed drug with a prescribed drug is never a good idea, etc.
However, when we caught one of our kids driving while stoned, we lowered the boom. No car privileges, grounding, and I made him write a 5-page paper, with cites, on what representatives on both sides of the marijuana issue think about driving while stoned, the legal penalties, etc. We also picked up a few urinalysis kits and told them that any time we suspected they were putting themselves or someone else in danger, we would test them.
Do I think that cured any of them from smoking dope? No. But I’m pretty sure none of them ever drove under the influence (of anything) again, and sometimes that’s the best we can hope for.
Well neither can pot unless you are dealing (at least in NY):
http://www.norml.org/index.cfm?wtm_view=&Group_ID=4554
First, I’d try to demystify the whole thing. A lot of doing drugs and drinking to excess is that it’s illicit and illicit is often seen as cool or rebellious (even if kids don’t quite think of it in those terms). I’d talk to her about why she’s doing what she’s doing. Does she enjoy it? How does it make her feel? Does she understand what addiction is? I’ve explained to my kids how addiction works, on a physical basis, and they are now just 7 and 9. They asked me about it when they wanted to understand why people smoke even though they know it’s bad for them.
Also, is this the first time you’ve ever discussed drugs with your kid? When my kids were little and we lived in Frankfurt we saw young people living on the streets in search of their next fix. Not how I want my kids to end up. Not that a little of the chronic necessarily leads that way, but I want them to think about how their body might react to different substances and why they might make those sorts of choices, what the short term and long term consequences are, etc. I also don’t overplay the possible outcomes, because if they do experiment some day and don’t immediately turn into dope fiends they’ll think I was lying to them. I used to hang with some people, some of whom were into stuff a bit heavier than weed. Some came out okay, a few didn’t. I’d prefer they not start if possible, but if they do I want them to know when to ask for help and not be afraid to ask.
Getting caught doing pot can mean no student loans for university.
Do what your parents did with cigarettes. Make her smoke her stash. All in one go.
Good advice here generally:
It is no big deal so once you bring it up you can feel free to drop it into conversation…“Is the weed good lately?”. Teens hate having their naughty behaviour normalised.
Most drug users get bored with their drug of choice or it begins to intefere with other aspects of life and they simply stop using.
Concentrate on safety first - no driving stoned or being a passenger to a stoned driver…sleep where you are or ring someone for transport.
Safety in numbers - better to talk to a group of friends and let them know how you feel…it is nothing terrible, but risks come with using it and it is important that everyone look out for everyone else. Your child will hate youfor a few days.
And if you really want to stop it all just leave some stuff on the coffee table…your bong, an open baggie, a bowl of your mull (is that Aussie speak?) and maybe some papers.
I think talking to her about the realistic and practical aspects is a good idea. But, if I were you, I wouldn’t let the conversation get so casual that she thinks you’re condoning it. Maintain disapproval although discussing the important stuff.
This is the kind of parenting that really fucks up your kid. Spanking? At 15? WTF that’s just insane. A 15 year old is automatically rebelling. Beating them down will just make them leave.
And christ. The whole “protect my child from danger” is exactly why kids are just so fucked these days. Living is dangerous. Live with it.
Over reacting to weed use is silly. Tell her your concerns AS AN ADULT. If she’s as smart and good as you say she’s going to be ready to get the straight dope (hah) from you. At 15 kids are generally drinking, smoking up and having sex. Don’t fucking lie to yourself. She’s doing all of that and more. Just treat her with respect for her choices and let her rely on you for good information and backup.
She’s not going to automatically live exactly how you want her to, but at least you can be there to guide her. If you show her you’re an over-reacting parent, she won’t confide in you at all and that means you’ll have no way of helping her out. I can’t understand why some parents freak out and burn down any bridges they might have had with their kids over such a mundane issue. Now if we were talking cocaine that would be different.
Well the first thing you obviously need to do is to STOP READING HER JOURNAL. If she accidentally left it up and you noticed a word while closing it, that’s one thing. But going back to it in search of suspect behavior is simply not acceptable.
Remember, not wanting to know and wanting to know so you can say “I wish I hadn’t done that” are two very different things. Luckily you seem to recognize this, so it shouldn’t be much of a problem in the future if you exercise a little more self-restraint.
That said, I second the general consensus of most dopers, and suggest you confront her about responsibility. Inform her of the habit-forming possibilities of excessive use (crankiness, etc), and the importance of responsibility. Very few things in this world are so truly bad that they’re not acceptable in small doses.
I don’t believe that the OP suggested repeated reading of the journal anyhow but would you have offered this advice to the parents of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold if they had come across their journals?
My advice, for what it’s worth, is this:
- Sit your daughter down while your husband is not home, or take her out to eat at a quiet resturant. Tell her she has complete immunity for whatever she reveals in this conversation-- that nothing she says will result in punishment. I think it is far more important to know what is going on with your daughter than to punish her at this point. Don’t talk. Listen. Ask questions if need be, but don’t lecture.
