The Telemarketer Speaks. I Respond.

In this GD thread, Claudia VonL replies to everyone who complains about telemarketers by posting one of the most asinine, poorly reasoned, incompetently written messages I’ve ever seen on the SDMB. And yes, that includes the infamous JDT, so that’s saying something. Posting a sufficiently complete response to her blather in its original forum would be a violation of Board policy – and so, for the first time in my nearly two years as a member, I’m starting a Pit thread in order to do her message justice.


> Who are Telemarketers?

Clearly, we deluded souls have no idea. Please, enlighten us, O Wise One.

> As much as i can apperiate everyones dislike of telemarketing allow me this few moments of verboseness…

Fine, if you also allow me a few moments to re-read and carefully parse your statements so I can be certain I know exactly what the fuck you’re talking about.

> I have worked in telemarketing and just might again.Y?

Y? Oh, right, “why.” As a busy career professional, you obviously have to economize your time. Why type two extra letters? Every tenth of a second counts when you’re pushing magazine subscriptions on Alzheimer’s patients.

> because there is awsome money in it.

Wow, shit, who’d have thunk it? What kind of yo-yo would pass up an opportunity to elevate themselves by a few tax brackets? Just give me a second here… Okay, I’ve pulled the fries out of the vat and put the milkshake machine on “standby,” and I’m listening with bated breath.

> The co. i worked for not only paid hourley,but also bonuses and comission.

Damn, girl, bonuses and commission, in addition to an hourly wage? You better keep it quiet, or other companies might catch on and start doing that too! I’m impressed. Please continue.

> a sale made by a salesman from a acontact by me can pay upto 75$ on a 10,000sale(not difficult in home improvement)

Seventy-five whole dollars? Amazing; I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that much money in one place before. Although I’d say, in your case, home improvement shouldn’t be an area of concern; instead, I’d take that fat paycheck to the local community college and pursue a little English improvement, if I were you. When you progress beyond an hourly wage into a real office job, you’re occasionally required to write a memo or two, and readability counts. But I digress.

> Wether I bother you during dinner hour is of no importance or significance to me whatsoever and I do not feel bad because YOU decided to answer your phone.

Ah, I see – it’s my fault you’re such a cunt. The mists begin to clear, and comprehension dawns.

> You do have a phone wich implies you WANT to be called.

I have a butthole, too, but that doesn’t imply I want a running jigsaw inserted into it. Oh, but hey, you’ve got a VCR, so clearly that implies you want me to come into your house and put on a German Scheisse video while your mother is visiting. You’ve got a drawer full of silverware, too, so that implies you want someone to saw on the webbing between your fingers with red-hot butter knives while someone else scoops out your eyeballs with your grapefruit spoons. Right?

> Legal calling hours for telemarketing is 9to9 in the area called.You don’t want to talk to a TSR,don’t answer the phone between those hour…DUH

Aside from the tragic loss of the opportunity to exchange pleasantries with such a socially graceful person as yourself, it’s also possible I might miss a critically important call about the health status of my slowly dying brother. That’s a much more significant aspect of my life than listening to a cunt like you tell me about overpriced light bulbs. Not answering the phone is, simply stated, not an option, and you’re an idiot for suggesting it. But please, feel free to try again.

> Prime calling hours are between 5pm and 9,lets call that a DUH

No, let’s call you a sniggering, self-centered shithead with so little respect for other people’s feelings that it’s a wonder you haven’t been beaten to death with a jack handle long before now. Ah, yes, that’s a much better way of phrasing it. Moving on.

> Not all TSRs are freeloading ripoff artists.

No, some of them are sniggering, self-centered shitheads.

> Among the people I have worked with are…Mentaly retarded.Read off a piece of paper…

Small grammatical nitpick here. “Worked with” implies a separation, as if you’re not a member of the group you’re describing. Suggest revision prior to submission for grade.

> Mentally Ill,Would you hire a Schito for YOUR job?

Well, I guess that explains your career in the field.

> …Physically Handicaped,Sitting at a phone…College Students and Retireees,Part time and regulation of income…General workersincluding Moms returning to the workforce…Kids with no real workhistory…

I’ll remark on this in more detail after the next comment. But for now, go talk to James Watt and see what he thinks about working with two Jews and a cripple.

> drunks who can’t keep a job anywhere else…

Um… Do I need to explain why this doesn’t help your argument?

Actually, on second thought, based on the probable mentality of someone who could generate this staggeringly obtuse and jejune missive and offer it up as a serious bit of discourse, I will. And I’ll make it short, so as not to tax your half-dozen brain cells. Ready? Okay, here we go. Concentrate now:

Why in the name of God’s Throbbing Prostate would I be so witless as to give my credit card number to a whiskey-swilling lout whose cerebrum is so soaked in spirits that his career options have been reduced to telephoning random people and bullying them into the purchase of a dozen tickets to see Yanni’s houseboy vomiting into a moon boot?

If you don’t understand the point I’m trying to make here, don’t spend too much time stirring your gray matter, because I’m moving on to something far, far more complicated. You might want to rest for a bit before you continue.

You’re back? Ah, good.

