From reading the OP sounds like it’s all about you to be honest.
She cracked. Most people who try do at some stage.
If it’s truely a deal breaker well that’s a shame but I think you may need to move on as you seem to have a very large issue with it.
I’m trying to quit right now and the last thing I’d want is someone like you on my back making a potential failure even worse by putting pressure on and making it very personal.
Yes, you DO want her to quit for you, and she, unlike you were, is simply not ready to quit.
I mean, ok, so there have been rumors of the occasional smell of tobacco on her, you caught her smoking once (or twice?). She has otherwise bent over fucking backwards to comply with your demands (and they ARE “demands”…you see her smoking, ever, as a “deal-breaker” and pitched a hell of a fit when you “caught” her, revealing wording, sneaking a few hits, by your own account).
It is not as if she’s been blowing the last of your money on cartons of smokes, or stinking up the house, exposing you to second-hand smoke, or smoking so much she is suffering health problems, etc…
But that is what you fear, so much that it invades your dreams, for her AND for yourself should you ever pick it back up again, so, as you admit, you drew that line in the sand and went from a former smoker to an “anti-smoker”, seeing it as ALL evil, ALL the time, NO exceptions. That is how you have controlled your own urges. But that simply won’t work to control someone else’s, ime.
And to be honest, imo it’s a bit irrational on your part, like a self-identified alcoholic who KNOWS they can’t ever drink again and instead of accepting that others CAN, in moderation, once in a while, without there being any inherent problem with it, insists that ALL drinking is a huge no-no for their partner or anyone around them.
Now, obviously, if you feel the need to enforce that rule due to your own issues and fear of relapse, that is perfectly OK…but the issue is YOURS, not hers. imo.
You need to claim it as such and either accept that she is going to smoke now and then, away from you, or end the relationship. JMHO.
I really think you are projecting your own addiction onto her and expending a great deal of energy perhaps best spent minding your OWN resolve and bahavior policing HERS. She is bound to resent it eventually, if she doesn’t already. Same way she would if you were trying to control her eating or her wardrobe or her social life (you know, like that loopy, suicidal friend you don’t care for but who seems to mean something to her). Controlling behavior is never healthy in a relationship, for either party.
My late DH and I went round and round over this, so I speak from experience…I was the “weak” one, and he tended to blame ME for smoking when he wasn’t for making it too hard for him to remain abstinent.
I quit smoking when I met him, since he asked me to, having recently quit himself. Was mostly a non-smoker for our 23 yrs together. But over the years, I would sometimes take it back up again, or just habe one socially, same for him. I would go out of my way to not smoke in front of him, but he always knew, would rag on me for it, monitor and criticize how much I smoked/spent, then bum a cigarette. :rolleyes:
Honestly, that approach only made me want to smoke MORE…just to piss his control-freaking ass off and send him a big ol’ fuck you. :mad: Not to mention the stress it caused, which is the enemy of self-restraint.
Anyway, not trying to be “mean” on you…I get where you are coming from. I just also get where she is likely coming from. Somehow, this will have to come to a head and be dealt with once and for all. Either let he be or let her go (you might be surprised to find that the moment you stop trying to get her to do what you want her to, that is the moment she finds the will to do just that). JMHO.
Berating her and making her sneak around will just add tons of guilt and stress, and will in no way contribute to her quitting smoking.
It will just make her unhappy and resentful, and you will drive the relationship into the ground.
If you love her, you’re treating her like shit right now. If you don’t love her, you’re being a drama queen.
Call any tobacco quitline, do 30 seconds or internet research, head to your local bookstore - the information on how to be supportive is out there, and crazy easy to find and understand.
If you continue to act like you “just don’t know what more to do!!!”, then there’s far more going in this relationship than the smoking question.
Well, if you ever break up, non-smokers are really, really easy to find. It’s the default these days.
Once upon a time, in a land far away (from you, probably), I was that girl. I had quit smoking for about 2 years and started dating this guy who was rabidly anti-smoking and who also turned out to be very controlling and manipulative. One day, I was talking about how, although I’d quit smoking, it was still a daily struggle for me and that I constantly fought the desire to go buy a pack of smokes. I wanted just one, and lamented that the stores do not sell cigarettes in singles. (Think of the fortune they’d make!) I felt that talking about that desire and acknowledging that it existed was healthier than trying to pretend I didn’t wanna smoke. Denial is what got me smoking in the first place.
