My 15 year old daughter smokes weed. Now what?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

But not all. I know four teens who were riding in a car and got stopped for running a yellow light. One girl had about a thimblefull of weed in her purse. All four were charged with possesssion and went to youth court. Each recieved a year’s probation, complete with random drug tests, 10 hours community service, and sentenced to complete a Moral Reconation Therapy group program which takes six months. The judge also ruled that they have no contact with each other during the one year probation period.

Not the harshest thing that ever happened to anyone, but a true-life story which she may be interested to know.

42
  1. Tell your husband. The two of you need a united front on this problem.
  2. You can say how you found out. A minor child living under your roof has absolutely NO expectation of privacy on things like that.
  3. Come down on her hard. Total grounding for an extended period of time, then random drug tests after that. If she fails them or refuses to take them, her world as she knows it comes to an end. If you do not come down hard on her, she will take it as condoning the behaviour. You need to make the consequences of her actions far more miserable than the cheap thrill she gets from smoking.
43

Why don’t you find out if there actually is a problem here before deciding what to do?

If I were you I would speak with her teachers to ensure that her performance in school has not dropped off at all. Assuming that she is doing fine and she has lost her job or anything like that then whats the big deal? Sit her down and explain to her the consequences of being caught with marijuana. Tell her that if she gets caught then she has to get a job to pay for whatever fines/legal fees she has. Really hammer on the danger of driving under the influence or riding with someone who is driving under the influence.

To me there isn’t an inherent problem with someone smoking marijuana as long as they are able to accept the consequences. If she can smoke up without a drop in her school performance or job then there is no problem.

44

If true, another glorious victory for the War On Drugs. :dubious:

::muses to self:: War On Drugs? War On Drugs? War On Drugs? Wait a minute, is “on drugs” a subjunctive prepositional phrase, or a descriptive indep…never mind, pass the bong, will you? :smiley:

Stranger

45

The original post, no, but purple haze later wrote that she went back and read it.

A friend of mine left her diary in my room the other day by accident. She called me up and asked me to keep it safe. The diary didn’t have a lock on it, so I could have just flipped the pages and searched for whatever looked interesting. Instead, I left it closed and gave it to her. Because she knows I’m the type of friend who won’t go behind her back and read her private thoughts, she trusts me with information she doesn’t share with anyone else.

The point I’m trying to make is that just because you can read a journal doesn’t give you the right to. When your best friend leaves her private thoughts on your table to read, do you tell her you read it and say “well you shouldn’t have fucked up, should you have?”

A journal, beit online or print, is a holding place for personal thoughts. When I was a teenager, it was a personal release, a way to vent my frustrations with the world. If my mother had read it, I would have been crushed (a feeling the OP relates to), and our trust level would have gone out the window. I would be left without my mode of creative expression, and god knows how I would have turned out.

Clearly the girl made a mistake in keeping her journal public (my current one is is private), but that does not give the mother the right to read what isn’t intended for her eyes.

46

Get her a cell phone. If she ends up having problems, or gets in trouble, or simply needs a ride so that she doesn’t have to have a driver under the influence, she needs to have an easy way to get in touch with you. Tell her you’ll always come pick her up, no questions asked.

47

Whatever else you end up doing, I’d also consider having a talk with her about information security- “you shouldn’t post anything on the Internet that you wouldn’t want your boss (or parents, or grandparents, or children, et cetera) to read”. Tell her that people have been fired from their jobs because of things they said in their blogs. She really shouldn’t be admitting to illegal activities in a public forum that can not only be read by anyone, but that will probably be around for others to find for a long time to come.

How hard would the blog be for someone else to find? Could anyone who knew her name find it?

48

I suspect money is not an issue at all. When I was 15, my friends and I never had to purchase pot. We were casual users in social situations and people are more than willing to share. We never knew who bought or where it was coming from. Ignorance is bliss.

