Parents, I need some advice on the sex talk.

In My Humble Opinion
1

My son is almost 11 years old, we’ve already had the sex talk and I thought a did a pretty good job. I was as direct and answered the questions as truthfully as possible, taking his age into account. He seems pretty comfortable asking me sex questions and will ask me a lot that make me squirm, but I always try to give him the best information.

Like I said, I thought I did a good job. Until this weekend.

Friends of ours came up to visit, my husband and a friend were talking about movies. Friend was saying that he thought American Pie was very funny. My son asked if he could see the movie, I told him no, I didn’t think it was appropiate for him yet. Then he tells me one of his little friends saw it and told him all about it, including the scene where a boy drinks pee from a beer glass. Now, anyone who’s seen the movie, knows that’s not the case. My bonehead friend looked at him and said, no he didn’t drink pee.

So, now what ? Should I sit the boy down and explain oral sex to him ? Is there an easy way to do that ?

I know it’s going to happen and I want him to have the most correct information I can give him, but the thought of my little boy having any kind of sex makes my a little uncomfortable.

2

Disclaimer: I don’t have children and haven’t even seen American Pie, so I don’t know what he drank from that beer glass. I’m guessing semen.

Depends. When you had the sex talk, did you go the “sex makes babies” route or the “sex feels good” route? If the former, you’re going to have to explain that most of the time, people have sex not for procreation but for pleasure. If the latter, you should be able to explain that there are many different ways to “feel good”, and that he’ll discover most of them in time.

Not to sound harsh, but get over it. It’s best for both of you.

3

I’m 24 and my mom still feels uncomfortable thinking of me engaging in any kind of sex act. How she ever expects to get grand kids, I don’t know, but anyway…

I’m pretty suprised that, by the age of 11, your son doesn’t already know about oral sex. Not saying that he’s engaged in it, but that the kids on the bus or on the playground haven’t been throwing around the likes of “Suck my dick” or “Blow me” and the like. I learned all of my swear words, including the phrase “jacking off” and it’s meaning on the bus in grade school, and that was a good 15 years ago or so, and having worked with kids in the past, I know they’re worse/just as bad. I’m pretty sure your son has some understanding of oral sex, and it’s best that you discuss it with him so the playground talk isn’t the only source of his knowledge. Sit him down and ask him what he knows about the subject, and if he’s too shy or plays dumb, just try to talk about it in a “It’s something people do to make the ones they care about feel good, but you’re too young to worry about it now and, just like sex, you need to wait till you find someone with whome it will mean something special” kind of way. I’d avoid all the technical aspects of it, because, well, there’s really not much to go into for the most part, and don’t make it out to be something dirty and disgusting (he may come to that conclusion on his own). Just explain to him that it’s an extention of one’s love for another person, just like sex, and that he’s too young to have those kinds of feelings, and should focus on other things, like playing baseball or school work.

Best of luck.

4

I can’t really help you with your comfort level.

I can say that I have always been really open about sex. To me, it’s a natural part of adult life, and nothing to be ashamed of. I have a hard time “getting” why it’s such a touchy topic for most people. At the age of four, my second oldest could draw a uterus (I was pregnant, and we were explaining all about the baby). I don’t let my kids watch sexually explicit movies, or movies where there are excessive sex jokes (they were one of the few in the neighbourhood that weren’t allowed to watch the Austin Powers movies), but they also know why! I’ve told them that when they’re old enough to HAVE sex, then they can joke about sex. In the meantime, they have no idea what they’re really joking about.

I believe that correct information is the real power. To guard them against predators, we’ve always been pretty frank over the fact that some adults wrongfully try to have sex acts with children, and what to watch for, and how to deal with such a situation. Mind you, we’ve probably been far more exposed to it, since in my sisters line of work, she deals with sexually abused kids, and kids that offend on other children.

When we’re watching a primetime show, and a sex joke is there, I use it as an opportunity to make sure that the kids know what everyone is laughing at. And then the kids think that it’s totally gross (“THAT’S what that’s about? UGH!!!”), but I’d rather that they have a chance to think about this stuff well BEFORE the hormones start raging.

We don’t talk about sex all day, everyday. But I do try to use situations that come up naturally as opportunities for teaching and learning. I think that the best decisions are well-informed decisions.

How would I explain a blow-job to my 10 and 13 year olds?