Anyway, he responded, “Well, I’m glad you quit because if you started smoking again, I wouldn’t like you.”
I just blinked at him, stunned. And the minute he left my house, I went out to Walgreen’s and I bought a pack of smokes and smoked like four in a row. His response is the opposite of what I’d consider supportive. Supportive would be saying, “Wow, you’re doing so well, I’m really proud of you.” Or when I backslid, “Gee, I hope you won’t give up trying to quit. Tomorrow’s another day. You can do it, when you’re good and ready.”
Instead, he just defined me as a smoker or a nonsmoker and made it clear that I had few other qualities or traits that he cared about. It didn’t matter to him if I was loving, or if I was smart or ambitious or funny or a great cook or a great lay or whatever. (All of which are true, btw. ;)) As if by smoking I would be negating all of my positive attributes that attracted him to me in the first place. Smoking or not smoking does not change the person I am, but he was clearly not willing to accept the person I am. He was only willing to accept the person I was right then, and that was conditional upon nothing changing. I found myself in a gilded cage, and I knew I’d be unable to grow or change because then he wouldn’t love me anymore. (Broke right outta there.)
I realized that he didn’t love me in the first place; he simply wanted to define me and control me. By sneaking smokes behind his back (and I got caught a couple of times, too) that was my way of taking back control of my choices. I *chose *to smoke to spite him because he claimed he wouldn’t even like me anymore. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, so I picked up the smokes to passive-aggressively call his bluff.
We eventually broke up over other things, but I am still smoking three years later. (Dumb, huh?) I will get back on Quitting Horse once again, but I’ll do that when I’m good and ready. Right now I’m in a relationship with a smoker, but I don’t think it would matter to him if I smoked or not. He doesn’t love me because I’m obedient (not!) or because I conform my habits to his preferences. He loves me for me. That’s supportive.
Actually, the whole time I was reading your post, I was thinking how smart you were. I was a smoker and managed to quit, but I’ve always been dumb about guys.
Well, that kind of depends. Did Ruby start dating her partner after the partner quit smoking? It sounds like she did. Also, Ruby says that her partner knew that smoking was a deal-breaker for her.
This doesn’t seem like it’s about being controlling overall, but about one issue, that the partner started up again, knowing full well that it could end the relationship. I think it’s therefore understandable why Ruby freaked out over the first relapse. Maybe not optimal, but understandable.
I also think it’s disingenuous for the partner to claim that the recent incident “isn’t a big deal,” since she knew damned well it was a big deal to Ruby and is trying to downplay it because she wants to smoke. Now, Ruby can’t control other people, so her choice is to tolerate smoking or leave, and obviously she’d rather do neither. But… her partner is doing the exact same thing. By getting into a relationship knowing that smoking was a deal-breaker, then continuing to smoke, the partner is also trying to have her cake and eat it, too. At least Ruby was upfront about what she needed.
Yes, I get that it’s an addiction, but that doesn’t make the sneaking around less jerkish. Of course the partner was afraid of how Ruby would react to knowing she was smoking- just like anyone would be afraid of their partner’s reaction if they broke the ‘rules’ of their relationship.
Sorry for the hack job on your post, but there is a reason behind it. You’re afraid, hurt, disappointed and very pissed, that’s quite clear. But, in that list of emotions, the one thing that’s missing is your concern for her, her health and well being. Maybe you’re taking the wrong approach here.
I wish you luck. As an ex-smoker I know what’s involved and the will power necessary to succeed. I don’t think someone being pissed at me for smoking would have motivated me as much as their concern for my health.
Not yet. But when a smoker develops COPD or lung cancer, or one of the other fun long-term health effects of smoking, guess who winds up taking care of them? Their partners and/or kids, that’s who. Have you ever done it? Sat with a parent or partner who was dying or was touch-and-go because they couldn’t/wouldn’t put down the fucking coffin nails, wondering how long it will take them to die and just how awful things will get before that happens, I mean? Knowing every second that this was completely avoidable? In case you haven’t, it sucks.
