I just caught my partner smoking again.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m so upset, angry, and hurt right now.

A little backstory. I’ve been an ex-smoker for over 20 years. Over that time, I’ve become an ANTI-smoker. I watched my my dad live and die from COPD as a result of a lifetime of smoking. I simply can’t bear the thought of someone I love slowly killing themselves like that again. She knew from the beginning that smoking was a deal-breaker for me.

She quit smoking 2 years ago but says she always had that niggling feeling that she “missed” it, she really liked to smoke, and really didn’t want to quit. When her ex-girlfriend tried to commit suicide a year ago, she started smoking again under the stress. I’m afraid I wasn’t very tolerant then and frankly freaked the hell out over it. We fought, we cried, and she agreed to try again this time using Chantix.

She claimed that the Chantix worked and she had given up smoking for good. However, over the last year, the other two adults in our household and I have all noticed an occasional smell of smoke on her. I’ve asked a couple of times and she always claimed that she wasn’t smoking again.

I forgot something and came home from work unexpectedly yesterday and caught her smoking. This time she had no choice but to own up to it but claimed it simply “wasn’t a big deal”. She claims she was with her SIL when her SIL was smoking and she took a couple of hits and it “tasted good”. She claims she bummed 6 cigarettes from her on Christmas Eve and swears she was just going to smoke them and that would be the end of it. She claims this was the first time she had smoked.

I’m afraid I simply don’t believe her.

I’m hurt that she chose to hide behind my back to smoke rather than telling me that she had the urge to smoke and try to work together to fight it off. I am ready to admit that my initial response last year was pretty harsh. I’m guessing she would have rather chewed off her right arm than tell me that she was smoking.

In order for me to quit (and stay away from cigarettes) I had to make smoking so taboo in my mind that I can’t even think about smoking “just one”. Much like an alcoholic can’t have an occasional drink, I can’t pick up a cigarette for fear that I will succumb to urge. To me, that’s what addiction is all about.

I’m also disappointed in her. IMO, her choosing to smoke is a weakness, a crutch. It was also a big part of her old life (with the above-mentioned fruit-loop suicidal girlfriend) that I really want for her to get behind her.

I’m pissed that she violated my trust. I’m pissed that she stinks like the bottom of an ashtray. I’m pissed that she wasn’t strong enough to fight the urge. I’m pissed that she considers it “no big deal”. I’m just pissed, period.

What the hell?

2

Chill out. It sounds like she is hiding it from you because of the reactions it creates, but it isn’t helpful if she gets the urge and needs to sneak around. You can show your disapproval with a shake of the head not making her feel guilty. She will hopefully quit for your, but you can’t expect her to get it perfect the first time. You didn’t say how difficult it was for you, but hindsight may be murky, and even if it really was easy, it isn’t for everyone.

I am not impartial, my girlfriend went from smoking to quitting, to sneaking some, not really secretly but when I am not around. Now she uses e-cigarettes but even they are not perfect in recreating the feel. Has she tried them? I would love for my gf to quit but I’d rather know about it when she does and I try to let her know that it disappoints me but I don’t shame her or anything like that.

3

Whatever you do, Never Ever rent the movie “She’s Just Not that Into You” on Date Night.

4

I’m very sorry to hear that; it sounds to me like you need to decide if smoking is still a deal-breaker to you - your girlfriend is a smoker, Ruby. I don’t think you would be a bad person if it was - smoking is a deal-breaker for me, for all the reasons you’ve given, plus the smell and the expense (cigarettes are about $10 a pack here - my partner would have to be making serious money before that wouldn’t make a huge dent in our budget).

I think part of the problem here is that she quit smoking for you, and you’re taking it personally that she started again. She’s a smoker, you want to be with a non-smoker; this is basic incompatibility.

5

I don’t want her to quit “for me”. The only way it will work if she WANTS to quit for HER. Perhaps I’m not the norm but I quit cold-turkey after smoking for about 15 years. I was simply ready to quit. I was with a non-smoker so there wasn’t the peer pressure I was used to. The withdrawal (first week) was awful but after that it was a no-brainer. I knew that I would have urges. Hell, I have an occasional urge yet today after all these years but it’s not so bad that I can’t walk the other way.