Well, you know how I’ve explained that sex feels good. There are other sexual acts that don’t involve the vagina. In fact, suction from a mouth feels good too… (and this is where my oldest quickly says “ALIGHTY! I got it. Enough!” and walks away) …and thus this is a common sex act. You’ll usually hear it referred to as a blowjob or oral sex.

Then my son who is still sitting tells me how gross it is, and I explain that while it sounds gross, at some point this will probably be a natural part of a good relationship. And that hopefully the relationship will be when he’s an adult.

5

FWIW -
[ul][li]I wouldn’t think of it as the sex talk so much as the first of the sex talks that will occur over time. [/li][li]Feel free to explain to him that urine and semen are different. “Urine is the waste water from your body; semen is the stuff from the man that makes babies.” (Assuming that is what the movie was about.) [/li][li]I explained oral sex in much the same way as has already been suggested - that sex isn’t just about intercourse and having babies, but one of the ways that married people show their love for each other, that feels good. Oral sex is another of the ways. I drew the analogy to kissing, just on genitals instead of lips. [/li][li]If they respond as they might, with “Ewwww! Gross!”, as one of my children did, I responded by saying that different people liked different things in sex as much as in food or whatever else, and that they never had to do anything in sex that they didn’t want to. [/ul][/li]
YMMV.

Regards,
Shodan

6

I wouldn’t talk about things that the kid might blab at a party with a local church group or at school :slight_smile: I think they need surprising little detail. LIke at four my son asked where he came from & his mother said, ‘you’re from Los Angeles’ & that was enough for him.

How kids deal with information varies from one kid to the other. I remember a Deaf kid who’s father took him aside once when he was a teenager & told him that he was going to explain sex to him & his son turned to him & signed: ‘sure dad, what do you want to know?’

7

I haven’t read these books, but I’ve heard a good buzz on them.

What’s going on down there?

The period book

and, for smaller kids, but not too small, may I heartily recommend ( mainly for the parents, as it is a hoot.)Mommie laid an egg! Loads of fun.

8

In my experience, where parents usually fail with sex education is in not going beyond “here’s how babies are made”. He’s soon going to start having wet dreams and/or masturbating and he’ll likely feel a lot of shame and confusion. If he has the opportunity to start fooling around with girls, this will only intensify. If you arm him with knowledge and perspective, he is much more likely to make good decisions.

Here’s what I think he should know:

  1. People masturbate, touch each other, have oral sex, and/or regular sex in order to have orgasms. Orgasms feel good, and are nothing to be ashamed of. Masturbation and/or sex should be kept private, but are nothing to be ashamed of.

  2. It’s important to take things at your own pace, and not feel pressured into doing anything before you’re ready. There’s no hurry and it sucks to rush into things before you’re ready. Conversely, if you feel ready to do something (and have a willing partner), it’s your decision to make, not ours (his parents).

  3. Once you go beyond masturbation and involve another person, it’s very important to make sure you’re both comfortable doing whatever you’re doing. It’s also important you avoid disease and pregnancy (here explain STDs and condoms again).

Whether you try to tell him all this directly, or you find a good book that says it for you is up to you. I would probably focus on the message of not being ashamed of masturbation and sex, and give him a book so he has an information source when this stuff becomes more relevant. (Make sure the book explains things like oral sex and giving a girl an orgasm, not just “this is where the uterus is”.)

No matter how much information you give him, you won’t encourage sex a minute earlier than if you hadn’t said a word. If anything, when he has some knowledge and perspective, he won’t feel pushed into doing things just to do them.

9

Oh, and another thing. If he doesn’t have his own source of money, give him some ($20? $50? Enough for a month or two, in case he gets a steady girlfriend at some point.) Tell him it’s for condoms when and if he decides to have sex. Don’t give him condoms – they will likely expire before he’s ready to use them, and this way you don’t have to know when/if he’s having sex. Also, if you have a Planned Parenthood in your area, they’ll usually give teenagers very cheap/free birth control. Make sure he knows about it, it’s really an excellent resource.

10

I never had ‘The Talk’ with my parents. Ever. Mostly because I had an older sister who they knew I’d go to first with any questions.

Personally, I don’t entirely understand why it’s neccesary. I know I learned Everything (and I mean Everything) on the schoolbus and from friends before the first sex ed course, in fifth grade.

