These are from [the original writer’s] Calculus I/II class last year with Mr. Kevin
Giffhorn. All quotes are by him unless otherwise noted.
“I’m coming to your house, I’m gonna steal your calc book, and pummel you with a TI-83.”
“I have extra chromosomes. Does that make me special?”
“Can we quit molesting Santa Claus back there?”
“You may need a proctologist to remove my shoe.”
“Poor guy’s been circumscribed, and he’s unitless. Please don’t write me up for that.”
“That’s it, you’re off caffeine.”
“It’s a buff parenthesis. It’s cut.”
“Does anyone else in this class need therapy? I’m beeping my therapist as we speak.”
“Student motivation? I’m gonna start hooking you all up to electrodes.”
“Date me! I’ve got a Porsche! I tried that with a Jeep, it didn’t work.”
“I would’ve told the class, ‘Okay, you all go to lunch, I’m gonna have a little talk with Tom here.’ They’d come back, and Tom’s sitting in the corner crying with his eye bleeding.”
“If you get scared, you can hug your calculator. That gives you strength.”
"They had that show on MTV where the kids were stuck at spring break and they would do anything for $20. - Todd Tedrow
“Around here, we call that prostitution.”
“This [equation] is showing how chipmunks will one day rule the world. So be nice to them. Stop hitting them with your cars.”
“I want to see some serious butt-kissing! Let’s go!”
“Just remember, there is shrinkage when it’s cold.”
“Into the valley, blah blah blah, and you get your head chopped off.”
“Are we feeling slightly paranoid today? Is everyone picking on you? It’s okay, we pick on you because we hate you - I mean we love you.”
“Anyone here seen one of those Ford Excursions with the 40-gallon gas tank? Have to take out a loan to fill it up.”
“Yeah, hands-on. I’m gonna lay hands on your head if you don’t get it right.”
“Wouldn’t that be awesome if you could use lifelines in school? ‘Who’s your phone-a-friend?’ I’d say Stephen Hawking.”
“Peggy, you didn’t do #10? That was 25 points! It was hidden. You have to hold it up to the light to see it. It’s the watermark.”
“Peggy, will you help Tresa? She’s trying to find #10.”
“Yes, I have my doctorate, and yes, I have an Asian surname. Giffhorn. It’s Asian for ‘German guy’.”
“Gimme a C! Gimme an A! What’s that spell? CALCULUS!” - Shameet Luhar
“You looked good in a blonde wig. You looked like that prostitute that Hugh Grant hooked up with.”
“Can we have naptime today?” - Dan Schointuch
“It’s related to math. There’s numbers on the board.” - Brandon Lauer
“That’s where we got our nicknames. The Gentlemen from Hell. From the Germans. We kicked their butts. Ha ha.”
“Will someone help him out instead of just chuckling at him?”
“I like the JFK half dollars. They’re big. You can throw them at people.”
“Yes, I think that’s what Newton said. ‘This one just chills.’”
“Let me open these blinds so the snipers can see in.”
“Is that ‘sex’ or the integral of e^x?” - Elliott Marquis
“Ladies and gentlemen, in case you didn’t hear, Becky likes sex.”
“The professor said, ‘Richard, do you want to be called Dick?’ And he said, ‘No, do you?’”
“Wait, why am I writing? You get up there, you write it. I’m tired. I’m sitting down. I’m an old man.”
“Mr. Tedrow, what do you feel like doing now? Besides crying?”
“We gotta tell her how to work the whole Hooked On Phonics thing.”
“He’s probably running around the school wearing Hazmat clothes. He might be wearing one of those sumo suits you see on MTV.”
“Senate? We have woman senators?”
“I think it’s great that we have more chicks in the senate.”
“Libby Dole… her husband does commercials saying how he can’t do anything.”
“I think Bill Clinton should be doing those Viagra ads.”
“Square roots seem to intimidate you people. Maybe it’s the sharp point. You’re afraid you might get cut.”
“How about we take it now, and then we can fool around?” - Xiaosong Meng
“Xiaosong, you are a very attractive man. However…”
“Can I write down everything on the board on my desk? Is that cheating?”