Anyway, the only tidbit I wish I had known then was that the combination of marijuana and alcohol frequently leads to a very bad experience.

FWIW, every irrational, dangerous situation I got into as a teenager had nothing to do with pot. It was all about booze. Yes, we all knew enough not to drive, but didn’t know how to recognize alcohol poisoning or when to get help because a situation had gotten out of hand.

49

My personal plan when this issue rolls around is to calmly explain how police departments can get a lot of funding from selling items seized in relation to drug crime… and that this conflict of interest has made the Warriors on Drugs a tad bit over abundant in zealousness and a tad bit lacking in common sense. In order to obfuscate the fact that it’s rather unfair to confiscate all of someone’s posessions, the penalties for drug offenses have been increase in great disparity to the severity of the crime in many cases.

Short version: by being present where drugs are being used, you are putting yourself at risk for loss of liberty and/or property… whether you’re participating or not. SO, either don’t hang out with people who use drugs (or have drugs, even if they aren’t using them) or get some life experience. Do not keep drugs in your car, in my car, in your room, in my house, on your person, in your backpack, in your locker, etc.

I’d then give a standard spiel about driving or riding with someone under the influence of drugs, the particular hazards of mixing alcohol and marijuana, how it’s generally a bad idea to take drugs given to you by people you don’t know or don’t know you can trust (especially relevant to girls), and answer any questions they might have.

THEN, then, I’d recommend they not do drugs, voice my hopes that they’d be able to make their perception of the world interesting enough without chemical intervention, and that if they did decide to participate and they or their friends got in over their heads, they could still ask me for help.

50

A blog on the internet is not private (as pointed out), better she learn this in a safe way, after all you said you want to keep her safe.

My suggestion it try to get her to admit that she did try it, then come clean with your usage, then compair the effects. The goal is to have her feel comfortable talking to you about live issues.

If you protect her from life you are not letting her live.

51

I’m 19 and my general advice is don’t act as my mother has, but that’s a reasonable life lesson around here.

My mother has a zero tolerance policy about everything. No drinking, no drugs, no sex (okay, she never said that, but well, it seems pretty clear that that’s on the list, too). She disliked my friends when everyone I knew was a straight A, in bed by 12, never did a thing wrong in their lives type. This means she doesn’t get to know anything about my life (there are a lot of other factors as well in that). I mean I tell her oh, I worked last night or what I’m writing about, but nothing about my friends or social activities. If I was in trouble, she’d be right there with 6th grade teacher down on the list of peopel I’d call.

My dad on the other hand, takes the position that “I’ll help you however I can, I just need to know the truth.” I like that better, although he still judges me based on his experence which basically sum up to you can’t trust anyone and friends will always screw you over.

I think if I needed a real adult in a pinch, I’d call my advisor. Mind you he’s no closer in distance than my parents.

Basically my point in this is that you should act in such a way that your daughter can come to you without fear or concern when she’s in trouble. I’m not sure I could to my parents nad there are times when that is very cold indeed.

52

Purple haze damn, are you in a rough spot.

Here’s what I’d do, I think:

Sit the kid down, tell her that there will, from now on, be random drug tests. She can choose to continue smoking pot, but if she does, the consequences will be (fill in fate worse than death here). I would add one exception to this: if she’s been smoking and she’s out and needs a ride home, tell her she can call you and you will come get her and you will not lay the smack down on her. Sign a contract, seriously. As long as she calls you instead of getting in a car, no punishment, not even a lecture the next day.

I’m more uptight over drinking than I am pot any day, but no 15 year old should be “allowed” to do either, IMHO. Are there pot users who are responsible? Yes. But you’re the Mom, and until she’s an adult you are responsible for her and what she does. If she gets behind the wheel of a car, stoned, and kills someone, it’s your ass – doubly so if it could be proven that you KNEW she was getting stoned. (Yes, even potheads kill people on the road, too.) Or, God forbid, what if she hurts herself? If you let this slide and something happened to her, could you ever forgive yourself for not setting boundaries?

