OK, I’ve officially seen my third Woody Allen movie. So far it’s been Manhattan Murder Mystery, Hannah and Her Sisters and Manhattan. Granted, probably not the top 3 Woody movies of all time, but after seeing these films I’ve decided to think long and hard before seeing another. For the following reasons:
Woody loves New York
Hey I love New York too. The only reason I want to make money is so I can live there. But enough already. The opening of Manhattan is longer than the opening of 2001. Just substitute Thus Spake Zarathustra and the monolith with Rhapsody in Blue and the Flatiron building. Each individual Manhattan landmark gets more screentime than Julia Roberts’ cleavage in Erin Brokovich. By the end of the movie, I got the suspicion that the NYC Tourism board subsidized this flick. Oh and I don’t care how respected Cole Porter is, “I Happen To Like New York”, which opens MMM, sucks more ass than Nell Carter in a leech pond.
Apartments with grand pianos
Maybe it’s because I spent my first two years in Manhattan making less than 18K, but it’s hard for me to feel sympathy for any character’s emotional turmoil when they have such unfuckingbelievably nice apartments in the middle of Manhattan. You’re probably thinking, “Come on, Alph, even people with perfect living conditions can have problems”. No. They can’t. Once you’ve managed to score a 3BR dealie in midtown, all other problems become insignificant. My entire family could be brutally eviscerated by herpetic wolverines; as long as I have an apartment on East 79th Street that can hold more written works than Alexandria, I’m golden, PonyBoy.
Bland men and the women who love them
In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. In Woody’s World, the pasty, stuffy, cerebral, flat out butt-faced men are freakin’ gods. A 17 year old Mariel Hemmingway is willing to perform any and every bizarre sexual act for Woody Allen. Barbara Hershey is sexually attracted to Michael Caine in a big way. Michael Caine! And I’ll tell you one thing: I would never, in real life, lose sleep for fear that my wife would ditch me for an amorous Alan Alda. He’s a six-foot-two-inch Unisom in tweed. I can suspend my disbelief enough to watch The Matrix, but Woody is just asking too much.
I’m willing to forgive Woody’s occasional snipes at Catholics (although I have no idea where he got the idea that we eat mayo and Wonder Bread) and I may even watch another of his better movies if highly recommended by a cultured Doper, but sitting through the same drivel just to extract half a dozen genuinely funny lines is too exhausting for me.
If being cultured is a requisite for liking Woody Allen’s “work”, then I suppose there is no hope for me. I have never been able to find a single redeeming quality about that person, nor would I contribute one thin dime to his income.
I’ll second that. Those are, IMHO, his four best. Those and * Love & Death* and * Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask.*
Woody Allen suffers from megalomania and a Napoleon complex based on his own sexual adequacy. He directs, and naturally has the leading role, in every film he writes. This three-fold participation ensures that his mindless drivel will reach the masses. His pathetic attempts at pseudo-intellectual cynicism illustrate his failure to grasp the nature of object or subject. His nasal whining, which is supposed to be a cerebral monologue, depicts his overwhelming sense of self-absorption with his completely unexceptional personality and life. The casting of beautiful women as the mate to his homely characters is repulsive; moreover, presenting the concept that his sexual appeal and performance are to be likened to a god is ludicrous. His sense of comedy is humorous if one has brain cells enumerated by a single digit and are altered by a stupefying chemical. I wouldn’t subject a parsnip to his sniveling tripe.
The hell with ALL his movies (okay, not WHAT’S UP, TIGER LILY?). Just get the two-disc set of his stand-up comedy routines from the mid-sixties.
Discussing the time he was kidnapped as a young boy: The kidnappers delivered the ransom note to my father. He has very poor reading habits. He took the note to bed with him and fell asleep in the middle of it.
