IF??? It’s happening, if I have to live out of my truck to do it!!! And you won’t have to make me come down to see Falcon, 'cause I was planning on it anyway. And I’ve told her that. So there! Pbbbbbbbbbbbbb!!! 
{{{{{Falcon}}}}}}
Honey, you’ve got my e-mail and I’ll put ICQ on when I get home from work tonight if you want to talk, ok???
Had a great time with my family and want to share the happiness with the world.
{{{{{world}}}}}
And now, humor!
I WANT TO HURT MY COMPUTER
I want to hurt my computer. I want to buy a software program that, when
run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently.
When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push
to make the CPU start
squealing like a motherboard.
I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an “illegal function”
and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I
lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone
from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.
I don’t understand why new, “upgraded” software creates files that cannot
be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in
the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look
alike once they are open? Why can’t 6.0 recognise a 7.0 file? It’s all
just words, isn’t it? There should be a rule that when software engineers
buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don’t
understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain
it to them.
How come when my computer catches a virus, I’m the one who misses work?
I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper.
When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed
and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188
“matches” to my keyword. That’s like saying, “Good news, we’ve located
the product you’re looking for. It’s on Earth.”
I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was
virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating
system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every
“upgrade,” it seems to grow 75 percent. That’s as if every time your
mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
Now I’ve found out that my PC no longer “recognises” my floppy drive. How
could they not recognise each other? They live together!
Please understand: I don’t hate my computer. I just want to hurt it every
once in a while.
A bump and a bit of humor. Can’t have people needing a pick me up to look all the way down here after all. 
In the department where I did my Ph.D., graduate students often give
presentations on their work for the benefit of other graduate students.
This week’s talk:
> Better Living Through Group Theory
>
> by Peter Turner
>
>
> An extremely poorly prepared talk on the role of group theory in
> physics. It will begin with some mathematical jargon in order to
> discourage anyone from asking questions, and conclude with hastily
> prepared examples from a vast number of physical disciplines–that number
> being approximately equal to three. All are welcome to offer examples
> from their own research in order to increase both that number as well as
> the amount of time I am drinking and not talking.
Bring me your poor, your wretched, your huddled masses yearning…
Come to think of it, yearning huddled masses are better left to other threads. Seriously though, bring your problems, however large or small, and receive understanding and sympathy and big ol’ hugs. And if not, just lay back and enjoy the humor.
As a younger man, I was in great shape. As an airline pilot , I was
required to have a Flight physical every six months.
The nurse took the basic data, weight, height, and blood pressure. My
pressure was good, but the heart rate was below 40 beats per minute.
“I cannot put that number down. You’ll be denied a physical.”,she said.
“What can I do?”, I replied.
She held my hand and winked,saying, “Just think about that for a
minute!”
Retaking my blood pressure and heart rate,she stated, “53 will be OK,
but you really know how to hurt a girl!”
Floyd Coons, (retired) Northwest Airlines
More humor!
TOP TEN: WORST FIRST LINE OF A NOVEL
These are the 10 winners of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one
writes only the first line of a bad novel. (Victorian author Edward George
Bulwer-Lytton is famous–or is it infamous–for writing the novel that began
“It was a dark and stormy night.”)
As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the
sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.
Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.
With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished
oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed
with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small
straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along
the east wall: Andre creep… Andre creep… Andre creep.
Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become
the woman he loved.
Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking
out a living at a local pet store.
Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often
do.
Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent
remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the
word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of
death – in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS…
And here we have a fine way to mess with telelmarketers. Enjoy! And remember when your day needs lifting check here, and if there jokes aren’t doing the trick, feel free to tell me what would!
Ring
Ring
Me: Hello, John speaking
Salesperson: Hello Mr. Hawklyn I represent … We’ve selected you as
a likely prospect (I mentally translate to: likely sucker) for
investment/charitable donation/lottery winner/…
Me: Not interested. SAY!? are you a telemarketer? I happen to
represent a firm which manufactures and sells earpads for all types
of telephones and head sets. We’ve found in our industry research
that many telemarketers are languishing with unergometric headsets.
Our earpads are certifiably ergometric thorougly tested, and
inexpensive, and 100% natural.
Salesperson: Excuse me. I was trying to say…
Me: Would you be interested in trying out one of our earpads?