“It’s cheating because it was in my head? Where should it be? On my arm?”
“Now remember, at the top of every [quiz], you should write…”
“‘Plus 5’.” - Elliott
“You’re adorable, like a big old Pokémon.”
“Buy high, sell low.” - Dan Rapp
“No, that’s what you do if you are high.”
“Speaking of being high, this stuff will do it to you… whoa, the colors, Officer Der, please report to Mr. Giffhorn’s room.”
“Why doesn’t he let girls wear skimpier stuff?” - Elliott
“The last time a girl wore something with her belly button showing, I asked you to come up to the board, and you said no.”
“The freshmen look like sluts.” - Becky Hurley
“Hey baby, what’s your sign? Really? Your sign is stop?”
“You’d hit absolute zero. Cut off your finger, put it in a freezer pack, you’re good to go.”
“Serious mutations, I don’t mean like X-Men with lasers shooting out of their eyes.”
“They’re like a day old, and they’re mother’s like, ‘you never do anything! Get out of the house already!’ They’re like 14 minutes old when they hit puberty.”
“It’s a trick. I mean, it’s not a trick. It’s not a trick, it’s just a trick. I don’t know.”
“If you’re so street smart, how come you keep getting arrested?”
“Where’s your spirit? I ran over three kids from Glenelg [High School] on my way to school this morning.”
“If I sewed a cyanide pill on my collar, I could chew on it.”
“People from other countries, when they come over and don’t know English, they say ‘um’ a lot.” - Thea Rosa
“That’s why we shouldn’t let them in this country.”
“Elliott, go ahead and cry, we’ll just make fun of you more than always.”
“Do you have to know how to spell ‘Porsche’ to have one?”
“Yes, you can do a lot more crack. I smoke rock with the best of them. Don’t write that one down! I’m getting fired.”
“Do you have certain bookmarks on your computer that are naughty? Do you look at Jennicam once a day?”
“You will not be allowed to use a TI-89, or 92, or anything else with a symbolic manipulator. So don’t bring in a PC, have some network cable across the desks or something.”
“Think of how much smarter you made everyone else feel.”
“I’m going to the beach today.” - Jason
“No, sticking your feet in the kitty litter box doesn’t count.”
“What, you jab yourself in the foot with a hypodermic needle? ‘Ooo, I’m at the New Jersey beach!’”
“Brandon auctioned off a half hour of wrestling practice. We found out
the guy who won was a 39 year old pedophile from Virginia. ‘Hey Brandon, can I start out on top?’”
“Hey Brandon, you don’t need to bring your tights. We’re gonna wrestle like they did in ancient Greece. Naked.”
“‘Mr. Giffhorn, are those your aides?’ Yeah, they’re tripping.”
“Jason, do you have a girlfriend? I’m not asking for me, I’m a married man.”
“You have any mace on you? How about a tazer?”
“When you get it back, I’ll say you owe me $10 for grading this.”
“Use echo location, dolphin boy.”
“Be nice to the kids who twitch a lot.”
“If you win, we give you a million dollars. If you lose, you go home with a pair of steak knives.”
“Keep it stupid, simple.” - Becky
“You should give him credit. He made an effort to lie.” - Brandon
“You’re allowed one murder within six months of completing basic training? ‘You’re allowed to kill someone?’ Yeah, you’re on the list.”
“Wait, that’s the same thing.” - Rajya
“But I said it in a different tone of voice.”
“Then after I made fun of David, I found out he’s really good at some type of karate that uses swords.”
“Please let there be negative time! H.G. Wells, where are you?”
“Meat loaf! It’s a loaf of meat! How much better can you get?”
“Isn’t ‘encompasses’ three letters?” - Dan
“See, this is math I can do. Addition and subtraction.” - Dan
“You’re officially no longer a guy.” - Corey Cossentino
“You know, the stork is just a myth. Just making sure you know.”
“That’s wrong, it’s off by the millionth decimal place, if you look back behind the screen.”
“I don’t have any Star Wars virtual reality holographic thing.”
“And I thought this was a tech magnet school.” - Dan
“There are no seashells in calculus.”