> Temp workers looking for something else ETC…

I don’t deny that, for many people, life stinks. I won’t argue with the proposition that a segment of the population is so starved for employment that they’re forced to live with whatever bitterly noxious crumbs they can pry from beneath the toenail of an uncaring world. But don’t you see how your characterization of the job as a position of last resort clashes utterly with your initial assertions of deluges of cash as reward for the work? Money talks in this society, and if telemarketing were as lucrative as you claim it to be, the crush of applicants would soon push aside the temps, handicapped people, elderly, and kids you say fill the seats around you. In your frantic rush to score argumentative points against your detractors, you instead contradict yourself and flush your credibility straight down the porcelain equalizer. But then, that’s to be expected from someone whose IQ is interchangeable with her hat size.

> Find a reason to R&R about telemarketers all you want but like a Principal or a Cop, it’s a job to do that people Don’t like you very much for doing,

Two things here. First, re-engage your brain cells – at least, the ones that aren’t still occupied visualizing Yanni’s houseboy – and consider, for a moment, your acknowledgement that People Don’t Like You. All right? Now add to this bubbling stew of thought the fact that, by your own admission, you don’t care at all. You don’t care that you have a job that makes people hate you. The notion that what you do pisses people off brings to that collection of sludge that sits on top of your brain stem nary a quiver of concern. You have a job that disrupts people’s lives and makes you, in their eyes, a sucker of syphilitic donkey cocks – and yet you do it anyway, because the money is “awsome.” Outside your tiny, pathetic skull, out here in the real world, that makes you a Grade-A flaming fruit-bat’s asshole.

And then you have the temerity, the utter shameless slackwitted arrogance, to compare your vocation to that of an educational professional and an officer of the law. People in these positions provide a valuable social service in a difficult work environment, and every responsible, intelligent person whose intellectual and emotional age has progressed past the stage of earning a driver’s license understands this. You, on the other hand, have apparently spent many years failing to get your head all the way inside the car before you slam the door on it.

> and as long as it WORKS companies will do it.

Hey, can’t argue with you there. For the same reason, PepsiCo chews through rainforests like they’re teenagers earning a few bucks mowing their neighborhood’s lawns, because it works to increase their profit margin. Doesn’t make it any less evil, though.

> as for getting rid of us.The "Do Not Call"usually works well.

The law says it’s supposed to always work well, unless you’re admitting to criminal behavior in addition to being a blithering jackass.

> But do not say anything RUDE.

Because, in your mind, it’s our fault you’re a cunt. Right, I remember that part.

> In our office that GOT you a return call in spades.

I know a lot of people who would like to talk to you about this. There’s about fifty of them, and they all have a title similar to “Attorney General.” I’d be happy to put you in touch with them, if you like.

> Most TSRs will back off if you ask the magic 8 questions.

What is your name, what is your quest, what is your favorite color? Sorry, I don’t know the other five.

Actually, I suspect that you meant to say “the magic eight words,” as in “Put me on your do not call list.” But because your communication skills are so impaired, instead of saying something that makes sense and contributes to the discussion, you produced the above bit of cryptic nonsense. That’s probably the same reason why, when you stop at Starbuck’s for a cuppa, instead of giving you a latte, they punch you in the tit. You get better results when you express yourself clearly. Just a handy tip for the future. Write it down or something, okay?

> Giving the"I’ll Sue" speech just has a TSR laughing at you when you hang up.

Which is completely unlike me, of course, guffawing at your piss-poor grasp of English. Oh, by the way, let’s see, TSR… Toxic Shock Robot? Totally Selfish Retard? Tactless Simpleminded Redialer? The possibilities are endless. Or maybe you choose which numbers to dial by rolling 5d20. Anyway.

> So give the TSR a break

Because that would be the fair thing to do, right? Unlike you, a person who admits you don’t care about pulling people away from dinner so they can hear about the wonders of space-age vinyl siding.

> and just politely hang up

The irony here is so thick, I can wrap it around my car and call it a safety cage.

> and WRITE the company calling you.

This is like shooting fish in a barrel, you know that? Listen, you dumb cunt, if written correspondence is such an effective means of communication, then WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS BULLSHIT INDUSTRY EVEN EXIST? Are you even listening to your own arguments?

> you can catch more flies with honey than vinigar

Or, if catching flies is our objective, we can all gather around you, ask you to open your mouth, and watch the filthy insects gravitate to the shit you’re full of.

> And for whatever it is worth to you…Best estimates say that telemarketing will be a dead issue in 10 years.

I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to be able to say this, especially after the foregoing, but here it is:


> If you can’t wait that long…GET RID OF YOUR PHONE!!!

(long pause)

You poor, addled cow. You seriously offered that as a solution. Either you’re an idiot, which is inarguably within the realm of possibility given all of the above, or you’re acknowledging by implication that what you do is so egregiously unpleasant that such an extreme lifechanging proposition is an acceptable alternative. By the same reasoning, you would counsel someone suffering from a painfully infected ingrown thumbnail to sever the affected hand with a rusty chisel. You can’t take that advice yourself, of course, because then you wouldn’t be able to dial your phone and continue earning your “awsome” money, but then again it’s pretty obvious that consistency and logic have little if anything to do with your dumb-slut worldview.

