The Ultimate Scary-Movie Proof House

Cafe Society
1

So I’m building a house. (Well, no, actually I’m not. I’m good at a lot of things, but building houses isn’t one of them. Despite 15 years of Girl Scouts, my carpentry efforts tend to end up resembling what you’d get if you gave a three-year-old a nail gun and told him to knock himself out. But for the purposes of this thread, I’m building a house, ok? Or having one built, whatever.)

Well, there’s this thing. After doing major research on the multitudes of things that could plague a houseowner (mostly this research has been conducted in dark movie theaters, dark living rooms with the TV on, and in bedrooms under the covers with a flashlight), I am determined to make this the Ultimate Scary-Movie Proof House. Ain’t nothing gonna to happen to me in this baby, ok? No ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties are going to go bump in my night, thankyouverymuch.

So, I’ve started this cursory list of the things I’ll need to watch out for. If any of you can help me add things I’ve overlooked, that’d be great.

Okay, first of all,

a) location has got to be the most important factor. Even if land is cheaper out in the country, I’m definitely not going to build a house isolated in the middle of some field, or forest, or on top of a lonely hill, or nestled in the mountains. I don’t think a suburb will cut it, either. I’m really going to need a location smack dab in the center of town, to minimize any chance of attracting evil murderous spirits or crazed lunatics with hockey masks. Also, the chance of hitting an ancient Native American burial ground will be substantially decreased if I build in a location where all the ground has been razed and tilled and turned upside down at least three or four times. (Of course, I could still end up building on a plot of land where once stood a house where grisly murders were committed, but well, real estate is a tricky business and I’m willing to take that risk.) I really need a lot of people and busy every-day activity around me to make me safer.
In fact, if I weren’t dead set on building this house, my best bet would probably be an apartment building where I would live peacefully. On the bottom floor, right next to the front door which leads directly to the street, because

b) no stairs. Stairs are always a bad thing. You get nasty ghost-children or demon-possessed little girls crawling up and down them, and crazed baby-sitters who are trying to steal your children often hide underneath. And walking up them might get you stabbed by a man pretending to be his mother. So, no stairs. A bungalow, then. Good, because that also means

c) no attic.I thought about this one for a while, because basements and attics are both pretty bad, but I think attics have a slightly badder reputation when it comes to housing lunatics with knives.

Okay, so what am I forgetting here?

2

You need a second level as a fallback position for when the zombies attack. A basement is no good - there’s no avenue of escape. Given that stairs are out, perhaps an elevator?

No, no, that runs the risk of rivers of blood gushing out when the doors open. Hmm.

3

You need to make sure there is no fencing around the residence, because it sucks when you’re fleeing from a chainsaw killer and you trip and crash through the window and end up impaled on the picket fence.

Also, NO WIRE HANGERS! EVER!!!

4

No doors. Knife-wielding maniacs always hide behind doors. I, personally, would probably risk the stairs or something similar (maybe a ramp?), but then you still have that whole “running up the stairs when you should be running down” syndrome.

You should also have see-through cabinet doors, so that the cats won’t frighten you by making lots of noises, and just when you decide there’s nothing there…BAM! they go flying out of the cabinet. As soon as you get over your fright, the real killer emerges. If you can see into the cabinet to begin with, the demon-possessed little girls won’t have that opportunity.

You’ll also want a backup generator for when the mask-wearing, chainsaw-wielding serial killer cuts the lights to the house.

5

Light switches and/or The Clapper. Victims never seem to be able to find the light switch and are content to let the bad guys have tons of shadow to lurk in.

And how about door locks that are secure?

6

No bed can have space between it and the floor. It has to be solid bed down to the floor.

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And also, don’t forget those terrible moments of suspense when being pursued by a slow-moving but inexorable killer - you get into the elevator and frantically jab at the buttons, and are forced to wait for the doors to close, which they do … very … slowly. In the meantime, the threat gets closer and closer.

:eek:

8

You’ve got the right idea about no attic, stairs, or basement. So we’ve got only a one floor building. But make it only one room, no dividing walls for the killer to hide behind. And no closests, either.

9

No bathroom mirror, especially if you’re going for an urban location. Amazing what you can summon accidentally by saying the wrong thing in front of a bathroom mirror. Who wants the Candyman running around the house? There’s also the cliched “seeing the killer behind you” routine that always involves a bathroom mirror. I think mirrors in other locations would be safe.

Bathtubs are also a no-no. If there’s no bathtub, you (or another victim) can’t be dismembered in it. Shower might be safe, as long as your house isn’t near the Bates Motel, but you’d be safer if you remained clothed at all times, especially if you’re female.

10

If in the US, remember not to build it on top of a Native cemetery. Ask the local chief, and then TRUST his advice! Do not go all sarcastic and modern at him!

[Checks location of original poster]

Oh, Finland… Avoid Sami burial places, then?

:smiley:

11

You need a well-stocked gunsafe that has one of those cool fingerprint activated locks. That way, in stark contrast to the victims in so many horror flicks, you will be able to eliminate the chainsaw-wielding maniacs/demon-possessed little girls/etc. with a few well placed blasts from your Remington 12 gauge w/ attached flashlight. If you really want to cover your bases, you might trouble to have your ammunition blessed by a kindly, wise old priest.

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  1. Make sure you live next door to a psychic kid. Or a shaman. Or an old psychic woman. Pay them whatever they ask to wear a heart-rate monitor and one of those Dr. Dre-style house-arrest anklets. Track them on your PDA. Anything happens to them, you split. Immediately.