I’d tell her that until she’s in a place of her own, there are certain things that are expected of her and no weed is part of those expectations. When she’s an adult, she can do what she wants, but until that day comes it’s your job to protect not only her, but everyone else in the household – and everyone AROUND you.

I’d also let her know that privacy is going to be severely restricted for X number of months, until she produces X number of clean pee tests. America ends at the door, she lives in Purple Haze Land. The first thing that needs to go is her internet connection – school stuff only. No 15 year old girl (or boy) needs to have unrestricted access to the net! If you suspect she’s smoking in her room, the bedroom door needs to go for a while.

Another thing she should know is if she gets caught by the cops, you’re not going to be there to bail her out. If, God forbid, she ends up in court, don’t try to get her out of it! I can’t tell you how many lawyers, cops, and judges have told me that parents who refuse to deal with their kids the first time they get into trouble will almost certainly end up in the courtroom again. If she’s going to be a “big girl” and smoke pot, she can be a big girl and take it like a woman when she ends up in juvie for a while.

You need to find out where she’s getting the grass and turn the names over to the cops. If she’s smoking with friends, their parents ought to know that their kids are smoking. They may be idiots and do absolutely nothing about it, but that’s their business. All you can do is warn them.

You were right to read her blog and don’t let anyone tell you different. When trouble is suspected, privacy goes out the door. If she had a boyfriend that was beating her, or was turning tricks, would you “respect her privacy” and butt out? Hell no. Whether you believe smoking pot is (physically) dangerous or not, I know you definitely know that it is dangerous as far as her future is concerned.

She doesn’t need a buddy, she needs a Mom with balls of steel. You’re the woman for the job. She may very well end up a pothead, or just an occasional user, or she may get bored with it and quit – but that’s for her to decide when she’s an adult and responsible for her own actions, living in her own place.

It’s possible to keep the lines of communication open AND put your foot down. Kids today are (silently) screaming for boundaries. You can either set those boundaries and refuse to tolerate foolishness, or you can show her that you really don’t care about her all that much and do nothing. No matter how much you love her, if you just turn a blind eye or just dismiss it with the “most kids are doing it” routine, she will know that Mom can’t handle her own household and doesn’t have the balls to stand up to her.

She may get accolades from all of her friends for having “the cool Mom,” but she won’t respect you.

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This is a tough situation, but not an ususual one. At least you are around to guide her at this point. I can’t tell you how many kids discovered the existance of drugs in college and went nuts and caused real damage to their lives.

The first thing I’d do is sit down with her alone, out of the house somewhere.

Start out with the truth. You owe her that. Tell her the story of how you found out. Then tell her that unless you feel her life is in danger you will respect her privacy and won’t snoop around her closets or read her diary, but that you can’t help but see whats left out in public.

Then tell her more of the truth- that while you arn’t surprised that she has experimented with pot, you arn’t comfortable with it. Tell her that she is going to be an adult soon, and will be exposed to a lot of adult things in the upcoming years. Say this is just the first of many adult things she will have to come to terms with, and that you hope that she makes safe choices.

Remind her that pot is illegal, and that there can be serious legal consequences if she is caught by the police. Remind her that it is probably better to be caught by someone’s parents than the police and it probably isn’t a good idea smoke in public or hang around people that are. Tell her that driving while on any intoxicants is dangerous, and that if she needs a ride home from any situations you will give her one with no questions asked. Let her know that you can use you as an excuse - “my mom will kill me” or even “my mom drug tests me” or whatever- if she needs a way out of a bad situation. You might also tell her that many jobs give drug tests and she might be blowing her chance at a summer or after school job. Also tell her to be aware of who she is with when people are on drugs, and know how much she trusts them. Friends with drugs are a different kind of friend- often less loyal- than friends without.

Now come the hard part.