“Bland men and the women who love them
. . . In Woody’s World, the pasty, stuffy, cerebral, flat out butt-faced men are freakin’ gods. A 17 year old Mariel Hemmingway is willing to perform any and every bizarre sexual act for Woody Allen. Barbara Hershey is sexually attracted to Michael Caine in a big way. Michael Caine! And I’ll tell you one thing: I would never, in real life, lose sleep for fear that my wife would ditch me for an amorous Alan Alda. He’s a six-foot-two-inch Unisom in tweed.”
—Well, I certainly I agree with you here; and how do you think this makes women feel? If Woody, Alan and Michael only give the time of day to bodacious ex-fashion models barely over the age of consent, who are us dumpy middle-aged women supposed to be dating? Bob Hope? Yassir Arafat?
I have to second that you have chanced upon the most pretentious and self-righteous of his films, though. Try his earlier, flat-out goofy stuff. Hell, I’m old enough to remember when Barbra Streisand was likeable and goofy!
Alpha, I understand your psychic pain, it was YEARS before I could watch a Woody Allen movie all the way through.
Part of the attraction for me is the actors he casts. More John Cusack, John Malkovich, Anjelica Huston, Alan Alda, Martin Landau, etc, can only be a good thing.
I really enjoyed Crimes & Misdemeanors, you might try it.
I agree that his most recent stuff has been really unwatchable. Deconstructing Harry, while interesting for it’s prolific use of the word “cunt” was otherwise not compelling at all. Ditto Celebrity- I actually turned the damn thing off partway through without having cared about a single minute of what I’d seen. I am still holding out some hope for Sweet & Lowdown and Small Time Crooks, but obviously I haven’t picked them up yet, so that says something too.
And FWIW, I would do Alan Alda in a NY minute, and I am a good-looking, 30-ish woman. Just something about him, I guess.
I find I like about a third of Woody Allen’s films. Yeah, it would be better if he would stop casting himself in them, or at least cast himself as a minor side character. I really liked “Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy”, “Love & Death”, “Crimes & Misdemeanors”, “Hannah & Her Sisters” and “Annie Hall”. I like certain aspects of others, like the use of the Greek Chorus in “Mighty Aphrodite”, and the musical numbers in “Everyone Says I Love You”. On the other hand, much of his stuff between “Annie Hall” and “Hannah” is just unwatchable.
What the hell, he’s about the only mainstream director willing to take an occasional chance just to see what happens. It ain’t always a shoot-and-score, but he hits often enough that I’ll at least rent the video.
One of Woody Allen’s better roles was in the movie The Front, which was written and directed by two members of the Hollywood Ten. I think the Front and Guilty by Suspicion(sp) should be required viewing so people know what actors, actresses, and other Hollywood people suffered at the hands of HUAC and MacCarthy.
reading this thread makes me realise that Woody Allen films like anal sex. Either you love them or you hate them. Either way, they tend to be uncomfortable at first.
Even if I wanted to, I can’t really disagree with most of what is said here. And yet, I still like the little bastard. The movies he makes crack me up.
BTW, Alphagene, “Unisom in tweed” is the funniest thing I’ve read in days.
I was touched by Woody’s and Soon Yi’s marriage vows, which they wrote themselves. As reported by Colin Quin on SNL,
Soon Yi’s was “I love you long time.”
P.S. I always thought that Sleeper and Annie Hall were very funny.
I’ve only seen like three, but I loved em all. uh, Zelig, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask, and Take the Money and Run.
but whatever. Oh no, wait- I also saw Deconstructing Harry, and thought it was alright.
jb
Woody Allen’s father died last week, at 100-something. I kept hoping one of the obits would mention that “he is survived by his granddaughter and daughter-in-law, Soon-Yi Allen.”
Man… What’s Up Tiger Lilly? is my favorite movie of all time! Just for sheer weirdness. Take The Money and Run also kicks some major ass. His later stuff doesn’t do anything for me, though.
Regarding the Soon-Yi thing: that IS kinda sick… OK, more than kinda… but (insert really cool explanation that allows me to still like early Woody Allen films here).