You know the story about Prometheus, how the eagles would fly down and rip his liver out of his living body and then it would grow back so they could do it again tomorrow? It’s like that. Except instead of a liver, it’s your heart getting ripped out every day.
And the OP’s already been through it once. Everybody tossing around words like “sanctimonious” and talking about what an awful girlfriend she is must be made of much stouter stuff than I am if you could turn around and voluntarily sign up to go through that a second time. I could never do it, I could never fault anyone else for not being willing to do it, and though it’s probably a bit of projection of my own issues, I think it’s a total entitled, self-centered, dick-ass move to expect someone to put themselves through that for you.
Especially if that person knows you’ve already been through it once, which the girlfriend in this situation presumably does.
Ruby, I understand. My dad, despite the dead tissue in the back wall of his heart, despite the quadruple bypass, despite the stroke, despite the stents in every major artery in his body still smokes. And tells the world’s most transparent lies about it right to our faces, like we’re all too stupid to know what’s going on when we find him standing in the driveway with one hand behind his back and a plume of smoke over his head. The pain, the fear, the frustration and anger…I understand all of it. I don’t have any advice for you, beyond a long, frank talk with your girlfriend about what you do and don’t think you can handle, but I do understand.
I guess it is pretty harsh but it strikes me that you are trying to establish a systems of rewards and punishments based on your idea of what your SO’s behavior should be. If her behavior matches your requirement(s) then she is rewarded. If her behavior does not match your requirements then she is punished, even if her behavior matches her requirements. I’m just thinking of the old “it’s my way or the highway.” It you are going to dictate her behavior and she doesn’t want her behavior dictated, I think it would be better all around to part while you still may be friends instead of fighting until you hate each other. But I’m old and haven’t got time for game playing. YMMV.
Yup - on September 15, 1999, I held my mother’s hand as she died from lung cancer at 46. It was, as you say, the most terrible thing.
I still smoke, and I have a loving, supportive husband who is quite anti-smoking, and I’ve quit and gone back to it. It’s a horrid situation any way you slice it, and I think that the OP’s focus on herself will in no way help any of it.
Communication is key, but the OP seems to be unwilling to even discuss any of it with her girlfriend.
:: shame ::
I meant… I’m feeling shame because intellectually, I realize that most compulsive behaviors (such as smoking) are about control and yet despite feeling like I am in control of my choices and attitudes in 99.5% of the rest of my life, I am still unable to take responsibility for complete control over myself by kicking the damn habit.
So far. It ain’t over til I hack up a lung.
I have, actually, and you are completely right about the hell that results from bad choices. However, that doesn’t change what I wrote. And I actually encouraged Ruby to think through whether she can handle living with a smoker and to decide that without guilt - it’s a hard decision to make!
Nonetheless, it’s still not possible (or in my mind even desirable) to make other rational adult’s decisions for them. It just doesn’t work.
I can’t force my little brother to drive like he’s mortal rather than an incarnation of Speed Racer. I CAN refuse to ride with him, and let him know (in an attempted calm manner) that I think he’s taking chances with his life.
I can’t make my best friend stop popping X like it’s candy, even though we all know he’s depressed and it’s fucking up his seratonin for the rest of his life. I CAN let him know that I hope he’s willing to let us help him if he ever decides to try to break past that crutch.
If my brother or friend end up in the hospital or dead, I will be emotionally ravaged by their pain and their wasted lives, but it is THEIR life, and THEIR pain, and I have no right to force them to comply with what I want, even if it kills me slowly inside to watch them screw their lives over with joy and abandon, and even as I weep in the hospital, I know that is still true. (And yes, I have done before.) It sucks ASS, it is the worst part of caring deeply for someone else, but it’s true.
Furthermore, just going by the rules and staying on the straight and narrow (and choosing to associate only with people who do likewise) isn’t a guarantee that you won’t end up watching someone (or caring for someone) you love as they die horribly or suffer horribly anyway.
Maybe that’s fatalistic of me, but there are hundreds of people who end up with lung cancer who never smoked in their lives, and avoided people who did. Are their friends and family any more or less in anguish because the cancer didn’t result from stupid actions?