Tell her chances are she will know people at some point that are doing harder drugs. She probably already knows the bad effects, but give a brief rundown (with emphasis on the most teen-scary stuff) anyway. Speed will make your hair fall out, your teeth go bad, and your skin turn yellow and covered in nasty sores. Hallucinogens are unpredictable and you could end up arrested or hurt. Cocaine will make you broke, and can wear holes through the center of your nose. Perscription drugs can make you crazy. Alcohol can ruin your life in any number of ways. All drugs make you boring and poor if that is all you do.

Illustrate this with any stories you have about people you know, but try not to be too preachy. Just let her know that she probably will face some of these things, and all of them have bad consequences. Tell her that addictive things are best never done, because they take away your ability to guard against those bad things, they all have pretty bad consequences and they are all hard to stop once you start. Tell her you have to be careful around people (especially boyfriends) that do drugs- especially addictive ones- because their priorities will always be with the drugs.

Ask her if she has any questions, and say you’d like to share this with her dad, but that you are willing to hear her opinion on this (she’s probably completely ashamed at this point, and doesn’t want it spread all over the neighborhood). Remind her that your number one priority is her safety- not “getting her in trouble”- and that you will always help her out of a bad situation without question or judgment.

Then take her out for ice cream.

Or you could just have her read this thread…

54

Spanking a little kid is silly. Teenagers is what it exists for.

I assume you’re talking about pampered city kids?

If my parents had known I was sprinting across slick boulders, jumping five feet from one to one with an eight foot drop; or that I was climbing 80 foot trees to the top–they would have spanked me. As such, I was just good at not informing them of, and hiding this fact. And I felt fine doing this because I knew my personal abilities and what I could and couldn’t handle out in the woods.

But at no point did I feel like my parents were being irrational in worrying about me in laying down a rule that “You do not endanger your life.” They love me, and I should hope they do make such rules.

I do fully believe that if I had grown up in an environment where I was allowed to get away with stupid stuff with nothing more than a peaceable conversation, I wouldn’t have been as careful not to do anything beyond my ability to handle.

The dichotomous behaviour of city parents who protect their kid from any sort of germ and dress them up like eskimos in a slight snow, but then let them get away with not wearing their seat belt, smoking, drinking, having sex, saying bad words, and such is just stupid. Doesn’t mean the kids won’t do it–but they’ll keep it down to a level that they can control and that they can keep secret. And it prepares them for the real world.

The biggest thing that puts kids in danger is when they turn off their brains. Having to watch out for what one is actually doing (also known as using your brain) is what’s going to keep kids keeping things to a reasonable level. A couple of lectures on the 0.01% of society that become dope fiends just isn’t going to do anything, but fear of (and love for) the gods is going to keep a child acting responsibly just because he will finally really be concerned.

I never said go insane on her. I’m talking about a very calm and real world, “these are the rules of the household and these are the punishments for each.” If you’re only finally establishing rules at age 15, I might imagine a little bit of rebelliousness for a while. But I suspect that the sheer monotony of getting punished once a day will put an end to that.

I would also note that the point of spanking isn’t to inflict pain–but rather for it to be embarassing. This is why it is more effective for teenagers, who have to keep up their “cool” image. A little kid you can just tell her that she has to stand in the corner for a half hour or whatever–but good luck getting a 15 year old to do that.

And really, spanking should never happen. If the rules are there, and you just know the tone of voice where the kid knows instinctually that these are laws carved into stone–then life proceeds on happily.

Bit of a detour, but personally I pity anyone without a grandma like mine. She had the voice down.

“Now these are the rules. When you’re over and grandmas house, you will make your bed each morning, you will clean up all your toys after you are done playing, and you will not ever hit anybody or break anything.” And you knew when she said it that not following this would result in a very swift and apt result. She wasn’t scary in any way–it was just a very serious and definite tone of voice learned from years of raising several boys and an endless supply of grandchildren. And on hearing it once as a little boy; to this day, at grandma’s house my bedroom is immaculate when I visit.