  2. Sprinkler system. With holy water in it. Seperate, dedicated power/pressure source for it.

  3. No central control system for everything. No AI in charge of home defense. The poltergeists and lawnmower men and manitou and ghosts in the machine are all over that styff.

  4. Forget booby traps. Either you or one of your nubile weed-smoking, casual-sex-having, beer-drinking friends will end up in it. The house should be built with one thing in mind- escapability. Doorways and windows- wide and easily openable. Soft materials or bushes underneath windows to minimize the seemingly-inevitable twisted knee or broken ankle that seem to be the result of so many jumps.

  5. For the love of God, no tool shed. No gasoline, no nothing.

  6. Dedicated red-phone directly to the local police station. After installation, call it and report an unkillable ax-toting maniac in the house. If the cops respond, pretend you chased him off- for now. If they laugh at you, MOVE.

  7. Thorough background checks on your neighbors. If any of them are from Elm Street, Crystal Lake, if any of them have friends or ancestors that died under mysterious circumstances, if any of them are members of some weird Zuni or witchlike or cultish religion- don’t build there.

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Also just as important is what you put in your house common mistakes are

  1. easily misused tools such as weed-wackers, screwdrivers, and even blenders.
  2. don’t buy anything from any curio shop…ever.
  3. don’t accept any presents that other people bought from a curio shop.
  4. don’t accept any weird items left to you in a will.
  5. Make sure you know the whole history of any item brought into your house. If anyone died while in close proximity to the item get rid of it immediately.
  6. if said item reappears in your house (typically on a shelf in plain sight) immediately visit the local oddball who no doubt has some insight into how to overcome the evil in your house. Whatever advice s/he gives immediately take it no matter how strange it seems.
  7. Tarot cards and ouija boards are burned on sight no questions asked.
  8. Any dog or child that starts acting strange around you is immediately taken to the pound (yes the child too)
  9. Unless the child or animal seems to be attempting to help you. In the case of the animal you should stay away from the places they bark at or whine while around. In the case of the child they are immediately quizzed to extract the fullest amount of info from them. No cryptic answers are allowed.
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But it’s coutnerproductive. Think about, say, Panic Room – if you go to these lengths you’ve practically guaranteed you’ll be killed in an ironic way by something not subject to your protections. Eg. never go out, get posessed. No upstairs, blood leaking from the floor, etc.

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But DO accept any and all charms, gifts, and other items given to you by the old and seemingly slightly crazy gypsy, retired archeologist, native shaman, or priest who is concerned about your safety, especially living in THAT house.
And always install the gift in the house (as directed, without voiding the warranty), rather than laughing about it later as you throw it out.

16

No bare light bulbs with pull chain switches. Bad things always show up when you pull that chain.

17

Make sure that you have digital television instead of regular old antenna reception. Nothing attracts evil like hissing static on a TV screen, so make sure that your TV failsafes to a nice soothing blue or black color when the signal goes out.

18

Not to mention the fact that if you do have a bathtub it’s only a matter of time before you come home/just enter the bathtub and it’s full when it’s not supposed to be. And the water may or may not be black. And no matter what, if you go anywhere near it (much less try and unclog the drain - because the drain will be clogged) something is going to drag you in and drown/eat/otherwise kill you.

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Okay, so so far it seems I need a house with

  • only one room
  • a central location
  • no: stairs, attic, basement, doors, closets, fencing, elevators, central control systems, booby traps, tool shed, bathtub or shower
  • a back-up power generator
  • secure locks on doors
  • easily found light switches and/or a clapper system
  • a holy water sprinkler system
  • direct line to local police station, which has to be checked beforehand to make sure they don’t laugh at me when I tell them I’m being stalked by a psycho killer
  • see-through cabinet doors
  • no wire hangers (although with no closets, where would I put hangers? I think I’ll just store all of my clothes in big cardboard boxes)
  • no bathroom mirror
  • a gun safe with fingerprint-activated lock
  • a solid bed down to the floor, or preferably just a mattress
  • psychic/shamanistic neighbors who have had reliable background checks
  • no decorations from curio shops, even if someone else bought them
  • no items that I don’t know the complete history of, starting from the day they were constructed, except if given to me by psychic/shamanistic neighbors
  • no occult items
  • no weird children or animals
  • no bare lightbulbs with hanging chains
  • digital TV

Sound simple enough. :slight_smile:

I just got to thinking, though.

No VCR. Can’t risk someone coming over and wanting to show me “their wedding video, and please ignore the girl coming out of the well”.
No pets. I know this kind of got covered in the “no weird children or animals” section, but especially no cats, and no Saint Bernards which like to go digging after rabbits and end up in caves with bats in them.
No burying anything in the back yard. Even if I’m really careful about the whole Native burial ground thing, there’s still an off chance that Fluffy will suddenly miraculously appear behind the front door, drooling and meowing for sweet brains.
Creaky floors. This is actually a good thing. More specifically, creaky floors that only creak when you don’t step carefully. This enables me to memorize silent routes and thus creep away while Psycho Killer is looking the other way, while letting me know in advance if Psycho Killer is, in fact, coming my way.

20

These ideas are nice but not really necessary. All you need is lots and lots of closet space for the seven layers of clothes you’ll be wearing at all times. It is a well documented fact that axe murderers only attack when you’re partially nude or taking a bath.