My problem with the partner has nothing to do with who is “correct” from a health standpoint, but that she knew it was a dealbreaker and went ahead anyway. This isn’t a situation where someone who was happily smoking away had their partner suddenly change the rules on them. The partner knew it was a huge issue for Ruby and said she wasn’t doing it, then did it anyway, sneaking around to do it. To me, that’s a huge betrayal.
Why is it okay to lie to your partner about an issue that is important to them and that you know will be a big problem? If this were a cheater, recovering alcoholic, or heroin addict lying about their relapse, I don’t think anyone would be defending them.
I’d cut her loose for the dishonesty, independent of whether or not I could bring myself to date a smoker. It’s about trust as much as smoking.
You don’t get to choose what other people do. All you can do is choose what you are going to do. That’s true no matter how much time and energy you’ve invested in changing someone in the past.
You have even less control over what other people want. You can’t even always control what you want (if you doubt this, try going on a diet), why would you think you can control what someone else wants?
Your partner smokes at least occasionally. That’s something you’re going to have to deal with. You have a few options:
[ul]
[li]You can leave.[/li][li]You can ask her to limit where and when she smokes, for example, no smoking in the house.[/li][li]You can accept it.[/li][/ul]
What isn’t likely to work is trying to guilt her into quitting, and, worse, trying to guilt her into wanting to quit for herself, not for you. Trying to guilt her about her smoking isn’t likely to help your relationship, either. That’s true whether you succeed at making her feel guilty or not.
You don’t own her because you fixed her up in the past. She doesn’t owe you obedience for helping her quit smoking last time. Thinking someone owes it to you to obey you because you have invested something in them is… not a real modern way of thinking about relationships, y’know? It’s the same kind of thinking that date rapists do when they think a girl “owes” them sex because they paid for dinner.
You’re probably also thinking something like, “Smoking is bad. I’m right and she’s wrong, and she should change.” Maybe so, but “I’m right, s/he’s wrong and should change” is generally not a helpful attitude in a relationship. That kind of attitude is maddening to deal with. Do you make better decisions when you’re mad, or when you’re not?
Not only do you have no right to do that, you can’t do it. Just like you have no right to travel faster than the speed of light. You can’t make someone else do what you want.
It’s the nature of an addiction like many have with tobacco, booze or heroin, that the person who is an addict finds it very difficult, despite their best wishes, to stop using the substance they are addicted to.
There are studies out there which have compared this. From a previous thread:
http://www.tfy.drugsense.org/tfy/addictvn.htm
Note that for “dependance” nicotine rates highest on both scales (moreso that either heroin or cocaine) - “dependance” defined as follows:
An addict may well “promise” to quit, and be quite sincere in that promise at the time it is made, but simply not be able to do it - or at least, so the studies indicate. Getting morally judgey about that promise seems rash - particularly where, as here, it appears the “promise” was more or less extorted in the first place.
In what way does that defend the sneaking around and lying about it, other than “other addicts do it so it’s okay”?
I don’t care if she can’t quit; she should have owned it and ended the relationship so she could smoke, or not started back up.
I guess that’s a POV, if one is of the opinion that an extorted and difficult-to-follow promise is so morally binding and failing to hold up to it is a sign of such moral failure as to render the other person unsuitable as a partner. Though what that really amounts to is that the non-smoker should not even attempt a relationship with someone quitting smoking.
A more sensible approach, IMO, is surely to recognize that extorting this type of absolute promise isn’t really a good idea in the first place under these circumstances.
Seems to me that a loving relationship ought not to be filled with this sort of built-in self-destruct, involving what the other person does with their body. It’s like saying ‘I made my wife promise she’d lose weight, and I caught her eating a donut. I guess the marriage is off - she’s a lying liar from liarsville. If she wanted a donut, she ought to have had the gumption to divorce me first’.
She has made it very clear that she doesn’t really want to quit. She has further been clear that she doesn’t think it’s a big deal.
You need to re-evaluate how big a deal this is for you. Trying to make her quit won’t work, you will only succeed in becoming someone neither of you like very much.
Either accept what she has told you, or get out.