After she’s told you everything (or as much as you’re going to get out of her) tell her your concerns. Don’t go “after-school special” on her-- don’t say the weed will kill her or make her go postal. Tell her you’re worried about the behaviors associated with it: apathy toward schoolwork, or that she might do things she wouldn’t usually do, like have unprotected sex-- or worse, get arrested.
2)Tell her you trust her. That she’s a responsible, bright, wonderful young woman and that you’re very proud of her for being honest with you. But mothers are designed to be worriers and you don’t want to see her harmed.
Put your foot down on driving while intoxicated, or being in the car with anyone who has smoked within the last 24 hours. Legally, having any THC in the blood makes you intoxicated, so if there was an accident, she could go to prison. Tell her she will be punished if you catch her in a car intoxicated or with someone driving who is. Tell her that you will come pick her and her friends up, any time, day or night, and drive them home-- no questions asked.
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Take your husband out to dinner, or tell him while she’s not going to be home for hours. However, you must tell him what’s going on with your daughter. Make him swear not to go ballistic-- tell him you promised her immunity, and it would break trust with your daughter for him to go nuts on her. If he’s sensitive about it, it would probably be best if he didn’t talk to her at all about it until he’s had a long while to think it over.
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Watch her grades and social activities closely, but from an apparent distance. Don’t give her the impression that you’re waiting for her to make a mistake. If problems do occur, though, you’ll have to restrict her freedom. Give her a “warning shot” just like you would normally do, as if the conversation never took place, but remain firm that there will be consequences if she doesn’t stay on track.
Good luck.
Wow, you actually take the door off? I like that!
Technically, isn’t it her blog that was read? Because if so … public property. It’s like the adage goes - don’t write anything on the internet that you wouldn’t want your boss to read. Same goes for parents. The idea of a blog is that you write it and other people read it, it’s not like a supersecret diary with a lock on it. If one of those people who reads it is your mom, then that’s your tough luck if you get caught doing something she’d disapprove of.
There are lots of things (homosexuality, interracial dating/marriage, for instance) that are or were against the law, and if someone didn’t stand up against those laws, where do you think we’d be today? The fact that it’s a law is a lame excuse for riding a kid about something as harmless as grass.
Incidently, most places treat pot smoking like a parking ticket these days. Personal consumption of the demon weed is rarely a jailable offense anymore.
You should post something to her blog. (that’s more a humorous suggestion than a serious one)
My parents chose to not make a big deal out of my pot smoking. I don’t know why. Maybe they were waiting to see if my grades tanked or something. I think they got better, actually. They always knew where I was and I pretty much stuck to wherever I told them I would be (but not what I was doing there).
My whole drug thing ran it’s course in 10 years. Moving away from the people I did drugs with, and going to a place where I didn’t have my usual sources helped. I made no effort to develop new ones.
I think you can tell her how you found out. She left her blog open. The word WEED just jumped out at you.
Then talk to her about it. I only tried drugs a little. One night a guy I hardly knew but we went to the same small HS asked me if I wanted some pot. Then I drove with him to get it from his source. Meeting an actual drug dealer, who was armed, made me not want pot anymore.
Yeah, but this isn’t a private journal. Posting it on the internet is as close as you can get to building a billboard on your lawn without actually buying the nails.
Purple haze, know this, nothing short of totalitarian measures will stop her from doing it if she is determined to do so. The best you can do is make sure she is well informed and smokes responsibly and safely.
Next order of business, find out how she’s paying for it. Does she have a job, an allowance, is it her bat mitzvah money, or is she stealing? I didn’t have any money when I was 15, I had no job and my parents didn’t believe in allowances. If it’s none of these, just how is she paying for it? (not meant to be a scare tactic)
I guess if you really feel you want to crack down, control, or at least survey her drug use, money is the way to do it. She has to buy the stuff eventually. Set her up with a bank account and an ATM or debit card. Keep an eye on her bank statements and require her to keep track of all her reciepts. Note any suspicious discrepancies. If she has a job, ask her employer to pay her in checks to facilitate this. She may get a free puff from friends in the beginning, but even kids recognize a scavenger pretty quickly. My friend’s parents did this, it seemed to work pretty well. They didn’t say why, they just said he was responsible enough for a debit card. But that to keep it, he would need to keep track of his reciepts and show fiscal responsibility and such. If he caught on to it or cared he never showed it.
My other friend’s parents told him that every dollar he spent on drugs was a dollar they wouldn’t pay for college. That seemed a little harsh to me, and ineffective if she gets a scholarship. But to each his own.
Also, teens lie. Not only to you, but to their friends. How many people never told a lie to their friends/peers to improve their image? It could be she was just blowing smoke (pardon the pun) on her blog and in reality has never touched the stuff. Keep an open mind, a calm head, and give her some trust. That’s all I can advise.