If it’s going to be excruciating and agonizing for you both, why not just discreetly leave a book in his room where he’ll find it, with a note saying that he can ask you any questions he may have? My parents did that, minus the note, and dear god I was glad to have to avoid that.
I also have a 13 year old boy, with whom I have “had the talk”, and a 12 year old boy to whom I will give “the talk”. My wife also wanted me to have the talk with my 15 year old girls. I convinced her that there were some topics I couldn’t cover with the girls - like what to do with a tampon. Associated health issues, yes, what to do when blood flow starts in a class, no.
Likewise with you and your boy. I think you are too focused on what he can learn from a book or at school. Yeah, either of you can and should go over the above topics, but there are social aspects that only a man can relay. BTW, topic 3 should be covered by how you live. Civility is always best learned by example, rather than than lecture. (I would also add that “tricking” her into anything is flat out wrong, and often rape.) I think you are a little harsh in topic 2. I can’t imagine being most of the way through any sexual act, and not having some negative thoughts if either of you back out. I’d also add, that no matter how embarrassing a situation he gets in (think American Pie movies), you both will always love him. That said:
Things your husband can cover, but you can’t (either for believability, your knowledge, or comfort issues):
- That it is damn near impossible to stop once you’ve started, so be sure she isn’t going to want to change her mind during. It is even harder to stop after your done, so make sure she is very unlikely to regret anything.
- How to handle rejection, from asking for the date to more serious issues. And its flip side. What’s the worst that can happen if you ask and she says no? Take the chance. No guy will ever give you crap for trying, even the ones that hate you, and if a girl does more than kindly or embarrassingly say some form of “no”, it is a good thing she did you regect you.
- The normality of thinking about sex, or related issues, on average, roughly every second of every day.
- What to do with a hard on in embarassing situations - in the class, when dancing with someone not interested or in whom you are not interested, at the beach, …
- The various ways a woman says no, or she’s not interested. (I actually had a girl tell me she had to go to a funeral. So, I asked her about next week. :rolleyes: )
- What to do when you and your best friend want the same girl or woman.
- When it is ok to move in on a friend’s exgirl.
- Wondering about her sister, cousin best friend, or even mom, is normal. Doing something with any of them makes you a $hit.
Things you can cover, but your husband can’t.
- What it is like to be a the woman in a relationship. And all that entails.
- The social issues of how women work. From what it means if the guy picks up tampons for you, to more serious issues.
- Ways to handle the situation of a girl being way more into you than you are into her. (I know I handled that extremely poorly myself, and caused undue pain. Frankly, I’m still clueless.)
- The various ways a woman says no. (See 5 above. I bet you and hubby have different takes on lines like “You’re like a brother to me.”
- Various other forms of interaction of which most men are cluess. “Dad, what does it mean when a girl comes up, asks a silly question, and runs off giggling?” “Beats me, son. She might have a crush on you, she might have been dared to do something and chickened out. Go ask your mom”.
You might mention that any stinging, burning, painful/difficult urination needs to be looked at by a doctor. Kids can pick up infections even if they aren’t sexually active, and some kids are afraid to say anything to their parents.
Oh great, the Google ad is “Get Her Pregnant Now.”
When my son was 13 we had The Talk, but it wasn’t difficult or embarrassing for either of us. I had always treated him with the respect I would any adult. I didn’t talk down to him, but asked what he already knew. I started by clearing up some misconceptions (no pun intended) like pregnancy and swimming pools. He too knew how babies were made. We’d talked and read books about that as early as his first questions about it.
I tried to use logical rather than judgmental scripts. He responded very well, he asked lots of questions, about both function and social morés.
One of his friends had had his talk with his dad a few weeks before, so we talked about the conversations with his friend, using logic and science to validate some of the “thou shalts” the other boy heard.
I know he used good judgment in his initial sexual experimentation.
Of course, when I met the love of my life a few years later, he thought he needed to give me The Talk. :dubious:
If the kid is 13, you are kidding yourself about his needing any of this.
What makes you think that?
I disagree, ProTem. I think at 13 he probably thinks he knows everything, and has most of it backwards and is afraid he’s a freak about the rest of it.
That would be my advice, WhyNot - reassure him that he’s normal, and everything he’s thinking and feeling is normal.
Yeah- I suspect he “knows” a lot of things that aren’t true. He probably knows some that are, too, but too many people, including teenagers, are not very good at knowing which sources of information to trust and which ones not to trust.
My best friend told
he told that his mother
he told me that his mother told him how to masturbate!!
:eek: :eek: :eek:
I don’t know what was odder. His mother telling him this or him telling me his mother told him this.
Of course, this explains why there’s a trashcan full of kleenix next to his bed(I thought it was allergies!).
When I high school age, my mother, neving having learned to knock despite repeated requests, walked in on me while I was masturbating. That led to two things. I installed a lock, and she insisted that my father should give me the talk. He sat me down at the kitchen table, but before he got very far into it, my mother marched in and told him he had it all wrong. He said he knew what he was doing. One thing led to another, and the two of them ended up arguing. I sneaked off, figuring that (1) since I had already been very happily sexually active for a few years, I wouldn’t miss anything; and (2) given how old my parents were when they married, and how many years it was after marriage that they finally had children, it was possible that neither of them had their facts straight, opening the possibility that I was merely the result of enough monkeys at enough keyboards.
Oh indeed. And this addresses the point about being careful who he entrusts his sperm to in what way, exactly?
HAH! I would love to go in the WayBack Machine to witness this argument between your parents. Priceless.
If you ever write a biography, this NEEDS to be the opening line.
I’m time-limited so haven’t read all the answers, but in case it hasn’t been mentioned:
Please, PLEASE remember to tell him that virgin girls may bleed. Possibly copiously.
Nobody thought to tell this to my first boyfriend and I’d rather assumed he’d know.
It is not something a guy would want to find out at the event.
Wow, lots of great answers here. I wish I had the time to reply to every one as it deserves, but suffice it to say that all posts have been taken into account, and all of them share valuable insights. Thank you all.
I have to admit, in the interest of a succinct title and post, I made it sound as if I never talk about this stuff, and it’s going to be one big blast of awkward at the only sit-down we’ve ever had. That’s not true. We’ve talked about much of this, in pieces, mostly in the car (where he doesn’t have to make eye contact and is therefore more forthcoming.) But there’s no easy way for me to list all that I have said, it’s easier to ask for suggestion on what to include to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything.
ProTem, I understand what you’re saying, and agree that for many kids, this would be too late - especially if I hadn’t addressed anything at all previously and if he wasn’t getting nuts-n-bolts sex ed in school. However, I know my kid, and we talk a lot. He’s not yet interested in girls, although some of his friends are. He’s still at the “girls are weird, and boys get dumb around them” stage - although I know that will be changing very soon. That’s why I want to make sure he’s got his bases covered, before he’s really interested in them.
WhyDad is painfully in denial about WhyKid being old enough for any of this. It’s sort of driving me nuts. I mentioned this morning that when I hugged WhyKid goodbye, I noticed his cheek was getting a little rough, although I can’t see beard hair yet. “I’m going to get him shaving supplies for Yule, because he’ll need them shortly,” I said. WhyDad made an ugly face and said, “He won’t need those for a long time!” Erm. Yes. He does. Denial does not stop time! 