Salesperson: No, thank you, we already have earpads. Now about our
package…
I’ve never yet spoken to a supervisor, but I find that this technique is
humorous, and yet clearly points out to them how offensive these calls
can be.
“When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to
leave.”
Week after week, I tried. That master of mine never let me get even
close. Then, one week, it occured to me that work is for suckers, and
discipline is for people who don’t eat pork rinds and watch a lot of TV.
So when the master said to me:
“When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to leave.”
…I kicked him in the groin, pried the pebble from his trembling fingers,
and split.
Forget what they tell you at the monestary. There are three tricks to
becoming a super powerful ninja. You will find them at the following
link.
How to Fake Your Way to Martial Arts Mastery
http://www.themestream.com/gspd_browse/browse/view_article.gsp?c_id=90072
Remember – the sound of one hand clapping is most often heard in
darkened pornographic movie theatres.
More humor and well wishes for all of SDMB.
19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by DAVE BARRY
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
There is a very fine line between a hobby and mental illness.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be “meetings.”
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
Your friends love you, anyway.
I need one.
Now.
Please.
I don’t want to go in to details, it’s too many things to go into. But I need hugs, flirts… anything to get me back UP right now.
BIG HUGS
TP, you know my email. Let me know if there’s ANYTHING I can do, even if it’s just listening.
hugs again
My shoulder is here for crying, my arms for holding, my lips for soothing words and soft kisses, and I have several other body parts you might be interested in.
So have a drink on me and smash your glass in the fireplace. I’d ask what was wrong but Fast Eddie is still a mean shot with that blackjack.
Storyteller’s Creed
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.
That myth is more potent than history.
That dreams are more powerful than facts.
That hope always triumphs over experience.
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death.
– Robert Fulghum
And in honor of line 5, humor!
> THINGS YOU’D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK… BUT CAN’T!
>
> I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
>
> I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
>
> I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
>
> It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
>
> I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.
>
> I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
>
> You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
>
> I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
>
> Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
>
> What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
>
> And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
>
> Do I look like a people person?
>
> Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
>
> If I throw a stick, will you leave?
>
> I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
>
> Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
>
> How do I set a laser printer to stun?
>
> I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
We’re here for you Pisces This too shall pass.
Thanks for the pick me up Verrain :)…we’ll talk later,ok?
Of course, hardygrrl my email is always open and that goes for the rest of ya!
Humor!
I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password… now you have to understand he’s got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect… so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in “penis”…
I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
Oh, I like that one! I really like that one!
Thanks again, m’dear, for the shoulder, the arms, the lips and the other body parts! 
The glass has been smashed, and the story given privately. Fast Eddie won’t be after you with the blackjack this time.
Anyone else care to step up to the line with a toast? I do have one right now.
downs her drink quickly
To All We Leave Behind
::crash::
I hate to keep doing this, but…
Hugs, please? Today is rapidly going downhill FAST. My grandfather is back in the hospital with congestive heart failure. And there’s a lot of crap here on the boards that I can’t share, and right now really can’t deal with.
And I can’t cry, and I need to. Can’t cry at work, and I can’t cry in front of my mom at home.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FaaaaaaaaaLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
smooch
{{{{{{{{{{FALCON}}}}}}}}}
We are here for you Falcon, and when you have time to cry our shoulders are here.
{{{Falcon}}}
Honey, cry if you need to. The hell with what your co-workers and your mom think. It’s a good reason to cry, and if they don’t like it, tell them they can go take a flying leap. If I were close enough, I’d take you out somewhere where you can cry to your hearts content!!!
As far as everything else… you’ve got my work addy, hon. Use it. I’ll be here until 5, home sometime later (since I have something I have to do after work) You’ve also got my phone number and my home addy. They are ALL available for you to use.
Lost the email with your work addy, hon. Not at home, so I can’t find it, either…I’m at work now, which I think you have the email for…(the arbitron.com one), so email me.
And I can’t cry at home. This isn’t a good reason according to my mom. Hell, I don’t think it’s a good reason most of the time.
Falcon, crying and laughter are two sides of the same coin. No one has the same triggers for it and when it is triggered the need is real and involuntary. Don’t worry if anyone understands it. Find yourself a quiet place and cry if that’s what you need. {{Falcon}}
When work is less hectic I’ll try to post some humor. Until then know you are in my thoughts and prayers.