Love her fully. Not as a friend true, but she’s not suppsoed to be my friend–she’s my grandma and it was part of her duty to see to it that I learned self control and dealing with a real world environment where screwing up has very real consequences. Just that in her dominion, the consequences are controlled by her rather than the luck of the draw when I leap out into the street.

55

Yeah, I hear Texas takes the same hard line. That said, obviously, if it is going to do you more harm than good, it might be wise to re-think it. But the reason would be because of the law…not because it’s against the law.

56

I will second this. I never paid a cent for pot until I was in college.

As far as how I will choose to handle this with my own kids, I think–and, mind you, this is coming from a casual, recreational pot smoker who has no children yet–I will explain to them how their brains are still developing at a huge rate at this age, that it may affect their future cognitive abilities, and that while everyone experiments with something at some point or another, I would advise them to hold off on the recreational substances until they’re out of a critical growth period. Furthermore, that I believe they are intelligent, rational young people, and expect them to behave as such. Keep themselves out of trouble, and call me any time day or night if they need to get out of a situation (by this I mean you need a ride home, need someone to come get you). Don’t get caught. If you do, I’m not bailing you out. You are old enough to be making your own decisions, and you will accept the consequences for them.
There are some who froth at the mouth over marijuana… there are plenty worse things a kid could be doing, and I’d far rather know they were smoking a bowl, ordering pizza, and watching a dumb movie as my friends and I did, than any other recreational forms of intoxication. No one’s ever OD’ed on pot.

57

Admittedly I don’t have any experience parenting, but I think both the “just sit down and have a talk to express your concern” and the “remove all traces of privacy and give her a good spanking” schools of thought are too extreme. If your relationship with your daughter is otherwise good, and it certainly sounds like it is, then setting some limits and handing down some (reasonable) punishment isn’t going to drive her away. When I was in high school, not that many years ago, my parents made it clear that even though they knew I was going to drink and smoke pot in college, those behaviors were unacceptable while I was living at home. As it happened, my high school friends didn’t drink or smoke, so it was easy to stick to those rules. I did get in trouble, though, for having sex and breaking curfew, and I was suitably punished: respectively, my boyfriend wasn’t allowed in my bedroom anymore (previously the door had to be kept open) and I couldn’t go out or have friends over late for a week. I wasn’t happy about it, but I still loved and respected my parents.

Granted, punishment is unlikely to completely change her behavior, but it might help keep things to a reasonable level, and it at least gives her a reason for not indulging. It’s a lot easier for a teenager to turn something down because they might get in trouble than because they don’t feel like or think it’s a bad idea.

58

This is how I have and plan to continue the pot talk with my 12 year old son. This is exactly how my mom and one other respected authority figure handled the pot thing with me. For what it’s worth, I then chose not to try pot until I was 22.

Of course, I was a high school alcoholic. So there you are.

59

True, sometimes people get barely more punishment than a parking ticket for possession/use of pot - AT THE TIME. It’s still on their legal record though, as a drug offense. And many, many employers (and colleges for that matter) frown upon this sort of blemish. Not to mention that there are some whole professions that are essentially closed to you if you get tagged (even if the punishment at the time isn’t anything to be upset over) with a possession or use violation.

This is aside from the fact that in many other jurisdictions, possession and use of pot is treated as a major criminal offense. In any case, it’s just not an acceptable risk.

I agree about the blog. This is a fabulous time to teach your child that she gets to be accountable for the things she says in public. A blog isn’t a private thing. Particularly a blog that’s not restricted at all.

60

You know, there is a middle ground between “the cool mom” and “the crazy lady that piss tests her kid and makes her turn her friends over to the cops.” As far as respect goes, I don’t think you’re going to get much from a teenager when you not only openly distrust her, but also show that you yourself cannot be trusted.

And if you keep making all her tough decisions for her when she’s at home, how good do you think she’ll be at making them by herself in the real world?

Your post only shows how to do the latter.