I just caught my partner smoking again.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Ruby, I understand where you’re coming from - cigs can bring you a number of different ways of dying, all of them ugly, and no one wants to watch a loved one go through that.

But step back a moment. Do you really want to give up a supportive, loving relationship with another human being over this? Smoking is stupid, it’s self-destructive, it’s absurd - but we all do stupid, self-destructive, absurd things, and most of them will kill us sooner or later. I probably eat too many fatty foods, and I arguably drink more than is healthy. Many of my friends are the same way. Some of my friends drive like utter idiots. And, yes, a bunch of them smoke.

It seems unwise to give up a relationship that means a lot to you just because your partner has chosen a vice that may kill her horribly in a couple of decades. Why toss those two happy decades away?

42

This. Everybody dies, and it’s usually pretty bad. Foolish to focus on that, and ignore the fact that you’ve got a long time until that happens.

43

A wise person once pointed out to me that if someone was lying to me, I should look at what I had been doing to encourage them to lie. You seem pretty hurt that she was hiding this from you, but you had effectively punished her before for telling you about smoking, so her hiding it from you was at the very least perfectly normal human behavior.

Now, for the rest of this, bear in mind that I watched my father die from smoking-related heart disease, and watched a boyfriend’s grandfather die from emphysema. I have not quit smoking, but I did quit caffeine.

And after I swore I would never even date another smoker (first lover was), I ended up married to someone who smokes.

I think you’ve already thought about this, but the first thing you need to do is to decide whether it is more important for you to have a partner that doesn’t smoke, or to have the love of this person. If you decide that this person’s love is more important, you do need to accept that she may smoke the rest of her life and she may die of smoking related diseases. (Of course, we will ALL die. She might die tomorrow from something completely random).

Your next step is to apologize for trying to control her behavior, and to let her know that you love her even though she is still smoking. Let her know that you accept her, as she is, weaknesses and all,, even though you still don’t like the smoking. If you can’t accept her as she is, go back to step one.

You may need to repeat this mantra: “When she smokes, she still loves me. When she smokes, I still love her”

Next you need to set boundaries. Just because you are accepting her smoking in general, doesn’t mean that you can’t ask her to do certain things that affect you specifically. You can ask that she not smoke inside your residence, and that she not smoke around you because it makes you sad. (If her smoking makes you angry, … am I starting to sound like a broken record?)

After you have done this, if you mention her smoking again, it should only be to tell her that it makes you sad, that you will help her in any way that she asks IF she wants to stop. And you should only do this if you can do it with love and acceptance, and hopefully, a certain amount of humor. If you feel anger or, worse, contempt, keep your mouth shut.

44

I want to foward this entire thread to my husband. I am not smoking now because we are family planning. And I have always been able to start and stop pretty easily. But he knows that in no uncertain terms, my smoking is my choice, and has nothing to do with him.

I was a smoker off and on when we met, when we courted, when we moved in together, when we married. But it made him irrationally, ballistically angry, any time I would light up. And the angrier he got, the more I wanted to smoke. The spite just made it that much better. ((actually, since the inception of our relationship, this is the only thing we really fought about)).

This isn’t about you, Ruby, but I understand you. You are like my husband. Your girlfriend may end up quitting. But it ain’t gonna be about you. And just like me, there is always going to be a little part of your girlfriend’s heart that is going to resent the shit out of you. And that resentment will actually make it harder for her to quit.

Good luck!

45

You seriously need to chill.

Almost all smokers (and other addicts) relapse. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, although your actions and reactions can significantly increase her stress, which gets the addiction monkey to smile, tell her its the only one that understands her and that she’ll feel better and less stressed if she just has another cigarette.

Drop the moral outrage and self-involved, “How could she do this to me?” stuff. I’m happy and proud of you that you had a relatively easy time kicking the habit, but the experience for the vast majority of us is completely different. Addictions are cyclical. People fall off the wagon and the reactions of their support group is a major determining factor on if they get back on or not. “You stumbled. It happens. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. How can I help you avoid the next stumbling block?” works well. Hollering fights do not.

46

Lots of good advice here and lots for me to consider…

I agree, this issue hasn’t been the most rational for me. My reactions have been tempered by (1) my own struggle with nicotine addiction and (2) being my dad’s primary caretaker as he was slowly strangling to death with COPD. Even so, I acknowledge my reaction is over the top and I do really need to learn how to dial it back or I will only succeed in driving us apart.

Good words for me to remember.

Her saying it was “no big deal” was indeed bullshit. However, if I am to understand many of you in this thread, my making it a big deal was also bullshit so I guess we’re even.

Where in the Sam Hell did you get the idea that I’m unwilling to discuss this with her. We already have discussed it and will continue to do so. The damn reason I came to the board in the first place was to get other people’s perspective so that I could talk with her rationally without all of the hurt feelings and drama.