I’m not a parent, discard my advice if you want. But while your son may not know the details, I don’t think you need to have another talk. Maybe his friend who told him about the movie said it was pee? Maybe he’s still slightly confused, but believe me: give him two or three years and he will not only know everything about sex, but he will think about nothing else (nothing personal, but in my experience, that’s what most 13-14-15year old guys think about).

I do agree on giving him info on birth control, though. Maybe you want to wait a little bit, a year or so. But I know there are a ton of pamphlets, etc out there (they’ve got a whole rack of them in the nurses office at many high schools). If I were a parent, in your shoes, I’d probably just end up giving him a couple pamphlets, and telling him he’s free to ask questions. Chances are that once the hormones get in full swing, he’ll rather get his sex ed from someone other than mom (again, nothing personal.)

Good luck.

11

Yannow, it’s possible he just got bad info about the movie from his friend, and he actually does understand about oral sex, semen, etc. It might be the friend who needs a sex tallk. Just a thought.

When I was a kid, it always bugged the hell out of me if I made a mistake and some adult assumed it was because I didn’t know any better.

12

…and this way you don’t have to know when/if he’s having sex.

Um, Giraffe? Do you have kids?

If my kid is having sex, birth control or no, I’d wanna know about it. I would want to know who she’s doing, if he’s disease free and how he plans to take care of my daughter and grandchild if the condom ever breaks because there will damn well be a shotgun wedding.

I would think that, despite being upset at the idea of their kid having sex, most parents would want to know so they can keep an eye on their kid. What if you didn’t know your kid was having sex and they turned up with swollen lymph nodes and a fever? You (and possibly even they) may think they’ve just got a cold or something and turns out they’ve got syph.

I would think, also, that almost any parent whose kid was going to have sex would want their kid to come talk to them about birth control.

13

My son’s the same age and going thru this glorious phase of asking a question, then not wanting Mom to answer.

It usually takes two or three stops and starts before he gets it all squared away in his head, too much embarassment to do it all at once. So, if it were me, I’d simply correct the misinformation (no, it wasn’t urine that was accidentally drunk, it was ejaculate) and he’d skeeve out because mom used penis-related words, go off to mull for a few days and remember what those words mean, then check back once he had worked it out in his head and run off embarassed again when I validated his conclusion.

He tends to feel more comfortable with correct terminology, it’s all about getting the facts straight first, then on the second or third go round we get to the …morality, for lack of a better word, of whichever act we’re discussing. I’m with Shodan kissing analogy, and also Giraffe’s matter of fact ‘this is something that people sometimes do, and why’ idea.

Now, to admit my utter dorkiness, it took me months to clue to the fact that my son had started having wet dreams (at 10.) He’d tell me he’d wet the bed in the morning, but ‘just my shorts’ and I’d simply downplay it to hit the shower, put your undies in the laundry. :smack:

14

I never had just ONE sex talk with my daughter. I gave her information over the years, as much as she wanted and could handle at each stage. When she was about 8, I used a copy of Our Bodies, Our Selves to help illustrate a point, and then I carefully didn’t notice when the book disappeared from the den bookshelf to reappear in her room. I knew, from the questions that Lisa asked me, that she was reading bits of this book as she wanted the information. Now, some people might think that this book is too explicit for an 8 year old. However, I think that Lisa was reading stuff that she was curious about, and mostly ignoring the stuff she wasn’t ready for. There are other books which are written more for kids than adults, and I think that all kids should have access to these books, and preferably able to keep the books in their room.

I also had an understanding Physician’s Assistant talk to her, because I didn’t know everything there is to know about sex. She was vaccinated against hepatitis B, and given condoms, and I showed her how to put one on a broom handle, and then made her show me that she’d learned how to do this properly. Thus she learned that she really COULDN’T die of embarrassment.

At 24, she’s still a virgin. She says that she just hasn’t met the right guy yet. I tell her that it’s OK, that it’s good that she hasn’t gone out and had sex simply to lose her virginity. She likes guys all right, but she respects herself enough that she knows what she wants, and won’t settle for less.

