"The Talk" from Mother to Son - what should be included?

So, for reasons of his own, my husband is not willing/able to give The Talk to our almost 13 year old son. I think it’s about time. He knows the mechanics of Where Babies Come From, as well as some interesting visuals from the internet (le sigh), but I want to get some other, practical stuff into his head.

Of course, this will be excrutiating and embarrassing for both of us. I don’t care. His health is worth some embarrassment. But I would like to make sure I include all the important stuff, so I’m not going “Oh! And also…” for the next week.

Things I want to cover:

  1. Sex makes relationships complicated. I highly recommned getting a few practice relationships in before adding sex to the equation.
  2. Don’t say yes unless you mean it. Don’t pressure her (or him, I suppose) to say yes unless she means it. If she says yes, then changes her mind, even *during *sex, the answer is no - stop immediately! (Likewise, if *you *change your mind, even during sex, you should stop. If she can’t respect that, she’s a bitch.)
  3. Don’t gossip, brag, or talk about it later with other people. It’s private!
  4. At this moment in time, condoms are your only birth control choice as a male. It needs to be put on before any sort of genital contact, not just before you come. (I’ve talked to people who think they have a safe window for condomless sex for a few minutes, as long as they stop and put on a condom before ejaculation.)
  5. Even if another male contraception comes along, condoms are your only STD prevention choice. You can buy them at Walgreens.
  6. Don’t keep a condom in your pocket, wallet or (later) car. Heat destroys them.

What else should be included?

Maybe you should save this for later, but it’s good for guys to know what girls need, too. How they work, common things that go wrong (yeast infections, UTIs, and so on), and how to treat them right.

Given that it will be excrutiating and embarrassing for both of you, I’d consider getting a book to go along with the discussion. He may not feel comfortable asking you questions, but he will squirrel away that book and read it in detail.

Not being a parent, I dunno what the best book out there is, but I’m sure someone will come along and suggest one.

I say that, btw, as someone who had to explain How Girls Work to two boyfriends (though I wasn’t sleeping with them) and was grateful when I met DangerDad, who already knew what he needed to and was happy to buy tampons to boot. My MIL is a marvelous woman in some ways.

Better explain his 100% total lack of reproductive rights, and that he should be slightly chary of entrusting his sperm even to someone he’d willingly allow to hold an open razor to his throat when she had PMT.

/grumpy old geezer.

Btw, WhyNot, you rock. All I ever got from either of my parents was my mother mumbling something, after I’d been seen kissing a girl at a bonfire night (wow, 29 years since my first proper kiss, to the week), about “not bringing disgrace on the family”. :rolleyes:

Uh, males may not have equal right with regard to ending a pregnancy, but they are 100% equal to women when it comes to the right not to do anything that might result in one.

Excellent summary of things needed to be covered.
Maybe a couple of books for him to look at on his own time. I think there is one called, " What’s going on down there?" for guys ( and one for girls) that is suppose to be good.

Also, why not, on another day so as not to overwhelm him, explain the mechanics of how womens reproductive cycle works. The crabbiness and mood swings along with the fertile time period of doom.

A book, definitely. I’d much prefer that.

And also, I don’t know if you want to dump that much on him all at once! I don’t think I’d absorb that much. A brief outline with the understanding that he can talk to you is better perhaps. But you know him better.

This is part suggestion, part question. I was going to suggest you remind him that oil based lubes and condoms DO NOT MIX. Then I thought, how common is need/usage of lube in that age group anyway? I never seem to recall that coming into play until later.

I definitely agree with the idea of giving him a book to read. Books were where I learned most of what I needed to know. I most certainly would not have asked my mom about sex!
Not because she wasn’t willing to talk about it (she tried to talk about it)…just because it was, in my teen view, GROSS to have such a talk with mom!

I think the stuff you’re planning to tell him is important, and I would definitely agree with being careful not to overwhelm him with TOO much info.
Another idea that might be worth mentioning…don’t wear more than one condom at the same time. I’ve heard of some people who think if one condom is good protection, two are better, but in fact two at a time makes it more likely than they will break. But, speaking of breaking condoms, you might also want to explain that there is a morning after pill if such a thing should happen (although it has a higher failure rate than do properly used condoms, so don’t think you can do it without a condom and the girl can just go get the morning after pill).