This was just as hurtful as (maybe even more so) than the smoking. I couldn’t believe that she would lie to me and sneak behind my back.

You’re right and I know I have my weaknesses and failures too. I have to gain some perspective here. As much as I hate it, the world didn’t stop spinning on it’s axis when she lit that cigarette.

I agree (and indicated in my OP) that since I freaked out the last time, I’m sure telling me was the last thing she wanted to do. I think I’m going to have to print this post out and stick it on my mirror so I see it every day. Keeping my mouth shut has not been my strong suit. I do owe her an apology and will do so tonight.

Reading many of these replies has given me a lot of food for thought. The last thing I want to be is a sanctimonius control freak who only wants her to do what I tell her to do. If I sound like that to you then I may have sounded like that to her. Demands and ultimatums won’t work, I know that. I thought she quit the first time not because I wanted her to but because SHE wanted to. I know better now.

You’re right, I have to decide if it’s really worth it. Can I change my deep seated hatred of smoking? Can she change her deep seated addiction to smoking? I don’t know.

Gah.

47

There are a lot of people in this thread downplaying how serious a cigarette addiction is, but if it is a big deal to you, it’s a big deal to you. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you’re intolerant of being in a relationship with someone addicted to cigarettes; that’s a personal choice only you can make. I hope the two of you can work this out, but dealbreakers in relationships don’t tend to go away; they tend to break relationships eventually.

48

No, there is nothing inherent in an addict that requires them to lie when they can’t handle it. And she’s still lying, even when caught red handed. That’s the type of person who likes to excuse their behavior.

Nicotine addiction is hard to break, but it doesn’t really change the base personality that much, especially not as much as harder drugs. This is someone who thinks hiding something she is ashamed of will solve the problem. That is something that needs to be dealt with.

The problem is that, since you made it about smoking, the anti-anti-smokers have come out.

49

My POV is that, if you go into a relationship with someone who has a huge problem with something, then do it anyway, you’re being a gigantic asshole. I also don’t see how the promise was extorted. The partner knew it was a dealbreaker, did it once, promised not to do it again, and then continued, hiding it. That’s more like if my husband cheats on me then I “extort” a promise from him never to do it again. It’s not extortion to expect someone to follow the rules of the relationship after they’ve broken them once; they don’t become null because someone violated them and was given another chance.

I’m sure Ruby would have been more sympathetic if her partner had come to her and said, “I’m really having trouble with this, I slipped up and smoked, what can we do” rather than having to get caught to own up at all, then downplaying it. As it is now, the partner’s pretty much relinquished her right to a supportive rather than angry Ruby by being a liar. Now, if the relationship is important enough to Ruby that she’s willing to be with someone who smokes and lies about it, that’s fine, and she should be nice and supportive in the future because it’s most effective. I would not be, however, (and would probably strongly consider leaving) because my tolerance for my partner lying to me about things that he knows are important to me is practically nonexistent.

50

Except that it sounds like Ruby wasn’t very supportive the last time around when her girlfriend didn’t lie about it:

So it’s absurd to claim that the girlfriend’s actions are what removed the chance of a supportive Ruby when past evidence shows that Ruby wouldn’t have been supportive anyway.

51

Of course it is “about smoking”. :confused: And I have yet to see a single “anti-anti-smoker” post. Is there anyone here claiming that smoking is not a bad thing?

The point here is that the OP out and admits that last time her SO admitted to a relapse, she threw a shit-fit at her. Her very words:

Is it any huge surprise that, when she again had a relapse, she didn’t exactly go rushing to admit it?

On the one hand the OP wants her SO to trust her and confide in her:

On the other, she tells us that the last time she trusted and confided in her, rather that reacting constructively, it ended in a huge fight - not a constructive “we can do this thing together” session at all.

Do you really not see the problem with that? I suppose you can make this a morality tale in which the OP has been ‘betrayed’ and her SO is totally in the wrong and deserving of judgment; but there is really only one way that tale ends - with the relationship ending.

If the OP wants that, then let her adopt your POV.

52

… except that we know from the OP herself that last time her SO came to her like that, she wasn’t supportive at all. See the quotes above. So why are you “sure” she would be?

The problem here is that it is the OP who is “setting” the rules of the relationship. Fidelity isn’t really a good analogy, since that is if you will the ‘default’ setting for most relationships - sure, one can have a relationship in which fidelity isn’t the expectation, but most would agree that has to be negotiated in advance.

A better analogy is the one I already mentioned - the husband who requires that the wife promise to lose weight. Or the SO who demands that the other SO not mastrubate - though of course, mastrubation isn’t itself inherently harmful.