Yes, I do take it personally. I feel I’ve invested sweat equity as well in helping her stop the first time so her failure is also my failure.

The smell and expense are also a big deal to me. Funny story, I had a dream last night that she took the LAST of our money and bought two cartons of cigs. Not packs…CARTONS! The Nerve! ha!

6

ruby, you’re an ex-smoker! you of all people should understand how hard it is to break the addiction.

give her a break. the percentage of people able to quit on the first couple of attempts is less than stellar. i speak with first-hand knowledge on that. i lied thru my teeth to my mother that i’d quit, even tho she could smell it on me. it took me ten years and several attempts to finally give cigarettes the boot.

you’re in the same situation. you said it yourself: your partner’s gotta quit because SHE wants to.

be patient. i know that’s hard given your background story, but you’re gonna have to suck it up and give her the opportunity to quit for herself.

and if you can’t do that - and if she can’t - like **cat whisperer **said, you might have to think about moving on.

best wishes for both of you.

7

She doesn’t.

8

You do understand that this is what she has been doing though, right?

9

How long before “the beginning” was two years ago?

It sounds to me like she quit for a year, and since you’re pretty vague about it, I gotta assume she never really quit again, and you’ve been in denial for the past year.

10

And this simple statement contradicts everything you said in your OP. She will quit when SHE is ready to, no amount of stamping your foot is going to change that. In the meantime, your reaction is creating a huge barrier between you - she will continue to hide it from you, no doubt with considerable feelings of guilt.

No, you’re not the norm, and showing support rather than sanctimonious judgement will be far more effective in the long run.

Well, you shouldn’t. Only she can quit. By herself. It may take many tries and failures. Really – cut her some slack. Or leave. You can’t force her to do something she’s not ready to do.

11

You can’t make other people be who you want them to be.

Look how personally you are taking her smoking. It’s all about you. Since it’s a deal breaker for you, dump her and spare her the roller coaster of your emotions about it.

12

So, which is it? Because it can’t be both of these things at the same time.

Also, consider that all of the horrible things you know about smoking? She knows them, too. She knew that it’s a waste of money. She knew it would make her stink. She knew it can give her cancer, or empysima, or a heart attack. She is every bit, 100% as fully aware of these facts as you are. And, of course, she knew that it would cause a huge fight with you. And she started smoking again anyway. Now, if having your lungs rot out of your chest while you’re still trying to use them isn’t a sufficient smoking deterrent, do you really think the possibility of a fight with her girlfriend is going to put her off? What I’m trying to say here is, this isn’t about you. Turning it into major drama is making it about you, and is the opposite of helping. If you want to help, take your ego out of it, and realize that you’re in a relationship with an addict, and kicking an addiction is hard. A lot of people simply can’t ever do it at all, and a lot more people are going to fail a whole bunch of times before they get it right. At the very least, your girl is in the second category. If you want to help her stay in the second category, and not end up in the first category, you need to not freak out at her when she backslides. You’ve already seen what happens if you do that: she hides her smoking from you, and you can’t help her with it if you don’t know about it.

That being said, if you don’t want to deal with that, as someone pointed out up thread, between the smoking and the lying, you’ve got some perfectly valid reasons to break up with her. If you want to stay with her, though, you’re either going to have to swallow a lot of your emotions and do what ever is necessary to help her deal with her addiction, or you’re going to have to get used to being with a smoker.

13

QFT

if it’s a deal breaker then it’s a deal breaker. Let her go.

14

These two comments are at odds with each other. Get over yourself. It’s her deal, that she’s got to come to terms with.

If not being with a smoker is that big of deal to you…then dump her ass. If you love her more than you love the idea of being with a non-smoker, then work with her to help her…not berate her.

15

Nicotine addiction is a powerful thing, as you know. Sometimes more powerful than any other force. Even if you use cessation drugs or techniques, it still requires willpower to quit.

