The value of the things

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My MIL died recently – she was 93, nearly blind, and mostly sad, having lost her husband of 74 years 2 years earlier. Much of the time in her last weeks was spent sorting her things – jewelry, old kitchen items, clothing, knick-knacks, and such. And the big round Shaw rug – she kept telling me how much they paid for it and how good a rug it is, but it’s not to my taste or my daughter’s. She passed some items to our daughter, but so many things just got put back away, as if she couldn’t part with them.

After she died, my husband allowed me the chore of sorting and dealing with all of those things. He mentioned several times that he was glad I was doing that for him. Even tho I’ve been part of this family for 41 years, many of the items that were significant to her didn’t mean a lot to me, so donating them wasn’t a big deal.

Since she was so much smaller than any of the rest of us, her clothing was easy to donate. And because my daughter and I have full kitchens, most of that was donated also – she did have a few items that we claimed. The knick-knacks and artwork are still not completely resolved. I’m not a knick-knack person, and most of the pictures and décor items are “country” which isn’t my style at all. I asked FCD about each piece – some he wanted set aside for reasons, some I was able to donate. I’m thinking I’ll try to sell the rug – it definitely won’t be trashed.

As for the jewelry, that’s been tougher. It’s all costume jewelry – only her wedding band has monetary value. I do like a few of the pieces, but I don’t wear necklaces or pins or earrings. In fact, all I wear is my wedding band. My daughter is interested in a few things, and she picked out some necklaces for her kids. I’m not sure how I’ll deal with the rest.

All this led me to thinking about my things. Like the picture hanging over my desk – it’s a sailboat in a quiet cove. It used to hang over my maternal grandparents’ mantle in the living room and I remember sitting on the couch looking at it when I was a kid. After they died, I asked specifically to have it. It’s not great art – I’m pretty sure it came from a department store. There’s a crack in the frame and the print seems to be fading, but it means a lot to me. And to no one else. I expect when I’m gone, it’ll end up in a thrift store unless one of my grandkids becomes attached to it as I did.

In the other room sits my paternal grandmother’s treadle sewing machine. My dad got her to give it to me when she moved from her house to an apartment – mostly because he knew one of his sisters would take it and he wanted me to have it. So it’s been mine for more than 50 years. I don’t know if my daughter will keep it or not – I hope one of my grandkids will want it.

I could go on – paintings and prints that my husband and I collected over the years, ceramic items that I made or bought during my travels, books that I read and re-read over the years, my jewelry box full of memories, even the living room lamps that I was so happy to find because they’re unique with a side of whimsy. One day my daughter or granddaughter will be faced with the same choices I had to make. And the things that mean a lot to me will have to go somewhere, because I’m the only one who has any attachment to them. When I’m gone, so shall the memories go.

My grandkids might cherish some of them for the memories of me, but their kids and grandkids won’t care because they won’t ever have known me. And so it goes.

All those things…

2

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust” applies to more than just our bodies.

It’s a somber, sobering, thought provoking task for sure. {{Hugs}}.

3

Yeah, I just went through that with moving out of my shop. The things there had little to no sentimental value, but they did have monetary value. To a very specific purpose. But I couldn’t find someone with that need for much of it. I ended up throwing away a ton, literally 1.22 tons, of stuff.

4

I’m a hobbyist and collector, and I have a lot of stuff that’ll have some non-zero (but not enormous) value to similarly-minded people once I’m gone: vintage role-playing game books, model trains, un-built model rocket kits, Magic: the Gathering game cards, Star Wars action figures, etc.

When I retire, one of my projects will be to start trimming and selling off stuff that I haven’t touched in years, so that the burden doesn’t entirely fall on my heirs. It also means that I need to start clearing out stuff that just needs to get tossed. I am, admittedly, a pack rat.

5

Most nicknacks are mnemonic devices. Or call them shortcuts to a file. Once the file is gone, who needs to keep the shortcut?

6

Same here. My (not very enormous) fossil and meteorite collection could potentially pass along as long as there are collectors.

7

Eh. Ain’t nobody gonna want my junk.

Kids tell me all the time there will be such a bonfire I might think I went to hell, if I haunt the wake.

8

I’ve mentioned before but over the last 3+ years my wife died, I got married & divorced, and moved twice. I’m now in what’s probably a stable residence & definitely a personally happy frame of mind.

The relevance to this thread is that as of April 2024 I owned 1 fairly new easy chair, 1 laptop, a handful of mementos mostly useful kitchen stuff, and some fairly new clothes. And a car. That is it, period, amen. Almost nothing from the before times.

I’ve since furnished an apartment, filled out a kitchen, replaced the car, and further refreshed the wardrobe.

