No, I was the one following Ann Dunham around back in 1961. Followed her all the way to a hospital in Beijing. As I watched from concealment, two doctors handed her an infant and said, ‘You must call him Barack Hussein Obama.’
She replied, ‘But I had my heart set on Cody Dylan for his first and middle names.’
‘Silence, carbon-based lifeform!’ came the reply. ‘We have determined that Barack Hussein Obama is the name that will be most effective at hypnotizing voters of the future into voting for the one.’ I was confused by what all this meant, especially the carbon-based lifeform part, but thought maybe it was some Chinese idiom that they were translating too literally.
Then, one of the doctors said, ‘One more thing… You must hang THIS over his crib’ as he handed her a mobile with little windmills hanging off it. As the windmills started spinning around, a chill went down my back. (Later, I realized it was because they had turned on the air conditioning to set the mobile in motion. Still, at the time, it was dramatic.)
Then, I got a good look at the doctor’s face and saw the cold, dead eyes of a robot! Unfortunately, he saw me at the same time and yelled out, ‘Intruder! Seize him!’ I managed to elude the robots through a series of dramatic escapades that I shan’t detail until I learn who will play me in the inevitable movie. (I’m hoping for Matt Damon, but realize that anyone ranking higher than, say, Drew Carey on the attractiveness scale is going to qualify as an improvement over reality.)
I returned to the States, only to discover that no one believed my story. No one, until I met up with a shadowy figure that put me in touch with emacknight’s anti-Chinese-robots-from-the-future underground. There I learned the true meaning of what I had seen. I also learned that the underground, in order to document the so-called ‘birth’ of Barack Hussein Obama, had made sure that part of Ann Dunham’s passport could never be altered. Unfortunately, the operative in charge of this mission had been killed by the Chinese robots before finishing his job. The only part that was fixed in place was the final ‘a’ of ‘China.’ The robots, scouting around for a five-letter country ending with ‘a,’ changed the rest of the passport so it would look like she had been to ‘Kenya’ instead.
Now that you know the TRUTH, contact emacknight to learn what to do. In 2011, Barack Obama will attempt to subdivide eight secure blue states in order to produce eight more Democratic senators and ensure his victory in the Electoral College in the following year. (This is why he made that 58 states slip of the toungue: a glitch in his coding.) His announcement will be the signal for the underground to go into action. More I cannot say in a public forum.
In the meantime, check all your electronic devices and appliances. If any say ‘Made in China,’ they are spies for the future-bots and must be destroyed. I recommend using a sledgehammer (but not one made in China, of course). I have done this to all my made-in-China appliances. Well, except my waffle iron. Hey, I love waffles and, besides, what can it possibly do? Hey, why is the waffle iron light on? I’m not using it. Hold on a minute…
HELP! OUCH! Get it off me! Help! Fuc…mmph…mmph. GAACK.