Here’s what she probably thought…
“Man I want to smoke.”
“But, it will make Ruby mad.”
“Fuck it, if she loves me she’ll understand.”

People with addictions will always find a way to rationalize their behavior. I know that smoking is bad for me, vile, expensive. I know lots of people who love me who would put me on a pedestal if I quit. I would put myself on a pedestal if I quit. Yet, I always find a way to rationalize that next cigarette.

16

This is a crap thing to say, maybe she can’t quit because you’re taking credit for it when she does!

Much more importantly, be very careful what you wish for. People who are terribly addicted to nicotine, y’know such that even with support, assistance, and aids cannot seem to quit are, pretty clearly, addictive personalities.

My family is riddled with them. Alcohol, prescription drugs, illegal drugs, nicotine. If you had to pick one, tell us, which would it be?

Yeah, it’d be awesome if you could substitute housecleaning, gardening, cooking, for her addiction, but that’s not how it works. Were I you, I’d be worried that if you push her off this addiction the one that comes to replace it may well be much, much worse.

Yes, smoking is a vile, expensive, health damaging addiction. But it doesn’t mean she can’t be a loving partner, valued employee, effective parent, quality friend and all round good person. The same cannot be said for the other addictions I mentioned, they will cost you your family, job, home and turn you into a scumbag.

If your love for her relies on her being a non smoker, then own that. Yes, the conversation is going to make you look like a shallow ass, no different then men who want to leave their wives because they gain weight. But hey, if that’s where you are, and it sounds like it is, then do everyone a favour and just own it! You’re going to end up, in the same place, either way, so just be honest, with yourself and with her.

One of the hardest things I had to learn, in relationship is, “You can’t push a rope!”. I had to learn it over and over until I got it. I sense you’re on the same path, so you have my sympathy.

Good luck.

17

You are dating a smoker.

There is nothing you can do which will change that fact.

If she wants to stop smoking, she will try. She may fail, and fall off the wagon, but she’ll put effort into it. Perhaps, if she has the determination, isn’t too addictive a personality, and finds something else (hopefully nondestructive) to replace the nicotine with, she will eventually quit.

If YOU want her to stop smoking and she likes you, she’ll give it a half-assed try, or fake it, and proceed to sneak around because she wants to make you happy. On this path, there is no quitting, because she’s getting everything she wants - she has both the nicotine and you, and if you’re occasionally unhappy, she considers that the price she’s willing to pay for having it all.

This is not fair to you, or to her.

Either accept that smoking is part of who she is and that you are in fact, dating a smoker and learn to live with that, or you’re going to have to let her go and move on.

That’s not a failing on your part - if you can’t handle being around smokers, then you can’t change that part of you, just like she can’t change the fact that she still needs to smoke.

And if you argue that she can change, then my obvious point is why can’t you change? Yes, you’re “correct” about smoking from a health standpoint, but you aren’t her parent or her caretaker. She has every right to choose her activities as she sees fit, and if she isn’t willing to change that for herself, she isn’t going to do it for you either.

18

From the way you come across in your OP you’d probably be doing your SO a tremendous favor by calling the entire relationship off. Unless you would prefer to have a doormat and your SO is willing to be one.

19

Yes, I get it. I don’t like it but I get it. I thought when she decided to quit that she understood that it was for her but I was obviously wrong.

I don’t know now if she ever really quit completely.

Help me understand what “be supportive” means. I do love her and I’m seriously reconsidering my hard-ass attitude but I really don’t know how to “support” her. Do I turn a blind eye when she smokes?

I started to defend that my statements weren’t mutually exclusive. However, as I think about this more, I think I’m finally beginning to understand that her choosing to smoke isn’t personal. I did take it personal… but it’s not about me. She’s a very caring person and I’m sure she felt a great deal of guilt.

20

I beg to differ with your analogy. Smoking is not a shallow cosmetic weight gain.

“You can’t push a rope!” sounds like extremely good advice and not a lesson that I guess I’ve learned yet. I’m going to stitch that on a pillow or something so I can remember it.

That’s pretty harsh. Would you care to expound?