It is very freeing to have zero accumulation of stuff you own now only because you owned it yesterday. Or worse yet, somebody else owned it and you “inherited” it. Everything I own today I own because current-era me picked it out this year, whether new, or one of the very very few survivors.

The more times I culled the more I came to enjoy the sound of stuff leaving my life. It represents freedom from drag.

So not quite Mary Kondo’s “Does it give you joy?” criteria, but something tending in that direction.

Try it; you might like it.

9

I’ve been on a purging kick lately. I’ve been to the Goodwill donation location half a dozen times already and have enough for two or three more trips. I’m starting to appreciate the empty closet and empty shelves.

10

I’ve come the conclusion that, as we enter our twilight years, keeping a houseful of random things that have no more practical use is selfish and mean. I have no desire to leave my children 2000 ft² of stuff that I haven’t used in decades and that they themselves will have no use for. I told my wife that after the kids are out of the house for good I want to downsize significantly. Not necessarily move to a smaller house but rather get rid of all the random stuff we won’t have any further use for. She comes from a hoarding family (see below), so I doubt I’ll ever make much progress on that front.

I’ve now had to help go through the estate of my grandparents on both sides of my family. My paternal grandparents had some very valuable things and determining who should get what weren’t the easiest conversations to have but it was made somewhat easier by the fact that we knew that my grandparents didn’t have emotional attachments to their “things.” They stipulated that some of their art collection would go to a local university, the rest they didn’t care about. My wife and I got some of it, including much of their remaining art collection which included an original André Derain painting and, after my father passes, two original Picasso sketches, but much of their estate was donated.

My maternal grandmother was a typical Midwestern farmer’s wife. She had a house packed to the gills with chotchkies and knick-knacks that were important only to her and that she was loathe to throw out. The last years of her life were spent moving from house to apartment to living with family and each time she downsized she was adamant that nothing be thrown out as all her stuff was valuable, important, and “stuff people could use someday.” So the family rented a huge storage unit, packed up her stuff into boxes, and locked it away. After she passed 99% of it was tossed. She had a small wall-mounted display case that she had told me once she wanted me to have but I never saw it after that. I did get some of her OG Tupperware that I still use today. Throwing away so much of her stuff hurt because we knew it all meant a lot to her. She did have a cap-and-ball Remington .44 caliber revolver that her childhood friend had discovered on the Gettysburg battlefield sometime in the '30’s (so the story goes). She had it cleaned up and mounted in a shadow box and it hung on the wall of her office throughout my entire childhood. That was probably the only truly valuable thing she owned but unless one of her kids quietly snagged it from her storage unit, it’s now buried in a landfill somewhere outside Kalispell, Montana.

My in-laws are right now (like, this weekend) clearing out their kitchen in anticipation of new cabinetry, countertops, and appliances being installed this week. They’ve lived in that house for 28 years. As my wife and I were helping them box up stuff from the cupboards my FIL would occasionally note that we’d excavated something he’d thought they had long ago tossed away. I made a comment that this is a good chance to go through and discard or donate what they don’t need or use anymore (their kids are all middle aged, their grandkids are all adults… they don’t need a huge a kitchen). My MIL came absolutely unglued: you’d have thought I had just suggested they burn their house to the ground. I was informed that every single thing has a potential use and nothing would be thrown away. My wife made a joking comment about what a mess it will be to go through their house after they pass. He parents laughed, she laughed, fun all around… I wasn’t laughing. My in-laws are hoarders and emptying their house will be a massive chore, one I’m dreading.

11

BTW, here is a gift link to a recent New York Times article about a woman in San Antonio who has a twenty-piece set of china that’s been in her family for five generations (purchased in the 1910s by her great-great grandmother). The current custodian has two sons, neither of whom are interesting in inheriting it. The article has some interesting historical info, like that two hundred years ago, many people had no forks or other flatware with which to eat. Or this bit about how popular tableware in general (china, flatware and so on) was in the early twentieth century.

American consumers were spending an average of 13 percent of their annual income on tableware, according to the research of the University of Leeds emeritus historian Regina Lee Blaszczyk.

That’s the equivalent of a family spending over $10,000 a year on dishes in today’s dollars.

It’s not clear to me if they’re saying that people spent 13 percent of their annual income, year in and year out, or they spent 13 percent of one year’s annual income just to acquire the stuff and then kept on using it.

12

I hope you have the opportunity to have it reframed with a frame that matches your memory and fondness of it, and place it somewhere you see it often.

The same with the treadle sewing machine. I bet it would make a lasting memory for a grandchild if you were able to teach them to use it. Is there an item of your mother’s clothing that might fit one of them that needs some repair?