“He couldn’t get a 500. I had a plant get a 500. It was a Chia pet with an attitude.”
“You guys might want to look at Joey’s Diesel Mechanic School as a safety school.”
“I have a flesh-eating bacteria. I can’t go to prom with you.”
“Elliott, you got a date?”
“I got a date.” - Elliott
“Clarksville Elementary has one less single person.”
“Mr. Giffhorn, why is your student hanging out of a broken window?”
“That’s just Elliott.”
“Probably none of you know how much 60 km/h is.”
“In Canada they do.” - Becky
“That’s why they’re all screwed up.”
“Barney only works on PBS, he’s a dinosaur. He’s extinct. He’s peat moss.”
“We’re just dumbifying it until you get to the higher levels.”
“Why does anyone ask, ‘When are we gonna use this’? You’re not going to!” - Jason
“Let’s say you have 750 pounds, or maybe Becky.”
“Don’t want you getting too smart, you might learn something. Might start getting some of that free will. None of that free will crap in here.”
“Those models can fit into certain clothes.” - Thea
“Yeah, they can fit into a Pringles can.”
“Ally McBeal… if you saw her eating a hamburger, you’d probably see it working its way down like a snake.”
“I should get extra credit for you making fun of me.” - Elliott
“I’ll be an engineer, do some mulching on the side.”
“You don’t like us?” - Thea
“No, I don’t.”
“Elliott, I choose you!”
“I am a Pokémon master, I can teach no more.”
"My boxers aren’t pressed!”
"Who thinks that back table is slowly deteriorating in mind power?”
“Who did you go with?”
“A girl named Meredith.” - Todd
“You meet her at the 8th grade orientation?”
“Hey little girl, want to go to Prom? I got a Pokémon watch! Wait, that’s just Elliott’s picture.”
“Do they have a field, or do you have to play in Central Park around the homeless people?”
“Donatello? His sister is named after a mutant turtle?”
“This is my uncle, Master Splinter.”
“Do you pronounce Target tar-je?”
“My shoes are Bostonian. Thea’s thinking, ‘Is that Italian for crap?’”
“I would’ve failed the bonus quiz. I would’ve lost points.” - Jesse Richa
“So now you can be mean to us because you’re leaving?” - Thea
“No, I was mean to you all year.”
“You realize that most of your employers will make you submit to a drug test?”
“I need my heroin!”
“She might date you. You have a Porsche.”
“My advice is, if you don’t know what it is, pick it up and start throwing it around.”
“So now we’re throwing around the Ten Commandments. Even better.”
“I went to school in Pennsylvania. We got the first day of deer hunting season off.”
“We had WASPs, white trash, and blacks.”
“Which one were you?” - Rajya
“I was black.”
“She was flipping burgers at McDonalds, and I picked her up. Hey baby, like them McNuggets.”
“Hello, FBI? Can I speak to Witness Protection?”
“I should’ve traced the call and found out where she was and called in artillery fire.”
“Why do you have so many weird problems?”
“Okay, we got Carlton, Boy Meets World, and Screech.”
“And Ki’s coming back from basic training with weapons skills, so be nice to him.”
“He exceeded the IQ limit for the Marines. 4.”
“Good God no! She’d have to shop at Target!”
“Dude, you didn’t have a date until you went to that family reunion.”
“Work hard. I will push you. Some of you out the window.”
“Elliott, you’re gonna be the first one I help push. I’m gonna see if you fit in my filing cabinet.”
“You take off your shirt, we’ll just see how much you look like Tweety Bird.”
“My geometry class, if you put 3 of them together, their IQ drops by 10.”
“I was gonna get beer for some of my students, get some Budweiser girls in here, have a party.”
“Is that still in a contagious state? If it is, rub it on Jason.”
“Whenever hubcaps are stolen, we immediately turn to Corey.” - Dan
“It’s a Corvette. It looks like a Porsche, only American.”
“Brandon’s always over my house. He’s giving me wrestling lessons.”
“Wanna get an A in here? Lemme see that watch.”
“I’m dropping the class.” - Todd
“You keep saying that, but you keep showing up.”
“This would make a great T-shirt. Too bad we’d all get fired.”