15

I hope you’re being facetious, because this is a truly frightening attitude. Do you mean to tell me that, should your daughter accidentally get pregnant, despite precautions, by some guy that she doesn’t necessarily love, that they “damn well” ought to be legally bonded to each other (relatively) permanently? Don’t you think it’s maybe a better idea that they accept the consequences, realize that accidents happen, and deal with the situation accordingly? I mean, just because they’re having sex doesn’t mean they’re anywhere close to adult enough to be ready for marital commitment. You were a teenager once, right?
I just can’t fathom forcing my child to marry another person because the condom broke. Whether she chose to have an abortion, give the child up for adoption, or keep the baby, it seems to me that forcibly bonding your child to this guy whom she may or may not really care for is not any sort of solution to the problem. “Don’t respect the consequences of sex? Great! Let’s cheapen marriage, too, while we’re at it, and possibly set you up for either a future divorce or a life of marital unhappiness!”
You may want to know all the details of your daughter’s sex life, but these attitudes are a great way to distance yourself from your child and give them reason to shut you out of their lives in that sense. They’re teenagers. They won’t always make the perfectly adult, responsible, mature decisions. That’s because they’re teenagers. The best you can do is to arm them with knowledge and the self-confidence to choose what’s best for them at any given point. I fail to see how a “shotgun” wedding will do anything but exacerbate existing problems.
So as not to totally hijack the thread, in response to the OP, I think you’ve already gotten lots of levelheaded advice. I’m one of the “sex is not just for making babies, it also feels good, and is one way that two adults show they love each other” camp. If you’ve told him that sex feels good and isn’t just for procreation, the rest should be fairly self-explanatory. There are many ways to have sex, and oral sex is one of them.

~Mixie

16

I hope you’re being facetious, because this is a truly frightening attitude. Do you mean to tell me that, should your daughter accidentally get pregnant, despite precautions, by some guy that she doesn’t necessarily love, that they “damn well” ought to be legally bonded to each other (relatively) permanently? Don’t you think it’s maybe a better idea that they accept the consequences, realize that accidents happen, and deal with the situation accordingly? I mean, just because they’re having sex doesn’t mean they’re anywhere close to adult enough to be ready for marital commitment. You were a teenager once, right?
I just can’t fathom forcing my child to marry another person because the condom broke. Whether she chose to have an abortion, give the child up for adoption, or keep the baby, it seems to me that forcibly bonding your child to this guy whom she may or may not really care for is not any sort of solution to the problem. “Don’t respect the consequences of sex? Great! Let’s cheapen marriage, too, while we’re at it, and possibly set you up for either a future divorce or a life of marital unhappiness!”
You may want to know all the details of your daughter’s sex life, but these attitudes are a great way to distance yourself from your child and give them reason to shut you out of their lives in that sense. They’re teenagers. They won’t always make the perfectly adult, responsible, mature decisions. That’s because they’re teenagers. The best you can do is to arm them with knowledge and the self-confidence to choose what’s best for them at any given point. I fail to see how a “shotgun” wedding will do anything but exacerbate existing problems.
So as not to totally hijack the thread, in response to the OP, I think you’ve already gotten lots of levelheaded advice. I’m one of the “sex is not just for making babies, it also feels good, and is one way that two adults show they love each other” camp. If you’ve told him that sex feels good and isn’t just for procreation, the rest should be fairly self-explanatory. There are many ways to have sex, and oral sex is one of them.

~Mixie

17

No, and I recognize that I don’t really understand what it’s like to have a teenager. However, I think that what I posted is a way of dealing with pre-teen sex ed that is most likely to result in a sexually responsible, well-adjusted adult.**

You may want that but, like abstinence-only sex ed, it’s completely unrealistic. Teenagers don’t talk to their parents about their sex lives. Period. No matter how good a kid you have, how responsible, how loving, how honest it is highly unlikely that you will know about their first sexual experiences when they happen. Don’t delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

The thing is, I guarantee your kids know how you feel about them having sex. Just the few sentences you posted here would be enough to guarantee a teenager never told you a thing. Your natural impulse is to lay down the law and make decisions and protect them. That’s absolutely incompatible with the teenager mindset of not wanting to be told what to do when you can’t possibly understand what they’re going through.

I think it’s great to try to stay involved and be a resource for your kids when it comes to sex. That can only help them. But make sure they also have all the resources they need if they aren’t comfortable confiding in you. If the only way for them to buy condoms is to ask you for money the night before they’re going out with their boy/girlfriend, it’s more likely they’ll just have unprotected sex rather than risk a big scene with you. Hence my advice. I know you want them to confide in you, but don’t make it an all or nothing situation, where if they can’t talk to you they’ll have to take more risks.