Keep in mind that he might like to ask hypothetical questions, about something he’s heard from someone at school, and those questions do NOT necessarily mean he’s involved in whatever the question is about. My mom had the mindset “asking about sex == having sex”, so I could never ask her any questions that I had.

Point him to this page on snopes, which debunks a lot of “a girl can’t get pregnant if…” myths that he might have heard.

I don’t envy you! I would also give him a book that he can refer to, he might be too embarrassed to ask you specific questions. I think it was here that I read another thread where someone stated if he had to ask his mom a sex question he would immediately spontaneously combust from embarrassment. This is info I filed away for future use (my son is 1.)

Is his dad at least available for him to go to if he has a question? If not, is there another male in his life who he can go to who you both trust?

My mother gave me age appropriate books from the time I was 10 or so. It worked out quite well. We had a few laying around the house all the time and both me and my little brothers read them. I new more about sex ed than just about anyone else even though I wasn’t having any.

I can understand being a little uncomfortable talking about it but not being totally embarrassed. Your comfort on such matters can become invaluable later so I suggest you try to appear at least a little open and at ease. This is all stuff he’s heard before but in bits and pieces. It is up to you to appear that it is all natural and weave it into an understandable whole.

Let him know what he can expect physically: hair growth, body changes, voice change. Explain that having lots of sexual thoughts, inconvenient erections, and masturbation are normal.

It would be nice if Dad would discuss things with him like what to do when he gets a classroom erection. You only get one chance to be there for your children at the difficult times in their growth. I went through puberty with no help from my parents, and I’ll never forgive them for the pain and embarrassment they could’ve spared me. Now that I’m an adult, Mom wants to be my girl buddy, but all I can think is, “Where were you when I needed you?”

I’ve had the talk a few times with my sons. The first with my firstborn was when he was about 12, the first with my second was when he was about 10. It wasn’t as terrible as I thought it was at all.

I did give them a book, we leafed through it together while I talked, and I left it with them, told them to read it on their own time, and to come to me with any questions.

I knew they were reading it because I’d had to put it back on the shelf on more than one occassion while cleaning up their room.

The book I gave them was What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Boys : A Growing Up Guide for Parents and Sons. I’d recommend it, but there are other books out there that might be a better fit for you or your son.

The book, along with our talks, and sex education in school, seemed to be sufficient in teaching them about the birds and the bees.

I still talk to them. My oldest is sexually active, and I try to remind him the importance of condoms, and talk more about the risk of STDs. This topic proves to be harder than any other. He is, as far as I can tell, in an exclusive relationship with the girl he started dating 2 years ago. 18 year olds are, well, they know everyhting about everything you know (ha!), and they seem to live in their own little ideal world. He certainly didn’t take kindly to my assuming his girl might be out on the town, so to speak. Regardless, I stand my ground on the need for condom use. Whether they are using them or not, I do not know.

My youngest, as far as I know, is not sexually active and has not been. He’s 14. He’s a bit more open and up front with me than my oldest. I’ve given him a box of condoms and he swears he hasn’t had an occassion to use them yet, and that he wouldn’t dream of not using them when the time comes.
I tend to believe him.

Don’t be afraid to use slang words and don’t make it too clinical. My parents (both nurses) explained the birds and the bees using Gray’s Anatomy. While I was in middle school. I had no clue what a blowjob was, but damn if I could point out fallopian tubes. :rolleyes:

couldn’t :smack:

Speaking as someone who was a young boy, and had a horribly awkward and useless “talk” from my single mom, I honestly would have preferred any male authority figure, even a complete stranger, to give the talk. I probably ended up far more confused/awkward/repressed about sex issues just because all of my insecurities and questions were now revealed to the one person who I didn’t want to know about them.

Boys need to hear it from men, girls from women.

And, even though I am a tree-hugging progressive in all other aspects of life, I still think the talk is best given in conjunction with the first gutting of a deer and celebrated with a sharing of a lite beer between father and son.

How about that sometimes boys like boys and girls like girls, and that’s ok, even though some other people may have a problem with it.