Setting “rules” as in “my way or the highway” about what the SO in a relationship can or cannot do with their own body, as well-intentioned as it may be, is extremely controlling. A better approach is to work on issues as a couple, no?

53

Sounds like you’re trying to spare yourself the pain of loss by threatening to break up with her if she doesn’t comply with your “deal breaker”? Let me ask you this: If you break up with her now, will your loss be less profound because you’re doing it based on principle vs. her body failing? Or will you have harmed yourself even more by chasing away someone who might have brought you years of happiness?

**

My sister bought an expensive camera and a bunch of great lenses a few years ago. When we were at the beach, I asked her where her camera was. She said she left it at home because the sand and water might damage it.

I said, "And…?

She said, “Well, then I wouldn’t be able to use it any more.”

“And then you wouldn’t be able to take pictures?”

“Right.”

And I just smiled at her until she realized how ridiculous that was.

If you break up with this woman to spare yourself the pain of losing her, then you’re not sparing yourself anything, are you? What is painful about loss is that you can’t be with that person anymore. Chasing them away means that you can’t be with that person anymore. So your ultimatum gains you nothing.

54

Sorry, didn’t mean to leave that part in. I actually don’t think Ruby should have to be supportive of something that’s a dealbreaker.
Everyone gets to set the rules for their relationships, at the beginning. Setting a rule like “don’t ever gain weight” may make you a jerk, but if your partner agrees to that at the beginning, they shouldn’t be shocked when you freak out about them gaining weight. They TOLD you what they were like. And Ruby did the same thing. She was up-front, so why would her partner be at all surprised at her freaking out about a relapse?

Working on issues as a couple is a great approach for things that are at all negotiable. If smoking isn’t negotiable, what middle ground are they going to find?

I also don’t think breaking up with someone is quite the same as watching them die a painful death. That’s just me, though.

55

I think many of us are confusing this lady with someone who wants to quit. She wants to smoke, she has said so openly, and has stated that she doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

Ruby wants this lady as her partner, and she wants a partner who doesn’t smoke. Her partner wants to be in a relationship with Ruby, and to be able to smoke. There are enough other factors here (possibly including true love) to make each of them develop a whole series of unseemly behaviors in response to the resulting conflict of emotions. Ruby has become a screaming fishwife, much to her own consternation. Her partner has becoming a scheming liar, probably to her consternation.

The bottom line is that you each need to review your priorities with cool honesty, and decide whether you can live together in the situation* as it exists.*

56

This made me realize that there are probably two things going on here; being with a smoker in a relationship now, and watching your beloved smoker die a premature, painful death in the future. If Ruby’s problem is the first one, then she should probably end the relationship now - she IS with a smoker, with all the nastiness that entails. If her problem is the second one, there’s a lot more wiggle-room on that - everyone you love is going to die some day, and non-smokers have premature, painful deaths, too. If the problem is both, I think I’d still have to recommend breaking up (but not with ultimatums - simply, “I can’t be with a smoker, and you’re a smoker. I wish you all the best in the future.”)

57

I have been in exactly your situation, Ruby, with my husband. The lying is a lot worse than the smoking for me. I never never thought he would lie to me about anything. It made me completely look at him in a new way. I don’t know why all these people here are suggesting that it was ok for her to lie to you because you were harsh with her before. Yes, she probably didn’t want to tell you she was smoking again. But that doesn’t make lying ok. You don’t get a pass on lying just because you caught hell last time! I personally think you should look harder at the lying and make it clear to her that that might be a deal breaker.

58

I did not mean “supportive” of her smoking, but rather “supportive” of her in her quitting.

So if Ruby’s SO came to her and said “I’m having a relapse”, perhaps the better way of dealing with it would not be to freeak out and start a big fight.

If the rules are applied unreasonably, you are setting your relationship up for failure. Why would doing that be a good thing?

She probably wasn’t “surprised” at all - which is why, rather than confiding in her, she tried to hide it.

I agree that the smoking may be non-negotiable. However, as I’ve said from the beginning, not everyone can simply quit cold turkey without ever having a relapse - in fact, most quitters relapse.

So a “middle ground” here would be - being supportive of one’s partner’s attempt to quit, meaning not throwing a fit when she has a relapse.

Why is that so impossible or undesireable? How can there be no ‘middle ground’ between “go ahead, smoke all you want” and thowing a big dramatic fight?

59

If you demand honesty about every personal habit, you must display some willingness to listen reasonably. It is really that simple.

Trust has to go both ways.

60

I don’t agree with this at all. I don’t ‘demand honesty about every personal habit,’ which makes it sound both nasty (demand) and trivial (every personal habit). But if I find out someone is lying to me about one thing I tend to distrust them in other ways. That’s not a good basis for a relationship.