13

It’s also, as implied, one of the biggest gifts you can give the person(s) cleaning up after you’re gone, to get rid of as much stuff as you can before you go. You can’t do this all at once, so there are various strategies around that will help you to clear out stuff periodically.

One thing is for sure for me, if my husband goes before I do, I’m going to have a glorious clearing out of the kitchen. While he’s around I am not allowed to touch or re-arrange anything. There is supposed to be a rule (my rule) that any new piece of cookware brought in means an existing piece goes out, either donated or thrown away depending on condition. This rule is not adhered to, and there’s nothing I can do about it (the issue not being worth actually fighting over). So do your loved ones a favor, get rid of it.

14

Is it bad I look at events like the LA wildfires where people talk about losing everything and thing “that must be nice”?

I have a lot of frustrations with my extended family related to the collection and accumulation of “stuff”.

  • Elderly, infirmed in-laws who seem to have created an entire lifestyle around yard sales, trips to the local thrift store, and the general buying and selling of useless junk.
  • A wife who seems to suffer a panic attack at the mere mention of attempting to declutter.
  • Children who have amassed collections of and subsequently outgrew various toys - Matchbox/Hot Wheels, Fisher Price Little People, Barbie, Lego, LOL Dolls, junky happy meal prizes.

Like I get it (after much research). Seemingly useless and junky objects get imprinted on people’s minds and they become impossible to get rid of. But what happens is you end up with “special plates” or whatever that are so special you can never ever eat off them. So they sit behind glass while you eat off a completely different set of plates.

Or you get old people telling stories about how so and so accidently gave away 1.22 tons of old clothes, not realizing the Titanic diamond was in an old overcoat Great Great Grandpa purchased at a yard sale in 1912.

For me it’s hugely frustrating because it just feels like a world filled with so much junk that I can’t walk. And it’s anxiety inducing because I have no idea when someone’s going to be like “where’s XYZ” and I won’t know if XYZ is lost in the piles or if I threw it away 6 months ago because I thought it was garbage?

15

OMG - I forgot about the partial set of Wedgwood china boxed in the basement. It used to be a 12-place set that my FIL brought back from England eons ago. During the time I’ve been in the family, I don’t know that it was used half a dozen times, and in the various moves since it was acquired (at least 5 and I think maybe 2 more) a number of pieces have been broken. But even if it was a complete set, I wouldn’t want it. I’ve never been one to entertain on the china level - Corelle is the fancy stuff, paper plates are more likely.

So I’m saddled with some Wedgwood that has complete settings for 7, a number of serving pieces, and full sets of espresso cups and dessert dishes. I won’t take it to a thrift store - the ones around here have so much china and dishes. I tried the Replacements website - twice - no response. My only other idea is to find a tea room or a B&B that might be interested. Any of you in the DC-ish area? I’ll meet you any time with 3 boxes of the stuff…

Luckily, my mother has been decluttering in recent years, as have I, to a certain extent. I don’t want my daughter to deal with as much crap as I have.

16

My mother in Connecticut has sets of Wedgwood, Lenox and Mikasa dinnerware; I think eight place settings each. My parents even had sit-down dinner parties when I was a kid and yet they never used the Wedgwood or the Lenox sets. I used to joke that they were waiting for a visit from Queen Elizabeth II. And none of this has any history like the hundred-year-old Limoges china in that article I linked to. It was all purchased new in the 1970s. They also have silverplate flatware.

Like you, I have Corelle I use everyday and I love the stuff. Plus I have a nice set of stainless steel flatware that’s perfectly fine.

17

I see you’ve been to my house!

18

My husband is going to die before me and leave me a tractor and a shitload of tools I can’t even identify. I sometimes wonder if I should just have an estate sale with a sign saying, “pay whatever you want to the poor widder woman”.

19

I don’t collect stuff, in fact I am constantly winnowing, especially clothes. And yet I still have a big house full of furniture and rugs and dishes and bedding and books just like most people. I don’t collect knicknacks on purpose but I still seem to have shelves of them.

I have started giving away my own things instead of buying new gifts for people. It saves shopping, anyway. Mostly small pretty objects, and decorative dishware. It’s nice to see it go collect dust somewhere else.

20

We’ve got a 1300 sq ft shop out back full of machine tools (some CNC), welding machines, some woodworking machines, 2 compressors, and all manner of hand tools and power tools. Plus storage drawers full of screw and nuts and bolts and nails and inserts and cutting tools for drills and mills, and a store room with all kinds of other stuff. Either I or my daughter will have to rehome it all. I dread that day. But I do have a feel for what much of it is worth. so there’s that.