Listen to me, you scabby-tongued cretin. Your chosen career is defensible only on the grounds of its legality. What you do with your life is up to you, but if you persist in this vocational option, and worse, if you publicly revel in it as I gather you are in your nearly incomprehensible jeremiad, you must expect that your intellectual superiors will have no choice but to hold you up as an example of the worst kind of gutter trash humanity has to offer. I do not attack your co-workers, your hapless conspirators in disruption and ill-timed inducement. I attack you, and your sneering, sickly smug self-satisfaction. Your total disdain for your impact on people’s lives stands on the threshold of sadism, and is unfathomable in any person who isn’t hamstrung by mental or emotional dysfunction. Until you slither back to the dark abyss that belched you up – or until you seek psychiatric assistance – I will denounce you and your heartless, soulless kind, yea, to my last rattling breath.

Bring it on, bitch.

:claps enthusiastically:

Rising to my feet in a haze of stunned amazement for a standing ovation

That was easily one of the best Pit posts in months. Bravo!!!

Can I get an Amen, Brothers and Sisters?

Maybe it’s just the beer talking, but that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all week.

Oh man…

!!Bravo!! !!Brava!!

I don’t work in telemarketing, I don’t know anyone who works in telemarketing. I am not now, nor have I ever been a telemarketer.

But. . .

I imagine TSR stands for Telephone Sales Representative.

Anyway, you still rule.

That was beautifully done. Almost too bad that it’s wasted on someone who might understand only every tenth word or so.

What’s really weird is comparing her posts with those of Mr2001. Different ends of the scale, in terms of communication skills, but they’re peas in a pod.

Wouldn’t you love to see the look on his face, reading her post?

I laughed. I cried. I added it to my sig.

Bravo! :smiley:

I have a phone. I have that phone not so I can be called, but so I can make outgoing calls. Sure, I receive calls on that phone occasionally. That’s not the reason I have it, however. I wouldn’t care if I ever received a single incoming call – so long as I can make one 911 call when it matters, that’s my reason for having a phone.

I really am astounded by the arrogance exhibited in these posts by telemarketers who keep telling us we all have phones because we obviously want to be called and should just never answer our phones if we don’t want to talk to them.


I’m not sure if I should be flattered or insulted there. :wink:

I am a bit chagrined. She does fit the profile of most telemarketers I know, though… in high school or just graduated (or just dropped out), working as a telemarketer because it’s decent money for relatively little work.

Cervaise, I applaud you.


And for the Rant of the Year, the Winner is (sound of envelope tearing):


::wild cheering, confetti flies everywhere::

And for Band Name of the Year, the Award goes to (you guessed it):

Cervaise, God’s Throbbing Prostate!

I dunno, I thought Toxic Shock Robot was really good too. Either way, that was the coolest thing I’ve seen in a while.

I’m thoroughly stunned by the sheer beauty of Cervaise’s response.

::stands and offers a ten minute ovation, tears flowing freely::

Hee, hee, hee…

Oh, now as rants go, this one really is inspired.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the great big smile I am having on my face.

You’re my new hero.

I wasted a bowl of cornflakes reading that post. I was eating when I opened this thread. I soon realized that most of my breakfast would be spit all over my keyboard as a result of laughing my ass off! So I let 'em get soggy as I read on with unholy glee.
Cervaise, that was the most exquisite rant I’ve ever seen. You deserve a heap of gold medals!

::wipes tears of mirth, gets new bowl of cereal::

I thought the repeated cunt and tit references were a bit much, but it was a strong rant overall.

Excellent rant.

In case anybody doesn’t want to slog through the whole GD thread to find the Immortal Pit Provoker Post, it’s on page 2.

I don’t know why everybody gets so cranked up about telemarketers. You all should do what I do–the minute the first words are out of their mouths and it’s clear that it is in fact a telemarketer, and not a real person, I simply say, “We’re not interested, thank you,” and I hang up the phone. Click. And it’s wonderful to hear the frantically squawking voice coming out, on the way down to the set.

And I’ve taught all my children that when they answer the phone, if somebody asks for me or the Better Half by our full Christian first names, which NOBODY ever uses, that it is almost certainly a telemarketer, and if the dear sweet angels should happen to “lose” the call in between answering the phone in the dining room downstairs, and rousting Mommy out of the bathroom upstairs, it’s no great loss to society. “Well, who was it?” “I dunno [childish shrug].” “Did they ask for Gwendolyn or Gwen?” If it was Gwendolyn, it wasn’t somebody we know.

But the Better Half, who normally is so polite that he makes Mahatma Gandhi look like a soccer hooligan, did actually lose it a couple weeks ago and tell a TSR off. “Sunday morning?” he yelled at her in disbelief. “You call me at eleven o’clock on Sunday morning to ask me about my long-distance service?” He told her, in perfect seriousness, “You need to get another job, lady,” and he hung up.

Note to self: Don’t fuck with Cervaise, EVER. Don’t even think about it, he may be telepathic.

Fave line

claps enthusiastically 'til palms begin to bleed