NO CEILING PANELS! Put up with exposed pipes, electric cables and air ducts if you have to, but the ceiling over your head should be six inches of solid concrete.
Make sure that any air ducts have multiple grills in them to prevent anything from crawling through them.
Emergency lights must supply steady bright white light. No dim, hued, and especially no flickering strobing lights.
Firepower: a 12-gauge is good. In fact in such movies as Phantasm and Killer Clowns from Outer Space, it’s become the modern version of the blessed sword . Basic rule is that you need to inflict massive physical damage. Whether it’s a psychotic killer, alien predator, or undead fiend, most Scary Movie nemeses will not be deterred by the tiny hole a mere 9mm will leave. The Smith & Wesson .500 revolver might be adequate as well. And if priests will bless ammo or if you can get/make silver bullets, that might be a good idea too.
Failing that, you need some highly uncoventional way of eliminating your foe. Liquid nitrogen is good for at least slowing them down. Acid, barrels of volatile explosives or other ways to totally immolate your attacker can be effective too but usually involve a highly risky scheme to lure them into your trap.
No thin, lacy drapes covering the windows! Thin drapes autmatically attract psycho peeping tom psycho killers by letting them spy on your family as you happily eat meals around the kitchen table, and as you change clothes in the bedroom. Big, thick, bulky burlap curtain should do the trick. If they can’t SEE you, they can’t GET you!
I don’t think that you have to do away with doors; just get those pocket doors (?). I’ve never seen one of them in a horror movie, and no baddies can hide behind them.
The Ultimate Scary movie-proof house? Okay, here goes.
Build the entire structure out of 4" thick (min) transparent acrylic. The outside surface can be lightly frosted for privacy. Any architect should consider this a challenge.
Have no clothing or utensils of any kind, meaning you’ll have to adapt to an extreme nudist lifestyle or have only one set of clothes at any time which you wash yourself. Eat only finger food which you must always select and prepare yourself. (You never know when a loved one will go insane or be possessed, so this will minimize the poisoning/knifing risk)
Sleep with candles lit-you can’t have electricity or gas of course, too many possiblities for disaster-in the middle of a circle of at least ten people, five watching you and five watching everything else, including each other.
Have a shower room built so you don’t need a shower curtain and have plenty of room to move at a moments notice.
Nu-uh!
No drapes at all!
Don’t you know the baddies hide behind drapes?
I suggest good ol’ paint for the windows or better yet: tin foil.
That way if the threat ever turns from zombies to alien; bam! Rip it off the windows for instant hat.
No blankets, or any other covering, on the beds. (Hope it’s warm where you live.) Who knows what tarantulas, scorpions or snakes might be lurking underneath, ready to crawl up your chest as you’re dropping off to sleep?
I disagree with “no pets”. A heroic dog always has potential to sae the day, growl at a closed door, or bark at a creepy stranger. At the very least, the dog always lives, so you don’t have to worry about him.
And when the dog doesn’t live, make like a miner when the canary dies and run. If Fido goes it’ll nearly always be before any humans do, so use what warning you’ve been given.
Oh, and it goes without saying that if your precautions show any sign of failing at all, abandon the home immediately. It’s much better to take your chances in a standard dwelling than to tempt fate by showing any hubris or unfounded security. Monsters hate that.
You wouldn’t gain any advantage by having creaky floors in a one room house. If you have more than one room, than by all means your creaky floor idea is a very good one.
Absolutely no trellises. Despite being made of balsa wood, killers are rather adept at using them as ladders into your house.
Also, make sure your floors are washable, and stain proof too. This leads to easy clean up when your guardian/friend/lover gets killed and bleeds all over the floor and you sink down the wall crying “Oh Billy…Nooooo!!!”
All of these precautions can be ignored so long as you are a minority, a single mother, and keep a dog (or some other cute animal) with you at all times. That guerantees immortality.
Oh, and those lights? Don’t even have a power switch for them; just wire them to be on all the time. And invest in battery backups. Several of them.
I’m a little dubious about the “middle of town” stipulation. I figure “middle of town” = “oldest part of town” = “former location of town square” = “place most likely to have been used to hang, stone, press or otherwise murder an innocent slave or person wrongly accused of being a witch, who is nonetheless capable of going on a post-mortem killing spree.”
Pets are necessary because animals can always sense spirits before the serious stuff goes down.
Just PUT A BELL ON THE CAT!
Oh and a basement? Umm… Amityville Horror anyone?
Get a priest to bless the place. Actually get a priest to bless all the workers and all the materials and tools used to build the place.
Crosses on all the walls, that way if a vampire shows up, he’ll pretty much be screwed. I’d also suggest planting garlic and other plants proven to ward off evil in the garden around the house. That will help keep the bad guys away, and if you wind up outside, you’ll have recourse to a last line of defense.
This is the 21st century. You need more than just a priest. The house should be blessed by a rabbi, an imam, and various neopagans. Note that all these individuals must be old and established. A young practicioner may accidentally anger spirits or carry evil into the house.
No puzzles of any kind. I don’t care if it’s an ornate metal cube or Barbie jigsaw. No puzzles.
Others have mentioned lighting. All rooms must be lit so that there are no shadows.
Or
Just do what I do and be the portege of a brilliant scientist whose work was laughed at. They said the Basalt Monolith was a fraud. They said there was no coming apocalypse. They say the Professor faked his disappearance and laugh at the idea that he crossed the dimensional gateway to fight of the armies of the Th’lalnax. I say explain the partial corpse found in the museum. You know, the corpse which seems human but has insectiod and reptilian characteristics? Explain that.
When the transtemporal resonance is right and the Th’lalnax try to come through again, I’ll be ready. Now, if you’ll excuse me that beep means that either my anodized chromium omnivolving antiphoton blaster is through charging, or my pop tarts are ready.
. Basic rule is that you need to inflict massive physical damage. Whether it’s a psychotic killer, alien predator, or undead fiend, most Scary Movie nemeses will not be deterred by the tiny hole a mere 9mm will leave. The Smith & Wesson .500 revolver might be adequate as well. And if priests will bless ammo or if you can get/make silver bullets, that might be a good idea too.